Her Secret

by Shelley Shepard Gray

  “Nee, it wasn’t like that. He wasn’t taking pictures of the Amish. He was taking pictures of her. He only wanted photos of Hannah. She didn’t know when he was doing it, either.”

  Not wanting to simply stare at Ben, Isaac started rolling up the garden hose. But he was still listening to every word . . . and feeling worse by the second about how he’d acted toward Hannah.

  “My parents even had to talk to the police,” Ben continued. “But because there were no fingerprints on anything, they couldn’t prove that this man was doing everything. That’s when Hannah got even more upset and scared. She got so bad that we had to leave.”

  “Wow,” Sam exclaimed. “I bet you were really mad about that.”

  “Jah. I have been. It weren’t Hannah’s fault, though,” he said quickly. “Hannah had a job and friends. She never did anything to deserve what he did. This man simply picked her out.”

  “She had a lot of reasons to be scared, didn’t she?” Sam mumbled.

  “Jah. I guess she did.” Looking a bit empty, Ben said, “Hannah ain’t over it, either. That’s why she still acts afraid of her shadow.”

  While Sam continued to stare at Ben like he’d grown two heads, Isaac felt even worse. That poor girl had gone out on a walk and he’d done nothing but talk to her like she should be happy they were having a conversation. Then, when she hadn’t acted that way, he’d acted smug. He owed her an apology.

  He owed her brother a better apology, too.

  It was obvious that Ben was lost and unhappy; and here, the first time he comes over to their house to be with Sam, they badger him about Hannah. “Listen, I’m sorry we asked so many questions. What happened to her wasn’t any of our business. I’m real sorry about your sister, too. I hope she will get to be feeling better soon.”

  Ben looked caught off guard, then slowly nodded. “Danke.”

  After giving Sam a meaningful look, one that he hopefully took to mean that he needed to be extra friendly, Isaac went back into the kitchen.

  His mother was at the stove, a cast-iron skillet on the range and a bowl of cornmeal, and another of eggs and milk, in front of her. “At last! I got out everything to fry the fish, then you didn’t come in.”

  “Sorry. It took me a while.”

  “I saw you talking to Sam and Ben. Our new neighbor seems like a nice boy, don’t you think so?”

  “Yeah.” Isaac debated whether or not to tell his mom about what he heard, but he decided he needed her advice. “Hey, Mamm, I’ve got a story for you.”

  She held out her hands for the cutting board full of fish. “You can tell me while I fry up your catch.”

  After washing his hands, he sat down on one of the barstools surrounding the counter. “I think I made a huge mistake. I managed to offend both Ben and his older sister, Hannah, today.”

  “You better start at the beginning, Isaac.”

  So, he did. He told her about fishing and spying Hannah coming out of the woods. He told her how he’d called her The Recluse and had hurt her feelings. Then, how Sam had even shared that with Ben.

  His mother winced. “Oh, dear.”

  “Jah, Mamm. But it gets worse.” After taking a fortifying breath, he relayed what Ben had told them about what had happened to her back in Berlin.

  Her eyes widened. “That poor girl.”

  “I know, Mamm. She’s had a real tough time of it.”

  As she moved the fish in the hot oil, his mother said, “I’ll speak to Sam. I’ll make sure he knows to be nicer to her, and to reach out to her brother, too. That family needs some compassion.”

  “Yeah, they sure do.”

  Not noticing how lost Isaac sounded, his mother continued. “What’s more, that boy needs to be reminded that we never know what other people are going through until we spend time in their shoes. He needs to behave better and not be so judgmental. It’s not only the right way to behave—he’s a role model as well. Freeman watches everything he does, you know.”

  Though she mentioned Sam’s name, Isaac knew she was speaking to him. He was Sam’s role model.

  She was upset with him, and he deserved her disappointment, too.

  Now Isaac felt even worse. What had possessed him to act so childishly in the first place? He knew better. After being hospitalized with meningitis when he was thirteen, Isaac had vowed to treat others with kindness. He’d learned that one never knew what other people were going through or recovering from.

