I frowned slightly at this titbit of information – Doodoo didn’t look forty years old. I shrugged off the strange feeling. He’s just well-preserved, I guess.
‘Teddy likes Doodoo,’ Becky informed me with great gravitas.
‘That’s good,’ I said, stroking her blonde head, absently noting that Aaron had brushed it.
‘Breakfast is ready, do you two girls want to come on over to the table?’
‘And Doodoo and Teddy.’
‘Yes, better not forget them,’ Aaron said seriously.
* * *
The three of us – plus Teddy and Doodoo – tucked into the bacon and scrambled eggs. The food, combined with the coffee revived me considerably, knocking the impending hangover firmly on the head. We chatted about this and that, Aaron always making sure that Becky was part of the conversation.
It felt like we were a real family, and while we ate, I pretended that this really was the case, that this was just a normal morning.
‘Can I go and watch Mr Tumble?’ Becky said when she’d lost interest in the food.
I glanced over at Aaron, who was sipping his coffee. He raised his eyebrows at me. ‘What are you looking at me for? You may do whatever you like – my castle is your castle. I’ll tell you what, why don’t you go and sort out the telly while I wash up?’
‘Sure,’ I said casually, marvelling at how perfect he was.
I settled Becky in front of the TV, knowing that it would keep her entertained for all of ten minutes, and went back to join Aaron in the kitchen. I was glad that she fancied a dose of telly this morning, for I really wanted a moment alone with Aaron to see how the ground lay.
When I came back, Aaron was up to his elbows in sudsy water.
‘You mean to tell me that a kitchen as grand as this doesn’t have a dishwasher?’ I quipped.
He turned around to face me. ‘Yes, it has one, but I prefer the hands-on approach.’
He came over to me and wrapped his soaking hands around my back, instantly wetting my skin through the jumper. I squealed and flinched in his arms, but he just laughed and held me all the tighter.
‘Get off,’ I laughed, squirming to no avail in his grip.
‘Never,’ he said, and I suddenly stopped wriggling, overcome with a desire that left me weak and clinging to him instead of fighting him.
His gaze flitted to my lips, and then his mouth was on mine. The effect he had on me was instantaneous, and I arched against him, my body responding to him on a level that I was not familiar with. James had never had such a devastating effect upon me, and my head swam at the newness and magnitude of this lust.
Aaron broke off the kiss, and when I opened my eyes again, he was staring down at me with such longing my stomach flipped.
‘I meant what I said last night. I’ve fallen for you, Joyce, and I want to be a part of your life. If you’ll let me.’
Part of me wanted that more than anything, but the other, much smaller part of me? Well, it was terrified. I pulled out of his arms slightly, my fingers lightly curling around his strong biceps, feeling their hard strength through the pullover.
Come on, Joyce, concentrate.
‘I really like you, Aaron,’ I said slowly, aware that I had just uttered the understatement of the century. ‘More than that, I mean, I really like you…’
And now I was sounding like a simpering fool, and inside, I cringed.
Aaron looked crestfallen. ‘I sense a but. Oh, God, I’m moving too fast, aren’t I?’
‘No,’ I said, meaning yes. ‘I’m mainly thinking of Becky. I’m not sure we should’ve stayed last night.’ I closed my eyes for a second and took a deep breath. ‘Look, Aaron, I’m crazy about you, okay? You’ve been the first guy I’ve, well, you know, since James…’ I was getting all woolly and pathetic again, and I resolved to speak like the grown woman I was, and not like a stupid little girl. ‘I’m falling for you, and as much as I want you in my life, me and Becky come as a package. If you take me on, you take on her, too.’
I could hardly believe the words that were coming out of my mouth, how things were moving at breakneck speed.
‘And yet you stayed last night,’ he said softly.
I cringed at his words, my face flaming hot. Because he was right. How the hell could I take the moral high-ground when last night I had slept with him? And not only had I slept with him, I had done so with my own daughter in the house.
