by Emily Camp
“I … I … I remember having strong feelings for you. In a way, I’ve always loved you.”
He nodded and let go of me, stepping away leaving room for the cold to seep between us. “That’s what I thought.”
“What?”
“Nothing.” He ran his hand over his dark hair, it fell into his eyes then said, “I think you should go.”
Defeated, I crawled through the hole in the floor. I may not have been able to remember much, but somehow I think that Henry and I had gone too far to come back from whatever happened.
Henry and I made sense. We grew up together. Even though he wasn’t literally ‘the boy next door’ it was kind of like that. We went so much further back in history than I did with Trey. Three years ago, which to me was only a few weeks ago, I never would have imagined myself with Henry. Now, I couldn’t get him out of my mind. The way his hair hung over his forehead, barely missing his eyes. How sharp his jaw line had become in the last three years. How tall and thin he was now compared to what he was like as a boy. For years I was taller than him. It wasn’t until we danced at freshman homecoming that I’d noticed he was slightly taller than me. Now he towered about a foot above me.
But all these things no longer mattered, because we were done now. It was over, in the past and there was no going back to where we were.
Chapter 24
High school was supposed to be the time of my life. When I started ninth grade I was filled with wonder at what was ahead of me. All the dances, ball games, and parties I’d attend with friends. I hated that I had the friends, all the friends I could ask for, but no Henry and no memories.
I flopped back on my bed in frustration. I opened my eyes and flicked toward the picture that had fallen. I almost didn’t see it. I didn’t remember it’s fall from my wall. I had to squint to make sure that I wasn’t imagining things. There in the corner stuck a piece of paper out of the frame. I hurried to the picture, careful not to touch any sharp pieces of glass, I needed answers, not stiches.
I took the paper out from behind the picture and carefully unfolded it. I was hoping it was a letter from someone that I could compare handwriting with the message in my journal. But it wasn’t, it was my own handwriting. That and it was clearly a page torn out of my journal with the jagged edge. Maybe it wasn’t somebody trying to hide things from me after all, maybe it was my own doing.
I saw you at the dance tonight.
You were with another.
So was I.
I miss you.
But I’d miss him too.
It was short and unclear, but unless there was someone else I had been secretly seeing, this had to be about Henry. Why was it behind a picture of me and Trey? I turned the paper over, searching for any other clue. A date, a name, something. But there was nothing. That was it. One thing I did know was that Trey was the one I was with that I would miss. That tells me I did have feelings for him, and it explained why I hadn’t broken up with him.
This paper made me wonder what other things I had hidden in this room. What pages were hidden in the crevices with my deepest secrets. It was like they were all right here, but yet not because I didn’t even know the first place to look. I did have a few picture frames I could check behind.
When there was a knock on my door, I jumped and shoved the page in my desk.
I opened my door, Trey was standing on the other side, his blond hair spiked and he wore a faded blue football tee which was tight across his chest and biceps. “You weren’t answering my texts.” He shoved his hands in the pockets of his jeans.
“I was napping.” I said, because even though I couldn’t remember my feelings for him, I wasn’t cruel enough to tell him I had been at Henry’s.
“I was worried. Have you remembered anything?”
My first thought was why he was worried about me remembering? I’d compared the handwritings, there was no way he was the one who left the message for me in my journal, therefore no way he was the one who tried to hurt me. But what else was he hiding?
“I haven’t.” I sat on the chair by my desk, as if blocking him from the paper in that drawer.
“Are you coming to the game Friday?”
“I don’t know,” I said.
“I know it’s like an hour away, but you and Nadia usually ride to the away games together.”
The way the last game turned out, I wasn’t sure I wanted to ride with anyone and be stuck there if I felt like leaving. But I said, “I could ask her.”
My stomach growled audibly, and I felt my face flush when it did.
“You wanna go get pizza?” He smirked. “You can’t tell me you’re not hungry, your stomach says otherwise.”