  How had he forgotten that? “Mamm, kids Sam’s age say thoughtless things all the time. But I’m twenty-two. I know better.”

  “You do. I’m certain you were taught to behave better.” Flipping the fish in the hot oil, she shrugged. “That said, you are also human, son. Everyone says things they shouldn’t from time to time.”

  “I need to make amends.”

  Her expression softened. “What do you think you should do?”

  “Go over and ask to speak to her. Then I’ll apologize.”

  “That’s a good start.”

  “I’ll talk to Sam, too. He needs to know that I was wrong and that I’m anxious to make things right.”

  “If you talk to him, I’m sure he’ll do whatever you suggest. He likes to do whatever his brother wants him to do.”

  He knew that. His little brother had always wanted to tag after him, just like he’d often tagged after Mary, their twenty-seven-year-old sister. Now she was married to James and had two babies of her own.

  He’d always been close to Mary, maybe because they’d grown up feeling responsible for their two baby brothers. Oh, there had been times when both he and Mary had thoroughly resented having to look after the younger siblings, but that didn’t last long. Probably because their father said over and over that they should both value their younger siblings’ feelings and understand that such devotion carried a huge responsibility.

  They were both role models.

  When he was younger, that hadn’t been an easy burden to bear. He hadn’t wanted to be anyone’s role model. Eventually, however, he’d enjoyed Sam’s attention. And as for Freeman? Well, their little towheaded sibling was quiet and studious. So different from them all, but also mighty easy to be around.

  Only today did he finally understand what his father had meant about bearing responsibility for one’s actions.

  “I’ll go over there tomorrow, Mamm.”

  “Tomorrow is for the Lord, Isaac,” she murmured as she removed the last fillet from the pan.

  “All right. Monday evening, then. I don’t know what I’ll say, but I’ll pray on it tonight. Maybe the Lord will take pity on me and give me some guidance.”

  “Oh, I imagine He might.” Smiling, she pushed a dish with some fried fish strips on it toward him. “After all, you did a mighty good job fishing for us today.”

  Taking a bite, he shook his head at his mother’s silly statement. But he couldn’t deny that the fried fish did taste pretty good.

  CHAPTER 5

  Monday, July 11

  I don’t understand why we have to write so many letters, Hannah,” Jenny complained around nine on Monday morning.

  The three of them, Jenny, Ben, and Hannah, were sitting at the kitchen table, working on assignments. Well, Jenny and Ben were. Kind of.

  Hannah was attempting to teach them how to work on their spelling skills. As usual, it wasn’t going so well.

  “Because it’s a good way for you to practice your English,” Hannah said for what had to be the tenth time that morning. “All Amish men and women need to know how to write properly in English. You should remember that from school in Berlin.”

  “We never had to write this much.” Glaring at her paper, Jenny said, “And I don’t care what anyone says, looking up a word in the dictionary to figure out how to spell it makes no sense.”

  Hannah grinned. “I don’t think you’re the first person to think that. But that’s the best way to check your spelling.”

  “If we had cell phones, we could use them to help us,
” Ben said.

  Hannah would be lying if she hadn’t thought the same thing many times. “Unfortunately, I don’t have one. And you don’t, either. That is why we are using dictionaries.”

  “Not yet. But the minute I start my rumspringa, I’m gonna get one,” Jenny declared. “It’s going to be great.”

  “Good luck with that,” Hannah said. “Mamm and Daed wouldn’t let me get a cell phone during my rumspringa and all of my girlfriends got them.”

  “Mamm will let me get one. I know she will,” Jenny said with a confident look.

  “Oh, brother,” Ben said. “Here she goes again. Hannah, can I stop now? I wrote my two letters like you wanted me to.”

  “Jah, sure,” she said. After Ben walked down the hall to his room, Hannah stared at Jenny. “Why are you so positive that Mamm will get you a phone?”

