Her Secret

by Shelley Shepard Gray

“But he didn’t.”

  “Nee.” Staring forward now, she added, “And that was what was so strange. He seemed to agree with me. Once I told him that I had made up my mind, I was going to join the church and be baptized so I couldn’t continue seeing him, I hardly saw him.”

  “But then you did?”

  She nodded. “Every once in a while, he would show up at the restaurant with daisies for me. Once he was at the library when I was there.”

  “Did he approach you then?”

  “Nee. He just stared at me, which made me feel embarrassed. But then, weeks after that, the notes started.”

  Isaac was flabbergasted. “I’d assumed this man’s infatuation only lasted a couple of weeks.”

  “Nee, it was longer than that. Much longer. I hung around him when I was eighteen. We only dated—if you could even call it that—for a couple of weeks. It wasn’t anything serious. It wasn’t until several months later that he gave me the first batch of daisies.”

  “And now you are twenty.” She’d been dealing with this man’s unwanted advances for almost two years.

  “Jah. Now I am twenty. I really wish I could go back and tell my younger self to be far more circumspect. It would have saved me a lot of pain.”

  “I think all of us wish we could do that. Everyone makes poor choices. But what is happening to you ain’t your fault. You are not to blame.”

  Her eyes widened.

  “You’re right. Thank you for reminding me of that.”

  “No problem.” Smiling, he said, “You know what? We’re turning into a mighty gut pair.”

  She tucked her head, but not quickly enough to hide her smile. “Indeed.”

  He knew he’d keep those words and that smile close to his heart for days.

  CHAPTER 14

  Wednesday, August 3

  Their parents were gone for the day. They’d kept their destination a secret, but Hannah hoped that they were going to see the doctor again. Her father looked weaker and her mother looked more stressed as each day passed.

  As usual, Hannah was home. She was cooking supper and supposedly keeping tabs on Jenny. Supposedly was the key word, because Jenny was acting particularly sullen. That was probably because she had gotten in trouble for ignoring most of her chores. When Daed had found out, he’d grounded her for the week.

  But while Jenny was the one who had disobeyed her parents, Hannah was feeling that she was the one being punished. Jenny couldn’t be more difficult if she tried.

  Looking over her shoulder at her sister yet again, she said, “Jenny, if you don’t want to help me make bread or cookies for the sandwich sale, you are going to have to do your studies.”

  “I’m too old for the assignments you gave me.”

  “If it’s that easy for ya, then you should have no problem finishing it quickly. Ain’t so?” She took care to keep her voice light, because if there was one thing she actually did know, it was that Jenny was not finding the work too easy.

  In fact, she was having such a hard time, she was putting it off as long as she could.

  Jenny glared at her. “You have no idea what you’re talking about.”

  “I think I do. I did much of that same work when I was fourteen.”

  “Well, Shane says no one needs to know anything about national parks.” She tossed her head. “Especially Amish girls.”

  “You know that’s not true. We’re American. Most Americans know quite a bit about Yosemite and Yellowstone and the Grand Canyon.”

  “It ain’t like I’m ever going to see such things.”

  “Of course you might. We know lots of Amish who go on bus vacations. Why, Kirsten and I had always planned to go on a trip.”

  “Where to?”

  “Pinecraft.”

  Jenny picked up her pencil and started to doodle on the top of the page. “But you don’t want to go any longer?”

  Hannah paused before answering. She’d heard something new in her sister’s voice. Something that sounded a lot like hope in the middle of all that bitterness. “What is this really about? Are you wishing you were traveling now or something?”

  “What’s wrong with me can’t be solved by going on a bus trip, Hannah.”

  “What will solve it?”

  “Leaving here. Doing something different. Being someone different.”

  “Jenny, just talk to me.”

  “That’s what we’ve been doing.”

  “Nee, I mean, talk to me. Really talk to me. What is upsetting you so much? I know you miss your friends back in Berlin, but I’m starting to get the feeling that missing your friends ain’t at the heart of what’s really going on.” Wondering who this Shane person was, she asked, “Does it have to do with Shane?”