And because I didn’t have any other good excuse to say no, and I couldn’t remember the last time I had pizza, I said, “Pizza sounds great.”
I grabbed my light jacket.
Trey’s hand was on my back and we were walking out the door when Benji said, “Where are you going?”
I stopped and turned toward him, “I’m going to get dinner with my boyfriend.”
Benji glared at Trey. “I’m making dinner.”
“We’re getting pizza,” I said. Since when did he get to pretend he was my dad?
“You’re supposed to stay here.” His jaw ticked.
“I don’t remember that being part of the rules.”
Trey took his hand off my back and put his entire arm around my shoulders. “Hey man, I’ll take care of her.”
“I bet you will.” He narrowed his eyes.
“Why are you begin so weird?” I asked just as my dad pulled in. “Oh look, there’s my real dad.” I pushed the front door open. Trey followed me out.
“I’m allowed to go get pizza with my boyfriend, right?” I asked as my dad climbed out of his car.
“Yeah?” He looked at me like I’d grown a third eye. “Why?”
“Can you tell my babysitter that?”
“I … okay?” He shut his door, then added, “Have her home by nine thirty, it’s a school night.”
Now that sounded more like the dad I knew.
Sitting in Trey’s car seemed familiar enough. I wasn’t sure if it was the few times he’d taken me to school that I was comparing it to, but it felt like I’d sat here more often than that.
“What was that with Benji?” Trey said.
“I’m kind of mad at him right now.” I reached for the knob on the radio.
“You’re back to your old self.”
My hand hovered over the volume tuner. “What are you talking about?”
“You were always pissed at him before. It was like you two were real brother and sister.”
“We were?”
Benji played it off to seem like we were close.
“Yeah, that’s why it’s so weird that you’ve been being so nice to him.”
Chapter 25
I barreled down the stairs, the dork that was my step-brother was on the sofa with his recent girlfriend. I think her name was Kara. I didn’t keep track.
“Where are you going?” Benji asked.
“None of your business.” My keys jingled in my hand and I didn’t even look at him.
I should have known he wasn’t going to leave it at that. His hand was on the girl’s knee. “Bye Lacey.”
I wasn’t sure if she was Lacey or Kara, but I hoped I was wrong. I thought I’d be gaining a best friend, a protector maybe, in a big brother. But all he had been was another person who thought they could tell me what to do.
I was out the door before he and Kara/Lacey could respond. I climbed into the back of Drew’s truck, where Trey sat smiling. My gut twisted when I looked at him. I had to tell him tonight.
Trey instantly grabbed my cheeks and planted a kiss on me. I wasn’t expecting that. After kissing Henry the last few weeks, it wasn’t as familiar as before. I let out a soft laugh as I leaned away.
“Hey now, keep this PG-13.” Drew bellowed from the front seat.
Trey ran his
thumb over my cheek and started to come toward me again, his grin and hunger telling me that he might want to be more than PG-13.
“Whoa.” I planted my hand against his hard chest. He was definitely more muscular than Henry. I wasn’t sure if he gained that while he was gone or I just wasn’t used to it now.
“What? I missed you.” His voice a husky whisper that I could barely hear above the loud engine as we sped down the street.
“Not here.” I fidgeted. I was going to give him tonight, I’d told myself. I didn’t want to tell him now, I wanted one last night with my friends before I broke it off. I wondered after the break up how our little group would go. Would Ryan and Drew still be my friends, not that I cared if Ryan was or not, but Drew was a good guy. What about Nadia? She was almost like one of the guys.
“Drew can drop us off at my house.” I was certain Drew couldn’t hear him, because he would have had some commentary to add to that.
“I want to see our friends,” I said.
He puckered out his lip, making him look adorable. Why was I doing this to myself? I should just rip it off like a band aid, right?
“Trey.”
He gave a dramatic sigh, “I haven’t kissed my girl in three weeks.”
