Blue Ink

by Tess Thompson

  “Would now work for you?” I asked. The sooner the better. When we’d left the house just now, I’d popped in to her room to check on her. She was curled up on the bed with Isabel, both asleep. The image of that plump healthy baby in the arms of her frail mother would not leave me soon.

  Chapter Nineteen

  Ardan

  * * *

  I arrived home earlier than anticipated from my trip into Hailey. The clerk at the baby store had been knowledgeable and I left with a crib, changing table, and bookshelf, along with a stuffed dog I couldn’t resist. I’d called Moonstone earlier to see if she could send Sam over to the house to help me put the furniture together. When I pulled into the driveway, he had already arrived. On his knees, he weeded a flower bed. Sweetheart chewed on a bone while staying near his beloved master. Sam’s red toolbox was by the door. I greeted him and asked him to help me carry the boxes inside the house.

  When we had everything in the bedroom I intended for Isabel, Sam took a small notebook and pencil out of his pocket. He wrote something before showing it to me. “I’ll do it.”

  I nodded and thanked him. Sam liked to work alone. I wasn’t sure if it was his lack of speech that made it more pressure to have someone near or if he thought I’d be in the way. Rescuing beautiful women from a herd of elk was one thing. Putting furniture together was quite another.

  I wandered to the kitchen. Effie was at the counter cutting up vegetables. “Miss Felicity doesn’t want anything but soup broth, so I’m making it as healthy as I can.”

  “Where’s Charlotte?”

  “I’m not sure, Mr. Lanigan. I saw her and Mrs. Lanigan leaving together. They didn’t tell me where they were going.”

  I ambled without purpose to my study. There were items in my email to attend to, but I couldn’t concentrate. I had just shut down my laptop when I heard a car pull up. A quick glance out the window told me it was Charlotte and Mother back from wherever they’d been. Seconds later, my brother’s car pulled up. I went to the front door as the three of them came in.

  “What’s going on?” I asked Charlotte.

  “Felicity wanted to see Ciaran,” she said. “So, your mother and I went over to talk to him.”

  I shoved my hands in my pockets and rocked back on my feet. “She wants to see him. For what purpose?”

  “She wants closure,” Charlotte said apologetically. Why should she apologize? None of this was her fault.

  “She’s in her room. I can tell her you’re here.” I put my arm around Charlotte’s shoulder. She snuggled into me. All was right with the world when my Charlotte was with me.

  Mother waved her cane. “Yes, Ardan, you tell Felicity that Ciaran’s here. No one needs this to drag out. Charlotte, can you take me to my room? I need a respite.”

  Charlotte moved away from me and took Mother’s arm.

  As they walked away, Ciaran put his hand on my shoulder. “Let’s talk for a moment.”

  We went into my office. Ciaran shut the door. “Don’t screw this up with Charlotte.”

  “I won’t.”

  “Don’t take this baby. Put yourself and Charlotte first,” he said. “The child can be adopted to a nice couple. You guys had plans.”

  “We’re running out of time.”

  “You tell her no,” Ciaran said. “It’s as simple as that.”

  “It’s not simple. Not something like this.”

  “Brother, you deserve to be happy.”

  “I know.” I raised my arms in exasperation. “I just don’t know if either one of us can say no to her.”

  “She’s already gotten to Charlotte,” Ciaran said. “That much is obvious.”

  “Charlotte has a huge heart.”

  “So do you. Sometimes to your own detriment,” Ciaran said.

  “Let’s put a pin in this,” I said. “I’ll go get her.”

  I walked down the hall to Felicity’s room. She was on the bed, dressed and wearing lipstick that matched her pink scarf. Isabel was playing with a toy on Felicity’s lap.

  “Ciaran’s here,” I said. “But I suspect you know that.”

  “Don’t be mad at Charlotte. I practically forced her to do it.”

  “If it’s what you want, I’m not going to stop you.”

  “Are you angry at me?” she asked.

  “Of course not, other than I don’t want to see you get hurt. Just like always.” I took the baby from her lap. Isabel snuggled her head against my chest.