Shit, I was beyond irresponsible. I was a reprehensible, disgusting human being. I was not fit to be Becky’s mother.
And yet I had done this because I had fallen in love with him. The absolute truth of it hit me full force and my eyes stung with unshed tears.
Oh my God, I thought, what the hell’s the matter with me? I was an emotional train wreck.
‘Hey, look at me’, he said, uncurling one had from around my waist and placing it under my chin to tilt back my head. He stared deeply into my eyes, his gaze flickering from one eye to the other.
This act of affection – his concern – almost threatened to be my undoing.
‘I meant no malice. I love you, and I want to look after you and Becky. I’m too old to play games; we’ve both know too much heartbreak for that. I want to be upfront and honest with you. For me, this is all or nothing. I don’t want to confuse Becky any more than you do, and I want to be a permanent fixture in your lives, if you’ll let me.’
His little speech left me stunned. I could only stare at him open-mouthed, my heart pounding and my mind reeling at the magnitude of his words. In that moment, I knew I was careering head first into my new future. I knew that I was looking at my destiny.
‘I love you, too.’
His face broke out into the broadest grin, and without warning, he lifted me off my feet and twirled me around in a circle, before planting me back down in the exact same place as I had started. I was dizzy, but whether that was from being picked up and spun around, or just good old-fashioned, lovesick delirium, I didn’t know.
I laughed, and entwined my fingers in his hair, tugging his head down onto mine. God, it felt so good to finally be able to do that, that I was within my rights to do so.
His eyes shone with unshed tears as he smiled down at me. ‘You have no idea how happy you’ve made me.’
‘You too.’
Out of the blue, I thought of my mum, about how she was going to take this news. It put a slight damper on my euphoric mood because I knew that she wouldn’t understand – I knew that she would find this sudden outpouring of love, this commitment to a man I technically didn’t really know all that well, problematic.
And maybe she’s right.
Christ, I hadn’t even told her yet, and already I was arguing with her in my head.
‘Why the sudden sad face?’ he asked me as he gently massaged the small of my back in a way that was proving to be most distracting.
‘I’m just thinking about my mum,’ I replied honestly. ‘I’m not sure what I should tell her.’
‘Tell her the truth. Tell her that you’ve met the love of your life, that you and Becky are going to move in and that we’re all going to live happily ever after.’
I looked at him with my mouth hanging open. Surely he was joking?
‘Are you asking me to move in?’
‘Of course. We’ll make it as gradual a process as possible, so we don’t alarm Becky and your mum too much. I know your mum is sick, Joyce. When the time comes she can move in here, with us. I want you to think of this as your home now, too. I fully understand that when the time comes, your mum will need round the clock care, and I promise you she will get that. Don’t forget that I have many connections in the NHS, and in private healthcare. I will ensure that your mum is taken care of to the highest standard.’
I was terrified, yet I wasn’t at the same time. I had been so closeted by my own, stifling fear over the past few years, that it was amazingly freeing to just let go of it all, to simply live my life.
‘Thank you,’ I said, my
voice cracking with emotion.
‘What on earth are you thanking me for? I love you. No games, remember? Just honesty between us. Life’s too short, too precious to waste.’
I nodded mutely, not trusting myself to speak.
‘Are you still on for tonight?’ he asked.
‘Tonight?’ I asked, looking at him blankly. And then I remembered. The big meal with his bosses that had been on the cards for ages. ‘Oh, yes, of course.’
‘Before today, I had assumed that perhaps your mum would babysit and that you wouldn’t be staying over, but everything is different now, I guess. You know that Becky’s more than welcome to sleep here, tonight, don’t you?’
‘That’s very kind of you, but won’t Becky cramp your style, somewhat? I mean, a toddler at a dinner party is hardly the ideal.’
‘I rather think it is, actually. I want to show you and her off to everybody. I want the world to know that we’re together.’