“And once we say hi to everybody you can again.” Though I felt guilty as the words left my mouth when I had every intention of breaking up with him.
We walked into Ryan’s house. Drew bouncing on the balls of his feet. Ryan’s mom greeted us at the door. She held out her hand, palm up. “Keys.”
Drew sighed and handed them over. She smiled then looked at Trey and me. Even though she was the mom that allowed the parties as long as no one drove home, I still felt awkward to have Trey hanging on me. I wiggled away from him.
“I didn’t drive,” Trey said.
“Behave.” She stepped aside and let us through motioning toward the basement door.
Here it was. Trey had been gone for three weeks and it seemed like it’d been just as long since I’d seen everyone else. Drew barreled down the wooden steps, Trey and I behind him. “Hey, y’all the party has arrived!” Drew held his fists in the air.
Everyone erupted in cheers, giving Trey and Drew fist bumps and half-hugs as if it’d been years not weeks since they’d been here.
“Hope you got that baseball shit out of your system and are ready for football.” Ryan hooted. Everyone cheered again.
Ambrosia sauntered toward us, a smug smile on her face, and a purple beer in her hand. It was winter when Ryan started throwing these. It wasn’t like there were a lot of us, sometimes 20 or so, but I still hadn’t drank much. The main reason, I hadn’t found anything I liked. The guys always had beer. I tried it, but I couldn’t get past that taste to get the buzz everyone always talked about.
“Haven’t seen you lately.” her narrow eyes looked me up and down.
“I’ve been at home.”
“You’re really tan. Haven’t seen you at the pool.” Ambrosia was a lifeguard. The reason I didn’t go to the pool all this time.
“There’s sun in my backyard.” I laughed, it was forced then I said, “What are you drinking.”
“Grape Smirnoff.” She held the bottle toward me. “Wanna try?”
“No, that’s okay,” I said. Ryan called Trey to him. The guys were all gathered around the sofa, either beers or video game controls in their hands.
Trey gave me a kiss then joined them. Though I wanted to see my friends tonight, I didn’t want to be stuck with Ambrosia.
“It’s really good, can’t even taste the alcohol,” she said.
“I’m okay,.” I said, because the last thing I needed tonight was something clouding my judgement. My mind needed to be clear so I could do what I needed to. Seeing Trey sitting over there in his crisp, blue Nike shirt and khaki shorts, his hair cut short and his skin sun kissed, I wasn’t sure if I wanted to break up with him.
The basement door opened, I looked to the top of the stairs wishing it was Nadia. Instead, my breath hitched when it was Henry standing there. What was he doing here?
“Nash, you made it!” Ryan shouted over the chaos. He grabbed a beer from the cooler, already toting one, he carried it to Henry who seemed to move slowly down the stairs. Always the perfect host.
I looked at Henry quizzically.
He shrugged.
“Is that Henry Nash?” Ambrosia said, her eyes practically bugging out of her head. In that moment I wanted to slap her. “This summer was good to him.”
It was true when we let out for the summer, his face was still a little round. His hair was long, but seemed to have no shape. Now it was floppy and bleached from the sun. His chin was square from losing the baby fat he had and his skin tanned thanks to our days at the lake.
I made myself look away from Henry and toward Trey. I couldn’t do this tonight now, not with both of them here.
“Maybe I will have one of those.” I held out my hand.
Ambrosia grinned and handed me hers. I was pleasantly surprised to find it tasted more like soda than it did alcohol.
***
Trey patted his lap when Ambrosia and I made our way to the guys. I looked at Henry, who sat on the ground staring straight ahead at the football video game going on like he was making an effort not to look at me.
This wasn’t the place to do this. This was supposed to be my night, one last night with my friends and he had to come in and invaded it as if he was making sure I was going to break up with Trey. When I sat on Trey’s lap, because there was nowhere else to sit, Henry glanced our way then took a sip of his beer.