  Felicity adjusted her scarf. God help us, she looked too weak to get off the bed. I held out my hand and assisted her to her feet.

  She let out a moan as we crossed the room. “Can you give me another pain pill?”

  I ran back into the room to grab the bottle and a glass of water from the bedside table. She swallowed it quickly before looking into my eyes. “I just need to say goodbye, that’s all.”

  “I know. You do whatever you need to do.”

  Ciaran stood by the fireplace with his back to us. When he turned to face her, Felicity looked like someone eating their first meal after near starvation. Ciaran, on the other hand, paled at the sight of her. She was not the same woman he’d left behind two years ago.

  Ciaran held out his arms and Felicity disappeared in his embrace. “I look awful, I know,” she said.

  “I had no idea you were sick.”

  “I thought I could beat it. You know me, always unrealistic about the most important things. Can we talk alone? In Ardan’s study?”

  “Sure.”

  The two of them walked together to my study and shut the door behind them.

  The baby babbled and rubbed her downy head on my chin. She was a beautiful child. Would I ever be able to love her like she was my own? Would she be better off with someone else? Or were Charlotte and I her destiny, as we’d been for each other?

  I took Isabel into the kitchen. Effie was at the island cutting turkey into small pieces. “Sam brought the high chair in,” she said.

  Isabel kicked her legs, clearly excited for dinner. I’d helped when Rori was little. From what I could tell, not much had changed when it came to high chairs. I set her inside and fastened the belt, then slipped the tray into place. “Does she wear a bib?” I asked.

  Effie glided over with a pink bib with “Mommy’s Girl” on the front. She tied it around Isabel’s neck.

  Effie placed a pile of turkey on the tray, followed by soft chunks of cooked carrots. Isabel grabbed several turkey pieces at once and stuffed them into her mouth. I pushed a carrot toward her. She squashed it between her fingers, managing to get only half of it in her mouth. The rest smeared across her face.

  “Mr. Lanigan, are you feeling all right?” Effie stared at me with a worried furrow of her brow.

  “Yes, I’m fine. Just sad.”

  For the next fifteen minutes, I supervised Isabel’s eating and chatted with Effie. She’d made pizza dough earlier and was now rolling it out to put onto cookie sheets. Charlotte came down and joined us, having gotten Mother settled.

  She came over to me first and leaned against me. I wrapped an arm around her waist.

  “Is my brother right?” I asked. “Have mother and child gotten to you?”

  She laughed. “Is that what he said?”

  “Is he right, miss?” Effie asked.

  “She shared with me more about why she wants Isabel to be a Lanigan. I understand better now about her lonely childhood and how happy she was here with your big, messy family.”

  “That’s because she didn’t really have one,” Effie said.

  “I agree,” I said.

  “Maybe,” Charlotte said. “Because I’m enamored with you Lanigans myself.” Charlotte went to the refrigerator and pulled out a bottle of wine. “I want a big fat glass.”

  “Me too,” I said.

  While she poured us some, Charlotte looked over at Effie. “Tell us the truth. Is the life we planned for the next few years completely off the table if we take Isabel?”

  “Pre
tty much,” Effie said.

  I heard the front door slam shut. “They must be done,” I said. “What do I do?”

  “Go check on her,” Charlotte said. “I’ll stay here with Isabel.”

  Felicity was on the couch in the living room with a blanket wrapped around her shoulders, staring into the unlit fireplace.

  I asked if she was all right. “Do you need anything?” She looked at me, her face so thin I could see the outline of her cheekbones.

  From the kitchen came the sound of Isabel’s laughter, followed by Charlotte’s.

  “How did it go?” I asked.

  “He told me about the woman who stalked him all those years—that he was afraid to love anyone because he wasn’t sure he was going to be around.”

  I sat next to her. “Does that make you feel better?”

  “Not really, no. Bliss was enough to get him to change his mind.” She wiped tears from her cheeks. “I’ve wasted so much time loving him.”

  “Did you get closure?”

