by Emily Camp
“I’m fine, Dia.” I didn’t know where the nickname came from either. I washed my hands while watching the girls through their reflection.
“You know we would never.” One of them started to say.
I held a hand up and said, “Whatever.”
Then followed Nadia out the door.
“And she’s baaaack.” Nadia sing-songed.
“Not really.”
“But you just totally told Camden and Raeleigh.”
“I don’t recall knowing either one of them, but they apparently know more about me than I do.”
“That’s nothing new,” Nadia said. “What about the nickname?”
“I don’t know where that came from either.”
“I do.” Nadia hooked her arm around me. “My bestie is back.”
“Not really.”
“She’s still in there somewhere,” she said.
“I got your pizza.” Trey moved out of the booth so Nadia could slide in beside him. Again, I was planted on his lap. I thought back to the girls in the restroom. Did something happen with Benji? What did they see? But I couldn’t really ask them now. I saw them walking back to their table. They glanced my way, but when they saw me staring, looked away just as quickly.
Trey slid my pizza in front of me. It was awfully thin almost like a piece of paper. I lifted it and looked underneath as if there were more under there.
“Low carb, like always,” he said.
I took a hesitant bite. What was this? That didn’t even taste like crust. But I chewed and swallowed anyway. I took a sip of my water, though I really wouldn’t mind a Coke right now. I watched the guys pick up their big, gooey cheesy thick-crust slices. The grease dripping onto the table. My mouth watered then I went back to chewing cardboard.
“Do you want a piece?” Nadia pointed to the pizza in the middle of the table that was not mine.
“Sawyer doesn’t eat that,” Trey said, “she always has the low carb.”
“In case you haven’t noticed, she’s not the same Sawyer.” Nadia handed me a slice.
“Yes.” I took the piece of pizza in my hand. It was hot and greasy. I lifted it to my mouth and took a big bite. Chewy crust, salty, greasy cheese, tangy red sauce, it tasted like heaven.
The guys around the table cheered and so did Nadia as if she was one of them.
“That’s my girl,” Trey tightened his grip around my waist as if eating something unhealthy was something to be proud of. No carb, cardboard pizza? If this was the way I ate, no wonder I was so skinny.
“Right.” Nadia nudged me with her fist. I almost fell off Trey’s lap. The table roared with a chant of my name. I found this a little embarrassing. Though I did notice out of the corner of my eye, Ambrosia wasn’t cheering with the rest of them. Despite her unimpressed look, I actually did feel like I was someone who belonged here. Like these were my people.
I left that restaurant with a full stomach, something I figure hadn’t happened for a while.
Chapter 27
My eyes caught Henry’s as we passed him. He looked from me then to Trey and scowled. My heart dropped to my stomach. I hated feeling like Henry was judging me.
Trey and I made it to lunch and I slid beside Nadia. Ambrosia sat across from us. Her arm on Brendan as she conversed with me. Something she hadn’t attempted much since I’d been back.
“You remember that night, Sawyer?” Ambrosia leaned closer to Brendan.
“She doesn’t remember everything.” Trey said with his lips pursed and eyes wide. As if there was something Ambrosia knew that Trey didn’t want me to remember.
“Someone tried to kill you and you don’t remember who. It could be anyone,” Ambrosia smirked.
“Amby, stop,” Nadia warned.
“I’m just saying. It could be anyone here. For all you know, it could have been …” She looked around the table at all the glares her way and smirked. “Me.”
“Shut up.” Brendan leaned enough that her arm fell.
“Was it you, Brendan?” Then she looked across the table, “Or perhaps it was your loving boyfriend.” She looked at Trey, who’s nostrils were flared.
“Enough,” he said.
“Too close to home? It could have been the bestie.” She challenged Nadia with a stare.
“Why would I have done that?” Nadia snipped.
“Why don’t you leave?” Ryan said.
