‘Joyce,’ he said tenderly, moving his hand up to stroke the side of my face. ‘We’ll stop if you want too. But please know, I’m scared too.’
‘You are?’ I replied in wonderment, not entirely sure what he meant, not daring to hope.
‘I’m scared of how much you’ve come to mean me. I’m scared that you don’t want me as much as I want you. I’m scared of losing you.’
I think my heart stopped beating for a second at his words, and only when he grazed his fingertips against my cheek did I realise that I was crying.
‘Can I be honest, Joyce?’
I nodded, not trusting myself to speak.
‘I love you. I think I loved you from the first second that I saw you on the beach.’ I was stunned. I couldn’t breathe, couldn’t take in his words. ‘I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said that. Come on, let’s get dressed and go downstairs. I didn’t mean to scare you…’
‘No, it’s okay,’ I said, putting my finger to his lips to silence him. ‘Stay. Please.’
Somewhere along the line, I knew not when, I found that I was cradling his hand against my cheek, and my other hand was now entwined in his hair, tugging his mouth back onto mine.
Gently, he eased his head away from mine. ‘Are you sure?’ he whispered.
‘Yes. Positive.’
I wrapped my arms and legs around him, clinging to him with all the passion I felt for him. When his hand sandwiched between us and glided over my eager wetness, stroking me into even more of a frenzy, I couldn’t wait a second longer for him to enter me.
‘I want you,’ I said, wriggling away from his probing fingers and reaching for his penis to guide him inside me.
He didn’t have to be asked twice. Despite my arousal, there was an initial, sharp stab of pain, and then just glorious pleasure. The ferocity of my own need took me by surprise, and I dug my fingers into his firm buttocks, encouraging him to drive into me all the harder.
And I trusted the words that he whispered to me in the dark; those lovers’ words.
I trusted them wholeheartedly.
FOURTEEN
I awoke from a dreamless sleep to the sound of a low, steady wail. Instantly, my brain was fully-firing, despite not knowing quite what was going on. It was a deeply disorientating sensation and I sat bolt upright in the bed, grappling with the facts that rattled around in my head. I was in Aaron’s bed. I was naked. We’d had sex then had fallen asleep. I flushed hot at the memory and glanced to my left in the gloomy room.
Aaron lay on his back snoring softly beside me, one arm thrown over his head. My heart tripped at the sight of him, not quite believing what had transpired between us just a few short hours ago. At the declarations of love he had whispered in my ear.
‘Mummeee,’ came the plaintive wail from down the hallway, spurring me into action.
I swung my legs over the side of the bed, suddenly conscious of a painfully dry throat and a raging thirst, accompanied by a desperate need to pee.
Next to me, Aaron moaned, and stirred slightly. ‘What is it?’ he slurred. ‘Where you going?’
Instinctively, I reached for the nearest blanket on the bed and clutched it to my chest, even though I had my back to him. His arms wrapped around me and the feel of him made me tingle all over.
‘Becky’s crying,’ I said, reluctantly shrugging out of his grip.
‘Oh, yeah. Shit, she must be terrified,’ he said, now sounding fully awake.
The obvious concern in his voice touched me deeply, and I felt such a tug of affection for him that those damn tears threatened to stage a comeback.
The pressure lifted from around my shoulders, and the bed rocked slightly beneath me. When I swivelled my head to look behind myself, Aaron was on his feet, scooping things up off the floor.
‘Here,’ he said, chucking the white t-shirt at me that he had been wearing earlier under his jumper.
I caught it mid-air, pathetically grateful for the coverup. I had never been one of those, take-a-bath-with-my-child types. I understood perfectly well that it was healthy and normal for Becky to see me in the nude, but it never sat particularly easy with me, being the naturally reserved type. And neither could I say that I fancied scurrying around naked on the floor for my jeans and jumper.
Becky’s vocal distress grew more insistent as I pulled the blessed t-shirt over my head.
By some fortuitous piece of luck, my knickers had landed just inches from where my feet had touched down on the floorboards, and I stepped into them, discreetly edging them up over my rump before I stood up. We met by the bedroom door, Aaron dressed only in his underpants.
