by Emily Camp
“What?”
“You scared the crap out of me.” He pulled me into a hug. I sat there in a daze. “I was just joking I wasn’t going to jump.”
“I remembered …” My voice was scratchy. “I think … I think I fell backwards into the river that night. I thought I was drowning.”
Henry squinted at me. “Maybe you should go home.”
I wasn’t sure what to think of this. He’d been all about walking across the bridge and back then getting ice cream a second ago. I was having a good time. Now he wanted it to be over.
***
As I walked into the house, my dad’s voice booming, “Where have you been?” made me jump.
I turned to him standing above me. The vein in his forehead throbbing was his tell that I was in trouble. He was wearing his scrubs. I don’t know when he got home, but he hadn’t taken the time to change.
“The school called around one to tell me you were missing. I’ve been trying to get ahold of you since.”
“I …”
“You were missing for three days last time.” He waved his large arms wildly in the air. “Do you have any idea of the torment I’ve been through trying to find you? You have us all worried. Do you even care?”
“I’m sorry.” I shrunk into myself. If I’d ever made my dad this angry before, I couldn’t recall.
I looked behind him to see Janice looking a lot less than pleased, probably because I was home. I’m sure she was hoping I wouldn’t come back.
My dad then enveloped me with a bear hug, suffocating me against his scrubs. He smelled like hospital disinfectant. “Don’t ever do that again, you hear me? Answer my calls.”
“Okay.”
“Now that I know you’re alive, go to your room.”
“What?” Janice gasped.
My dad ignored her.
“And call your boyfriend. He’s called me about a hundred times since I sent him home earlier.”
“Okay.” I headed up the stairs only half listening to Janice arguing with my dad about my punishment. I did agree with her, sending me to my room and telling me to call my boyfriend wasn’t exactly going to teach me a lesson.
I closed the door behind me, shutting out Janice’s whiny voice. Then I sat on my bed and looked at my phone. The missed calls and texts were both in the triple digits. I didn’t even want to attempt to read all of them. I did see Nadia, Trey, Benji, and my dad amongst the names on the missed calls. I was surprised to see Janice there too.
I sat there knowing I should face Trey, but I wasn’t sure I wanted to call him. So I sent a quick text.
I’m home and okay. I need space.
My phone immediately rang. He obviously ignored that second sentence. As soon as I put the phone to my ear he said, “It meant nothing, that’s why I didn’t tell you.”
I sighed. “I had no memory. What do you think was going to happen when I finally remembered?”
“I …”
“You were hoping I wouldn’t.”
“No, I wanted you to remember what we had.”
“But not that. How can I trust you?”
“Sawyer, you have to believe me. This is why I didn’t tell you, you took it harder than … I … I barely even kissed her back.”
“But you did kiss her back?”
He let out a groan. “Can I come over?”
“No?”
“Why not?”
“Because I don’t want to see you right now.”
“But you will tomorrow? You’re coming to the game, right?”
“I’m not riding with Nadia.”
“Ride with someone else then, but please. I love you, not anyone else. Ambrosia was a mistake, Nadia was a mistake.”
“How many more mistakes have there been?”
“You kissed Brendan. Made out with him, actually.”
“And I don’t remember it.” I also realized he hadn’t answered my question.
“Doesn’t mean you didn’t do it.”
Yes, I realized I was a big hypocrite, or maybe I was just looking for a reason to break up with him. I’m sure I wouldn’t have to look that far if I wanted one. Today had been, it had been okay with Henry. It was almost like before. Almost. “I know. I’m sorry. It’s … it’s not even about that you did those things, it’s that I’m trying to remember and here I find out you’ve left things out and I don’t know what’s real or what’s fake.”
“I’m sorry.”
I sighed, “I’m tired. Can we talk about this tomorrow?”
“You promise,” he said. I was exhausted just thinking about it. But still, I said, “Yes.”
Chapter 29
Ryan threw a back to school party. Trey walked out of the back room with his hand on the small of my back. Henry’s eyes landed on mine from his perch on the puke green sofa, when did he get here? Nadia sat beside him, her legs curled under her and her arm on the back of the sofa, facing him. She laughed and threw her head back.
Trey suddenly had a beer in his hand. Nadia waved me over when she saw me.
How could I do this? Pretend that Henry was nothing to me. It would have been different if he hadn’t been my best friend before.
“Sawyer.” Nadia squealed, hopped up and gave me a hug.
Spotify was so loud over the speakers I could barely hear her. “OMG, did you?” She pulled me into the bathroom.
I shook my head. That had been the plan tonight, for us to finally have sex, but I couldn’t do it. Trey said he understood, but I could still tell he was disappointed as he pulled his jeans back on over his boxer briefs.
“We were close, but I just couldn’t.”
She looked at herself in the mirror, fixing her hair. “You’re lucky, Trey’s a good guy.”
“Yeah.” Though I wasn’t sure how lucky I was, caught between two guys.
“Anyway,” She leaned forward, dabbing at her lips. “Let’s go get our party on.” She grabbed my hand and led me back out.