  “Because she feels guilty about moving us all here. She knows I’ve been miserable.”

  And here they went again. It seemed hardly a day could go by without one of her siblings bringing up the move and their irritation about it. Though it set her teeth on edge, Hannah decided to tackle the subject head-on. “It wasn’t Mamm’s fault. Or Daed’s, either,” she said quietly. “It was mine, and you know it, too. You don’t need to pretend otherwise.”

  Looking a little shamefaced, Jenny sighed. “I’m not trying to do that. And no matter what you think, I’m trying to learn to like it here. It would be easier if everything wasn’t so different.”

  “I know it’s different. I’m finding it that way, too,” she confided as the door opened and her parents came inside. “Hiya,” she called out. “Did you get your errands done?”

  “More or less,” Mamm said cryptically.

  After eyeing the two of them sitting at the kitchen table, their parents looked at each other and seemed to come to a decision.

  “Girls, we need to talk to you about something,” Daed began. Looking around the room, he frowned. “Where is Ben?”

  “In his room,” Jenny replied.

  “Go get him,” Daed ordered as he sat down next to Hannah. “Tell him to come and join us.”

  While Jenny walked down the hall to get Ben, her mother sat down with a weary sigh. She looked tired.

  “Mamm, do you want some coffee or water or something?”

  “Not right now,” she murmured as she rubbed her temples. “I had quite a bit of coffee at the— Earlier today.”

  Hannah noticed that her father was looking tired, too. Maybe even worse. When Jenny and Ben joined them, they looked wary, as if they were mentally preparing themselves for more bad news.

  Ben didn’t even try to hurry their parents to start speaking. Instead, he placed his hands flat on the seat of his chair, a habit he’d done since he was four or five years old.

  After sharing another look with their mother, their father spoke. “We have something to tell you. Something that we probably should have shared weeks ago,” he said. “You see . . . there’s, well . . . there’s another reason we moved here to Munfordville and it has nothing to do with Hannah being stalked by that Englisher.”

  “What is it?” Jenny asked.

  “I have cancer.”

  Hannah felt like the wind had just been knocked out of her. She felt dizzy, too. As she tried to process what she heard, Ben gasped and Jenny started crying.

  After a few seconds passed, Hannah said, “Daed, you said you should have told us weeks ago. When did you find out?”

  “Shortly after you brought home those photos that Trent took of you. I’d been coughing a lot, you see, and no medicine seemed to help.”

  Coughing? “What kind of cancer is it?”

  “Lung cancer.” Scratching his head, he said, “The doctor said that some folks get it who don’t smoke.”

  “We can’t pretend to understand,” their mother murmured as she rubbed their father’s back. “Only come to terms with it.”

  Hannah agreed with their mother’s pronouncement, but it was definitely hard to do. Especially when she was still feeling so shocked.

  “I don’t understand why we had to move if you have cancer, Daed,” Jenny blurted. “We lived close to the hospital back in Berlin. I heard it’s a real gut one, too.”

  He patted her hand. “It is a good one, but I don’t plan on visiting the hospital anytime soon.”

  “Why not?” Hannah asked. “Don’t you have to go there for chemotherapy treatments?” She remembered Kennedy, her manager at the country store, talking about her mother’s chemo treatments. It seemed they were always going back and forth to the hospital.

  “People do have to go there for chemotherapy,” their father agreed. “But I’m not going to be having those treatments.”

  Ben wrinkled his nose. “But I thought everyone did that.”

  “Jah. After all, ain’t that how people get better?” Jenny asked. Brightening, she said, “Hey, remember Anne Marie’s mother? She had breast cancer, got chemo and surgery and now she’s okay.”

  “Or can this kind of cancer not be treated like that?” Hannah asked.

  “It can be treated,” Mamm said slowly. “But your father has decided not to treat it.”

  “God had a reason for me to get lung cancer,” he said with conviction. “I don’t want to interfere with His wishes.”

  At last, what they were saying sunk in. “So you are telling us that Daed has lung cancer and is going to die from it,” Hannah whispered.

