You or No One

by Olivier Bosman

  I went upstairs. Eric was lying on the bed, his back towards the door.

  “Are you all right?” I asked. “What happened?”

  He didn’t reply.

  “What was that programme you were watching? What did they say about us?”

  “Watch it yourself,” he mumbled.

  “But I don’t speak Doggerlandish.”

  “Use a translation tool.”

  I did as he suggested. I went back to the study, flipped open his laptop, and watched the programme from the beginning, switching on the captions and copying and pasting the subtitles into a translation tool.

  A Doggerland tabloid had published a photograph of our embrace in the garden, and the comedians were speculating about whether this meant that Prince Eric was gay, or just unusually affectionate. One of the comedians maintained that he was gay, as he had always suspected there was something effeminate about Prince Eric. Cue the series of photoshopped images. Then they made a reference to the king and queen’s upcoming visit to Japan, and two images of the Japanese flag popped up on screen. There was a caption asking what the difference was between the two pictures. “One of them is the flag of Japan,” one of the comedians answered. “The other is a close-up of Prince Eric’s ass after he’s been buggered.”

  I was shocked by the crudeness of the jokes.

  I went back upstairs to talk to Eric, but he didn’t want to talk. He was still lying on the bed, his forearm covering his eyes.

  “Leave me alone,” he said.

  Eric hadn’t had the same experiences growing up as I had. He hadn’t been teased and bullied at school. Nobody outside his immediate family knew that he was gay, and his gayness didn’t show, so he’d never had the opportunity to grow a thick skin. But I think even I would struggle if I’d been publicly outed, ridiculed, and humiliated on national television the way he had. There was nothing I could say to make him feel better. I just lay next to him and squeezed my body against his.

  Button-eyes called later that afternoon. Eric didn’t want to speak to him, so I answered.

  “Hello, Mr Boersma.”

  “Who’s that?”

  “It’s Joel.”

  “Give me Eric.”

  “Eric doesn’t want to speak to you.”

  “Has he seen the programme?”

  “Petra sent him a link.”

  “I need Eric to get back to Doggerland ASAP.”

  “Why? What happened?”

  “What do you think happened? That programme has created a lot of fuss over here. We have a crisis on our hands.”

  “But why? It’s just a comedy show.”

  “That clip has found its way into the Japanese media. They have taken great offense to their flag being compared to a sodomised arse! The Japanese ambassador has told the prime minister to cancel the royal visit. Their majesties are furious!”

  “Oh my God!”

  “I told you to be discreet! I told you to keep the curtains closed!”

  “It’s not my fault.”

  “Look, just make sure that Eric is on the plane to Doggerland tomorrow. And you had better come along too.”

  “Why?”

  “Why do you think? That programme may well have jeopardised your chances of getting married. It seems clear to me that the world is not ready for a gay king.”

  CHAPTER TEN

  I Don’t Have to Justify Myself to You

  “The first thing we must do is find out who took that picture of you in the garden.” Button-eyes was pacing up and down his office, one hand in his trouser pocket, the other on his forehead. “Did you tell your father about the cottage?”

  That question was addressed at me, but I wasn’t paying attention. I was still in a daze. I wasn’t used to having to drop everything and hop on a plane and fly to Doggerland at a moment’s notice. Eric sat next to me on the sofa and poked me in my side.

  “What?”

  “Your father,” Button-eyes repeated. “Did you tell your father that you moved off campus?”

  “No, I have no contact with him.”

  “So, it can’t have been him who told the paparazzo?”

  “Well, when there’s money to be earned, my father can find out anything. I don’t see who else it could have been.”

  “This is going to be a problem.”

  “I’m sure the press will lose interest once our engagement is made public,” Eric said.

  “Yes, but we’re not there yet. The king hasn’t given his consent yet, and neither has the prime minister. We’re still a long way off, and we don’t want any more interference.” Button-eyes finally got tired of pacing and pulled up a chair from his desk. “I’ll have to speak to your father again,” he said to me. “Perhaps you can accompany me next time.”

  “Do you want to offer him more money?”

  “I want to offer him an allowance.”

  “What is an allowance?”

  “It means your father will be paid a certain sum of money every month for the rest of his life. It’s a secure income that will amount to much more than he could ever gain from the press.”

  “It’s what my father did with Aunt Trine when she went off the rails back in the 90s,” Eric chipped in. “She fell in love with an Indian guru. Some kind of charlatan who taught people about astral planes and stuff like that. They wanted to get married and tour the world with their hocus pocus. The relationship failed, of course, and she was left destitute. She threatened to publish a book, so my father offered her an allowance. It means she gets to live in luxury without having to do any work, but she’s not allowed to make public appearances or speak to the press. She’s in essence a prisoner here.”

  “But I don’t want my father to profit from my relationship with Eric. He has done nothing for me.”

  “Your father is going to profit from your marriage whether you like it or not,” Button-eyes said. “Either the press pays him, or we pay him. I think it’s best we pay him. That way we can control him. Now, with regard to the TV show, they have clearly overstepped their boundaries. Not only have they unduly offended Eric, they have offended the flag of Japan and caused a diplomatic rift between the two countries. We have sent them a strongly worded complaint, and they have promised to issue a public apology during next week’s show.”

