Melt

by Selene Castrovilla

  can’t.

  I said, Slow

  down

  okay? I said, Let me show you the place

  and

  then

  we can hang out

  upstairs.

  I

  watched

  her walk through the living room

  the dining room

  into

  the

  kitchen.

  Part of me it thought, Maybe she’ll

  guess. Maybe she’ll

  sense

  the truth

  now that

  she’s

  here.

  I couldn’t pinpoint if I wanted that to happen or not.

  The good news is the

  inside of my house

  passes

  just like the front

  apparently

  ‘cause she passed through every spot where Mom gets

  beaten

  like nothing.

  Even in the

  kitchen

  she couldn’t tell she stood right by the stove she stood right where Mom

  stirs

  those potatoes and

  eats

  lead

  and she

  didn’t

  feel

  nothing.

  She didn’t get

  jumped

  by that feeling of doom it grabs me it sinks in my chest it wraps

  round

  my

  heart and twists

  twists

  twists

  when I

  step

  on that linoleum she didn’t breathe in that fear

  the whole kitchen

  reeks

  of

  it’s built up like grease on the walls she didn’t hear

  my

  mom’s

  cries

  they vibrate through my bones

  even though she stopped crying so goddamn long ago.

  I don’t know if I’m

  thankful or

  betrayed but

  this time

  she didn’t

  feel

  my

  pain.

  She said it’s so

  nice she said it’s so

  homey.

  She said

  my house it’s so neat

  and practically

  immaculate.

  She was

  surprised she’d thought maybe there’d be clutter

  chaos

  a heaping mess

  maybe that’s why I didn’t want her there.

  You could say that,

  I

  thought.

  You could definitely say that.

  She said she’d had visions of

  filth she

  laughed she

  said

  the way I acted trying to

  keep

  her

  away

  she was expecting

  maybe even

  pestilence.

  Yeah.

  That’s it exactly,

  I wanted

  to tell her.

  I wanted to

  shake

  her I wanted to

  scream, We’re

  surrounded by filth and

  pestilence don’t you

  see it?

  Poor Doll she thinks my house is clean but it couldn’t be any dirtier.

  It’s

  stained

  there’s streaks everywhere they don’t never come out no matter

  how much

  you

  scrub.

  After that

  after we left the kitchen

  I felt off I felt

  woozy maybe even dazed a little

  like when a bird

  smacks

  into glass

  and then lies there all stunned

  it was kind of like that.

  I staggered away

  at least in my head

  I guess I seemed like my regular self ‘cause Doll she

  didn’t

  notice.

  We headed

  up

  to my room. When we got to the top of the stairs I

  hurried her

  past that

  closet.

  If we lingered

  there if I got caught in that

  trap

  then I might’ve spilled it all out

  I might’ve messed up everything

  the mood

  our plans

  her

  I would’ve spoiled them all

  by telling her

  the truth by dragging her into the

  dark

  with me.

  Once I got her through my

  door

  it was okay I felt

  okay

  again I let out my

  breath

  I didn’t know I was holding it in.

  I felt all the

  good

  stuff she makes me

  feel I felt all the good flowing from her

  into

  me.

  And all that other

  stuff that

  bad

  stuff

  it just lifted up up up off of me.

  She was kissing

  kissing

  kissing me she was touching me I could breathe again and it was okay.

  Dorothy

  His room’s the color of midnight.

  Some would call it black but they’d be wrong.

  It’s darkest blue, it’s got the slightest dab of white in it, barely noticeable but undeniably there.

  I wonder if that tinge of white mixed in midnight is dawn. I wonder if dawn’s there always, inside the night. I wonder if dawn’s tucked somewhere in midnight’s folds, safely stowed until its time to shine.

  He holds me close, and I can feel the warmth. I feel the light inside him, spirited and hopeful.

  Waiting.

  Waiting for its time.

  His room’s the color of him.

  We’re cuddling on top of his comforter, which is black. His bed’s centered against the back wall, facing the door. Other than his night stand next to us, his dresser to our left and his bike parked to our right, his room’s pretty stark. Even the floor’s bare wood.

