The New New Rules: A Funny Look at How Everybody but Me Has Their Head Up Their Ass

by Bill Maher

  NURSE TACKY

  New Rule: And I shouldn’t have to say this, but no, God does not want you to breast-feed your coworkers. A new fatwa in Saudi Arabia declares that women should breast-feed their male colleagues and acquaintances, in order to establish “maternal relations” and thus preclude the possibility of sexual contact. Because, really, nothing says “Let’s just be friends” like putting your titty in someone’s mouth.

  NURSERY CRIME

  New Rule: If you get to bring your baby to work, I get to bring a Mexican mariachi band. The only difference? For twenty bucks, I can get the mariachi band to go annoy somebody else.

  GRAND KENYAN

  New Rule: Never underestimate the ability of a tiny fringe group of losers to ruin everything. We’ve all been laughing heartily at the wacky antics of the “birthers”—the far-right goofballs who claim Obama wasn’t really born in Hawaii, and therefore the job of president goes to the runner-up, Miss California Carrie Prejean. And there’s nothing you can do to convince these people—you could hand them, in person, the original birth certificate, with the placenta, and have a video of Obama emerging from the womb with Don Ho singing in the background . . . and they still wouldn’t believe it. Hey, birthers, wanna hear my theory? My theory is Obama was born in America, and you were born with the umbilical cord around your neck. I don’t know what his mother was doing when she was pregnant, but I’m pretty sure yours was drinking.

  Oh, I kid the birthers, and actually, there is one thing that makes me think they could be right: We’re Americans; of course we’re gonna hire an illegal alien to clean up. I’m joking, of course, and laughing it off has also been the reaction from Democratic leaders so far, proving that Democrats never learn: In America, if you don’t immediately kill arrant bullshit, no matter how ridiculous, it can grow and thrive and eventually take over, like crabgrass or Cirque du Soleil. This might be a deluded, time-wasting right-wing obsession, but so was Whitewater, and look where that ended up. Liberals said, “Oh, what’re they gonna do, keep expanding the case until they impeach the president over a blowjob?”

  I’m telling you, in America, there is no idea so patently absurd that it can’t catch on. For example, have you ever met a Mormon? More recently, we had the Swift Boat allegations against John Kerry, making him, a genuine war hero, into a coward in a race against a guy who never left Texas—this was so stupid that Kerry refused to even discuss it. And we all know how well that worked out.

  You may ask, how does something as inane as Whitewater or Swift Boats or the “birther” phenomenon gain traction? I’ll tell you how: the same way the story about Elton John almost dying from ingesting too much of Rod Stewart’s sperm gained traction in my high school: dummies talking to other dummies. It’s just easier now because of the Internet and because our mainstream media does such a lousy job of speaking truth to stupid.

  Lou Dobbs said recently, “People are asking a lot of questions about the birth certificate.” Yes, the same people who want to know where the sun goes at night, and where to put the stamp on their e-mail. And, Lou, you’re their new king. That’s why it’s so important that we the few, the proud, the “reality-based,” attack this stuff before it has a chance to fester and spread. It’s not a case of Democrats vs. Republicans. It’s sentient beings vs. the Lizard People, and it is to them I offer this deal: I’ll show you President Obama’s birth certificate when you show me Sarah Palin’s high school diploma.

  —July 31, 2009

  O

  OBTUSE ANGLE

  New Rule: Someone has to explain to me the difference between video fishing and just sitting on the couch, drinking beer.

  OCTOBER SURMISE

  New Rule: Designers of women’s Halloween costumes must admit that they’re not even trying. They just choose a random profession, like nurse or referee, and put the word “sexy” in front of it, thereby perpetuating the idea of Halloween as a day when normally shy women release their inner sluts and parade around like vixens, and I just completely forgot what I was complaining about.

  C TO SHINING C–

  New Rule: Just because a country elects a smart president doesn’t make it a smart country. A couple of weeks ago, I was asked on CNN if I thought Sarah Palin could get elected president, and I said I hope not, but I wouldn’t put anything past this stupid country. Well, the station was flooded with e-mails, and the twits hit the fan. And you could tell that these people were really mad, because they wrote entirely in CAPITAL LETTERS!!! Worst of all, Bill O’Reilly refuted my contention that this is a stupid country by calling me a pinhead, which (a) proves my point, and (b) is really funny coming from a doody-face like him.

  Now, before I go about demonstrating how, sadly, easy it is to prove the dumbness that’s dragging us down, let me just say that ignorance has life-and-death consequences. On the eve of the Iraq War, seventy percent of Americans thought Saddam Hussein was personally involved in 9/11. Six years later, thirty-four percent still do. Or look at the health-care debate: At a recent town hall meeting in South Carolina, a man stood up and told his congressman to “keep your government hands off my Medicare,” which is kind of like driving cross-country to protest highways.

  This country is like a college chick after two Long Island iced teas: We can be talked into anything, like wars, and we can be talked out of anything, like health care. We should forget the town halls, and replace them with study halls.

