Divided

by Kimberly Montague

  Later in the day, when I was more composed, I was able to continue through the yearbook. They had put in a page for each of the seniors we lost. Kim had a page and Donald and Ted, even Jeremy had a page for himself. I looked at my senior picture and couldn't help but notice the sadness in my eyes. It just wasn't a true smile. Mixed in with the index were more pictures of those we'd lost, including images of the school before it burned down. The yearbook was a proper tribute to the year we'd all somehow managed to survive.

  The rest of the week continued to be solemn. We all ran around getting each other to sign yearbooks. People wrote things like, "I'll never forget how you put Nicole in her place," or "That drama with you and Vaughn was the high point of the year." Some of them were a little more depressing like, "I'll never look at a cave the same way again," or "I'm so sorry you can't be with Vaughn." Between yearbook signing, helping Mr. Berg pack up his classroom, and graduation practice, the week went by in a blink.

  Seniors didn't have class on Friday so that we could get ready for graduation. I took my time getting dressed and thinking through the end of twelve years of my life. After I put on the red summer dress Evelyn got me and my white sandals, I sat on the floor of my room and hugged Butcher.

  "Well, Butchie. This is it, big boy. I'm graduating. I wish I could bring you. It doesn't feel right not to have Harm or Dev or Mom and Dad here. I pressed my cheek to his back, and he leaned farther into me, whining softly.

  I recognized Gabriel's knock on my door—three firm raps. He poked his head in. "You ready?"

  I nodded, hugged Butcher again, and stood up. I straightened my dress and smoothed down my hair again.

  Gabriel's voice was full of pride. "You look so grown up. I can't believe you're graduating. I remember when I first met you. You were the tiniest little thing I'd ever seen, tinier even than Sonya was. Evelyn and I were so worried for your parents and for Harm, but you pulled through. You've always been a stubborn kid."

  I smiled at him. "I'm not a kid anymore, Gabriel."

  "You'll always be my kid, Evie. You and Sonya will always be my little girls. Your parents would be so proud of you right now. Not just because you're graduating, but for everything about you. You've been through so much. I can't count how many times I've cursed fate for what you've been put through. It's just not fair, but I really believe that you aren't given more than you can handle. You're so strong, kid. You amaze me every single day."

  I stared down at Butcher, trying to hold back my tears. I'd been crying entirely too much. I wanted to be that strong girl Gabriel saw in me. My voice wavered a bit. "I don't feel very strong sometimes."

  He stepped farther into the room with a large brown box under one arm. He put his other arm around my shoulders. "And that's what makes you even stronger. Strength isn't about being confident all the time. Strength is about staring down the things you're scared of or don't want to deal with. There are millions of people who become paralyzed with fear and never live their lives. That's not you, kid. You may not feel like you've got it all under control, but I've watched you just dig deeper and pull through. That's the kind of courage that makes you amazing."

  I couldn't prevent the tears that gathered in my eyes as I wrapped my arms around him. I missed my parents so incredibly deeply, but Gabriel's words reminded me of something they would have said. I wiped away a few determined tears.

  He squeezed me tighter, before pulling away from me. "I have something that might make you smile. This came for you yesterday, but I have a feeling he'd want you to have it today." He handed me the box he'd carried under his arm.

  The box was thin—only four or five inches thick—and really light. I sat down on my bed and peeled back the tape. Inside was another box wrapped in blue paper with a white ribbon and a white card attached. The card was typed and read:

  Evie,

  I'm so sorry I can't be there to watch you walk across the graduation stage. I'm thinking of you, though. I know you'll like this graduation present and that it will come in handy at Fresno State. I'm so proud of you, baby sister.

  –Love, Harm

  I read it twice, brushing away the tears, before pulling the blue box from the larger brown one. I unwrapped it to reveal a sleek black box with a holographic silver logo in the center. It looked very expensive. Lifting the lid, my jaw fell open at the sight of a laptop. As I picked it up, I was shocked at how light and thin it was.

  "Wow, is that—" Gabriel stepped closer to look at the laptop. "That's an Ultrabook."

  "A what?" I didn't know anything about computers.

