Tiger's Heart

by Aisling Juanjuan Shen

  Huang didn’t say much about the changes in my life. “You are busy as a bee,” he would sometimes remark. “Just be careful with whatever you are doing,” he told me once. “Don’t let people in LongJiang know about it.”

  “I met a man, and I’m learning Amway from him.” I sat down on the bed next to him.

  “I’ve heard of Amway. It all sounds marvelous but not necessary practical,” he said.

  I jumped up and shouted, “No, you don’t understand. Amway is a career, the greatest career ever.”

  Unaffected by my fervor, he shook his head.

  “Do you like that man?” He sounded casual, but I could tell that he was anxious to know.

  I smiled at him, unsure of what to say. Eventually I nodded.

  With a knowing look, he sighed. “I know you’re not going to stay here forever.” He looked at me with such gentle eyes that my heart melted. “You are young and should think of your own future.”

  I put my head on his shoulder.

  “Do you think you’ll ever want to get divorced for me?” I murmured.

  He chuckled softly in the dark. “You know I could never do that to my son.”

  We both knew that it was naïve to think we might have a future together. Fate was like a strong wind, and we were just grains of sand that it lifted up and took with it. We kicked and struggled, but we had no choice but to go along with it because we were so small and insignificant.

  While Huang slowly faded from my life, Amway and Brother Yong gradually were taking his place. I had great admiration for Brother Yong. The words of my favorite modern writer, Eileen Chang, described my feelings perfectly: “When I see him, I become low and low, so low that I sink to the dirt, but I like it in my heart, like it so much that it grows a flower from the dirt.” I longed to go to Guangzhou and do Amway things with him every day.

  Without letting Brother Yong know, I crafted a beautiful dream. I knew the Guangzhou natives looked down on people born in hamlets. I knew the people living in big cities separated themselves from drifting outlanders. I knew that a man driving the newest Harley-Davidson model would not marry a girl who couldn’t afford a second pair of shoes. I knew a Diamond Bachelor like him wouldn’t normally talk to a clodhopper like me; but what if the story of Cinderella and Prince Charming was true? Maybe Brother Yong was a man who didn’t care about social norms and status.

  I was tired of drifting from place to place, from man to man. I desperately wanted a home. The house in the Shen Hamlet had never been a home to me. In the South, I rarely thought of it and had only mailed my family one letter with my address. The only person from the hamlet whom I had talked to was Honor, who had told me that my mother had spent a lot of money to have a telephone installed so I could call them. I never did, unwilling and unable to deal with the past.

  15

  ON A CHILLY day in March 1997, two months after I’d started attending Amway lessons, I went to meet Brother Yong at the Amway headquarters in the Tianhe business district in Guangzhou. The building stood on high ground, and people gathered in groups on the plaza below, most carrying cardboard boxes or plastic bags with the Amway logo on them.

  After spotting him at the top of the marble staircase leading to the building’s entrance, I ran up the steps. I had just received my monthly salary. I proudly handed him 721 yuan. In return, Brother Yong handed me an Amway cardboard box and said joyfully, “Congratulations! Now you are officially an Amway businesswoman and my protégé!”

  With all the detergent and cleanser inside, the box was heavy. I held it with both hands and gazed at Brother Yong. The flags behind him waved majestically, and his clean-cut face looked firm and determined. I promised myself that I would work very hard to become the protégé he was most proud of. I started to imagine the day when I would have thousands of subordinates in my pyramid and be a millionaire, and I couldn’t help but smile.

  “You know, Ah-Juan, Sister Grace is holding a three-day seminar this weekend at a hotel. I think you should come. People learn tremendously from successful people just by being with them every minute,” Brother Yong told me.

  “Three days? That means I would have to skip work on Friday?” I stammered. “And . . . hmm . . . do you know how much the seminar costs?”

  “Ah-Juan, this is very important to you. You need to look at it as your new career. Be prepared to invest, to suffer, to fight, and to work hard,” he said emphatically. “Get a day off from work, and get the money you need. It’s all worth it.”

