by S. M. Shade
It’s hard to hear her over the buzzing in my ears. Pregnant. I’m pregnant. “I can’t breathe. Julie, I can’t breathe. My chest hurts,” I whisper. I feel like I’m dying, maybe that would be for the best. I can’t tell Airen I’m pregnant. “Am I having a heart attack?” I pant, fighting for air.
“No, Abby. Listen to me. Listen to my voice. You’re okay. You can breathe. You’re just having a panic attack. Breathe with me, dear. Everything will be okay.”
My breathing slows, and I get control. “That’s never happened before.”
“You’re overwhelmed. It’s not the end of the world, although I know it feels that way now. This is your choice to make, and you need time to think about it. If you want to terminate, then the decision whether or not to tell Airen is yours. You need to take a little time to get past the shock so you don’t act impulsively.”
I take a deep breath. “What should I tell Airen now? He’s worried that I’m sick.”
“I’ll tell him it’s just a stomach bug and to give it a week to run its course. Unless you want to discuss it with him now, and let him make the decision with you.”
“I can’t,” I whisper. I’ll lose him, just like Jon. All I can see is the look on Jon’s face when I told him I was pregnant with Carson. The hate that glowed in his eyes. If Airen looks at me that way, I’ll die a thousand deaths.
“I don’t want to overstep, Abby, but Airen’s a good man. I don’t think you have to worry so much about his reaction.” She squeezes my hand.
“I need to get out of here. I’m going to take a walk.” I pull on a jacket. “I can’t face him right now. I need to be alone and figure out what the hell I’m going to do. Please, tell him I’m fine, and I went to the barn.”
“Sure, come and talk to me anytime you need to, dear.”
I thank her before darting out the door, away from the barn, and toward the lake. A baby. I’m too old to have another baby. I’m over thirty with a teenage son. What kind of world would I be bringing a child into? The future is so uncertain and so dangerous. I end up at our picnic spot, sitting at the head of Sara’s grave.
I seriously fucked up this time. It’s as if I’m determined to drive away the only person who has ever loved me. Burying my face in my arms, I sob until I’m exhausted. I have to tell him. It’s not right to leave him out of it. Oh God, how am I going to tell Airen? I hear the leaves crunching under his feet as he approaches, but I can’t look at him.
He sits beside me, and his fingers close around mine. “Your hands are freezing, sweetheart. It’s getting dark. We need to go home.”
“I can’t face anyone like this.”
“Okay.” His voice is soft as he helps me to my feet. “Let’s go to our summer home.” He holds my hand as we walk, but doesn’t question me. He starts the generator, turns on the electric heater in the trailer, and tucks a blanket around me on the sofa. Every thoughtful, caring gesture he’s making is tearing me apart. He’s trying to take care of me. He has no idea how badly I’m about to shatter our little world.
I’m terrified he’ll think I did it on purpose, just like Jon did. All because I’m too stupid to know that antibiotics affect birth control. He’s going to hate me. New tears form and roll down my face, but I don’t bother trying to hide them. It’s too late for that. He settles down next to me and draws me against him until my face is hidden in his shirt.
“Abby, you’re scaring me, darlin’. Please, tell me what’s going on.”
“Air, I’m so sorry. I swear I didn’t do this on purpose. Please believe me. Please don’t hate me.”
“I could never hate you,” he murmurs, kissing my head. “You didn’t do what, on purpose?”
“Get pregnant,” I confess.
His body stiffens, and he gasps aloud. I pull away from him. I’m sure he won’t want me so close now. He places his hand under my chin and raises my head until our eyes meet, and I can see him trying to digest the news. His eyes are wide and fearful, and his skin is pale, making his black hair stand out.
“Are you sure?”
“Julie gave me two tests. I’m so sorry,” I repeat. He doesn’t respond, but he pulls me into his lap and cradles me there. I lay my head against his chest while he runs his fingers through my hair. Even in his turmoil, he’s trying to comfort me. “It’s still really early. There’s a pill I can take to end it, but we have to decide soon.”
