Any Way You Fight It

by Monique McDonell

  "Not an attractive man."

  "I don't think he was attractive even at twenty, now in his mid-seventies, definitely not." He laughed. "But the things that man can access would blow your mind."

  "How do you know him?"

  "I worked as a doorman at the hotel during college."

  "Did you? I didn't know that."

  "It was after you. I had trouble sleeping, so I took the night shift. It paid well and I met some interesting people."

  "Why couldn't you sleep?"

  "I missed you," he said. There was something breathtaking about that honesty. He was so close I could have leaned in and kissed him without any difficulty, or he could have kissed me. Instead we both stood there, eyes locked, probably thinking the same thing. Should I, shouldn't I? Will he, will she?

  Then the bells chimed to tell us intermission was almost over and we had to return to our seats. The moment was broken. And yet the zing was there. He put his hand in the small of my back to guide me back to my seat and the warmth spread through me. As the show went on, I was even more aware of his proximity than I had been in the first half.

  Would it be wrong to end this perfect day with some really good sex, or maybe just some making out? Probably not. But then what? What would happen after that?

  #

  It was cold when we came out of the theater. Luke slung his arm around my shoulder. We'd gathered our stuff from the coat check, including my shopping bags.

  "You want to get a drink or head back?"

  I kind of didn't know what would happen when we got back. The sexual energy between us was humming.

  "Drink."

  "Great, there's a place I like down this way." We walked the two blocks making chitchat about the show. To anyone who saw us, we would have looked like a couple. Him carrying my shopping, arm around my shoulder. I saw our reflection in a window, and we looked like a cute couple actually, but then that had never been the issue. Attraction wasn't a problem.

  The bar was dark and crowded. He snagged us a table in a dark corner. I ordered a Pinot noir and he had a beer.

  "It's been such a great day, Luke. I'm so glad you talked me into coming."

  He sat across from me grinning. "Me, too. It's been fun. Doesn't matter where you live, it is easy to forget to enjoy it. Sometimes it's nice to see a town through someone else's eyes."

  "That's true."

  He looked a little sad. "It has also reminded me I spend too much time alone these days. It's been really nice to have company, to have your company."

  I squeezed his hand and the zing hit again. "Same. Thanks."

  "Can I ask you something?"

  "Shoot."

  "Do you really think this can't be something more than friends, Cherie? It feels to me like it could be, actually like it should be . . ."

  The waiter came and gave me a moment to collect my thoughts. He was right. We were more than friends, but I just wasn't sure.

  "I don't know. I know it's still there between us, or something is there, but . . ."

  "But what? Please talk to me."

  "I'm not sure how to explain it."

  "Well, when you can . . ."

  "Can I ask you something?" He nodded his ascent. "What happened with Marigold?"

  He let out a sigh. "I don't like talking about that."

  "I bet, but the thing is I need to know."

  "What happened to her was not my fault. If you're worried dating me would tip you over the edge . . ."

  "No, I just, you must have loved her . . ."

  He looked at me and there was something on his face. A look I couldn't explain.

  "Why must I have?"

  "You were engaged."

  "Yes, but that doesn't mean I loved her."

  "So you didn't?"

  He sighed. "This is so complicated. I don't even know anymore what happened or how."

  "It can't be that complicated," I said. I was frustrated. He stonewalled me on this every time. How could I have a relationship with a man who wouldn't talk about a late fiancée? How did I know if he was over her or if he'd be lying in bed with me wishing it was her? If we couldn't be honest with each other, as lovely as he was, then how could we move forward? I patted his hand. "Well, you know what. I don't think either of us is ready for a new relationship."

  He shook his head. "I think you're wrong. You're scared."

  "And you're evasive."

  He looked at me. "You think that?"

  "Yeah, honestly, I kind of do."

  It didn't look like our perfect day was going to have such a perfect ending after all.

  #

  We walked back to the apartment from the cab, and it was different from before. Luke wasn't wrapped around me and the volume on the sexual hum had been turned down too low. It wasn't frosty, but it wasn't like before. It had been a long day.

  It was only then I realized it was Sunday night. For all the world it felt like a Saturday night to me.

  "Hey, are you working tomorrow?" I asked as he slid the key in the lock. "I didn't even ask."

  "I wasn't planning on it," he said. "But maybe you'd rather wander on your own."

  We were inside now, and as he flicked on the hallway light I reached for his hand. "Of course not."

  "I don't know, one minute everything seems rosy between us and then . . ."

  "Well, the truth is we're two people who don't know each other very well."

  "That's not true." He sighed. "I know all the important things about you. And I'm more than willing to get to know the rest."

  "You don't . . .”

  "Here's what I know. You love your family and friends with loyalty and passion. You love your job but you're wondering if that is all there is. You're fiercely independent, or you want to prove that you can take care of yourself and anyone else who needs you. Your favorite color is pink. Favorite drink, martini. You'd secretly rather wear yoga pants and T-shirts than heels and miniskirts. You're adaptable. You're generous. You're terrified of being vulnerable because it scares you. You scrunch up your nose when you think hard. How am I doing?"

  I was dumbfounded. "Luke."