‘But it’s a dinner party,’ I protested. ‘Children and dinner parties don’t exactly go together.’
‘Of course they do. I don’t want to be some stuffy, secretive bastard that keeps all the different strands of his life separate. I want to be open and honest about everything. I want everyone to know how much I love and respect you and Becky. But I do understand if want your mum to babysit, because if you both stay, obviously you will be called away on your night-time duties during the evening. It’s completely up to you. But I want them to see us together, I want the world to know the commitment I’ve made to you and Becky.’
His words should’ve scared the hell out of me, but somehow, they didn’t. Instead, I found them deeply touching. And most of me wanted what he was proposing – a declaration to the world at large that we were in love, starting with his work colleagues.
‘I don’t know,’ I began, weighing up the options in my mind.
I owed a long explanation to my mum, deciding to myself that she deserved some say in where Becky stayed tonight. I didn’t want her to feel that I didn’t need her anymore, that I was shutting her out.
‘Yes, of course, you need to talk to your mum about quite a few things, I should imagine.’
‘That’s for sure.’
‘Whatever you decide is fine by me. This is a lot for Margaret to get used to. I think we should have her round for dinner tomorrow night. What do you say? Good idea or not?’
‘Good idea,’ I answered immediately. ‘She’ll want to get to know you properly.’
‘And I want to get to know Margaret. She’s going to be part of my extended family after all.’
‘What about you?’ I asked.
‘What about me?’
He let go of me and wandered over to the coffee pot. I immediately, and keenly felt a strong sense of loss at the absence of his warm, safe body.
‘What about your family? Is there anyone pressing in your family that’s important to you? Someone that I’ll have to meet in the foreseeable future?’
When he spoke, he had his back to me, and his voice was strangely flat. ‘No, there’s no one. No one I’m close to, anyway. As you know I was an only child and my aunts and uncles are long dead. There are a few cousins scattered around, but no one I keep in touch with. I used to be close to Cynthia’s family, but they shut me out after her death.’
‘Oh. I’m sorry to hear that.’
‘Don’t be. Like I say, I’ve known more than my fair share of heartache, but it’s made me the man I am. And I have you, now.’
‘Yes, you do.’
He turned round to face me, his arms outstretched. ‘Come here.’
I didn’t have to be asked twice. I went to him and allowed myself to be swallowed up by his big arms. We stood there in silence for a moment, listening to the hissing and the spluttering of the coffee machine.
‘What about friends? Do you have much in the way of extended family?’ he asked me.
I stiffened slightly in his arms, because his question just served to highlight how lonely I had been the past few years.
‘My mum has been the only constant in my life,’ I began slowly. ‘Like you, I’m an only child, and I’m not particularly close to any of my cousins. My mum had an older sister, but she died years ago. My dad was an only child. And as for friends, well, I think me running away to Cornwall was the death knoll for most of my friendships.’
That was mainly the truth; after James’s death, I had deleted all my social media accounts and effectively shut out every living soul I had ever known. As I had been shipped off to boarding school there was no danger of me running into childhood friends here in St Ives, and having been the reclusive, difficult child I was, I hadn’t made friends outside of school. Not that I’d had friends in school either, but that wasn’t the point. All my mutual friends with James had fallen by the wayside because they were a painful reminder of the life I had once had, and I simply couldn’t cope with the well-meaning – but ultimately too painful – “helpfulness” of the people I knew.
There was one girl that I kept in touch with through email, an old work colleague called Sally Goldman. She was the same age as me, a real ‘Sex and the City” type, but with a heart of gold and the patience of a saint. She was a journalist at the last paper I worked at as an agony aunt, and by some miracle, she had made every effort to stay in touch with me. God only knew why. I’m ashamed to admit that it was a bit of a one-sided relationship, with her emailing and calling me far more than I ever did her. She emailed me roughly once a week, keeping me updated on her colourful love life and abreast of all the office gossip. Sometimes, I didn’t reply for months, but that didn’t stop her. I loved her emails, they were hilarious, insightful, candid and beautifully written. I often thought that one day I would copy and paste them into a word document and suggest that she publish them, with a few name changes here and there, of course.