“Is that what you want to do?” he asks softly.
“I don’t know. What do you want?”
“To think about it.”
I nod. “I’m sorry. I fucked up big time, Airen.”
“Stop apologizing, you didn’t get this way on your own.”
“You trusted me with the birth control. I didn’t know antibiotics reduced their effectiveness.”
“Is that what happened? I didn’t know that either, Abby. You can’t take all the blame. We did this together.”
“Just don’t leave me. I don’t have to have another child. I’ve never even considered it, but I can’t lose you,” I sob, tightening my arms around him.
He cups my face in his hands and his dark, stormy eyes bore into mine. “I’m not him, Abigail,” he says sternly. “I’m not going anywhere. I love you. I’m going to marry you. If we decide to have this baby, then I’ll love it too. Do you understand me?”
I curl up against him and we sit in silence until he suggests we go to bed. “Do you want to stay here tonight?” I ask.
“Yes, I want us to be alone.”
“Joseph and the kids will worry.”
“I have the radio, and I’ll let them know. Go to bed, sweetheart, and I’ll be right there.”
I feel like a somnambulist, a zombie. I’m exhausted, and I can’t think about this anymore. It’s too much. Stripping down to my T-shirt and panties, I crawl into bed, listening to Airen talk to Joseph on the radio. My eyes are trying to slam shut while I pray to the nonexistent gods of pregnant women, please let him be here when I wake up.
* * * *
A beam of sunlight falls across my face and rouses me from a dream I can’t recall. The events of the day before flood my mind, and I take a deep breath. My time to panic and freak out is over. It’s time to think rationally, be responsible, and make a decision. If I opt to terminate, no one but Airen and Julie will ever know.
Airen is sleeping peacefully with a slight smile on his face. What is he dreaming about? How does he really feel about this pregnancy? I’d give anything for a peek into his thoughts right now. Is he secretly angry? Worried? Happy? He doesn’t have a biological child. Could he be wishing for a son or daughter with his blood?
Oh, how beautiful Airen’s child would be! Surely, his DNA would overcome my flawed contribution. I fantasize about a mini version of him with a tumble of dark hair, and those serious black eyes. If it’s a boy. I admitted to Airen I saw a therapist when I was pregnant with Carson, but I didn’t exactly tell him why. My biggest fear was having a girl and inflicting my unsightly appearance on an innocent baby, staining her with my features and dooming her to a life of loneliness. If I had a girl with Airen could his beauty overpower my genes and give her a chance?
I climb out of bed slowly, careful not to wake him. It’s early, and I’m sure he could use a few more hours of sleep. Plus, I need to think and try to figure out what I want. Right now, I want a bath. I’m quiet as I heat water and pour it into the tub. Lying back in the too hot water, I relax a little as I run through reasons for and against bringing the pregnancy to term.
I could have complications with the birth. Carson was born by c-section. Could Julie handle that? The baby could have medical needs we can’t meet, and of course I could have a girl cursed with my face. On the other hand, everything could go smoothly. The baby could be healthy, and I could give Airen something no one else has ever given him, a life beyond his own. What I would give to know what he really wants.
I’m deep in thought when he enters the bathroom, his eyes puffy, and his face slightly pin
k from sleep. He’s dressed only in his underwear, and apparently I’m not too upset to be distracted by his physique. He catches my look and smirks.
“How are you?”
“Fine,” I reply.
“Want some company?”
I smile, and he strips and settles down behind me. My back rests against his chest, and he brings his hands around to caress my stomach, stroking gently. My eyes close as I absorb the sensation. Jon never touched me after he found out I was pregnant. Every woman should feel her love’s hand on her pregnant belly. “Tell me what you’re thinking, Airen, please.”
“I’m afraid I’ll say the wrong thing, and I don’t want to upset you or influence your decision. I want you to be happy. That’s what I’m thinking.”
“It’s our decision. If you know you don’t want a child, or if you think you do, I just want to know which direction you’re leaning. If you need more time to consider it, I understand.”