“Was it Ryan?” Ambrosia’s smile was like a snake’s as she looked at me, apparently satisfied that I now had doubts about everyone sitting around me. It was bad enough I had gone weeks feeling like I trusted no one, now I was getting comfortable with my friends, I felt like one of them wanted to kill me.
Ambrosia shrugged, stood, and walked away.
“Was I that bad? Did you guys hate me?” I asked.
“What? No, it’s Ambrosia we can’t stand.” Nadia said.
“When Ryan and Brendan aren’t sticking something in her.” Drew added before shoving a burger into his mouth.
“Gross.” Nadia flung her dark hair over her shoulder.
“Like you haven’t.” Ryan tossed a fry at him.
“I haven’t,” Drew said.
“Not many can say that,” Brendan said.
I waited for Trey to chime in, to say that he hadn’t been with her either, but he didn’t. When everyone else noticed I was looking at him waiting for that response, they got quiet. Trey stared at his food.
“You’ve …” I realized what a hypocrite I was being, given the fact that I’d been with Henry and it was still up in the air whether I’d been with Benji or not. “When?”
Trey rubbed the back of his neck. “It’s been awhile. You know … you knew about it. We were broken up.”
That didn’t make it any easier. I began to stand, but Trey grabbed my hand. “Wait.”
“Please don’t touch me,” I whispered and he let go. I made my way to the bathroom, my stomach half sick. I tucked into a stall and tried to calm down. It wasn’t fair to him how jealous I was being. It did occur to me that maybe Ambrosia did try to kill me and was just psycho enough to let the entire table know this.
“She is such a bitch.” Nadia’s voice echoed.
I came out of the stall and nodded.
“He felt bad about it. You guys were broken up, got back together shortly after, but when you found out, because Ambrosia had to ruin someone’s life, you broke up again. If it makes you feel better, you made out with Brendan at a party that same weekend. Trey kicked his ass when he found out.” Nadia leaned against the tiled wall.
It didn’t make me feel better, just added another name to my list of guys that I didn’t remember. “They’re still friends?”
“Guys get over that stuff quickly. Besides, after Trey calmed down he was thankful it was Brendan because he didn’t do anything with you but kiss, where another guy may have done more. You were wasted, you both were really.”
“So, Trey was relieved that I didn’t have sex with someone else, but he did?”
“I guess.”
All the while, I couldn’t figure out why I at least didn’t tell Nadia about Henry. If not Trey, just to get back to him?
“Thanks,” I said to Nadia.
“What for?”
“For helping fill in the blanks.”
Her eyes diverted to the floor and said, “It’s the least I can do for you.”
“Why are you being so nice?”
“You’re still my BFF even if you don’t remember.” Her voice trailed off and she stared at the stall. “All I’m saying is I’ve watched Trey fall apart over you. The way he’s waited for you to come around and today … this morning he looked alive like I hadn’t seen him in weeks.”
“How can he do that to me? Make me responsible for his happiness?”
“I think it’s sweet.”
“It’s overwhelming.”
Nadia frowned. “Don’t be too hard on him.” And there was something in her eyes that made me wonder if she had a th
ing for Trey herself.
“Can I ask you something?”
“What?”
“Do you … are you in love with Trey?”
The way she glanced away from me told me everything I needed. “I don’t know when it happened or how, it just did. Please don’t hate me.”
“Did I know?”
“I think you suspected.” Nadia picked at her finger nails.
I think I did know. That was probably why I never told her about Henry.
“I’m not … I never tried to steal him away. I … I just want him and you to be happy.” She blinked as if she was fighting tears.
I walked around the corner of the brick school building. I was searching for Trey in my homecoming dress and tiara. We were expected to be out on the dance floor, but he’d disappeared again.
“We can’t tell her,” Trey whispered.
Tell who?
“I don’t want to hurt her any more than you do. She’s my best friend.”
“It was a mistake.”
“Is that what you think?” Nadia’s voice cracked.
“She’ll hate me. She’ll hate you if she finds out.”