  "Yeah, I know that you're the best kisser I've ever met, that I feel better when you're with me, and that you make me want to do and see things in a different way."

  "You remember how I kiss?"

  He laughed. "That's your take-away, Cherie?"

  I stepped close so that we were chest to chest. "No, I heard the other stuff, too."

  "And?"

  "And I'd say you've been paying attention."

  He put a hand on each hip and pulled me to him. "I have."

  "You know what I think?"

  He leaned in and whispered in my ear, "Tell me."

  "I think part of me thinks I'm still a kid and those rules apply, but we're grown-ups, right? We can do this our way."

  "What does that mean?"

  "It means we can try it, on the down low yet again, and you know, have some fun and then, well . . . then we see."

  "Are you saying what I think you're saying?"

  "I'm saying you better kiss me again to see how accurate your memory is."

  Chapter 16

  Kissing Luke was better than I remembered and I had remembered it as being pretty spectacular. When his lips met mine, his hard body pressed up against my curves, and his hands pulled my hips toward his, it was electric. I know that's a cliché but sometimes clichés are there for a reason. I felt something shoot through me. It didn't feel like just a physical act it felt like more than that.

  I slipped my hands around his neck and wriggled as close to him as I could get, considering we both had coats and sweaters on.

  Our lips parted, our tongues met, and it felt right. It had always felt right with Luke.

  He pulled back. "Too many clothes."

  He peeled off my coat before his own. It was fast: one minute we were layered up, and then we weren't. My sweater went over my head.

  "So perfect," he said before claimin
g my mouth with his again. I slid my hands to his waist and pulled out his shirt. I didn't want to remove my mouth from his but that was the only way to get his top half naked. We were still in the hallway. We'd waited ten years and now we couldn't wait two minutes to cross his apartment.

  I lifted the sweater and shirt over his head. His hands found my ass and he lifted me up. I wrapped my legs around him, and he carried me to the bedroom, kissing me all the way.

  He deposited me on the bed and stood back, a lecherous grin spreading across his face. "I could just stand here all night and watch you lying in my bed half naked."

  "That would be cruel," I said, pouting.

  "No, cruel was having you in the spare room last night, only a few feet away and my not being able to touch you. That was cruel."

  "You can touch me now," I said.

  He came down on top of me, his mouth was hungry, and he turned me so we were face to face. With one hand he traced a line from my collar bone down a bra strap and along the top seam of my bra. I shivered. Part of me wanted to hurry him up so he would touch me and the other half wanted us to go slow and make this moment last. My declaration that we'd have an uncomplicated relationship only a few moments ago seemed insane even now. How could I let Luke go again and not break? I couldn't, it was a ridiculous notion.

  He began kissing his way down to the clasp of my bra, which was a front opener.

  He looked up at me. “Stay with me, honey, you're drifting away."

  "I'm not . . ." More lies.

  He didn't say anything else, just unhooked my bra and took my nipple in his mouth. Oh yeah, this guy was going to be the end of me, but what a way to go. At least I'd die happy.

  #

  As I lay next to Luke, I remembered that this had been a dream of mine when we were dating back as teenagers. I had wanted to spend the night with him. I wanted to watch him breathe, the rise and fall of his chest. I wanted to wake up next to him and see that smile, and here I was. Granted, a lot of time had passed and an awful lot had changed.

  I wasn't expecting a happily ever after with Luke now, but I was very happy to have a happy right now. At least for right now.

  Outside, New York was waking up. I know people call it the city that never sleeps but it made different noises from five in the morning to midnight. Light peeped in through a crack in the curtains. Luke's breathing had changed, too. His body was wrapped around mine, spooning me. I didn't want to move a muscle and ruin a perfect moment.

  Then I felt him shift behind me. A soft kiss fell on the back of my neck. His arms pulled me closer. This was definitely not the worst way to wake up.

  "Hey," I whispered.

  "Good morning." His voice sounded sleepy but sexy as hell. “You should be sleeping."

  "Couldn't. Just enjoying the moment."

  He wriggled against my back. "I could help you enjoy it even more."

  "Really? I don't know what you mean."

  "Of course not," he teased. "I must say this is already pretty perfect right now."

  "That's kind of what I was thinking." I rolled over to face him. "We never got to do this part last time around. The waking up together."

  He smiled at me. "We did not. I'm glad we can now."

  "See, I told you it was better to be a grown-up."

  He leaned in for a slow, sexy kiss. "You did. And, in this case, you are one hundred percent right."

  "Not just in this case, dude, I'm always right."

  "We've reached the whatever you say dear phase pretty fast." He laughed.

  "Not really, it's taken years and years."

  "Too true, better make up for lost time." And he did by making slow, languorous love to me.

  Later, Luke went to make us coffee and I checked my phone. I was propped up on a mountain of cushions with the sheet pulled up.

  There was a text from Lucy. One word.

  So?

  I replied, I don't kiss and tell.

  So you did kiss then?

  I can't say.

  You're a tease.

  I will say Luke is even better than I remembered.

  Damn, I knew it! Well have fun . . . and I want details when you get home.