“I’m worried about you giving birth without a hospital. That’s the only thing that makes an abortion a consideration in my mind.”
“Are you pro-life? Do you believe it’s wrong?”
“No, only if the woman does it without letting the father voice his opinion. I understand it’s the woman’s body, but...” He trails off for a moment. “Whatever we decide, thank you for telling me instead of ending the pregnancy on your own.”
“I could never do that. Did you want kids before?”
“Yes, I wanted kids,” he replies, as his hands rub my shoulders.
“I’m sure there was an endless line of women willing to have your beautiful babies,” I tease. When he shakes his head solemnly, I sense I’ve hurt him somehow. “What is it?” I ask, turning to face him.
“First, tell me which way you’re leaning, Abby.”
I sigh. “I feel too old to do this again. I feel like I’ve trapped you, and I don’t want that. I’m scared I could be destroying what we have. There’s a myriad of things that could go wrong. It could be a disaster.” He bites his lip and nods as I continue. “Despite all those rational reasons for the contrary, I...” I stumble. My lip trembles, and I have to swallow the lump in my throat. “I want the baby. I love you so much, and to have a baby with someone who loves me, to have your baby, is a dream come true.”
A beautiful smile spreads across his face as he slides his hand into my hair and tilts my head back, pressing his lips press against mine again and again until I start to giggle.
“You’ve made me so happy, sweetheart.” I start to sob. I can’t help it. I’m so relieved. “Hey! Don’t cry.” He holds me firmly against his chest.
“I was so scared to tell you.”
“Shh, I know. Come on darlin’, let’s get out.” He steps out of the tub and wraps a towel around his hips. Taking another towel, he begins to dry my back.
“I can...”
“Hush.” The soft towel travels down my back, across my behind, and down the backs of my legs. Moving around me, he slowly works his way up my calves, my thighs, all the way to my neck, before placing a light feathery kiss on my shoulder. I close my eyes and hum.
“Better?” he asks, his eyes sparkling. I nod and an impish grin crosses his face. “Watch out for those pregnancy hormones.”
“Are you accusing me of having mood swings already?” I giggle, giving him a playful slap.
“Never.”
“I promise not to drive you crazy.”
“I promise to take care of both of you,” he murmurs, kneeling to press his lips against my stomach.
I thread my fingers through his soft hair. “You’re going to be horribly overprotective, aren’t you?”
“Mmm Hmm. So you’ll just have to behave.”
“Behave?” Looking down, I raise my eyebrows at him.
“Take care of yourself. Eat, take vitamins, don’t lift anything heavy,” he lists, standing up.
“You’re suddenly an expert on prenatal care? Is there a long line of knocked up women I should know about?” I tease.
“Just one,” he murmurs. His demeanor changes in an instant. His downcast eyes darken, and his sculpted lips press together until they nearly disappear. I try not to appear as shocked as I feel.
“You had a child?” How could he have kept this from me?
“Not exactly. My ex-girlfriend, we dated for two years. I...um...loved her.” He glances at me apprehensively.
“Relax, I’m not jealous. Tell me about her.”
“Her name was Jade. I used to tease her that she had a stripper’s name.” He smiles, remembering. “My career was taking off, and things were going well for me. I had just been offered the part on Undercovers, and that meant I’d have to move to New York for at least six months out of the year.
“She was pissed. She didn’t want to move, and we had a fight. She didn’t want me working on a show where part of my job was making out with other actresses, but I told her that was part of being with an actor, and she had to get over it. I didn’t know she was pregnant. I would have done things differently. I wouldn’t have been so selfish,” he swears, looking ashamed.
“What happened?” Do I really want to hear this? Maybe not, but he needs to tell it. It obviously haunts him.
“I left and spent the night at a friend’s house. I thought we both needed to cool off, and we’d work it out. I loved her,” he repeats. “When I got home the next afternoon, she was gone. All of her stuff was gone. There were two things lying on the coffee table.” His lip trembles, and he stops to compose himself. I’d do anything to remove that tormented look from his face, to ease the pain that shines in those anguished eyes.