“You guys kissed.” The fog rose off my memories.
Nadia cleared her throat. “It wasn’t supposed to happen. It just did.”
“How am I supposed to believe anything when everyone keeps lying to me?” I stormed out of the bathroom. Maybe I was being a giant hypocrite, but I couldn’t take all the lies anymore.
“Sawyer.” Nadia called out, but I didn’t turn back. I walked right out of the school and to my car where I got in and drove.
Yes, I was a hypocrite. But Nadia was pretending to be my friend. Why? To get to Trey?
It was like it was automatic. I pulled into the parking lot by the river trail, climbed out of my car and began to walk. I was thankful to be wearing my own sweatshirt today. It was Sherpa fleece and extra warm against the cool breeze. The river was higher than normal, the brown water rushing. I couldn’t imagine if I’d fallen in now. I wish I knew what was going through my mind the night I disappeared. My Adidas shoes thumped on the sidewalk with each step. Maybe this would bring something up to the surface. Like what I was even doing near the river that night.
As I strolled with my thoughts, passing a couple of middle-aged women jogging. A plump man walking a little dog, I hadn’t even noticed another set of footsteps until I was in the tunnel. It wasn’t a long tunnel, but long enough to be dark during a dreary day like today. It hadn’t been raining, but looked as if it could start any second. I sped up. I didn’t want to be in the tunnel by myself with somebody else. But when I did, the footsteps kept up with me. My heart was in my throat and I felt like this had been a very bad idea. When a hand wrapped around my arm, I screamed, swinging my fist.
“Sawyer.” It was Henry.
“Oh my God, Henry?” I put a hand to my chest. A lady jogged by us with a stroller, glaring at us for being in her way. I stepped aside. “Why aren’t you at school?”
“I followed you.”
I crossed my arms, because even though I liked Henry, that was creepy. “Why?”
“I …” he squinted even though it wasn’t sunny. He stared into my eyes like he was searching for something. “I saw you leave.”
“But you didn’t say anything until now?”
He shrugged and twisted the corded bracelet on his wrist.
Music rattled from the tree house. That’s how I knew he was here instead of the house. I was going to surprise him. I climbed up, taking care not to slip like I did all those years ago. Even though Henry had made sure every nail was hammered after that incident and he even periodically did to this day. Since this was our space.
When I popped my head in, he was lying on the ground his face toward the ceiling, hands behind his head. His newly dark hair made me stop for a second. I still wasn’t used to it. But it was growing on me. I took him in before letting him know I was here. He wasn’t this peaceful very often anymore with everything that had happened between us.
Finally, before I started to feel like a stalker, I said, “Knock, knock.” As I tapped on the ground.
He turned toward me. I wished it made him smile, but wishing something didn’t make it happen. He scowled. The worst part was, I deserved it. My smile faded as I looked around the room. He’d brought in blankets and a few other things for comfort.
“Hey.” I said shoving my hands in the pockets of my sundress. Whoever decided to put pockets in dresses was a genius.
“Don’t you have a boyfriend?” He clipped.
My heart broke. “I’m going to tell him.”
He stifled a laugh and sat up, bending his long lanky legs. “This is pathetic, Sawyer.”
“It’s not,” I said, blinking back tears.
He shook his head and twisted that corded bracelet. The one he got from the street vender on one of our trips to the lake. He bought me a matching one, but it wasn’t really my style. We were so happy that day, him in his tank top, board short, and sunglasses. His hair was light blond from the sun. I’d mentioned how much I liked it. Our arms were wrapped around one another. I felt like this was where I was supposed to be.
“You aren’t going to dump him,” he said. “I’m the other guy.”
I swallowed the lump in my throat before saying. “You were with Ambrosia,” But we both know the only reason he hooked up with Ambrosia was because I hadn’t broken up with Trey. “Why were you even there?”
“Ryan and I played a game of basketball and he invited me over. Why? Did you not want me to be around? Afraid I might reveal your secret?”