  “Perhaps they can also mention that I don’t bottom,” Eric said.

  That remark came out of the blue. Button-eyes and I jolted in our seats and stared at him open-mouthed.

  “They implied that I take it up the arse,” Eric explained. “I don’t. I never have. I want the people of Doggerland to know that.”

  “I… um…” Button-eyes blushed and scratched his head. “I don’t think that would be necessary.”

  “Why do you want the people of Doggerland to know that?” I asked, a little offended. “Is there something wrong with taking it up the arse?”

  “No, there’s nothing wrong with it. I just don’t want people to have that image of me.”

  “Why not? It doesn’t make you any less gay, you know.”

  “I know it doesn’t, I just…”

  Button-eyes jumped in. “Perhaps you two boys can carry on this conversation in private.” Button-eyes rubbed his face to get rid of the blushing. He looked at his notes and resumed the meeting. “The next point on the agenda is your parents. They will be flying in from Russia this afternoon. We will have a meeting with them tonight.”

  Eric hung his head and sank in his chair. “Did you speak to them?” he asked.

  “Of course I spoke to them.”

  “What did they say?”

  “Well, they weren’t very happy, of course, for their tour to be interrupted again.”

  “Did you speak to my mother?”

  “I spoke to the king, as I always do. The queen was listening in on the extension, as she always does.”

  “What did she say?”

  “What do you think she said?”

  “Did she say something like:what has that stupid b
oy gone and done now! That potternik does nothing but bring disgrace on this family. I wish he’d never been born?”

  “I think you’re being a little harsh on the queen.”

  “I think she’s being a little harsh on me.”

  “The queen has a different view of the world, Eric. She was brought up the old-fashioned way. You can’t blame her upbringing. Anyway, it doesn’t matter what the queen said. It’s the king who matters, and he was very calm and rational, as always.”

  “What will tonight’s meeting be about?” I asked.

  “It’ll be about you, of course. About whether or not Eric should marry you.”

  Eric jumped to his feet. “I’m going to marry him,” he said. “With or without permission. I’ll renounce the crown if I must. But I will marry Joel!”

  “If you renounce the crown, you’ll lose your income. The Duchy of Skiepland comes with your title.”

  “I don’t care. I’ll get another job. Let Petra take the crown. Everyone would be happier if she became queen anyway.”

  “That is not true.”

  “It is.”

  Button-eyes frowned and gestured for Eric to sit down again. “You really must stop this petulant behaviour, Eric. You have as much right to marry the man you love as anyone else, and if people won’t accept you as a gay monarch, then you must make then. You must show strength, confidence, and resoluteness. That’s the only way of convincing your father and the prime minister that you are right for the job.” He went to stand behind Eric, put his hands on his shoulders, and began massaging them. “You must stop reverting to your boyish insecurities and self-pity. Being king is your birthright, and you must fight for it. Please don’t talk of renouncing the crown again.”

  There was something odd about the relationship between Eric and Button-eyes. Eric looked up at him with a respect and a reverence that made me a little jealous. And as for Button-eyes… well, I don’t know whether it was the cut of his trousers or the way the light cast its shadows, but I could swear I saw a bulge there, as he stood behind Eric, kneading his muscular shoulders. It almost looked like he had an erection.

  We went back to Eric’s apartment after the meeting. He lay stretched out on the sofa, his feet resting on my lap.

  “Why did you say that, about wanting to let the world know you’re not a bottom?”

  “Because I do.”

  “But why? What does it matter?”

  “It matters to straight people. They think about these things. They might not say anything out loud, but when they meet a gay couple, I know they’re wondering about who’s the man and who’s the woman. They have no respect for a man who offers up his arse to another. I know it sounds crude, but that’s the way they think.”

  “I think you’re exaggerating.”

  “I’m not.”

  “I’m pretty sure most straight people don’t give such things any thought.”

  “Maybe not in metrosexual London, but this is Doggerland. People here are rural and traditional and unsophisticated.”

  “And what about you?”

  “What about me?”

  “Do you look down on me because I bottom?”

  Eric lifted his head and looked me in the eyes. “I look up to you, Joel. Because you have the courage to be yourself and don’t care what other people think of you. I’m the weak one in this relationship. I’m the one who’s hung up on his masculinity.”

  Well, what could I say to that? Every time Eric annoyed me with his vanity or his arrogance, he made it up again by saying something like that. I smiled at him, picked up his foot, and kissed his big toe.

  “How long have you known Button-eyes?” I asked.

  “He came to Dunefort when I was fourteen.”

  “How old is he?”

  Eric shrugged. “No idea. He could be anything between twenty and fifty. He’s one of those men who doesn’t appear to age.”

  “Does he have a wife or a girlfriend?”

  “Not that I know of. I don’t think Christian has time for or interest in women.”

  “Maybe he’s gay.”

  “I think he’s asexual. I’ve never seen him get hot under the collar about anyone.”

  He gets hot under the collar about you, I thought. But I kept my mouth shut.