  He spoke in such a decisive and encouraging tone that I couldn’t help doing what he said.

  I skipped work on Friday, hoping that Director Yip, who might not even come to the office, wouldn’t notice my absence and that the other secretary, Chen, would not tell anyone. During the three-day seminar at a Guangzhou hotel, I listened to numerous speeches given by successful Amway businessmen. I introduced myself to thousands of strangers, who came from every corner of China and who all clutched small tape recorders to record every single speech. We shook hands wildly and called each other brother and sister. At night, we sat on the beds and shared our life stories. I listened to other members telling each other excitedly how many subordinates they had developed, how many Amway products they had sold, and how promising the Amway market was. I felt like part of a big family composed of all kinds of people—professors with gray hair, peasants from Inner China, young nurses, retired street cleaners—who all shared the same dream: success with Amway.

  “Brothers and sisters, let me tell you, my vision has been widened a thousand times since I joined Amway. Our business is everywhere. Think about it: if everyone in China gives you one yuan, you have 1.2 billion yuan already! Go talk to the old man cleaning the street. Go talk to the woman serving you noodles. They may buy your products. They may join Amway and become your subordinates! Because, brothers and sisters, remember this, you are bringing a brand-new future to them, and you are helping them and at the same time helping yourself!”

  Roomfuls of passion, roomfuls of ambition, and roomfuls of responses and applause! I was falling in love with Amway. By the time the seminar had ended, I had become a member of the dare-to-die Amway squad.

  At the end of the seminar, I left the hotel alongside Brother Yong and a few others, feeling overwhelmingly happy about my experience. The chilly wind blew into my face. I shivered in my thin clothes. I reached into my pocket and found that I had a hundred yuan left. It was Sunday. I was cold and hungry, and I should have headed back to Long Jiang to work the next day. But no, I told myself. Sister Grace was holding another seminar in Hangzhou, a city that was twenty-five hours away by train in the Yangtze River Delta, my own “home” territory, and I had to keep following her in order to become successful like she was.

  “Go. You should definitely go. Follow her. Be her protégé. This is the exactly the kind of passion you need to succeed in Amway.” Brother Yong gave me an approving smile.

  “Yeah, you should go. I’ve been following Sister Grace for two months, and so far I have developed two subordinates,” someone else chimed in.

  I decided that I should go directly to Hangzhou. Let Director Yip go to hell. Let everything else go to hell, I cursed loudly into the evening wind as I marched toward the train station. Huang would be worried about my disappearance, I realized; but, filled with passion for Amway, I quickly put the thought behind me.

  Before boarding the train, I went to a public phone and called Spring, who now sold clothes in Zhenze for a living. I told her to meet me in Hangzhou, three hours away from the hamlet by bus, and to bring me a jacket and not say anything to our mother. Without giving her time to ask questions, I hung up.

  I took out my list of potential subordinates and called one of my old college classmates, Wu. She and I hadn’t been good friends in college, but, after she was assigned to a middle school in the town next to Ba Jin, we had started talking on the phone once in a while. I knew she wasn’t satisfied with her teaching job.

  As soo
n as she picked up the phone, I asked, “Do you want to succeed in life?”

  “Yeah, of course. Where are you?” Wu sounded confused but curious.

  “Don’t ask. I have an incredible career opportunity for you. Take the next train to Hangzhou, and meet me at the Community Center on Jinling Road.”

  “Right now? That’s four hours away by bus! What—”

  “Don’t ask. I promise you, you won’t regret it. Just come here.” I hung up.

  Next I called Fish, my best friend from college. I repeated the conversation I’d had with Wu. I had done exactly what Amway instructed—get your friends to a lesson first and then tell them what a life-changing opportunity Amway was. I had just tricked my friends into traveling hundreds of miles, but I didn’t feel guilty at all. I was giving them Amway, and I truly believed I was helping them change their lives.