  Jenny swallowed. “Nee. I mean, not really.”

  Feeling like her sister had finally given her a small opening, she said, “Who is Shane?”

  “No one you know.”

  “Oh? Why is that?”

  “Because you don’t,” Jenny snapped.

  Oh, but Jenny could be trying! Needing a moment, Hannah picked up the knife and carefully started slicing a carrot. “You may not believe me, but I really do just want to help you. What is wrong?”

  For a long moment, Hannah wondered if her sister was going to answer her at all.

  Hannah next picked up an onion and started slicing it, hoping that the break would compel Jenny to finally speak to her honestly.

  “I feel so stuck,” Jenny blurted, her eyes suddenly filling with tears. “Everything is different, but it’s also just the same. The same as it ever was.”

  “Because we’re Amish?” When Jenny looked ready to bolt, Hannah turned away from the cutting board and walked to her side.

  “It’s . . . it’s the fact that we moved. That we are living in this little house. That Daed is sick and you are afraid of everyone and everything. It’s that Mamm is working long hours and looking tired.”

  Hannah knew all these things. She also knew that any one of those items could bother anyone, most especially a fourteen-year-old girl.

  However, Hannah was pretty sure that wasn’t everything.

  That was why she sat down in the chair next to Jenny and clasped her hand. Silently conveying that she wasn’t alone. Not by a long shot.

  The tension between them grew, slowly became even more strained. Jenny looked like she was not only ready to tell Hannah everything but also that she was scared to utter a word.

  Another minute passed.

  Jenny opened her mouth. Shut it. At last, she blurted, “I think what happened to you is my fault.”

  Nothing could have been more surprising. Biting back an instant response, Hannah took her time to form her words, trying her best to keep them easy and calm. “Why would you say that?”

  Jenny licked her bottom lip. Swallowed. Inhaled. “Trent used to write me little notes after you broke things off with him.”

  Anger and hurt rushed through Hannah. “I don’t understand,” she bit out, trying her best to keep from jumping to her feet and yelling. “You’re telling me that you saw Trent privately?”

  “Nee! I’ve never met him.”

  “Then I don’t understand. Please, explain yourself. Now.” She let go of Jenny’s hand and folded her arms across her chest in a small attempt to prepare herself with the realization that Jenny had likely betrayed her.

  Jenny took a breath, then mumbled, “A couple of months after you broke up with him, I found a note in my backpack.” Blushing now, she said, “It was just a little note. Saying that he had heard a lot about me and was sad that we had never met in person.” After a pause, she added, “He asked if we could become pen pals.”

  “What did you do?”

  “I wrote him back and said yes.”

  “Jenny, how could you?”

  Jenny winced. “I know what it sounds like, but it wasn’t like that. I was twelve back then. He seemed nice. We had a secret spot to leave each other notes. It was fun.”

 
; Hannah could hardly wrap her head around what she was hearing. “So all the while he was tormenting me, you were being his secret friend?”

  “Nee.”

  “It sure sounds that way.”

  “It wasn’t. All we did was write each other little notes once or twice a month. I’d tell him about my day and he would act like he cared.”

  “Oh, Jenny.” Hannah ached to yell at her. To tell her that she couldn’t believe anyone could be so naïve, but that would be the pot calling the kettle black. At first, she’d been caught up in Trent’s attention, too.

  And what better way than to encourage a young girl than to write secret notes?

  Tears were running down Jenny’s cheeks now. “Please don’t hate me. I didn’t know he was bad. I just thought you didn’t like him anymore. I felt sorry for him.”

  “He used you. He took advantage of you.”

  “I . . . I was flattered by his attentions.” Gazing at Hannah, she said, “You are so pretty, Hannah. Everyone says so. And smart. My teacher used to ask me why I wasn’t smart like you.”

  “You are smart.”