‘You must have been very lonely. There must be someone you’re still close to, that you keep in touch with.’
‘Well, I suppose there is one. Just one, though. A girl called Sally that I used to work with.’
‘Oh? Do you see much of her?’
‘No, not really. She came to stay with me for a weekend not so long ago, but she’s always super busy with her own life.’
I wasn’t being strictly fair on poor old Sally. It was true that she had spent a weekend with me in Cornwall two years ago, but every time she had wanted to see me since then, I had fobbed her off with one lame excuse after another. Like I say, I truly don’t know why she bothered with me.
‘Friends are important, you shouldn’t shut her out.’
I bristled slightly in his arms at his all-too-astute observation. ‘I’m not doing that.’
Gently, he pulled me out of his arms so that he could look me in the eye. ‘It’s nothing to be ashamed of, I’m guilty of doing the exact same thing. It’s all too easy, isn’t it, to build up barriers around your heart? It hurts, letting people in. But what do you say that me and you stop doing that from this day forward? That we embrace life together. That we fill this sad old house with love and laughter and friends.’
I couldn’t help but giggle at his sudden burst of faintly clichéd optimism. But I simply loved what he was saying, he was just so beyond perfect.
‘It’s not a sad old house. It has you.’
‘And you and Becky.’
‘Do you have any true friends?’ I asked him, genuinely curious.
‘Not many. Like I say, I’m guilty of the exact same thing as you, of shutting people out. Most of my friends were couple friends, and after Cynthia died, it was almost too painful to be around them. There are a few colleagues from work that I like, Gary being one of them. You’ll get to meet him tonight.’
‘I’m looking forward to it. I want to know everything there is to know about you.’
‘Well, you’re going to be sorely disappointed because there’s not much to know.’
‘Somehow, I doubt that.’
I glanced behind my sh
oulder at the wall clock – it was almost ten. He gave my waist a playful pinch, making me giggle and writhe in his grip.
‘Am I keeping you from something?’
‘I’m just thinking about Mum, that’s all. She’ll be dying to know what’s going on. And she’ll be missing Becky, too.’
‘Yes, I’m sure you’re right. I should probably take you home, then you can come back as soon as you can, and hopefully you’ll bring Becky with you.’
I stared deep into his eyes, searching. But searching for what, I wasn’t quite sure. Beyond the all-encompassing embrace of happiness, I was stunned by the speed with which this newfound relationship was unfolding. I was confused, but I glossed over the treacherous emotion, telling myself that I was looking for cracks in my new, perfect world that simply didn’t exist.
‘Don’t look so worried, my gorgeous woman. It will all be okay because we’ll make it okay. I love you, and I’ve got your back. Every step of the way.’
And God help me, I believed him.
SIXTEEN
Becky and I made it home for twelve. We found my mum in the kitchen, measuring the flour for the cake she was about to bake.
‘Becky!’ she cried as soon as we entered the kitchen, abandoning the kitchen scales and rushing over to cuddle her granddaughter. ‘Hello, darling girl.’
‘Hello Gwanny,’ she replied graciously as she was being squeezed, and my heart leapt painfully, although I wasn’t altogether sure why.
I mean, it wasn’t like I was about to tell Mum anything bad – this was good news.
Then why are you so nervous?
I ignored the nasty, whispering voice and smiled brightly at my mother. She straightened up, still clutching Becky’s shoulder as if she were frightened that she might run away. I smiled brightly at her, but the smile I received in return looked a little strained.
Oh dear, I thought, she’s not going to understand this at all.
Because if I didn’t understand the suddenness and strength of my feelings, I reasoned, how on earth could I expect her to?
The Silenced Wife Page 12