That wasn’t it at all.
I took a step back. “We were more.”
Henry tilted his head. “Yeah, I told you that already.”
“No, we … you and me. I was going to break up with him for you.”
“Said you were.”
I stared at him for a minute. His black hair showed dirty blond roots. “Why did you dye your hair?”
“Left.” Came a voice behind me. Henry took my hand and led me off the path as a biker whizzed by us.
“You dyed your hair because you didn’t think I’d like it.”
He lifted a shoulder and pulled his vape out of his pocket, not making eye contact with me, he motioned for us to walk. “You told me how much you liked the sun-bleached blond.”
“So, you went pitch black?” I fell into stride beside him, my hands in the front pocket of my sweatshirt.
He ran a hand over his hair. “I like it.”
The breeze plucked leaves off the trees.
“There were a few weeks over the summer.” Henry took a hit of his vape. “Trey was at camp and Nadia was on vacation. We spent some time together.”
“I kind of remember that.”
He looked at me funny, then continued. “You remember telling me you liked my hair?”
I nodded.
“It was bleached out from hanging by the lake. When Trey and Nadia got back they consumed all your time. I realized that my hair was the same color as Trey’s when you told me you liked it. You wanna know what else I realized that day?”
“What?” even though I wasn’t sure I wanted to know.
“That I was Trey’s substitute. You only wanted me when you couldn’t have him.”
“Henry, I …”
He shook his head, his floppy hair falling over his eyes. “I could change my hair, but not my heart.”
Butterflies were in my stomach. “Your heart?”
He looked ahead of us and pointed with his vape pen. “Do you remember that place?”
I turned to what he was pointing at. A mini restaurant. It didn’t have many seats inside and it was full of town memorabilia. In the summers the picnic tables were always full with people eating fries and licking ice cream cones before they melted. It was a place his grandma took us after spending the entire day at the pool. Our hair soaked and smelling like chlorine we’d have a contest to see who could eat th
e fastest without getting a brain freeze. He always won.
“Thankfully, I still have those memories.” I wasn’t sure if he heard me over the wind.
“Why did you leave school today,” he asked.
“I keep finding things out about myself.” I stepped aside as two people on bikes went by.
“Things you don’t like?”
“I wonder how many people have seen me naked.”
“What?” He choked his vapor.
I stared straight ahead, not wanting to see his face. “You, Trey, and possibly Benji and Brendan. I bet Drew and Ryan too.”
He cleared his throat.
“I’m a slut, right?”
“Benji and Brendan, really?”
I shrugged. “They said I just made out with Brendan and the Benji thing is still unclear, but how am I supposed to know anything about myself?”
“Want to cross?” He pointed toward the bridge.
“As long as you don’t hang over the ledge.” He always used to freak me out when he did that, not to mention nearly giving his grandma a heart attack.
He laughed as if I’d just dared him. Then jogged toward it. I didn’t have to follow him, it wasn’t like we came here together. I could turn around and go right back to my car, but instead I followed.
Chapter 28
“We should really get some ice cream on our way back.” Henry walked ahead of me, his arms stretched out as if he was walking a high wire even though this bridge was wide enough for three people to walk across comfortably and had chest-high railing.
“It’s way too cold for ice cream.” I shoved my hands deeper in my front pocket. Above the river, there was a cooler breeze.
“It’s never too cold for ice cream.” He jumped toward the rail.
I screamed and he laughed, putting his hand on his stomach and leaning his head back. His adam’s apple protruded.
“That was so not funny.” I swatted at him but then as I stepped backward, the bridge began to spin. Like I had vertigo. I felt myself falling backwards. I gasped for air. Water, there was so much water coming into my lungs.
“Sawyer.” Henry’s voice reached me. My body shook and my eyes took in my surroundings. I was on my knees in the middle of the bridge, Henry squatting in front of me. His hands on my shoulders shaking me like a rag doll.