  “Not like you.” Grabbing a napkin from the holder in the center of the table, she blew her nose. Then blurted, “You are so good, too. You always do what’s expected of you.”

  “Not hardly.”

  “You used to. That is why I wrote to him for so long. But I promise, when he started doing mean things to you, I stopped.”

  “Did he get mad at you?”

  Jenny shrugged. “I don’t know. I just stopped going to the spot where we traded letters.” Releasing a ragged sigh, Jenny continued. “Then Trent sent those photographs to you. I guess he sent them to you because I wasn’t nice to him anymore.”

  “None of this was your fault. He would have done those things to me even if you hadn’t written him notes,” Hannah said. “He used you, and I’m very sorry for that.”

  “I’m sorry, too.” Jenny blinked rapidly, obviously trying hard to stop crying.

  Hannah felt for her, but knew she had to be honest. “I wish you would have told me about this months ago.”

  “I was too ashamed.” Closing her eyes, she added, “Plus, I knew you’d be mad at me.”

  Hannah knew Jenny needed some reassurance. She needed it like she needed to breathe. And because, very recently, she’d ached for some reassurances of her own but had instead felt forgotten, Hannah gave her sister what she needed, even though she was hurting. “Trent was wily. He used his looks and flattery and whatever else he could think of to manipulate me. It’s obvious he did that to you, too.”

  Jenny relaxed slightly. “He made me feel good—even when I knew deep inside that what he told me were lies.”

  “I’m so sorry.”

  Jenny sniffed. “I know. It makes no sense, right? I mean, you are so pretty. Much prettier than me. Everyone has always said that. Why would I think that he would ever think that I was special, too?”

  “First, you are special. You know that I’m not prettier than you. Looks don’t matter much, anyway.”

  Jenny scoffed. “Of course they do. Look at me. I’m all arms and legs. You were never like that.”

  “Sure I was.” Choosing each of her words with care, she said, “Jenny, I am six years older than you. When you are twenty, I’m sure you’ll look much like me, but even better, because you’ll look like you.” She smiled, but she feared her words sounded as brittle as she felt inside. Was Trent’s pursuit of her compounded by Jenny’s jealousy?

  And had Jenny ignored all that their parents had taught her? Did she really think one’s looks mattered so much? Had she become that vain?

  “Sometimes, Trent would ask me about you,” Jenny blurted as if she needed to finally purge all of her secrets. “He’d ask me about your schedule. About what you did. If you were seeing anyone new.”

  All of it was hard to hear, but Hannah did her best to be nonjudgmental and listen.

  “What did you say?”

  Looking even more ravaged, Jenny said, “I told him. I used to tell him all about you.”

  “But I didn’t do anything. I worked and went to the library, and did things with Kirsten. I helped out at home.”

  “I told him that. At first.”

  Foreboding filled her. “But then?”

  “But then that wasn’t good enough. So I made something up. I told him you’d found a new boyfriend who you were seeing secretly. That really made him mad.”

  Everything inside of her was screaming for her to tell Jenny to stop. To stop talking. To stop saying such things. But she needed to hear the whole story. It had stopped being about Jenny and about her again. She needed to understand. “What, exactly, did you tell him, sister?”

  “I told him that the man you were seeing was a customer. That you were in love.”

  “I canna believe you did such a thing.”

  “That was why Trent started taking pictures of you, so he could catch you with this man. He would ask me to leave daisies at places where you were going to be.”

  “That is how they got there. It was because of you. Not him?”

  Looking thoroughly miserable, she nodded.

  Remembering something else, Hannah asked, “Did you bring those daisies to Mamm? Does she think they’re from work but they’re really from you?”

  “Definitely not! They were as much of a shock to me as they were to you.”

  Hannah stared at her hard. “Are you telling the truth or lying?”

  “I’m telling the truth. That’s why I cut them up. Because seeing them scared me, too. When I saw them, I thought it meant that he was here.”

  “Have you stayed in contact with him? Does he know where we are?”

  “Nee.”

  “When did you stop talking to him?”

