Lost Angel

by Kitty Neale

  Hilda snuggled closer, pushing thoughts of Gertie away. For now she could hold Doug – for now he was safe, but already she was dreading the thought of him going back to sea.

  Chapter 8

  The dawn chorus woke Ellen, and finding herself in a different room for a moment she was disorientated. Her last memory was of falling asleep on her dad’s lap, that thought causing her to sit bolt upright in bed. Her dad! Her dad was here and must have carried her up to bed in Gertie’s room.

  Excitedly, Ellen flung back the blankets, careless of the cold linoleum underfoot as she scampered to see him. ‘Dad!’ she cried, jumping onto the bed.

  An eye opened, a groan, and then he said, ‘Blimey, pumpkin, you’re up early. Come on, you’re cold. Get in between me and your mum.’

  Ellen scrambled into the bed, uncaring that she had woken her mum as her arms wrapped joyfully around her father.

  ‘Ellen, your feet are freezing,’ Hilda complained, ‘and you’re a bit big for getting into bed with us now.’

  ‘Leave her, Hilda. She’s all right with us for a while.’

  ‘Doug…you…you haven’t got anything on.’

  ‘Bugger, I forgot about that.’

  ‘Why haven’t you got your pyjamas on, Dad? Did you forget to bring them?’

  ‘Er…no,’ he said, ‘but shift over for a minute and I’ll put the bottoms on.’

  As his arm reached out to grab them from a nearby chair, Ellen was aware that her mother was getting out of bed. She turned over, eyes wide when she saw that her mum was naked. ‘Mum, where’s your nightdress?’

  ‘Stop looking at me. I forgot to put it on, that’s all.’

  ‘Hilda, now that you’re up, how about a nice cup of tea for your old man?’

  ‘See what you’ve done, Ellen,’ she complained, shrugging her flannelette nightdress over her head.

  ‘Blimey, talk about a passion killer.’

  ‘Doug, watch what you’re saying in front of Ellen.’

  ‘What’s passion?’ Ellen asked. ‘See what I mean?’

  ‘It’s just another word for enthusiasm, that’s all.’

  Ellen still didn’t understand, but after wriggling about under the bedclothes her dad managed to get his pyjama bottoms on and she snuggled up to him again.

  ‘You needn’t think you can stay there for long, my girl,’ her mother warned. ‘Now that you’ve got us up at the crack of dawn you can give me a hand with our breakfast.’

  ‘I’ll get up when you fetch Dad his tea.’

  ‘Oh, so now he’s to have it in bed, is he?’

  ‘Cor, yes, please, love.’

  Though her mum was trying to look cross, Ellen could see that she was happy, her brown eyes bright as she left the room. It was lovely to see her smiling all the time and she said sadly, ‘Dad, I wish you didn’t have to go back to sea.’

  ‘So do I, but buck up. We’ve got three lovely weeks together before that happens.’

  There was the sound of a miaow and moments later Socks jumped on the bed, lying down on her father’s chest. He stroked his head, saying, ‘He was only a kitten the last time I saw him. He’s a whopper now.’

  ‘Yes, but he isn’t around much. He turns up every morning for something to eat and it’s my job to feed him, but then he’s off again.’

  ‘He should have been neutered.’

  ‘What’s that?’

  ‘Er…it’s something that’s done to tomcats to stop them roaming. Now tell me, did you like the carving I sent for your last birthday?’

  ‘Yes, it’s lovely and looks a bit like Socks.’

  ‘That’s what I was hoping,’ he said, but then as Ellen saw her mother walking in with a cup of tea he added, ‘Well, Ellen, if it’s your job to feed this cat, I think you’d best do it.’

  ‘But…’

  ‘No arguments. Now scat,’ he said. ‘I’ll be up soon, but stay downstairs until I am.’

  Ellen reluctantly climbed out of bed, Socks jumping down to follow her out of the room. She heard her mum giggle, followed by the sound of the bed creaking, and it was over half an hour later before they appeared again.

  Usually Gertie was the first one up, but not today. She forced a cheerful smile, saying as she sat at the table, ‘Good morning, Doug. Did you sleep well?’

  ‘Eventually,’ Doug said, winking lewdly.

  Gertie couldn’t hold back a scowl, but hoped to hide it as she picked up the teapot to pour a cup, then adding milk.

  ‘Gertie, that tea’s been made for ages. I’ll make a fresh one,’ Hilda said as she walked through from the outhouse.

  ‘No, this will do me. I’ve got a lot to do and running late.’

  ‘I’ll cook you an egg on toast.’