  The few personal items in sight are from me. His boxing gloves and wraps are on top of his dresser—he actually wears the wraps most days, if we’re not going to get completely physical. My birthday card is on his night stand, along with The Catcher in the Rye, which he’s almost done reading even though he says he can’t stand Holden Caulfield. He does have posters on the walls: Ozzy right behind us, eyes crazed and mouth baying; AC/DC, Nirvana, and other bands scattered around the room; and on the ceiling above the bed there’s some model in a bra and panties. He apologized for that, but I couldn’t care less except that it’s sad for her to have to put herself out there like that, with her body twisted into a seductive pose which is ridiculously unnatural.

  “Kind of a let-down, isn’t it?” he asks, breaking into the quiet. We haven’t been able to share complete silence for over a week. It’s a great thing to be so comfortable with someone that you don’t need to fill up every moment with words.

  “What is?” I know he doesn’t mean the sex.

  He strokes my arm. “My room.”

  “Why would you say that?”

  He sighs. “It’s just … it’s just, nothing really.” His fingers smooth, smooth over my skin slowly. “It’s pretty empty.”

  “Well, it may not have many furnishings,” I say, “but any room with you in it is far from empty.”

  He smiles, kisses me.

  A few licks later I add, “And, it’s our first time in an actual bed.”

  “That it is.” The mattress frame squeaks as he pulls me on top of him, and that’s the end of conversation.

  Joey

  We’re climbing

  climbing />
  heading up that

  mountain

  when suddenly

  she

  jerks

  her body

  jerks

  back

  she screams in horror now in

  pain

  her body jerks back

  and she’s

  off me she’s

  gone and I see

  him

  he’s got her by the

  hair he

  yanked her right

  off

  me by her hair it’s

  Pop

  holy fucking god it’s

  Pop.

  Dorothy

  god

  oh my god what’s

  happening who is this

  man?

  he’s a cop he’s got a blue uniform a badge

  he’s

  got

  a

  gun

  oh

  god he’s gonna kill us

  Joey

  She’s hysterical she don’t know what’s happening to her I wanna help her save her but I’m frozen I’m fucking useless staring at his gun in its holster. Could I grab it before him? I don’t even try I’m such a piece of crap wimp.

  Don’t hurt her

  Pop

  please let her go, I beg him but I know I

  know

  he don’t give a rat’s ass how much I beg matter of fact he probably feeds off of it.

  Who’s this little cunt? he booms.

  Pop

  Please …, I say. I wanna jump up jump

  him

  but no I just stay there

  stuck.

  And no condom

  either

  you stupid shit, he yells.

  I say, I’ll do anything you want

  Pop

  you can do whatever you want to me beat me whip me you can rip my goddamn head off just

  please

  let her go.

  Pop

  laughs. How

  sweet, he says.

  He says, All worried about your

  girlfriend?

  Should’ve warned her what could happen when you brought her

  home.

  Dorothy

  He called him

  Pop

  Joey called him

  Pop

  oh my god it’s his

  dad

  this monster is his

  dad.

  Joey

  He looks

  down

  at her she’s

  quivering

  kneeling naked on the cold floor his hand’s gripped round a

  clump

  of her hair she’s crying

  quiet

  now I could kill him.

  How old are you, he asks her but of course she don’t answer her eyes are shut and puffy and those tears they’re still pouring

  pouring

  her face it’s like a waterfall. He yanks on her hair she just

  whimpers it’s like she don’t have the

  strength

  to scream anymore.

  Sixteen she’s sixteen leave her alone

  Pop

  please, I beg him. I don’t think he’ll do nothing crazy to her he’ll get caught

  she’ll tell she ain’t Mom but then

  who

  knows

  what’s in his mind.

  Statutory rape, he tells me.

  He says, I could bring you in.

  I say, Fine do it cuff me just let her get dressed let her

  walk

  away.

  Relax I ain’t gonna hurt her, he says.

  He says, I’m just gonna teach her a lesson while I’m

  taking

  care

  of

  you.

  Dorothy

  He’s gonna

  hurt

  him.

  Joey, I

  cry

  out I reach for him but his dad

  pulls my hair

  again he tells me to

  shut

  the

  fuck

  up.

  It’s

  okay Dorothy, Joey says his voice is

  soothing he’s trying to make me feel

  better he called me Dorothy not

  Doll

  how can he be

  calm when his dad’s gonna

  hurt

  him?

  Oh god he’s gonna hurt him.

  Joey

  I call her Dorothy not

  Doll

  ‘cause I don’t wanna make Pop think of them

  dolls

  and how she

  looks

  like

  them.

  I tell her it’s

  okay I don’t know what else to do.