It didn’t take long for her to find Henry’s side again. I sat on Trey’s lap on a bar stool while he talked football with friends and I scrolled through social media. My heart sank when I looked up and Henry and Nadia’s hands were linked together heading toward the back room.
Was he kidding? First me, then Ambrosia, now Nadia? What a man-whore.
Chapter 30
I chose to drive to the football game by myself, making sure my dad knew where I was going after I reassured him that Trey would be riding home with me. The only thing was, that meant I had to stay for the entire game this time.
I was wedged in the student section, not making eye contact with Nadia as I sat on the opposite end. She must not have been too worried about losing our friendship. With a blue tie-died bandana in her hair and face paint on her cheeks. She shouted with cheers louder than the cheerleaders below.
I wore Trey’s blue jersey this week. On the field, he was in his white. As I watched, some knowledge of the game started to come back. I assumed I acquired this in the last three years because of him.
We won with just seconds left of the game and I made my way to the field with the rest of the crowd. He gave me a sweaty hug and a kiss. I congratulated Drew, Ryan, and Brendan. Who held their helmets by their sides and hugged me as well, picking me up off the ground. I have to say, it was awkward trying to avoid Nadia as she celebrated with the guys, too. Trey tugged me off to the side. His mom took pictures of us. I still didn’t remember knowing her. It was weird the things that my brain let me remember and the things that were still blocked. Almost as if it were a sifter and some memories were too big to fit through the holes.
I didn’t want to hate Nadia, but right now … I kind of did. At the same time though, I hated myself. I remember she’d said I flipped out over her with Henry, and I wondered if I hadn’t done that if they would’ve gotten together and she’d never fall for Trey. They would have made a good couple. I know Henry would have fallen easily for her. The way she was always happy and loved sports and too
k dares. She didn’t seem to be afraid of anything.
Trey drove home. Drew and Ryan rode with us. They sat in the back seat taking up most of it. All the football gear barely fit in my trunk.
I got a notification from social media someone wanted to tag me. Fear rose as I opened the app. It was only Trey’s mom. It was the picture of us she’d just taken on the field. I didn’t know where that fear had come from. Why was I afraid of being tagged in a post?
Drew leaned forward between the front seats, “You going to come celebrate with us, Monty?”
Monty? I don’t know if I liked that name before, but I didn’t like it now. “I don’t know.” I said. “I’m kind of tired.”
Trey put his hand on my knee and squeezed. We still hadn’t talked about anything, I didn’t want to distract him before his big game. “You sure? It’s cool if you do.”
“You’re like one of the guys.” Drew patted my shoulder.
Though my best friend growing up was a guy, I don’t know why hearing that made me flinch. One of the guys? Really? I seemed to be as girly-girl as one could get. My nails were long and I had painted them royal blue today to match our school colors. I owned three different sizes of curling irons and a flat iron. I had a box full of makeup that weighed about ten pounds.
“I’m sure it’s not the same when someone’s girlfriend is around.”
“We could call Nadia.” Ryan said almost too eagerly. The car went quiet and I clenched my teeth.
“Are you stupid?” Drew said.
Then Ryan said, “Ouch.”
“Yeah, I’m just going to go home, but you guys have fun.” I looked out the window. The night was especially dark.
“I’ll drink one for you.” Drew patted me on the shoulder again when we pulled into Trey’s.
The guys went inside carrying their football gear over their shoulders.
Trey watched them disappear into the house with a shout and a holler. They were still amped up over the win tonight.
Trey pushed my hair behind my ear. “We haven’t talked.”
I stared at his house. “Let’s not do this now. You go. Have fun with your friends.”
“I’m not sure I …”
“Yes, you can. Drink a beer or two. Celebrate your win. Tomorrow’s Saturday, we can talk then.”
He hesitated then Ryan stuck his head out at window from the second story. “Get her, T.O.”
“Go Blue!” Drew shouted from behind him.
“You better go entertain your friends before they wake the neighbors.”
He leaned in for a kiss. I turned my head so he got my cheek. He frowned. His buddies shouted, “fail” out the window.
“See you tomorrow,” he said then headed inside.
***
My dad’s car was gone. I wasn’t sure if he and Janice were out or if he was working. I hoped the former, because I didn’t want to deal with Janice and her judging me.
I flipped on the kitchen light, looking for a snack before heading upstairs when a voice spoke right behind me. “I’m sorry.”
I jumped, he was so close that I knocked into him. His hands fell to my waist and I quickly moved away. “What are you doing?” I plastered myself against the counter to put distance between Benji and I.
“I didn’t mean to scare you, but I just want to apologize for the other day.”
“Why are you apologizing?”
He ran his hand over his hair, which flattened then sprung right back up. “Look, I worry about you. Yesterday, you gave us all a scare.”
I relaxed my shoulders when I realized I was being dumb.
“I know it seems like … it seems weird, but you’re like a sister and I don’t want anything to happen to you.”
“Thanks, I appreciate that.” I said before making my way around him.
“Are you going to hate me forever?” His voice was wounded.
I stopped at the door, “I don’t know what I’m going to do in five minutes, let alone forever.”