‘I’ll miss you,’ he said, leaning down to kiss me on the lips.
A tingling heat spread through me, warming me deep inside where I had been stone cold for so many years now. For the first time in a long time, an alien emotion fluttered in my chest; hope. Hope that a relationship with Aaron might be in my future.
‘I’ll miss you, too,’ I whispered.
He swatted me on the rump, and I squealed happily. ‘Get on with you, before I chain you to the bed and never let you go again.’
I giggled, the bout of sex having emboldened me. ‘Could be fun.’
He smiled, kissed me briefly once more, and let me go.
As soon as I stepped into the room in which Becky was sleeping, I saw that she was sitting upright and sobbing her little heart out.
‘Baby,’ I said, going to her and wrapping my arms around her.
She clung on tight and the wave of love and guilt that washed over me was a physical thing, making my heart hammer and the bed lurch beneath me.
I clung to Becky as tightly as she clung to me, and we stayed like that for quite some time, for five minutes at least. When I noticed that her sobs were beginning to subside, I gently eased her slightly out of my arms so that I could inspect her face. I cast my gaze around myself for something resembling a tissue with which to wipe her face, but there was nothing.
‘Thirsty,’ she sniffed.
Of course she was. She always went to bed with a glass of lemon squash on her bedside table, but tonight, I had forgotten all about that. Brief, graphic imagery of sex with Aaron flashed in my mind and I flushed hot at the memory.
There was a gentle rat-a-tat-tat on the opened bedroom door, and I flinched.
‘Aaron,’ I gasped, taking in his broad-shouldered form, illuminated and cast into silhouette by the light of the hallway.
He was still in his form-hugging undershorts, but had also thrown on a t-shirt. Tucked under his arm was a wad of kitchen towel, and in one hand he held Becky’s plastic beaker of squash, in the other a pint glass of water. He placed them both on the bedside table, then came to sit on the foot of the bed at the opposite end to where me and Becky were cuddled together.
He handed me the kitchen towel, and I accepted it with a small smile. Gently, I wiped down Becky’s soggy face.
‘Blow,’ I instructed, holding the paper over her nose.
Aaron got up to retrieve the drinks, then sat back down again. He handed both glasses to me. ‘I thought you might be thirsty, Becky. And I thought Mummy might be, too.’
Even though it was dark, there was no mistaking the playful tone to his voice and the way his sensuous mouth curled up slightly at one corner. I was glad that the bedroom was shadowy enough to hide my blushes.
Becky took her plastic beaker and gulped down the lot. I wanted to do the same, but was a little self-conscious with Aaron sitting there, even though we had been at it like sex-starved wild beasts just a little while earlier.
‘Need a wee,’ she stated when her beaker was drained.
Aaron got to his feet. ‘I’ll leave you ladies to settle down and get some sleep. Goodnight.’
To my surprise, he came over to us and planted a kiss first on my forehead, and then on Becky’s. I was so absurdly touched by the gesture that I couldn’t even formulate a goodnight in return.
As if by magic, the last of Becky’s sniffles dried instantly.
<
br /> ‘Wee,’ she reminded me.
‘Yes,’ I said.
With Becky clutching my hand, we made our way over to the en-suite bathroom and I flicked the light switch, plunging the bathroom into light. Like the rest of the house, it was tastefully – and very expensively – decorated. I led her across the vast expanse of marble floor and planted her on the toilet.
Becky washed her hands, then it was my turn to urinate. My mind flickered back to sex, specifically to the fact that Aaron had come inside me.
Relax, he can’t have children, remember?
By even so, for a second my heart clutched in terror. What if he were lying? I barely knew the man, after all. And what about STDs?
Not liking the turn my thoughts were taking, I flushed the toilet and washed my hands thoroughly under the tap. I thought longingly of a nice, hot shower, but I couldn’t leave Becky. I was painfully conscious of the drying tackiness between my legs and would be mortified if Becky noticed, or, heaven forbid, smelled me.
I’ll grab a shower when she’s asleep, I told myself when I lay down next to her in the king-size bed.