  Pop tells her to

  get up

  I say let her put a shirt on for chrissakes

  he tells me to toss it to her. I throw her

  mine it’s longer covers her

  more. He lets go long enough for her to

  poke her head and arms through the

  holes tears and snot’s smeared all over her face she’s still

  beautiful

  though

  then he grabs her arm he says, Let’s

  go.

  Where’re you taking her, I ask I start to climb off the bed to follow but Pop says, Wait

  here.

  He says, She’s going in the

  closet.

  No Pop no please not the closet, I beg she’ll be so

  scared in there it’s

  so

  dark.

  But he’s taking her he don’t give a fuck there’s

  nothing

  I can do so I tell her, Close your eyes Dorothy

  close

  your

  eyes and make a

  game in your

  head.

  I tell her, Don’t worry ‘bout me I’ll be fine just

  close your eyes

  play a game it’ll be

  okay.

  Dorothy

  He

  shoves me

  in

  I

  fall against plastic covered clothes they

  swoosh he says keep

  quiet or it’ll be worse on my

  boyfriend does he even

  think of him as his

  son

  god he’s gonna hurt him.

  The door

  slams

  shut the key

  clicks it’s so

  dark so

  tight in here and Joey’s

  out

  there

  with a

  madman.

  What if he

  snaps and kills him what if he

  kills

  us

  both?

  A scream wells in my

  throat but I

  choke

  it

  back feels like I’m suffocating on

  phlegm and the smell of

  mothballs. I

  sink

  I curl on the

  floor I

  stretch Joey’s shirt over my

  knees slide my arms

  inside the sleeves I

  cocoon

  myself.

  I clamp my eyes squeeze

  them squeeze

  them Joey said

  keep

  them

  shut Joey said play a game so

  I

  do.

  I think of a

  jump

  rope I’m in the middle of a

  jump

  rope it swings itself round round

  round it

  slaps

  the ground it

  whips

  around I

  jump

  jump jump oh god I’m so

  scared I

  force myself I jump I

  jump

  I
<
br />   jump.

  Joey

  He comes back in just as I get my jeans buttoned he’s got that

  steel

  look he always has for

  Mom.

  He hates me he hates us

  all and I don’t even know

  why.

  I wanna ask again for him to

  let

  her

  go but I don’t ‘cause I know it’s

  useless he thrives on this shit

  hurting

  us its like what two

  double

  AAs

  mean to the Energizer Bunny he can go on and

  on and

  on ….

  He takes out his gun I guess he means to

  scare me but he

  don’t I’m too far

  gone to care all I care ‘bout is

  her.

  Her white blouse it’s crumpled up next to my pillow I reach for it I

  touch

  it

  it’s something of her to hold onto.

  He smashes steel against my face feels like I’m torn

  open feels like my teeth are

  knocked clean out I check for them with my tongue they’re still all in

  place I’m bleeding but I don’t

  care.

  He presses the muzzle of his Glock against my neck it’s cold it’s

  chilling shivers run through me down my spine.

  He clicks the safety off. He ain’t gonna shoot

  me that much

  I know.

  He might beat the crap outta me but he ain’t gonna shoot wish I could tell that to the little

  raised

  hairs on the back of my neck he ain’t gonna

  shoot

  me and I ain’t gonna

  cry.

  Fuck him.

  Maybe that’s why Mom stopped crying. Maybe she’s giving him the big

  F you

  when she takes it all so calm. All this time I thought she was giving in but maybe she’s telling him to

  fuck off

  wouldn’t that be something.

  So I’m doing okay ‘til I think of Dorothy again all

  alone

  in that closet and then I gotta fight

  hard for the first time in I don’t know when I

  fight

  off

  the

  tears.

  He always said he didn’t wanna see no

  tears he always warned

  us not to

  cry but I think now maybe he was

  glad when we did it because it meant we were completely

  down

  pinned to the mat.

  He looks at me his eyes are

  solid blocks of ice motionless and

  frozen.

  He’s a cobra he’s coiled and ready he’s always

  ready to

  strike.

  He’s cold-

  blooded cold-

  hearted the more he pounds on me the

  calmer he gets the more his temperature

  drops.

  He don’t smell neither somehow he don’t

  sweat he don’t get

  worked

  up

  at all.

  He’s got those

  cold

  snake

  eyes

  their ice seeps into me it

  melts into my

  soul he strikes

  he strikes he

  strikes

  striking’s all he knows.

  Dorothy

  I jump

  jump