  Luke returned fully naked but for two cups of coffee. Damn he was gorgeous.

  "Do you always walk around naked?"

  "Pretty much. Don't you?" I gave my head a vigorous shake. "You should, you're so beautiful."

  "Thank you, but where I live that would not be a good idea."

  "Maybe not, but that seems a shame. When I grew up in Africa, people were naked a lot. I kind of got used to it."

  "I can see that; you look very comfortable."

  "Maybe we could have naked Monday."

  "Naked Monday?"

  "Yeah, we could spend the day together, naked."

  "That's going to be awkward when I go to catch the train," I said, peering at him over my cup of coffee.

  "I kind of meant until then, then again, there are probably sights you want to see while you're here."

  Luke was a sight for sore eyes and definitely the only thing I needed to see for the duration of my stay in New York. I shook my head. "Naked Monday sounds good to me."

  #

  I sat on the train heading home. Letting go of Luke at the station had been so hard. I felt ridiculous. We'd only been together for twenty-four hours. I'd lived all those years without him and yet now just that small taste told me I didn't want to let him go.

  We had indeed passed a wonderful day together naked in his apartment. Apart from test driving that wonderful double-headed shower when it was time to go, we hadn't left the cocoon of his bedroom. We were in New York but we could have been anywhere. I was with Luke and that was all that mattered.

  Now I was alone on a fairly quiet train. There was no shoulder to fall asleep on this time. I was tired, that was for sure. We had napped on and off all day, but the truth was I hadn't wanted to miss a moment.

  Sitting here now, watching New Jersey turn into Connecticut, there were so many unanswered questions. I didn't know much more about Luke than I had three days ago. Yes, I had seen his home, but I hadn't met a soul he knew and he still hadn't opened up at all really about his family or his dead fiancée.

  I hadn't wanted to burst our bubble by talking about all that heavy stuff today. Just like I hadn't asked when I would see him again or what was happening now.

  He had assured me that he was going to work it out. "I'll be up to Boston within a week."

  But did that mean tomorrow for a night or Friday for the weekend? I couldn't repeat this week's trip because I had my cousin's baby shower next Sunday. He might be a free agent, but I had a business and family obligations that I couldn't just cast aside for an affair, even if I wanted to. I didn't want to be that girl. And yet every cell in my body was already craving more Luke.

  It was exactly like it had been back in the day. Those memories came flooding back so clearly now. Lying in bed knowing he was across the road and I couldn't talk to him or see him for another twelve hours, which felt more like twelve years.

  Waiting till he showed up to buy a donut and coffee so we could see each other. Sneaking down to his grandparents' basement so I could touch him and kiss him. Memories that I would never shake.

  I felt like that girl again. Powerless and wanting. I didn't love it.

  Except I wasn't that girl, was I? I was a smart, successful thirty-year-old woman who had to get up tomorrow and run a business.

  I miss you, Luke texted me.

  At least it was mutual. But then it was mutual last time and look what happened.

  Were either of us really any different? I still wanted to keep this to myself and not share it with the world. He was still not here with me, still not talking to me enough. I let out a sigh that had the guy across the aisle staring.

  I miss you, too.

  Chapter 17

  It was grill Cherie night at O'Shaunnessy's. It was better than going home and being interrogated by my family b
ut only just.

  The usual suspects were there: Aaron and Piper, Lucy and Chase, and me of course, wishing they would mind their own business.

  "For the record, I just want to state that I completely am in awe of your ability to have kept this a secret all those years ago," Aaron said. "You could be a spy with those skills."

  "Well, thanks, I think."

  "But I don't get why you didn't tell us when Luke showed up," said Piper.

  "I guess it was a private thing and I didn't want it to be weird. Talking about it made it real and you were working with him, and I guess I was so used to keeping it a secret it seemed easier. Especially as you kept shoving us together."

  "Well, that worked out well now, didn't it?" Lucy said.

  "Did it? Nothing's worked out. I just went as his friend and spent a weekend with him in New York."

  "Yeah right, friends," Chase scoffed. "I bet it's more than that."

  "I have no idea what it is." That, at least, was the truth.

  "You'll work it out," Lucy said, patting my hand. "I know it."

  I was glad she knew it because I sure didn't. "I'm not sure about that."

  "Of course you'll work it out," Piper added.

  "I'm not sure it is meant to work out between us."

  "Don't you believe in second chances?" asked Aaron.

  Honestly, I didn't know what I believed in. "I believe in Santa Claus, that a strong martini is the perfect end to a day, and that women look better in high heels, beyond that, everything is wide open."

  "You're a nutter," Chase said.

  "Maybe so." I was nuts for starting this up with Luke when we lived in different cities and he was probably still in love with his dead fiancée.

  The grilling from my friends was nothing compared to Nona's interrogation the next morning over coffee.

  "Where is Luke?"

  "New York, Nona, where he lives."

  "But you're here," she said.

  "Thanks for letting me know, I was so confused."

  "Don't smart-mouth me, Cherie." She gave me her scary death stare. "Why aren't you together?"

  "Because we both have jobs and lives and because not everyone gets a happily ever after, Nona."