  ‘No, Hilda,’ snapped Doug. ‘Ellen’s waiting and we’re going for a walk. Gertie wasn’t up when you were cooking breakfast and, anyway, I’m sure she’s perfectly capable of making her own.’

  ‘Yes, I am. Go on, Hilda, you can go for a walk.’

  ‘She doesn’t need your permission,’ Doug snapped.

  ‘Doug, what’s the matter with you?’ Hilda asked.

  ‘I just don’t think you need Gertie’s say so to go out. It’s not as if you work here or that Gertie’s your boss.’

  ‘Gertie took us in, you seem to be forgetting that.’

  ‘You pay your way and work on her smallholding. If you ask me she’s got a good deal.’

  Hilda seemed to stretch, neck high and face flaming with temper. ‘Now you listen to me, Douglas Stone. I choose to do the cooking and, when necessary, outdoor work. Gertie works like a dog and, as her friend, I’m pleased to be able to help.’

  ‘Your friend, yes, but is that all she is?’

  ‘What’s that supposed to mean?’

  ‘Don’t act the innocent again. You know full well what I mean.’

  ‘My God, I can’t believe you’d even think such a thing.’

  ‘I saw what it was like when I was last here, with you waiting on Gertie hand and foot. She acts more like your husband than your so-called friend.’

  ‘Now you sound jealous.’

  ‘What do you expect! I’m in the navy and there isn’t much I haven’t seen, between both two men, and two women.’

  ‘Well, there’s nothing like that going on between Gertie and me,’ Hilda said forcefully.

  Gertie said nothing as the row raged. She thought she’d hidden her feelings from both of them, but in Doug’s case she obviously hadn’t been successful. He thought she and Hilda were lovers but, oh, if only that were true. Still, she would have to be careful, to hide her feelings, or Doug might just persuade Hilda to leave.

  Doug seemed to slump, his elbows on the table and his hands rubbing his face. ‘I’m sorry, love. I don’t know what’s wrong with me.’

  ‘I should think so too, but it isn’t just me who deserves an apology.’

  Doug looked up, swallowed, then said, ‘Sorry, Gertie.’

  ‘That’s all right. You’re obviously under a lot of strain, and maybe you just needed to release a bit of anger.’

  ‘It’s the things I’ve seen, ships going down, men drowning before we could pick them up, horrible, terrible things.’

  ‘Oh, Doug,’ Hilda cried, running to kneel by his side.

  Gertie couldn’t watch and quietly she went out of the back door. It’s a shame it wasn’t Doug’s ship that went down, she thought, then was immediately appalled with herself. How could she think like that? It was disgusting, dreadful – but nevertheless the thought wouldn’t go away.

  Chapter 9

  Hilda didn’t have any nightmares while Doug was there, but he did, his sleep often broken as he would suddenly sit bolt upright, crying with horror in the night. She had of course forgiven him for his outburst over Gertie. More so now that she was seeing the evidence of what he had been through and, anyway, maybe he did have reason to be suspicious. Oh, not of her, but of Gertie.

  Perhaps it was time to leave Somerset, to go back
to London. As soon as Doug left in the morning, she’d put out feelers and write to Mabel to see if it was safe. Of course there’d be the problem of finding somewhere to stay. With so many houses destroyed, accommodation was short, but surely she’d be able to find something, even if it only had one room for now.

  Hilda snuggled closer as she lay in Doug’s arms, her three weeks of happiness almost over.

  ‘The time has gone so fast and I can’t believe you’ll be leaving in the morning.’

  ‘I know, but come on, let’s make the most of our last night together.’

  Hilda gave herself up to his lovemaking, and when it was over they were lying peacefully when she told Doug what was on her mind. ‘I’m so fed up here. I hate being in the middle of nowhere and might go back to London.’

  ‘I’m not going to argue with you, but you’ve got to think about Ellen and whether it’s safe.’

  ‘I know that, Doug, and I wouldn’t be daft enough to put our daughter at risk.’

  ‘I’d feel better if you stay here.’

  ‘I thought you didn’t like us living with Gertie.’

  ‘I don’t mind, love. I was mad to think there was anything going on between you.’

  ‘Yes, you were. I don’t fancy women, Doug. In fact, I don’t fancy other men. There’s only you.’

  ‘And you’re the only woman for me,’ he said, hugging her.

  ‘I thought sailors had a girl in every port.’

  ‘Not me, but I can only speak for myself. I don’t know about the rest of the crew.’

  ‘You’d better not be unfaithful,’ Hilda warned.

  ‘I wouldn’t dare. You’d have my guts for garters,’ he said, then yawned widely. ‘Let’s hope I get a night of unbroken sleep for once.’

  ‘I dunno about that. I might just wake you for another bit of nooky.’

