Fashionably Dead in Diapers: Hot Damned Series Book 4

by Robyn Peterman

  "I've thought about that already," Ethan said. "Heathcliff will do his fight training until Samuel is ready for The Kev and my sister Racquel can do his schooling."

  "Racquel?" I asked, surprised. She was hotter than Hell. I coveted her wardrobe with a vengeance, but was she smart?

  "Off the charts MENSA," the King said with pride. "She's also great with kids."

  This could work. I trusted Heathcliff, my Vampyre cousin, with my life and I really liked Racquel a lot, but…"Wait. I thought Heathcliff ripped off Racquel's arms or legs or something a long time ago."

  "Yes, that's true." Ethan grinned with delight at the memory. God, we were a violent race. "But they are by far the most qualified and trustworthy for the job. They will deal with their past or I will deal with them."

  "Works for me," I said, wondering if Sammy's tutors would survive each other, not to mention my son…"So any questions?"

  The Baby Demons raised their hands excitedly.

  "That don't have to do with boobies or touching butts…"

  Their hands went down.

  "Great. I'll make out a schedule and email it to everyone. I'd prefer you guys come to us until we know Sammy has more of a grip on his, um…skills."

  "Can I take the animals home to Nirvana?" Mother Nature asked as she peeked through the cages at the lions and monkeys.

  "Yes," Ethan and I shouted at the same time.

  "That would be wonderful," I added gratefully.

  "Then we're off," Satan said grandly as he gave me, Sammy and his daughter Dixie quick hugs. "I'd also like to thank whomever left the Trolls and Gnomes in Purgatory for me. They completely destroyed half of that stinky place before the piped in music caused them to explode. God had an absolute fit. It was lovely."

  I glanced over at The Kev who shrugged and grinned.

  Holy Hell on a flaming stick. My life was anything but boring.

  Chapter 6

  Playtime with your child is educational and beneficial. A parent should set aside time to play with their child daily. However, keep in mind that fun and games can quickly turn to tantrums and tears.

  "No. The answer is no," I said firmly. I slapped a full house down on the table and grinned. "You owe me a hundred bucks."

  "Son of a bitch," Martha groused as she threw her cards at me. "I think you cheat." She pulled some twenties out of her cleavage and I almost threw up in my mouth.

  "Is that the only cash you have?" I asked, disgusted.

  "Yep," she grunted, knowing full well I wouldn't touch her sweaty boob money. "Jane has some in her underpants too."

  "Oh. My. Hell," I griped. "You're disgusting."

  "How about we play for supervised visitation rights?" Jane bargained.

  I had forbidden them from seeing Sammy after the babysitting debacle. They were so depressed and pitiful about it, I stupidly invited them to game night to cheer their asses up. Clearly, it wasn't working, but that was just too bad. I glanced around the room and giggled. The Kev and Gemma were playing Twister that looked like foreplay and Pam and the King were in an intense and profane game of Scrabble. Venus and several Vamps were playing a very serious and deadly game of Monopoly and Ethan was engrossed in the directions of Candy Land in preparation for playing with Samuel when he woke up. Motherhumper, that was hot. Any man who would study Candy Land for his child like it was the Holy Grail deserved a thirty minute blow job.

  "You ladies, and I use that term loosely, fucked up. Most of Purgatory is gone due to your explicit descriptions of Gnomes and Trolls and my toilets are backed up with Zombie dust. I have considered flushing your heads, but the thought of your hair anywhere in my bathroom is nightmare inducing. So the answer is still no."

  "What if we said we were going to give your name and address to the Jehovah's Witnesses and tell them that it's your dream to join because you think birthdays and Christmas suck ass?" Martha said slyly, thinking she had me.

  "Is that all you got?" I snorted. "How about if I tell the local paper that you ladies are hermaphrodites who believe in gay marriage, gun control and higher taxes on corporations?"

  "Low blow, Titty McBoobyhatch," Jane grumbled.

  "Thank you."

  "You're welcome," Jane said with admiration. "Will you keep us away from him forever?"

  She fiddled with her hair and I noticed it moved dangerously to the left, leaving a rather large bald spot on the right. Holy Hell, she was bald and the nest on her head was a wig. Normally I would have jumped on that shit like white on rice, but she looked so pathetic at the moment I didn't have the heart.

  I looked at the two heinous old bags dressed in hot pink workout gear trimmed in green faux fur and I caved. Why did I feel sorry for them? They were horrid, but I knew they truly loved Sammy and he'd been asking about them constantly. Maybe I would take their voice boxes during their visits…

  "If you two can behave I will let you have a fifteen minute supervised visit with Samuel later this week," I said, regretting every word as it left my mouth. Ethan's groan and eye roll didn't help much, but the looks of joy on Martha and Jane's faces made me feel good. "I will supervise and I will kill you dead if you screw up again."

  "Sounds fair," Martha said.

  "You drive a hard bargain, Knockers Mcboobtastic," Jane grumbled. "But we accept. We are going to give him singing lessons."

  "Um…" I had heard them sing. They were convinced they were going to compete on American Idol. They were smoking crack.