“I’ve missed you.” Trey hugged my waist and kissed my cheek. He already smelled like a brewery. I wasn’t sure what number he was on by now.
Ambrosia turned her flirt on and sat super close to Henry, tossing her hair and giggling loud for all to hear. She put a hand on Henry’s forearm and leaned toward him. “You should come to the pool sometime.”
“I prefer the lake.” He glanced at me. I clenched my jaw.
“Let’s go to the back room.” Trey whispered in my ear. The back room was where everyone went for privacy. Where we took turns making out.
I shrugged away from him. Downing the last of my drink. “Amby, can I have another.” I held up the bottle. That served two purposes, to get Ambrosia away from Henry, and to avoid going to the back room with Trey. We were here to hang out with friends tonight, not make out.
Ambrosia smiled a pink-lipped smile. “Absolutely.”
She stood and made her way to the cooler.
Chapter 26
I hadn’t been prepared for the ambush that came with arriving at the pizza place. Nadia was here, so was Ambrosia. From what I gather we weren’t that close but were friends. Superficial if you may. All of Trey’s friends, the football players were sitting around a couple of tables pushed together. This was where Nadia and Ambrosia were.
“Chug it,” Ryan said with a belch and Nadia did as he dared. Then slapped the glassed on the table and let out a belch herself. The boys cheered.
She beamed, and when she saw us, she waved us over. “T.O. and Sawyer.”
The table then chanted T.O. I never remembered that being Trey’s nickname but the other night, at the game, the student section shouted it.
Nadia slid over, making room for us. Trey sat first, then pulled me onto his lap because there wasn’t enough room otherwise. I felt awkward doing this. His arms wrapped around my waist and all I could think about was if this would feel as awkward if I was with Henry?
Ambrosia’s elbow rested on Ryan’s shoulder as she leaned over him. It looked as if she was reading the text he was sending as he sipped on the straw sticking out of his glass.
“How’s married life?” Drew looked over at us and hooked an arm around Nadia’s shoulders. Nadia curled her lip and pushed his hand away.
“Alright.” Trey squeezed me around the waist.
I had to force a smile because I didn’t like being referred to as married. M
aybe this was normal, but it wasn’t for me.
“I’m going to go to the restroom.” I removed Trey’s arms from me. Geez, it was like he thought I was going to leave him.
Nadia gave me a sideways look but went right back to her conversation with Ambrosia and Ryan before I walked away.
I went into the stall and took a deep breath. It wasn’t that I needed to use the bathroom, I just needed space. I leaned against the door and looked up at the ceiling when I heard the door swing open.
“Did you see her?” A voice echoed in the bathroom.
“Yeah, of course, she’s all over him.” The girl’s voice had a twang to it.
“Do you even believe she doesn’t remember anything?”
My heart hammered, were they talking about me?
“I don’t buy it. She just wants attention.”
How and why would I fake this?
“She just wants us to think she forgot.”
Forgot about what? Who were these girls?
“Trey’s so much cuter than that guy.”
The room was suffocating and I needed to get out of here, but couldn’t until they were gone. As much as I wanted to see who was saying this about me, I didn’t want confrontation.
“He’s her step-brother.”
“They’ve totally hooked up.”
I cringed. Benji?
“Gross.”
“Did you see the way he looked at her, like he wanted to devour her and you could tell she was loving every minute of it.”
The door swung open again. “You two done gossiping yet?” It was Nadia’s voice. The first time I’d been relieved to hear it.
“Sawyer, Trey wanted me to see if you’re alright in here.”
My stomach dropped. At least I had Nadia here for back up. I didn’t know where it came from, but I had a new confidence. I pulled myself together and straightened my shoulders walking out of the stall. Two girls were standing there wide-eyed and jaws dropped. I didn’t recognize either. But I looked them right in the eyes and gave them a sickening sweet smile. There was something in me that clicked and I liked the fear on their faces. But what did they think I was pretending to forget with Benji? Things weren’t adding up here.