  Listen to some of these stats: A majority of Americans cannot name a single branch of government, or explain what the Bill of Rights is. Twenty-four percent could not name the country America fought in the Revolutionary War. More than two-thirds of Americans don’t know what’s in Roe v. Wade. Two-thirds don’t know what the Food and Drug Administration does. Some of this stuff you should be able to pick up simply by being alive. You know, like the way the Slumdog kid knew about cricket.

  Not here. Nearly half of Americans don’t know that states have two senators, and more than half can’t name their congressman. And among Republican governors, only three got their wife’s name right on the first try. People bitch and moan about taxes and spending, but they have no idea what their government spends money on. The average voter thinks foreign aid consumes twenty-four percent of our federal budget. It’s actually less than one percent.

  A third of Republicans believe Obama is not a citizen, and a third of Democrats believe that George Bush had prior knowledge of the 9/11 attacks, which is an absurd sentence, because it contains the words “Bush” and “knowledge.” Sarah Palin says she would never apologize for America. Even though a Gallup poll says eighteen percent of us think the sun revolves around the earth. No, they’re not stupid. They’re interplanetary mavericks.

  And I haven’t even brought up religion. But here’s one fun fact I’ll leave you with: Did you know only about half of Americans are aware that Judaism is an older religion than Christianity? That’s right, half of America looks at books called the Old Testament and the New Testament and cannot figure out which one came first.

  I rest my case.

  —August 7, 2009

  OFF-TRACK BEDDING

  New Rule: Stop putting all those pillows on the bed. Attention, interior designers, hotel maids, and real housewives of New Jersey: It’s a bed, not an obstacle course. I’m sorry, baby, I’d like to make sweet love to you all night long, but by the time I get all that crap off your bed, I’m exhausted. A bed needs only two pillows: one to put my head on, and one to cuddle with and pretend it’s Robert Pattinson.

  ONO YOU DI’N’T

  New Rule: Yoko Ono has to stop saying, “It’s what John would have wanted.” Really? He would have wanted his songs interpreted by Russian gymnasts at the Mirage casino?

  He would have wanted a John Lennon action figure?

  I think I know what John Lennon would have wanted: a divorce, and Lucy Liu.

  ORBITUARY

  New Rule: Since our new national position on science is “Screw it; we prefer witchcraft,” let
’s not just retire the Space Shuttle Atlantis, let’s drive it to one of the five stupidest states and have the locals beat it with sticks. Putting it in a museum is too dangerous. Someone could steal it, fly it into space, and notice we revolve around the sun.

  OTTOMAN UMPIRE

  New Rule: Stop leaving couches on the sidewalk. Besides being lazy and ugly, it’s animal cruelty. You teach your dog not to pee on the couch, and then when you take him to the place he’s supposed to pee, there’s a couch.

  YES, WE CANNED

  New Rule: Democrats must get in touch with their inner asshole. I refer to the case of Van Jones, the man the Obama administration hired to find jobs for Americans in the new green industries. Seems like a smart thing to do in a recession, but Van Jones got fired because he got caught on tape saying Republicans are assholes. And they call it news!

  Now, I know I’m supposed to be all reinjected with yes-we-can fever after the big health-care speech, and it was a great speech—when Black Elvis gets jiggy with his teleprompter, there is none better. But here’s the thing: Muhammad Ali also had a way with words, but it helped enormously that he could also punch guys in the face.

  It bothers me that Obama didn’t say a word in defense of Jones and basically fired him when Glenn Beck told him to. Just like we dropped “end-of-life counseling” from health-care reform because Sarah Palin said it meant “death panels” on her Facebook page. Crazy morons make up things for Obama to do, and he does it.

  Same thing with the speech to schools this week, where the president attempted to merely tell children to work hard and wash their hands, and Cracker Nation reacted as if he was trying to hire the Black Panthers to hand out grenades in homeroom. Of course, the White House immediately capitulated. “No students will be forced to view the speech,” a White House spokesperson assured a panicked nation. Isn’t that like admitting that the president might be doing something unseemly? What a bunch of cowards. If the White House had any balls, they’d say, “He’s giving a speech on the importance of staying in school, and if you jackasses don’t show it to every damn kid, we’re cutting off your federal education funding tomorrow.”

  The Democrats just never learn: Americans don’t really care which side of an issue you’re on as long as you don’t act like pussies. When Van Jones called the Republicans assholes, he was paying them a compliment. He was talking about how they can get things done even when they’re in the minority, as opposed to the Democrats, who can’t seem to get anything done even when they control both houses of Congress, the presidency, and Bruce Springsteen.

  I love Obama’s civility, his desire to work with his enemies; it’s positively Christlike. In college, he was probably the guy at the dorm parties who made sure the stoners shared their pot with the jocks. But we don’t need that guy now. We need an asshole.

  Mr. President, there are some people who are never going to like you. That’s why they voted for the old guy and Carrie’s mom. You’re not going to win them over. Stand up for the seventy percent of Americans who aren’t crazy.