Becky reached out across the gap between us and we held hands as she drifted quickly into sleep.
She must really like it here, to fall asleep so quickly, I thought drowsily, watching her sweet little face in the gloom.
My eyelids felt so heavy, and I allowed myself to close them, telling myself that it would only be for a second, that I was going to get up and take that shower…
That was the last thought I had before sleep claimed me.
* * *
I prised open my eyes to a rocking sensation that was making me feel quite seasick and immediately clamped them shut again when sunlight pierced my retinas.
But not before I had seen my daughter’s face peering down at me. She was silhouetted against the morning light flooding through the sash window because the heavy, deep red velvet curtains had not been drawn for the night. Her golden hair glowed like that of an angel’s her face cast into shadows.
I groaned and flopped onto my side, grabbing both ends of the pillow’s corners and wrapping them around my head.
‘Wake up, Mummy, wake up.’
‘What’s time?’ I slurred into the pillow.
Sharp pain stabbed in my brain.
Need coffee, I thought in despair. Coffee or sleep.
Becky moved down my body and straddled my hips through the bedding. Luckily, I was now on my side so there was no danger of me wetting myself. I groaned in time with her bouncing.
‘Stop,’ I wailed.
‘Maybe you should let your poor old mum drink her coffee,’ said a deeply rumbling, familiar male voice, and the bouncing pressure instantly lifted from my hips.
My brain pinged into life, my wake-up switch well and truly flicked. My heart slammed at the sound of his voice and my entire body tensed at the memory of sex. I was sore in places that I had pretty much forgotten even existed, and, truth be told, I felt as rough as rats. The stabbing pain in my head suggested that maybe I’d consumed more than my fair share of alcohol, and I was conscious of the sex stink clinging to my body.
Knowing that there would be no rest for this wicked woman, I girded my loins to face the cruel light of day. Sheepishly, I unfurled the pillow from around my head and forced myself to sit upright, clutching the duvet to my chest and shuffling backwards so that I was propped up against the wrought iron bedpost.
‘Morning, sleepyhead,’ Aaron said with a bright smile.
How the hell did he manage to look so fresh and sprightly, I wondered in a mix of irritation and admiration. He was wearing a fresh pair of blue jeans, and a fitted grey pullover that exactly matched his wintry grey eyes.
Oh God, he can’t see me in this state…
But it was a bit late for that. I was painfully conscious of the complete and utter mess I must look. Most mornings, my stupid, corkscrew curls took an age to tame into anything remotely approaching normal, and I very much doubted that the splash of cold water on my face last night had done much in the way of removing yesterday’s mascara.
And I didn’t even want to think about the horrendous taste in my mouth. Eu de breath of rat, I thought in despair, clamping my lips together.
‘Morning,’ I said, mumbling a thanks lest he should smell my breath as I accepted the offered mug of coffee.
He was also very thoughtfully carrying my shoulder bag. When he saw me eyeing it, he threw me a knowing smile.
‘Women and their bags. I’m sure they’ll be something in here that you desperately need as soon as you wake up.’
I turned my attention to Becky to hide my blushes at his all-too-astute observation. ‘Have you been up long, baby?’
She only smiled and crawled up the length of the bed so that she was cuddled up to my side. Only then did I notice that she was dressed in her clothes from yesterday.
‘Not long, only half an hour or so,’ Aaron replied, sitting down on the end of the bed. ‘I’d only just got up myself, and when I peaked in at you two on my way past, Becky was sitting upright looking a bit lost, so I grabbed her clothes and we went downstairs and had a bowl of cereal, didn’t we, sweetheart?’
She nodded enthusiastically, and I marvelled at how at ease she was around Aaron. He really was quite amazing with her.
She’s the child that he’s always wanted.
The thought caught me off-guard, making me feel a little squirmy, off-kilter somehow. At that precise second, I felt as if I were on a speeding train with no brakes. The feeling passed, but I was left feeling slightly uneasy.
Just drink your coffee, woman. It’s the lack of caffeine making you jittery.