  "An Ultrabook—they're very thin and very light," he explained.

  "Well that's certainly true." It couldn't have been more than three pounds. I held it up, staring at the thickness, but it was less than a finger's width. "It's impressive."

  Gabriel grabbed the black box, studying the label on the side. His eyebrows shot up. "Wait until you turn it on. It's powerful."

  "Let's go girls!" Evelyn yelled from the hallway. "You don't want to be late for your own graduation!"

  Gabriel grinned at me. "You'll have to wait until after graduation, but I'll show you all its bells and whistles when we get back."

  He set the box down, and I followed him out into the hallway. Sonya rushed out of her room in the soft blue dress that complimented her dark brown, wavy hair and tan skin. I always envied her wavy hair. She wore her usual heavy black eyeliner and grey eye shadow that made her brown eyes pop against the blue of her dress. Even Gabriel and Evelyn were dressed up. It made it feel like a very special occasion.

  I managed to only cry once during the whole ceremony, and that was when they slowly read the names of the seniors who weren't with us. Everyone clapped for each name, but Dev's got the loudest cheers. Everyone loved Dev, and it made me angry that he was being kept from us.

  Sonya looked very regal as she received her diploma. She smiled politely and shook the principal's hand as Gary yelled, "That's my girl!" I smiled at the way Gabriel and Evelyn stood up and clapped for me as I walked across the stage and laughed when Gary started chanting, "Evie, Evie." A lot of people cheered for Gary and a couple guys yelled things I couldn't make out. All too soon, it was over and we were declared "graduates." It was sort of surreal. After walking out together, we erupted into a bunch of spontaneous hugging, some tearful, some restrained.

  Gary helped me weave through the crowd, pausing to say goodbyes here and there. It was sad—I knew I wasn't going to see most of these people ever again.

  Gabriel and Evelyn were both smiling at Sonya, hugging her as Gary and I walked up. Sonya turned, and Gary pulled her into his arms, picking her up like he did me, but then kissed her.

  Evelyn put her hand on Gary's arm. "Gary, where are your parents? We're all going out to dinner together."

  He looked around—he was a head taller that most everyone around us. "Way over there, I'll get them." He jogged off in the direction he pointed.

  Dinner was nice with all the parents together, but it felt like they were all lost in thought. Gary kept Sonya, his sister Miranda, and me entertained telling us about how Tyler Evans was trying to inconspicuously wiggle out of his jeans underneath his gown so he could streak across the stage. Mr. Acker stopped him in time, but Gary's reenactment of their argument had us laughing hysterically.

  As I tried to fall asleep that night, I spun my engagement ring around my finger thinking of the day. It happened so quickly and while it was nice, I couldn't help but feel like it had been lacking. I'd always imagined graduation with Harm in the audience looking proud. I'd fantasized for months that Dev would be there with me in a cap and gown, making jokes and being the life of the party. I thought about how, in just five days, I'd be hitting another large milestone without him by going away to Fresno State. And I thought about how stupid and insignificant graduation and my life in general felt with the infection spreading. It all whirled around inside me, leaving me clutching the prepaid phone close to me, wishing to hear Dev's voice as I
fell asleep.

  College Prep

  It's tough to describe all the emotions battling with each other for dominance over me. As we moved into the dorms, I felt nervous, scared, angry, and just really out of place. The infection was spreading and here we were moving into a dorm and pretending everything was normal. I was afraid—not of being away from Butcher or Gabriel and Evelyn really, but that something would happen to them while I was gone. Still, I had promised Gabriel and Evelyn I would try my best and give it a chance. They, in turn, promised to come get me the second I felt I'd had enough and couldn't stay there anymore. As I stood outside Graves Hall, the building Sonya and I were staying in gave me a bad feeling—and it wasn't just its name.