  Eric entered the office first, and I tagged along behind him. We stopped in front of the king’s desk, held our arms by our sides, and nodded. The king nodded back and gestured for us to sit down.

  “How was your flight, Father?” Eric asked, a little nervously.

  The king frowned. “Never mind my flight, Eric! The flight was fine, but it was one I shouldn’t have had to make.”

  Eric hung his head. “I’m sorry I asked,” he mumbled. “Where’s Mother?”

  “She’s tired. She’s not joining us tonight. But your sister is here.”

  The king pointed towards the back of the office. Petra was sitting on the sofa, smiling and waving at us.

  “Petra said she wanted to sit in. As it is a family meeting, I agreed. I trust you have no objection.”

  “No, of course not. But if it is a family meeting, then shouldn’t Mother also be here?”

  “I told you. She’s tired. And anyway, she said she couldn’t look at you right now.”

  The muscles around Eric’s mouth tensed up. “And why is that?” he asked.

  “Why do you think? We’ve had to cancel our Japanese tour because of you.”

  “Not because of me, Father. I wasn’t the one who insulted the Japanese flag.”

  “Well, you know what I mean.”

  “No, I don’t know what you mean. I don’t know why you’re angry with me, and I don’t know why Mother doesn’t want to see me. I haven’t done anything wrong!”

  There was a tense pause.

  “All right, I’m sorry,” the king said. “I’m tired, Eric. That’s all. Why don’t we have a little drink before we kick off.” He opened the desk cabinet and took out a bottle of whisky. “Petra, will you join us?”

  “No, thank you, Father.”

  The king poured three drinks. Eric grabbed his glass before the king finished serving and downed it in one go. He sighed and slammed the empty tumbler on the desk.

  The king looked at him and smiled. “Feeling better?” he asked.

  “Yes. Thank you.”

  “Well, let’s get to business, then.” The king picked up his whisky glass and leaned back in his chair. “What happened was unfortunate. That awful joke caused great offense in Japan, and it completely overshadowed our upcoming visit. As part of my visit, I would have had to stand beside the Emperor and salute the Japanese flag. Lord only knows what the press would have made of that!”

  King salutes prince’s arse, was the headline that came to my mind.

  “We had to cancel the tour; there was nothing else to do. It isn’t your fault, Eric, but you can see the consequences that your coming out has had on the reputation of our family and our country. Which brings me to my point. I’m sorry to have to say this, Eric, I really am, but it is clear to me that the world is not ready yet for an openly gay king.”

  “So, what does that mean?”

  “What it means is that I cannot allow you to marry Joel. Nor can I allow you to come out.”

  Both Eric and I stared at the king in shock.

  The king continued speaking. “Our PR department is working on explaining away that photograph of you and Joel in the garden. Playful camaraderie between two college friends, that’s the spin they’ll put on it. We will also find you a suitable woman to marry in order to do away with any persistent rumours. Your mother knows of a German woman from a good family.”

  Eric looked aghast. “You’re kidding me!”

  “No, I’m not. She’s a little older than you and a divorcee, but she does come from a noble lineage, and apparently, she’s not unattractive. It doesn’t mean you have to stop seeing Joel. You can carry on as you were, as long as you do it discreetly. The young lady in question will
be made aware of the situation.”

  “I told you I didn’t want a sham marriage.”

  “It’s not a question of what you want, Eric. It’s a question of what your country needs you to do.”

  Eric stared at his father with disbelief. He got up, marched to the back of the office, and punched the wall. “I can’t believe you’re doing this to me, Father!”

  “You must make sacrifices for your country if you want to be king. I had no say in who I married, either. “

  “Well, I’ll renounce the crown, then! If that’s what I have to do to be king, then fuck it!”

  The king frowned. “Come on, Eric.”

  “No, Father! If I can’t be who I am when I am king, then I don’t want to be king!”

  The king shrugged. “Well, in that case, the crown will pass on to Petra.”

  We all turned to look at Petra. She stared back silently. “Well, I will renounce it also,” she said.

  A smile escaped Eric’s lips, but the king was not pleased. He pressed his lips together and frowned. “You two are impossible!” he muttered.

  “I will not be queen of a country that discriminates against homosexuals,” Petra said.

  “It is not a matter of discrimination, Petra.”

  “It absolutely is a matter of discrimination. The laws are clear and just. A man is allowed to marry another man. Eric is a man. So why can’t he marry Joel if he wants to?”

  “He can marry Joel, but he cannot be king if he does.”

  “Why not?”

  “You have seen why not. Because we’ll be ridiculed, that’s why. It is our job to strengthen Doggerland’s image abroad, not weaken it.”

  “Do you think it was right for Eric to be ridiculed?”

  “Of course not.”

  “Do you think it’s right for any man to be ridiculed because of his sexual orientation?”

  “No.”

  “Well, neither does the government of Doggerland, which is why we have discrimination laws. In Doggerland, a person can maintain their dignity regardless of race, gender, or sexual orientation. These are our country’s values. And it is our job, as representatives of this country, to uphold these values abroad. Especially in countries where homosexuality is illegal or frowned upon. You should be vociferously renouncing that homophobic joke, Father, instead of shrinking away and hiding!”