  “If the Lord doesn’t heal him, yes,” Mamm said.

  Ben looked angry. “But that makes no sense.”

  “It makes perfect sense,” their father said, his tone hard. “I’m a God-fearing man and I’m going to follow His word and His will.”

  Around a sigh, their mother said, “Today, we met with a local doctor and told him our wishes. He’s going to give your father some medicine for any pain he might be experiencing.” After looking like she was bracing herself, Mamm added, “We also had to give the hospital all my employment information.”

  Hannah was mystified. “What employment information?”

  “I got a job. I’m going to be working in a shipping company near here. They need someone to help take phone orders, and to pack boxes and prepare them to be shipped. It’s a real gut job.”

  “You had all of this in mind when we moved here, didn’t you?” Jenny curved her hands around the arms of her chair, as if she needed its support.

  “We did. We got a good price on the house and land. Here, we bought a smaller house. That money allows your father to stay home and rest. I had been talking to folks about jobs, too.” She smiled weakly. “So today is kind of a big day. I have a job and your father has a plan.”

  “And you decided to tell us a big secret,” Ben said slowly. He blinked. Blinked again. “I canna believe you are so sick, Daed,” he said, his voice raspy and strained. “This is terrible news.”

  “I know my news has been hard to hear, but we are going to be all right.”

  “Not really,” Ben said. “You ain’t going to get better. Not at all.”

  Jenny was crying openly now. “Why is everything happening to us?” she asked. “It’s not fair.”

  “The Lord didn’t promise us fairness, child,” Daed said, his voice sounding as strained as the rest of them undoubtedly felt. “He only promised that we would get to live our lives in the way He planned for us.”

  “Well, I sure wish He would have warned me that my life was going to be like this,” Jenny said as she got up and ran to her room. “It would have been nice to be prepared.”

  Leaning back in her chair, Hannah closed her eyes. It didn’t happen very often, but at that moment, she was in complete agreement with her sister.

  CHAPTER 6

  Monday, July 11

  Using her mother’s need for a fresh gallon of milk as an excuse, Jenny headed into town. After her parents had calmly shared their real reason for moving them to Kentucky, she’d been in a daze.

  No matter how hard she’d tri
ed to think of anything else, even attempting to lose herself in one of her forbidden books, nothing could block out the pain she was feeling.

  Or the guilt.

  For three months now, she’d concentrated all of her bitterness and confusion and placed it firmly on her older sister’s shoulders. Even her heart had told her that her resentment toward Hannah wasn’t fair, yet she’d continued to be difficult and mean.

  Even when her brain had figured out that Hannah’s stalker wasn’t going to quit and that they’d needed to do something to help her, Jenny had continued to blame her sister.

  Now she was being forced to not only realize that she’d been so very unfair, but there was a whole other matter that was so much more important.

  Her father had cancer. Her father was going to die.

  Her throat tightened again as she imagined a life without him. Imagined him suffering. Thought about their mother having to continue on her own without Daed by her side.

  It wasn’t just unfair, it was heartbreaking.

  Two hours after her parents had told them their news, she’d been unable to stand her own company. Venturing out into the kitchen, she’d found her mother sitting alone at the table, staring blankly at one of her cookbooks. When she’d mentioned that she was trying to find the strength to go get a gallon of milk, Jenny had jumped at the chance to be of help.

  Her mother had accepted gratefully.

  One of the benefits to their new house was that it was on a small lot in town, not nestled in the middle of several acres of farmland like their previous one. Because of that, it was fairly easy for all of them to walk to wherever they needed to go.

  One of the first places she’d started visiting on her own was A&L Grocery. It was just a small, quaint store. It had a good deli and bakery, but other than that, there wasn’t a whole lot to it. However, Jenny had always felt like it was so much more than just a place to get a sandwich or necessities. It felt like a comfortable meeting place.

  It was owned by a friendly older Mennonite couple who had learned her name after she’d been in their store just one time.