  “Stupid closure everyone’s always talking about isn’t as great as it sounds. But yes, I said I was sorry. I told him I’ve never stopped loving him and that my times here with him were the highlights of my life. We had a few laughs remembering some of our antics. He told me he was sorry for how he treated me. I deserved better than to be just one of his girls.” She paused as she took a rattling breath. “God, it still hurts so much that he chose someone else.”

  “Your pain will be over soon,” I said. “You’ll have the chance to start over or be in heaven. All this will be done, finally.”

  She tilted her face toward me. “You didn’t love me that way, did you? I know you loved me when we were kids, even though you never said. I’m not the reason you haven’t married?”

  “No. I just hadn’t met the right person yet.”

  “And you feel certain it’s Charlotte?”

  “I do.”

  “I’m sorry about Melanie. I’ve never properly apologized.”

  An image of Melanie’s face when she saw us on the sofa flashed before my eyes. I waited for the familiar pain and embarrassment of that night to wash over me. It didn’t. There was only a smidge, like the leftover peanut butter on the bottom of a jar. Charlotte had changed me. She was my world now.

  “It doesn’t matter now,” I said.

  “I was sick with grief over Ciaran’s rejection. I should never have come to your place.”

  “Don’t give it another thought.”

  “Did you tell her we didn’t have sex?” she asked.

  “Melanie never gave me a chance. She’d been cheated on before and she thought I was a guy she could trust. When she saw us like that, it was all over.”

  “I’ve always brought the drama, haven’t I?” she asked.

  “You do have a gift for it,” I said gently.

  “I know I don’t deserve it, but I’m desperate. I’m dying, Ardan. You have to take Isabel.”

  “Charlotte’s part of my life now. I have to make the decision with her, not in a vacuum with you.”

  “A vacuum?”

  “That’s what it’s like with you—you pull me into the Felicity vortex until all I can see is you. I can’t do it this time. I have to choose myself first. I’ve made promises to Charlotte that I intend to keep.”

  “Isabel needs you.”

  “It doesn’t have to be me.”

  “It does. You have to do this for me.”

  “See, that’s the thing, I don’t. I owe it to myself and to Charlotte to do what’s right for us. I don’t love Isabel. Until you came here, I didn’t even know she existed. I’m not the person to leave her with.”

  “You’ll grow to love her. I know you.”

  “Felicity, this is all wrong. This isn’t how it’s supposed to be.”

  “I know. God, Ardan, don’t you think I know that? I’m not supposed to be dying.” She turned away, tears sliding down her face. “I hate her.”

  “Who?”

  “Bliss. I hate her with every ounce of what’s left of me.” She sobbed as she spoke. “I hate that she’s healthy. I hate that she has Ciaran’s baby. Why couldn’t it be me? I loved him first. No one’s ever loved him as much as I did.”

  My stomach churned. How could this still be on her mind? Out of my peripheral vision, I saw Charlotte standing at the foot of the stairs.

  Charlotte approached, her face contorted in sympathy and sat on the other side of Felicity. “Come here now.” She cradled Felicity’s head in her lap. “It’s all right. Let it out.”

  “It’s not fair.” Felicity continued to sob. “You were right. Seeing him made it worse. He was tired from being up all night with her baby. Not mine.”

  “I know,” Charlotte said.

  “Why am I left with no one at the end?” Felicity asked.

  “You’re not alone,” I said. “We’re here.”

  Felicity quieted. Charlotte stroked her shoulder.

  “You’ll let Isabel stay?” Felicity asked. “I want her to know how much I loved her. Please, promise me you’ll take care of her.”

  “Isabel will be loved,” Charlotte said.

  “You’ll keep her?” Felicity asked. “Ardan?”

  All my life, I’ve prided myself on being honest. God forgive me, I couldn’t this time. I had to lie to her, so that she might have peace. We had to fib so she could let go of this world and enter the next.

  I anchored my eyes to Charlotte. She gave me a slight nod.

  “I promise you,” I said. “Charlotte and I will look after her. You don’t have to worry any longer.”