  "We've been working up a medley of Prince and I do believe we've found our calling. I sing a mother fucking killer rendition of “Raspberry Beret” and Jane absolutely nails the shit out of “Purple Rain” and “1999”."

  "I'm going to be sick," Ethan muttered from across the room.

  "It will be fine," I said, trying to convince myself more than him. "There will be…"

  The explosion was violent and completely unexpected. We weren't at war with anyone at the moment as far as I knew, but clearly I didn't know shit. The windows blew out and shards of glass shot through the room like machine gun bullets. Blood splattered the walls and all of my friends went into action. Blazing pink fires billowed and screams like I'd never heard pierced the air as I winced and clapped my hands over my ears.

  The invaders were beautiful and even a brief glance at them was painful. I knew what they were and it made my stomach roil. I didn't think they left their land very often, but apparently they were tired of waiting for their Queen. The Fairies had come for Gemma because she had refused to go to them. They did not look happy to see her and I knew her minutes were numbered. This was not working for me.

  The Kev no longer looked like David Hasselhoff. He was a gorgeous avenging Fairy in hand to hand combat with three other viciously beautiful people of his race. Gemma had shifted into something that resembled a shimmering Dragon with fangs that put a prehistoric tiger's to shame. She was roughly the size of an SUV and I said a quick prayer to Uncle God that the floor would hold.

  It was happening so fast I wasn't quite sure it was happening at all. Instinct took over and I began to shoot magic from my fingertips that should have turned the ethereal bastards to dust, but only served to piss them off.

  "Ethan," I shouted. "Behind you!"

  He turned quickly and decapitated two ferocious Fairies with his bare hands. They were headed for Gemma and would have happily made my mate collateral damage along the way. His furious roar bounced off the walls of the room and captured everything I was feeling. Who did these pretty cocksuckers think they were busting in on game night and destroying my house? I was so done with people messing up my stuff. It was one thing if Sammy did it…Oh my God. My baby.

  As I began to run to the nursery next door, I was trapped in a chokehold by one of the best looking dudes I'd ever seen. He had no idea what a mistake he was making. I was a mother who was going to protect her child and he was in my way. Bad fucking move—very bad.

  My scream stopped time and the Fairy tried to back off, but that wa
s so not happening. His ass was mine. "Martha and Jane, nursery," I shouted. "NOW." They were insane, but they would die for my child.

  "On it," Martha grunted as she literally flew from the room with Jane in tow, kicking every Fairy in the head as they left. How in the Hell could they already fly? Honestly, I didn't care—I was overjoyed that they could fly. It would mean they could grab Sammy and get away from here if need be.

  Above the frightening sounds of the battle I heard The Kev commanding a reluctant Gemma to transport to a safe house, but she was having none of it. She fought savagely right alongside her man. However, The Kev was right—she should leave until we got rid of the enemy. I needed to kill a Fairy real quick and then have a brief word with my BFF. First things first…

  "You're just a woman," the Fairy snarled with disgust as long, deadly claws ejected from his fingertips. "A filthy Vampyre to boot. I eat shit like you for breakfast."

  "Oh my God," I shouted to the room. "This stupid assjacket eats shit. That is soooooo gross."

  Pam's cackle from across the room as she, Venus and the King destroyed Fairies almost made me smile.

  "That's not what I meant," he screeched as he noticed other Fairies laughing at him.

  "Well dude, you're gonna have a really hard time living that shit eating thing down—so I'm gonna help you out with that."

  His anger made him sloppy, which was exactly what I was banking on. Fairies were some of the deadliest warriors around. I silently thanked The Kev again for my training. He was the most deadly of them all, evidenced by the way he was ripping through Fairy after Fairy as they tried to abduct Gemma. Ethan had killed his share and was headed for the nursery. With a quick nod and one last decapitation of a Fairy on his way out of the room he winked. God, he was hot. A man who could rip the head off a magical asshole and then make my panties wet while I was getting ready to kill a shit-eating immortal bully was a total keeper. That calmed me greatly. My son would be fine with his father and the old hags. I needed to off the rude dude and make sure Gemma escaped.

  I closed my eyes and pulled magic from the darkest part of my soul. This was over. Now. The pain shot through my body like hot knives, carving up my insides. I jerked and convulsed as the black magic coursed through my system. The Fairy laughed. I glanced up through my agony and I smiled. That was the last thing he expected and it was the last thing he saw. My scream hurt my own ears, but the sound of popping Fairies was like soothing music. They didn't just drop and turn to dust. Nope, the beautiful monsters burst into sparking glitter and flames in every color of the rainbow. It was breathtakingly macabre. I had killed all the bad ones and thankfully not The Kev and Gemma.

  "Astrid," Venus yelled frantically as she wrapped her body around mine. "Are you okay? Do you need blood? Gemma, come over here and give her blood."

  Gemma shifted back to herself and pressed her wrist to my mouth. I bit down and drank.

  "Pancakes?" I asked weakly.

  "Yep, pancakes." Her smile did not reach her eyes, but her love for me was evident.