“She left me an ultrasound picture and paperwork from a clinic showing she’d had an abortion.”
Holy shit. “Oh Airen.” I embrace him tightly. “I’m so sorry.”
He swallows audibly and clears his throat. “I would’ve supported whatever she wanted to do. I would’ve stayed in Louisiana if she had told me.”
“She should’ve included you in that decision, Air. Throwing it in your face that way was cruel.” I could happily choke the bitch if she were in front of me now.
“Perhaps she was afraid. You were scared to tell me,” he points out.
“That had nothing to do with you. It was my own insecurity and fear at work because of the reaction I received the first time I got pregnant. I never considered keeping it from you.”
“I tried to call and apologize, but she changed her number and none of her friends would help me find her.”
“She should’ve been the one to apologize. She used a pregnancy against you and an abortion to get revenge. You didn’t do anything wrong. I’m so sorry she hurt you like that.”
He looks embarrassed when I wipe a tear out of the corner of his eye. “You’re going to have a son or daughter now, sweetheart, and if he or she has even a quarter of your kindness and capacity for love, the world will be a better place,” I swear, gazing into his eyes.
He blushes. I love his blush. It’s too adorable for words. “My sweet girl,” he mumbles and kisses me in that long, slow, soft way I love. He makes me feel so adored and cherished. “I love you,” he whispers, after our lips slowly part.
“Even when I get big and fat?”
He chuckles. “Your breasts are going to get huge.” He smiles lasciviously, and just like that, my sexy, confident Airen is back. We make love before returning home.
Julie and Joseph are filling the water tanks outside when we approach.
“We can tell Joseph if you want, but let’s wait until I’m further along to tell the kids,” I suggest.
“So, how long can we have sex?” Airen calls to Julie, grinning like a madman.
“That’s your first question?” Julie laughs out loud, shaking her head.
Airen shrugs, a wide smile plastered across his face. Joseph is confused, and I pull him aside. Airen nods at me, and I feel shy all of a sudden.
“Joseph, I’m going to have a baby,” I confess.
“I’m fine. I already have one overprotective man to tolerate.”
“The morning sickness will pass,” Julie promises. “Try to eat what you can, and I’ll get you the prenatal vitamins. Of course, no more alcohol,” she warns, smiling.
“Or pot,” Airen adds.
I feign surprise. “I can’t do drugs while I’m pregnant? So much for my meth lab plans.”
We caution them not to tell the kids before Airen drags me inside. “You need to eat,” he insists.
Julie and Airen return from town the next day with a portable ultrasound machine and prenatal vitamins. “Let’s see how far along you are,” Julie says, as she has me lie back on the bed. She throws a blanket to me. “Undress from the waist down.”
What? “I thought an ultrasound was done on my belly,” I remark, confused.
“Not this early, dear. We have to use a trans-vaginal wand.” She holds up the wand, and it’s not exactly small. “I need to insert this in your vagina, and it will show a clearer picture of the embryo. You can stay covered by the blanket.”
Oh, this isn’t humiliating at all. I pull the blanket over me from my waist down and remove my shorts and panties. Joseph discreetly moves to the head of the bed, where he can’t see, and offers to leave.
“It’s okay,” I whisper. Airen takes my hand and grins down at me. Julie adjusts the screen so we can all see and glances at me.
“Are you ready, dear?” I nod, reluctantly. She coats the wand in lubricant and eases it into me. “Let me know if I’m hurting you or making you uncomfortable.”
Does it get more uncomfortable than this? My face burns when Joseph smiles at me. It’s so embarrassing having him watch while she moves and repositions the wand inside of me. He can’t see, but he knows.
“Relax, darlin’,” Airen croons, smoothing my hair back from my forehead.
“Is everything normal?” I ask.
“Everything looks good. I’d say you are about six to seven weeks along. That puts your due date around the first of May.”