In five minutes, my memories could return and I would be a completely different person than I am right now. I made my way upstairs and down the hall to my room, removing my shoes and earrings along the way.
I stepped into my room, shut the door behind me.
I flicked on the light and jumped when I turned around.
“Don’t scream,” came from the figure on my bed.
Chapter 31
“Mom.” I gasped when my brain finally processed it was her. But it wasn’t just her, it was also my baby brother, who was cradled in her arms, his blond hair long and wispy.
“He’s asleep,” she whispered.
“What are you doing?” I looked at my door. How did she get in without anyone seeing?
“I left the commune.” She rocked when Clover whimpered.
“How?”
“That doesn’t matter.” She pushed Clover’s hair out of his face. I was jealous of the way she looked at him but also felt a since of protectiveness for him.
“Is that … Clover?” I asked even though I’d already assumed this. I took a step closer and reached out to him but stopped just as my hand was almost there.
“I gave him a sleeping pill.”
“You what?” Why would she give a baby drugs?
“Not a whole one, I had to get him out without crying.”
“What will happen if you’re caught?”
“It doesn’t matter.” She looked down at Clover. “As long as they don’t have him.”
“But mom …”
“Sawyer, you have to help.” Her dark almond shaped eyes pleaded with me.
“But dad.” There was no way he would agree to this.
“That’s the thing … you don’t remember.”
“Mom?” My heart beat wild in my chest as I stared at Clover he didn’t look like my mom, but like me.
“Clover isn’t your half-brother.”
“What are you saying?”
She looked down at him again. “He looks so much like you.”
I don’t look like my mom. I look like my …
“Does dad know?” I gasped.
“I’m sure it’s crossed his mind, but I never told him.” She put my brother on my bed. He curled into a ball, tucking his chubby hands under his cheek. His hair spilled over his face. Did they not have scissors at the commune?
She stood up. “Do you have some clothes I could borrow?” She was wearing a long jean skirt and a boxy faded tee just like the last time I’d seen her.
“Are you leaving him?”
“I can’t run with a two-year-old. They’ll be looking for me.” She put her hand on my cheek. She smelled like sweat and mildew. Nothing like the mother I used to know. Who always smelled like expensive perfume and soap.
“You could stay here. Dad will protect you.” Just like old times.
She helped herself to my dresser drawer, pulling it out and rummaging through my clothes. “He has Janice. Besides, you know me, I can’t stay in one place for too long.” she pulled out a pair of sweatpants and read the label. “These might fit.” Then she pulled out an oversized sweatshirt. It had my school name on it. “Perfect.” She disappeared into my bathroom. I stared at Clover, sleeping so soundly, he had no clue what it was like to be abandoned by Heather, but he was about to find out.
She came back out in my sweats and sweatshirt. Her hair was short and choppy. She tapped on the ends and crooked her head. “Not the best, but it’ll do. I just need a bottle of dye.”
“Do you got any cash?” She shoved her feet back into her plain black shoes.
“I …” I looked down at my purse hanging off my door handle. I only took a twenty with me tonight, but I did have some stashed in there.
“How much?” she said.
I picked up my purse and opened my wallet and counted. “Fifty-five.”
She winced. “I was hoping for more. A house this big and that’s all the cash you have?”
“We use credit cards.”
“It’ll have do.” She grabbed the cash out of my hand. “I’ll call you when I get the chance.” She started toward my window.
“Wait,” I looked down at Clover. “How can you do this? To us?” My voice cracked.
“I don’t have a choice.” But I didn’t believe her because all those other times she did have a choice. She could have stayed here with me and my dad at any time.
“But …”
“I’ll pay you back, I promise.” She slid open the window and climbed out.
I wasn’t worried about the money. I wasn’t going to ever see it again anyway. I didn’t know what to do with a two-year-old.
“What about … what if they come after him?”
“Your dad can figure it out.” Just like her to make her problems someone else’s. My whole life, at least what I could remember was me waiting for the next moment she’d whirl in and be here for me. Even if she left just as quickly as she appeared.
She slipped out my window and jumped. I watched her disappear in between the houses. I turned to Clover and said, “Really mom?” Not only did she abandon me, now she’d abandoned her other child and expected me to care of him. At least I could understand what he was going through. Except this kid had been left with strangers. I was left with my dad.
Just then a sudden panic hit in. What was I going to do? My first instinct was to call Henry, but his number wasn’t stored in my phone. Then I called his home number, which I’d had memorized since we were kids. His mom answered, with a tired “hello.”
“Is Henry home?” I asked.
There was a pause, “Who is this?”
“It’s me, Sawyer.”
“Don’t call here again.” Her voice fueled with anger and she slammed the phone in my ear.
Deflated, I put my cell to my mouth as I watched my little brother sleep in the middle of my bed. His lips were puckered like a bow and his cheeks pink.
I had to tell my dad. I sat at my desk with my elbows on my knees, watching him. From what I could recall, I’d never been around anyone this small, let alone in charge of them. The hall outside my room creaked, I assumed it was Mr. Whiskers. I wrestled with whether I should tell Benji or not. I wasn’t sure when my dad and Janice got together. Did my dad cheat on her with my mom?