  “You’ll make sure she gets to roam the woods and swim in the creek and all the other stuff we did?”

  “Yes. We’ll make sure she has a good life,” I said.

  “Your job is just to let go now,” Charlotte said. “We’ll take care of the rest. Where you’re going, you’ll be at peace.”

  “Do you think so?” she asked. “I won’t be punished for wasting my life?”

  “You haven’t wasted it,” I said. “Think of all the people you’ve helped with your philanthropy work.”

  “I wish I had longer. I’d do so many things differently.” She moaned as a wave of pain overwhelmed her. “I need pills.”

  “It’s time for you to rest,” Charlotte said. “We’ll bring Isabel to see you.”

  “Let’s get you to bed.” I stood and picked her up as gently as I could. Her head flopped against my chest.

  “I’m sorry, Ardan. I’ve been a burden to you.”

  “Shush now,” I said. “We’re going to tuck you in, all cozy.”

  Seeing Ciaran one last time had cost her weeks. She had to do it, yet it caused her impetus into final decline.

  She was nothing but bones as I carried her back to her room. I placed her on the bed and covered her in blankets. Charlotte gave her two pills, holding her up so she could drink from the glass.

  “It’s time. Time for the nurse to come,” Felicity said.

  “I’ll get her here tonight.” I helped her lay back against the pillow, then sat in the chair next to the bed. Charlotte tucked the blankets around Felicity.

  “Don’t leave me,” Felicity said. “Stay until I fall asleep?”

  “Of course.” Charlotte sat next to her on the bed. “We’ll be right here the whole time.”

  Felicity closed her eyes. “Ardan, do you remember the time we found the kittens in that old barn?”

  “Sure.” We’d found a litter of four kittens without their mother. We assumed she’d been killed while scouting for food.

  “Whatever happened to the kittens?” Felicity asked. “I can’t remember that part.”

  “Mother brought them inside and we took care of them until they were big enough to be adopted,” I said. “We ended up keeping two of them.”

  “Which ones?” she asked.

  “The tabby and the tuxedo. The others went to one of the ranching families,” I said.

  “I wanted to keep
one, but my mother said no,” Felicity said. “Please, get a kitty for Isabel when she’s older. That way she won’t be so alone.”

  “She won’t be alone,” Charlotte said. “But we’ll get her a kitten. Maybe two.”

  “Two is better. Everyone should be in pairs.” Felicity drifted off to sleep.

  Charlotte stood, brushing tears from the corners of her eyes. “I’ll go check on your mother and the baby.”

  I nodded. “We’ll talk later,” I whispered.

  She leaned in and kissed me lightly on the mouth. “We’ll work it all out. We’re a pair.”

  “Always.”

  I stayed for a few minutes, watching Felicity take ragged breaths, knowing in my gut she didn’t have long. What if she’d allowed herself the chance with the right man? She would have had years and years of happiness instead of her last bitter moments thinking about the man she’d never had in the first place.

  An image of her when we were young floated before my eyes. She was on one of our horses. They’d stopped in the middle of the meadow, waiting for the rest of us to catch up. Her long blond hair blew about her face. She was laughing. At what, I couldn’t recall. Probably something Ciaran said.

  I would remember her that way—describe her to Isabel just this way—not the ravaged woman before me. Damn you, cancer.

  I went down on my knees and prayed harder than I’ve ever prayed in my life.

  Please God, end her pain. Give her peace. Guide Charlotte and me. Tell us what you want us to do.

  Chapter Twenty

  Charlotte

  * * *

  I stood outside. The sky presented in the unique shade of blue that comes just after twilight. A howl of a coyote somewhere in the thick forest echoed in the night. I shivered. I’d forgotten to add coyotes to the list of wild animals that could possibly eat me. Were the elk safe from coyotes? I would have to ask Ardan.

  I turned when I heard the doors to the patio open. Ardan stood there with his hands in his pockets, looking drawn and pale.

  “Hey,” I said softly.

  “Effie’s with the baby. She thought we might need some time alone.” He reached for me and I dissolved into his arms.