  Sonya and Gary, on the other hand, were full of pure joy. I thought Sonya would be afraid to leave home. She was always tough on the outside, some might even call her a witch—and that's the polite version—but inside, she was a seriously loyal friend and loving daughter. Aside from losing my parents, who she'd known really well and liked a lot, she had never really lost anyone in her life. She'd rarely spent much time away from her parents, so I was actually surprised she wasn't a little more reluctant. On the other hand, Gabriel had been watching her like a hawk with eyes in the back of his head. He was in massive over-protection mode where Sonya and Gary—and their lips and hands—were concerned. There were days when I felt sympathy for them since I knew if Dev had been there, my hands and lips would have been constantly all over him. Today though, was not one of those days.

  Today they were all over each other every time I turned around. It was cute to begin with. Gabriel and Evelyn were there, helping us get settled in our dorm room. Gary's parents had been there early in the morning helping him get moved in, so now he was over at our room bringing up boxes and trying to be useful. But every time Gabriel and Evelyn left the room, Gary was kissing Sonya—in the closet, in the bathroom down the hall, in the hallway. It actually got a little annoying. I was happy for them, don't get me wrong, but it was just so difficult to keep my mind off thinking of Dev and how he and I would have behaved in the same situation. I was actually thankful that Evelyn decided to stick around and help us unpack our boxes because it at least kept them an arm's length from each other.

  Gabriel, of course, could be counted on for some very fatherly behavior. He got the numbers for the campus police, the direct line for the local police, and the number of his friend in Fresno and saved them in our cell phones. He got maps of the campus and taped them next to our door. He also hooked up small plastic boxes to our door and our wall and explained that they were door and window alarms. He flipped a switch and opened the door. The small box emitted an ear-splitting alarm that brought the RA—Resident Advisor—down the hallway to us.

  When we were all settled in, we walked Evelyn and Gabriel back to the truck.

  Gabriel's voice was very authoritative. "I'll be back this weekend to have lunch with Jose and Melissa. I'll stop by and check on you kids."

  "They aren't kids anymore, Gabriel." Evelyn dabbed at her eyes, and her voice trembled a bit. She put her arm around Sonya and took my hand. "They went and grew up on us. You girls don't even need us anymore."

  He smiled at her sweetly and softened his tone. "They still have plenty of growing up to do, babe. We're still needed."

  Sonya wrapped her arms around her mom. "I'll always need you, momma, no matter how old I get."

  I stepped forward and wrapped my arms around Gabriel. He hugged me tightly to him. "I want you to call every night, and let us know you're doing okay."

  I smiled at the way he wouldn't let go of me. "Sonya already said she would."

  He pulled back and looked me in the eye—his were shiny with moisture. "No, Evie. I want to hear from you. I worry about you, kid."

  And that's when I got emotional. It didn't hit me before since I'd really been on my own plenty, and I really thought that I had sort of maxed out my feelings for Sonya and her parents. I mean, I loved them. They were my family, but they always had been. They were there for me like no one else, so I cared more deeply for them than anyone—except Dev and Harm. But I was so surprised by this sudden, blinding sadness to be leaving their safety and love. Somewhere in the past months, I'd really begin to think of Evelyn and Gabriel as mine—not just family through friendship—they'd become my parents. My heart ached to be away from them.

  "I—" Not sure what to say, I stumbled over words. "You and Evelyn have been—you're so—I—"

  Gabriel pulled me into his arms again and kissed the top of my head. "I know, kid. You'll be fine here, though. You're gonna learn so much and have so much fun. Trust me. And I'll see you this weekend and bring Butcher with me. I'll drive out here whenever you want me to, okay? I mean it, Evie, anytime you need me, I'll be in that truck and here in a minute."

  All I could do was nod for fear that words would lead to tears. He gave me a tight squeeze then let go. Evelyn pulled me away from Gabriel and wrapped her arms around me as Gabriel turned to Sonya. Evelyn didn't say anything, but took my hand and placed her other hand on my cheek. She smiled with sadness, with encouragement, and pride as tears fell down her cheeks. After pulling me into another warm hug, she let go and let Gabriel pull her toward the truck.

  Sonya and I stood there with our arms around each other and watched them climb into the truck and drive away. Our arms still linked, we walked back toward the dorm.

  As we got closer to the building, several guys were sitting on the grass near the entrance to our building. They were staring at everyone that walked by and making incredibly loud comments.