  “I stopped right before he sent you that packet. When he didn’t see you with another man, he got angry with me. He said he didn’t need me anymore. And that’s when I realized that he’d never liked me in the first place. He had just been pretending to be nice so I would give him information about you.” Tears were now falling down her face, dropping unchecked onto her chest and lap and the table, too. “He’d never thought of me as anything but a way to get to you.”

  “He is evil, Jenny. He used me when I was wanting to be flattered by his attentions. Then he used you when he wanted something he couldn’t have. What he did wasn’t your fault.”

  “Are you ever going to be able to forgive me?”

  Hannah blinked. She noticed then that Jenny was holding her hand tightly, almost as if she was afraid that Hannah was going to let it go.

  Placing her other palm on Jenny’s hand, so her hand was cradled in both of hers, she spoke from the heart. “Of course, I will forgive you.”

  “Really? I wouldn’t.”

  “Am I hurt? Yes, I am. Do I wish you hadn’t kept such a big secret from me and Mamm and Daed, and Ben, too? Yes, I do. I wish you would have told us.”

  “They would have hated me.”

  “They would have been disappointed, but they wouldn’t have hated you. Actually, I think they would have felt relief. Now so much of what happened back in Berlin makes sense.”

  “I’m so sorry, Hannah.”

  Hannah hadn’t realized it, but that was what she’d needed to hear. She could forgive anything if there was true remorse, and there was. Jenny was obviously remorseful about what she’d done.

  “Is there anything else that’s made you so upset and worried?” She raised an eyebrow. “Another terrible secret you wish to unload? If so, now would be a gut time to share it.”

  Jenny smiled. “Nee.” Her eyes widened and she slapped a hand over her mouth. “I can’t believe I’m smiling right now.”

  “Don’t even think of apologizing for that.” Realizing how much better seeing her sister’s happiness made her feel, she said, “Your smile feels like a rainbow. Something pretty to look at after a terrible storm.” She smiled back at Jenny, feeling lighter than she ha
d in weeks.

  Of course they were going to have to revisit everything Jenny had done, but for now, it felt like Jenny was finally coming back to her, and Hannah was grateful for that.

  Standing up, she held out her hands. “Give me a hug. Then we’ll work on supper.”

  Jenny’s chair scraped back as she surged to her feet and launched herself into Hannah’s arms. “I really am sorry. And I love you, Hannah.”

  “I love you, too. No matter what happens, I will always love you.” After giving her a little squeeze, she pulled away. “Now. Let’s put away these books, wash our faces, and work on supper.”

  Jenny had just turned to pick up the textbooks when the door was flung open and Ben, Sam, and Isaac walked in.

  All three of them looked tense and worried.

  Hannah turned to them. “What happened?”

  “Maybe you should sit down, Hannah,” Isaac said.

  She saw something in Isaac’s eyes that gave her chills. “Is it about our parents?” Grasping at straws, she blurted, “Is my father worse?”

  “It ain’t about Daed,” Ben blurted out, breaking her connection with Isaac.

  “What is it about, then?”

  He inhaled deeply, making her wonder if he was having trouble catching his breath from running or because he was so scared or upset.

  “Ben!” Jenny said. “What is wrong?”

  To their surprise, it was Sam who addressed their confusion. He held up a trio of daisies, encased in a single sheet of red tissue paper and secured with a black satin ribbon.

  “We thought we saw him,” Ben blurted. “Sam and I were walking on that path in the woods and there was a man up ahead of us. He looked just the way you described Trent. When I called out to him, he ran.”

  “Where did you get the flowers?”

  “They were on your doorstep,” Isaac said, his expression serious.

  “That’s not all, though, Hannah,” Ben said quietly.

  He held out a manila envelope. “We think he left you this, too.”

  Showing that her worst fear had become a reality. Trent had returned to taunt her again.

  She closed her eyes. “Oh, my heavens. He’s done it again. He’s taken my picture.”

  CHAPTER 15