  The train stopped in Hangzhou just as it started to get dark. After standing in the crowded cabin for most of the ride, I was exhausted. March in Hangzhou was much colder than in tropical Guangzhou. Wearing an unlined dress, I rubbed my arms and rushed to People’s Square, where Spring was waiting for me.

  The square was bigger and more crowded than I’d expected. The circular fountain in the center, which was as tall as two people, sprinkled water into a pond at its base surrounded by colorful flowers. Children were chasing each other, and adults were strolling on the vast cement plaza. I ran around a few times and at first was unable to find Spring. I became worried. In my mind, Spring was a quiet and timid young country girl, and I chastised myself for asking her to take a three-hour bus ride to this strange city to meet me.

  Finally, I saw her standing next to some flowering shrubs, carrying a plastic bag and looking around anxiously. I ran to her.

  “Meimei!” I called, using the term for younger sister.

  She turned at the sound of my voice. I saw her face, still puffy from the motorcycle accident, in the setting sun. I was grateful to see her but saddened by all the heart-breaking memories brought back by her appearance. I hadn’t thought of her face in a long time.

  “Why are you so late? I’ve been here for a couple of hours,” she complained mildly, taking a jacket out from the plastic bag. I quickly put it on.

  She scrutinized me for a few seconds. I saw tenderness and worry in her eyes. Exhausted and thin from all the rushing about, I knew I didn’t look good for someone who had left home determined to pursue her dreams. She pursed her lips as if she was going to say something important, but only said, “I have to leave now.” She turned around.

  “Meimei!” I called to her. She paused and turned back to me.

  “Do you have any money with you?” I asked her after a short hesitation.

  She searched her pocket and took out ninety yuan. “This is all I got.”

  I took the money. Then I stood in the crowd watching her figure getting smaller and smaller and eventually disappearing. Family would always be there for you, I realized, no matter how much you wanted to distance yourself from them. Spring would never expect me to pay back the money. I felt ashamed that I had had to ask her for help.

  On the train to Hangzhou, I had schemed to bring Spring to the Amway seminar, but now, standing on the street with phoenix tree leaves strewn about, I doubted if she belonged to any of my worlds. I knew little about my only sister. She must have had a complicated inner world just like I did, but she never let anyone in. We were like two trains running on parallel tracks: watching each other, yet never getting closer. What we shared—our childhoods, our parents—were the very things that created the distance between us.

  I quickly shook away my sad feelings and rushed to the Amway seminar. I had much more important things to worry about: I had two friends waiting for me to change their miserable and boring teaching lives.

  Wu and Fish were just as responsive to Amway’s message as I had been—after two days at the conference, they joined right away. Thus I became a superior of two subordinates. They went back to their teaching jobs and promised to carry out Amway business in their small towns.

  How happy and proud Brother Yong would be when he heard my news. Despite my disheveled hair and dirty face, I was bubbling with joy on the train back to Guangzhou. What I was wearing, whether my face was clean, and when I had last eaten were the farthest things from my mind. I was occupied with one mission—to spread Amway to every corner of the world.

  I surveyed the packed train car. My eyes scanned each person’s face—they were all my potential subordinates. Amway was a business you could do anywhere and at any time. Yes, I was a cheetah, and anyone in the car could be my next meal.

  I took the Amway showering gel out of the Amway bag, which never left my shoulder. I put the gel on the small table in front of the benches, and then, under everyone’s inquisitive gaze, I took out a bottle of Lux with the name covered with a sticker because of the anti-competition policy that Amway preached.

  I cleared my throat and spoke loudly to the people around me. “Folks, have you all heard of Amway products?” Once I had their attention I started to talk about the gel in my hand. Different passengers had different responses to my speech. Some leaned forward and listened carefully; some sat there indifferently; and some even closed their eyes. I knew people were wary of scams, but I told myself that I shouldn’t feel guilty because I wasn’t spreading a scam—I was introducing a career.