  And speaking of that seventy percent, when are we going to actually show up in all this? Tomorrow Glenn Beck’s army of zombie retirees is descending on Washington. It’s the Million Moron March, although they won’t get a million, of course, because many will be confused and drive to Washington state—but they will make news. Because people who take to the streets always do. They’re at the town hall screaming at the congressman; we’re on the couch screaming at the TV. Especially in this age of Twitters and blogs and Snuggies, it’s a statement to just leave the house. But leave the house we must, because this is our last best shot for a long time to get the sort of serious health-care reform that would make the United States the envy of several African nations.

  —September 11, 2009

  P

  PAN THEISM

  New Rule: There’s only one thing to say about the Christian Film and Television Commission giving me the Bigoted Bile Award and naming Religulous the number-one Most Unbearable Movie of 2008: Thank you! You hate me, you really hate me!

  PANTS, PANTS REVOLUTION

  New Rule: Just because I’m in my underwear doesn’t mean I’m “parading around.” Why is it women always accuse men in their boxers of “parading around in their underwear”? There is no parade. I just happen to be not wearing pants. And if that bothers you so much, maybe you should get off and wait for the next elevator.

  PAP SNEER

  New Rule: After all the hype for Toy Story 3, it must give me an actual Buzz and an actual Woody.

  PAPAL TIGER

  New Rule: Let the Pope be Pope. An animal-rights group in Italy has asked Pope Benedict to give up his fur-trimmed cape and hat. To which the Pope replied, “Don’t be hatin’ on my cape, bitch.” Sorry, but Popes are the original divas, they invented bling, they’ve been wearing outlandish outfits for a thousand years—almost as long as Elton John. The clothes, the jewels, the fancy palace . . . Those aren’t just symbols of the Papacy, they are the Papacy. The day the Pope shows up on the balcony in a pair of jeans and a polo shirt is the day a billion Catholics go, “What the hell were we thinking?”

  PARISH IS BURNING

  New Rule: If churches don’t have to pay taxes, they also can’t call the fire department when they catch fire. Sorry, Reverend, that’s one of those “services” that goes along with “paying in.” I’ll use the fire department I pay for. You can pray for rain.

  PARISH THE THOUGHT

  New Rule: Stop giving churches names like Ecclesia. Ecclesia doesn’t sound like a church, it sounds like a tranquilizer for mental cases. On second thought, all churches should be named Ecclesia.

  PARTICLE BORED

  New Rule: Instead of using their $10 billion atom-smashing Large Hadron Collider to re-create the Big Bang by melting atom parts in temperatures a million times hotter than the sun, scientists should not do that. I’m just sayin’ it sounds dangerous. I’m as interested as the next guy in determining the origin of matter, but first couldn’t we solve some simpler mystery, like why smoke-detector batteries always die at four a.m.?

  PATIENCE ZERO

  New Rule: You can’t force the ATM to do something it doesn’t want to do. Excuse me, lady in front of me at the Citibank ATM, but you’ve been standing there punching buttons for ten minutes—what are you trying to do, write a novel on it? You hear those beeping noises? That’s the ATM saying, “Stop it, you’re hurting me.” A chicken would have gotten forty bucks out of that thing by now just by pecking the buttons randomly.

  PATIENT ZEROES

  New Rule: You don’t need to tell me when any of the following people check into a hospital—I’ll just go ahead and assume maybe they’re already there: David Hasselhoff, Kiefer Sutherland, Nick Nolte, Whitney Houston, Margot Kidder, the Kennedys, Tom Sizemore, Charlie Sheen, whoever’s dating Charlie Sheen, and that guy from the Jackass movies who went swimming with sharks with shark bait on his dick.

  PDA-HOLES

  New Rule: Couples who make out in public must bring a bucket along for me to throw up in. I didn’t come all the way to Applebee’s to be sickened by your dry humping. I came all the way to Applebee’s to be sickened by the food.

  PEANUTS ENVY

  New Rule: I don’t need a bigger, “Mega” M&M. If I’m extra-hungry for M&M’s, I’ll go nuts and eat two.

  PEEL TIME

  New Rule: Take the stupid “Coexist” bumper sticker off your car. Oh, if only there were a place where Muslims, Christians, and Jews could live together in peace. Actually, there is; it’s called Los Angeles, and you’re driving through it. Try putting that sticker on your rental car in Jordan and see how far you get before your Prius blows up.

  PETITION IMPOSSIBLE

  New Rule: Activists have to stop preying on my liberal sympathies outside of Whole Foods. I know my signature is vital to the antiwar movement, clean-needle programs, music in schools, a free Tibet, and the fight against autism in gay polar bears, but I just need some hummus
and a can of pinto beans—for $37.

  PHYSICAL EDUCATION

  New Rule: If you’re going to have sex with your students, you have to let them up for air. A teacher in Delaware allegedly had sex with her thirteen-year-old student twenty-eight times in one week. Oh, to be young again! I’m getting dehydrated just thinking about it. Jesus Christ, lady. What do you teach, Spanish fly? And, son, if you’re out there, Larry Flynt asked me to pass along this message: When you turn eighteen, you’ve got yourself a job!

  PILL MAHER

  New Rule: Stop pretending that drugs have an expiration date. So what if the Tylenol expired last year? It’s acetaminophen, not egg salad. Besides, the other day I found some mushrooms in a jacket I haven’t worn since 1986, and they worked just fine.