  Anything my BFF ate, I could taste in her blood. Ice cream was one of the things I missed most about being human and my beautiful buddy made sure I still got my fill. It had come in tremendously handy when I was pregnant and craving pickles and Taco Bell bean burritos.

  "They're gone," The Kev said with rage simmering in his voice. "Astrid, you've done well. Only two escaped."

  "I missed two of them?" I asked, surprised.

  "They had already run from the room," he answered with disgust. "I will find them and destroy them," he promised.

  "Gemma, you have to go into hiding," I said as I sat up gingerly and took in the destruction of the room. The cleaning service was definitely going to quit.

  "No, I won't hide. I have to…"

  The sound of Ethan's roar sent chills up my spine and my stomach to my throat. I struggled to my feet and began to run. The pain in his voice ripped at my soul. I could not live without him. I felt him and his agony in every part of my body and in every corner of my mind.

  He sat in the middle of the nursery with his head in his hands. Blood was everywhere and the remains of a Fairy that had been torn to bits were strewn across the room. The silence was deafening and I refused to take in what I was seeing…actually what I wasn't seeing.

  "Where's Sammy?" My voice sounded far away and small. Ethan said nothing. His rage and fury filled the room.

  "Did they take him?" The Kev ground out with barely contained fury.

  Ethan still said nothing.

  "Answer him," I screamed and got down in my Vampyre's face. "Answer me."

  "When I was tearing that one apart," he said in a dead voice, "the other one took our child."

  I stood and moved erratically around the room. This was not possible. This was not happening. The need to crawl out of my skin was immense. It felt like something had been torn out of me and I couldn't figure out what to do to get it back. There was no way I would survive if I didn't get it back.

  "Martha? Jane?" I demanded. Were they dead? Was there a pile of ash in the room that used to be them? I got down on my hands and knees and searched. They drove me to insanity, but I needed them to be alive. They had to be alive. My hands were covered in blood and the remains of the dead Fairy as I crawled around and desperately hunted for any sign of the old imbeciles. Why couldn't I find them? Their scent lingered in the room. They had been angry and terrified. Where in the Hell were they?

  "They latched themselves onto the Fairy and wouldn't let go. He had no choice but to take them too," Ethan said hollowly.

  My laughter was inappropriate and it was loud. It bordered on hysterics. The old bags had gone with my son. Perfect and perfectly horrifying. They would protect him with their lives. I couldn't love them more right now—conservative torpedo tits and all. I finally saw some light at the end of a very dark tunnel.

  "Where would they have taken him?" I demanded of The Kev.

  "To Xanthia," he replied. "I'm sure they are in Xanthia."

  "I'll trade myself," Gemma said forcefully. "I will cross over the bridge and give myself up for the return of Samuel."

  "No," The Kev said harshly.

  "My life is not as important as his," she shot back in a tortured voice I barely recognized. "I despise the Fairies and have no desire to be their Queen. I can't spend my immortality waiting to be murdered by one of my kind. At least this way I am in control of my death—there will be a reason for it. It's my choice. Trading my life for Samuel's is what I want."

  I wanted to yell yes, but I was so confused I couldn't move. Guilt consumed me as I warred with myself. Was it my place to demand or condone my best friend's life for my son's? If this was what she wanted was it my place to say no? Fuck, my role as a mother wasn't meshing with my role as a friend. I wanted my son back and I wanted the closest thing to a sister that I had to be alive.

  "Would they take me?" I asked. "Let me trade myself. The Fairies will have a very hard time killing me without the Sword of Death. I have a much better chance making it out alive with Samuel than Gemma does."

  "They will not hurt a child while he is collateral, but they will kill Gemma on sight. "The Kev said. "Astrid, the Fairies will not want you—you mean nothing to them. Samuel will be safe for a while. If there is one thing I know it is that." The Kev looked devastated. He had waited lifetimes for Gemma. The simple fact that she would forfeit her life so easily was killing him.

  "No one is dying," I said angrily, "except for the bastard who took my son and anyone who tries to stop me from getting him back. Period."

  "Do they know what Samuel is?" Ethan demanded angrily as he stood up, motivated by revenge and fear for our child.

  "I don't see how they could know. I would guess they have been watching us and had several plans in place. They would know Gemma's connection to Samuel and assume she would barter for his life. Even if they try to kill him, they can't. He's a True Immortal and as Astrid pointed out, they don't have the Sword of De
ath," The Kev explained as he took Gemma's hand and stared at her hard. "Gemma, you will go into hiding until this is taken care of."

  She pulled away from The Kev and shook her head in frustration. "They will happily take me in exchange for Samuel," she said woodenly. "I will die happy if I know he is safe. They're going to kill me eventually…let me die for a real reason."

  "The chances of them giving back the child are slim if they get what they want," The Kev said quietly.

  "Your people are fucked up," I hissed.

  "That is why I spend as much time as I do in your realm," The Kev replied sadly.

  "And that's why I don't want to be their fucking Queen," Gemma said with a fury-laced voice.