  “Friends, do you know that a very good way to tell whether a showering gel is good is to see if the mixture is pure?” I poured a drop of Lux into a clean tube, added some water, and then shook the tube wildly. Immediately the water in the tube became cloudy with drops of white secretion floating around. Then I did the same thing with the Amway gel.

  I placed the two tubes side by side in front of everybody and said proudly, “Folks, do you see how crystal-clean the Amway solution in this tube is? And do you see the white drops bobbing in the other tube, which I cannot tell you the brand name of, but I am sure everyone has seen enough of their commercials. Can you imagine putting these on your body every day? You can easily see that the Amway gel is much better.”

  “I don’t believe you. If Amway products are so good, why aren’t they selling in stores?” a sturdy man sitting across the aisle asked.

  “Well, Amway is smart. It costs a lot of money to set up stores and hire staff, so Amway does a pyramid sales system. Instead of giving the money to second-hand wholesalers, Amway decided to skip them and sell directly to consumers. What’s even better is that ordinary people, people like you and me, can become successful by selling Amway products and also introducing Amway to people we know—or even to strangers. Everyone needs showering gel. Everyone needs shampoo and detergent, right?” I flourished the Amway brochures, putting the techniques Amway had taught me to good use. “Take a look at the brochures. Go ahead and take a look. Believe me. I used to be a middle school teacher. I am not a swindler.”

  While I was busy explaining, a man suddenly threw the brochure in his hand down on the table and said with a contemptuous sneer, “Save your breath! These are fraudulent practices. The government should forbid them all.”

  I looked at him and wanted to scream: Why don’t you believe me? I’m doing a good thing! I’m helping you!

  I returned to Long Jiang on Friday afternoon. It was a windy and dusty day. I went back to the eighth floor of LongJiang headquarters and sat at my desk. I looked around the stillmagnificent office and felt as if I had been away for a lifetime. I prayed that Chen had been enjoying her solo reign over the eighth floor so much that she hadn’t drawn undue attention to my absence.

  Director Yip appeared behind the glass door. I stood up and held my breath.

  “Where the hell have you been?” He glowered and continued into his office.

  I thanked God that that was all he had said. For Director Yip, it was a mild response. I shot a look at Chen, who was pouring water into a teacup with her back to me. She must have kept Director Yip happy. He had rarely been so eas
y on me before.

  That night, I went to Huang’s room. He was sitting on the bed watching TV. At the sight of me, he shook his head and scolded me mildly: “Ah-Juan, where have you been?”

  I sat next to him and put my arms around him. His image rarely entered my mind when I was in my frenetic Amway world. I still loved him, but we weren’t close any more. I had emerged from under his wing and taken on my own mission.

  I continued to work at LongJiang as one of Director Yip’s secretaries. I realized it was best to keep my job while doing Amway business. After all, I hadn’t made any money from Amway yet. But one month later, Assistant Director Li called me in for a serious talk.

  “I heard you’re selling Amway products around the town. Do you know how bad this sounds? The secretary of Director Yip of the LongJiang Group, the biggest boss in town, is selling shampoo and detergent to people on the street?” The scholarlike Assistant Director Li spoke softly but sternly.

  “I want to make some money,” I mumbled, feeling a little scared and embarrassed.

  “I know LongJiang is not paying you a lot right now, but you need to think about the consequences of your own action, and always have Director Yip’s reputation in mind,” he cautioned. “Ah-Juan, you need to think about your future. LongJiang is a big company, and you’re so close to Director Yip that maybe some day he’ll promote you. You’ll have a much better future here than with Amway.”

  I nodded but inwardly rolled my eyes. I didn’t really look forward to a promotion at LongJiang, where I had to tiptoe around to avoid being yelled at by my boss.

  One week later, Director Yip stuck his head out of his office and yelled to Chen and me, “What the hell is going on with the floor? Why is it so dirty?”

  Chen and I exchanged looks, and then, to my surprise, she pointed her finger at me and said, “I don’t know. It’s her day to clean the floor.”