  A dark-haired, older looking guy was speaking loudly as a very shy and very young looking girl walked into the dorm. "Look at that one, she should have stayed in high school."

  "Hey, I like 'em young and innocent," a nasally blond argued. "I'd be happy to show her where things are and how they work."

  "I doubt she'd be able to find it even if you gave her directions," another blond called out.

  "Shut up, Nathan."

  "Oh look at these two. You think they're lesbos?"

  Sonya turned to glare at the moron speaking. He was a decent looking guy with blonde hair and brown eyes, slightly muscular, but still on the thin side. Judging by his appearance, he didn't strike me as the jerk type. Judging by his mouth, however, was a whole different story.

  "Look at the way they're holding each other," one of the guys closer to us blurted out. "Man, would I like to see more of that."

  I turned to stare him down.

  "Hi there, ladies. Wanna join us?" he asked, sleazily.

  Sonya clenched her fists. "Listen asshole, just cuz you're a massive loser, doesn't give you the right to make other people feel that way."

  I turned to her and put my hand on her arm. "Sonya, don't be rude. Can't you see he's busy enjoying the company of these other men?" I glanced back at him as the other guys erupted in a chorus of eewws and hell-no's. I smiled sweetly. "I'm so sorry if we interrupted a little moment here." I gestured with my hand insinuating they were all together. The guys closest to him moved quickly away from the moron. Men were so transparent.

  I had all but dismissed the entire group when my attention was drawn to two angry-looking guys at the edge of the little group. They were scowling at us and wearing dark sunglasses. Something about them made me tug on Sonya's arm to keep moving.

  The same moron that had been speaking to us got up and ran in our direction in an almost aggressive way that made my heart rate pick up. "Wait! Wait. Please, I'm sorry. I just can't survive without knowing." He was panting lightly. The almost desperate look in his eyes made me pause long enough to hear his question. "Please—I have to know—are you lesbians?"

  Sonya turned to me and ran her fingers through my hair. Then she looked back at the incredible moron. "Wouldn't you like to know?" She tugged on my arm again. "Come on, sweetie."

  The look on the moron's face was priceless. His jaw was hanging around on the floor, and I swear there wa
s a little drool at the side of his mouth.

  Once inside, all paranoid fear left my system, and I was able to laugh with Sonya. It felt good after being so upset about saying goodbye to Evelyn and Gabriel. Back in our room, Gary was waiting for us. When we told him about the guys, it took a lot of convincing to keep him from going down there to rip their heads off. Finally, the five-to-one argument seemed to work pretty well, and we went back to looking at our schedule for the next day.

  It was tough to sleep that night not only because I was in a new bed, but because memories of Dev flooded my mind. It seemed the emotions of the day, the exhaustion of moving, and being exposed to Sonya and Gary's affectionate nature toward each other brought back thoughts of Dev full force. I cuddled with Baby Butcher and slept in Dev's T-shirt because it offered me a little comfort even though it had long since lost his scent. When I did finally fall asleep, I dreamt about the guys from the grass breaking into our dorm room to steal our underwear and Dev's T-shirt. The dream was harmless, but seemed to really stick with me throughout the next day.

  Organized chaos seemed to be the way things ran in college if the first day of pre-college was any indication. We started out with a pre-freshmen breakfast where everyone haphazardly ate and talked then moved on to our assigned locations. Since our last names were spread throughout the alphabet, the three of us wound up in different classrooms. I had expected to see a massive lecture hall, but the classroom I was assigned looked similar to our high school classrooms except there was nothing on the walls. Not long after parking myself at a desk in the middle of the room, the seats around me filled up.

  Two guys came in dressed in sagging jeans, showing off their boxers—like anyone wanted to see that. They were arguing fairly loudly and the heavier of the two shoved the other guy into the first row of desks. I looked nervously around me, and the two girls to my right were laughing at them. I tried to brush it off, but I couldn't help thinking this was the beginning. The Setenid Blight had to be spreading. Just as I got the courage to stand up and flee, the heavier guy put his head down and rammed the other guy in the stomach, wrapping his arms around his waist.