‘Why don’t we go back downstairs, Becky? Leave your mum to grab a quick shower. You can help me make breakfast. I know you’ve just had cornflakes, but I bet you’ve still got room for bacon and eggs.’
Her eyes lit up; for one so young she could certainly put it away. ‘Yes please.’
‘Come on then, let’s leave your mum to make herself beautiful.’ He smiled warmly at me, and the way it heated up those usually cold grey eyes made my heart flutter like a lovesick schoolgirl’s. ‘Not that she doesn’t look always look beautiful of course, even if she is a looking a little rumpled right now.’
‘Rumpled?’ I repeated. ‘I think the word you’re looking for is scarecrow.’
He laughed that lovely, warm rich laugh of his and it was impossible not to smile. ‘You are beautiful, Joyce Sanders, but even beautiful things need straightening out now and then, so I think me and Becky should leave you to it. Come on,’ he said briskly, getting to his feet.
The man would’ve made a brilliant headmaster, I thought abstractly; the perfect mix of austere, charismatic yet approachable.
He was irresistible.
‘Please, I don’t want you to go to any trouble…’ I began.
‘It’s no trouble. Don’t be long. Have a good rootle around in the bathroom, there’s shampoo and toothpaste and other bits and pieces for when the occasional guest stays over.’
I wondered who he meant by “the occasional guest”. Women, perhaps? I quashed the thought before it took root.
Aaron left, and the way Becky just blindly followed him out of the room without hardly a backward glance was truly astounding, leaving me wondering if he had worked some kind of black magic on her.
When I had drained the coffee, I hauled my sorry backside out of the bed, wincing at the fresh pain that stabbed behind my eyes.
Sure enough, in the bathroom I located enough products to enable a shower, and thankfully, in my bag I’d had the foresight to pack a comb, a small pot of eye-cream, a mascara and a concealer stick for my flushed cheeks and the slight redness that always irritatingly coloured the sides of my nose.
I guess on some level I had always known that one night I’d inevitably stay.
FIFTEEN
After a blisteringly hot shower, I felt somewhere approaching my normal self. I made my way down the
stairs, reasonably confident that my curls were somewhat tamed, and my face was somewhat presentable. I felt a bit grubby wearing yesterday’s clothes – especially yesterday’s knickers – but at least I was wearing jeans and a jumper, as opposed to a little black dress that would’ve made me feel like even more of a dirty stop out. I trailed my hand over the curving banister as I descended the stairs, that strange, dreamlike feeling from last night still clinging to me.
This grand house was too good to be true. Aaron was too good to be true. I felt like a princess in a castle – albeit a shabby princess – on her way to meet her handsome prince. It just wasn’t me, yet there I was, playing the part.
In the kitchen, Aaron greeted me with a bright smile, and immediately he strode over towards me, catching me completely by surprise when he planted a kiss on my opened, stunned mouth.
I looked over at Becky, who was sitting on the floor by the French doors, playing with her teddy and another bear I didn’t recognise. If she had seen the kiss, she didn’t seem to mind. My heart tripped in a mix of confusion and hope – if Aaron was kissing me in front of Becky, then surely he had swiftly moved into “boyfriend” territory? But if that wasn’t the case, then the signals he was throwing off to Becky were just flat-out cruel.
He continued to smile warmly at me, going a long way to allaying my panic. I had chosen to stay the night, after all. I had knowingly let my daughter sleep in his house.
By God, I really do think we’re in the realms of a relationship…
That fact was as exhilarating as it was terrifying.
‘Excuse me a sec, better check on the bacon.’
He hurried over to the oven, and I sniffed the air. It did smell great in here, the aroma of freshly brewed coffee mingling with the smell of sizzling bacon, making my stomach growl.
I wandered over to Becky and crouched down next to her. ‘Hey sweetie, who’s that you’ve got there?’
‘Doodoo.’
‘Doodoo, huh? He’s a nice bear.’
‘Doodoo is another relic from my childhood. I found him stashed away with the board games in a cupboard upstairs,’ Aaron called over to me as he turned the bacon in the frying pan.
The Silenced Wife Page 11