  ‘You’re insatiable,’ he said, grinning widely. ‘Oh, well, there’s nothing else for it. I’ll just have to wear you out now. That should stop your games.’

  ‘Ooh, yes, please,’ she said cheekily, yet as Doug bent to kiss her, Hilda felt another surge of sadness. With Ellen diving in on them every morning, this would probably be the last time they could make love – the last time she would be totally alone with her husband – and now she struggled against tears.

  In the early hours of the morning, Gertie was still awake too. She could hear the noise coming from Hilda’s room. Every night had been the same, while Gertie lay with her stomach churning, longing for it to stop. At least it was the last night, she thought, and Doug would be gone in the morning.

  Maybe, just maybe, now that Doug had planted the seed of the idea, Hilda might actually turn to her; after all, a woman without a man must grow frustrated. You’re a fool, an idiot, Gertie told herself as she turned over to thump her pillow. Hilda was normal and would never be attracted to someone of the same sex. But I’m not – I’m not! Gertie cried inwardly. In my mind I’m a man, yet cursed with this body of a woman.

  At last, after a restless few hours’ sleep, Gertie woke early, pleased to find that Ellen was no longer beside her in bed. She smiled. Good. The girl had probably gone to her parents’ room and that would put paid to any more lovemaking.

  It was over. Doug was going, and she couldn’t wait to see the back of him. Hilda would be upset, devastated, but after that they’d get back to normal – just the three of them, living like a family again.

  Ellen could barely eat her breakfast as she sat across from her father. Gertie was the only one who looked cheerful, which made a change because out of sight of her parents, Gertie had been moody and snappy. Ellen had hated sleeping in her bed again, but if it meant her dad could stay, she’d do it for ever.

  When her dad stood up, Ellen felt the tears welling and was unable to stifle a sob. She flung back her chair, rushing to him, her arms wrapping tightly around his waist. ‘Do you have to go, Dad? Can’t you stay?’

  ‘There’s nothing I’d like more, but if I don’t go back I’d be a deserter.’

  ‘What’s a deserter?’

  ‘Someone who runs away, who doesn’t go back on duty when their leave’s over.’

  ‘You could do that, Dad,’ she said excitedly.

  ‘If I did, I’d be named a coward and end up in prison. Never mind, pumpkin. This war won’t go on for ever, and when it’s over I’ll be home for good.’

  ‘Oh, Dad…I still wish you could stay here now.’

  He held her close for a moment, stroked her hair, but then gently moved away. ‘Me too, but sorry, pumpkin, I’ve got to pop upstairs to get my kit.’

  ‘I’ll come with you,’ Ellen cried, unwilling to let him out of her sight.

  ‘No, stay there. I won’t be a minute,’ he croaked, quickly heading for the stairs.

  ‘Listen, Ellen, I know it’s hard, but somehow we’ve got to be brave for your dad’s sake. He’s upset, too, so let’s see if we can send him off with smiles.’

  ‘I…I’ll try.’

  ‘That’s my girl.’

  Her dad appeared again, kitbag slung over his shoulder. ‘Right, all set?’

  ‘Ned’s harnessed, so let’s go,’ said Gertie.

  ‘It’s good of you to take me to the station.’

  ‘Oh, it’s my pleasure.’

  ‘Right then, my lovely girls, time to go.’

  ‘Girl, huh, I wish I was.’

  ‘You’ll always be my girl, Hilda, even when you’re old and grey.’

  ‘I’d better be,’ she warned.

  Gertie marched ahead of them out of the door and swung up onto the cart. ‘There isn’t room for all three of you up here. Perhaps you should sit on the back, Doug.’

  ‘I’m sure we’ll manage with Ellen on my lap,’ he said.

  Ellen thought Gertie looked angry, but then her expression rapidly changed. With a shrug of her shoulders, she said, ‘OK, Doug, whatever you say.’

  Ellen settled onto her dad’s lap, his arms tight around her. As they set off, she wished the journey could go on for ever, that they’d never reach the station; but if anything, Gertie seemed to be urging the horse to a faster pace than usual.

  When they arrived in Crewkerne, Hilda fought to keep her composure, but inside she felt as though her heart was breaking. She wanted the train to be late, anything to stop Doug’s departure, but when they got to the platform it was already drawing in. She cursed Gertie, wishing the bloody woman hadn’t been in such an all-fired hurry to get here. Poor Ned had looked almost on the point of collapse by the time Gertie had drawn the cart to a halt. If the journey had taken longer, Doug would have missed this one and had to wait for the next. It might have taken hours, perhaps giving them time to walk around Crewkerne, to explore the town together; but instead it would be a hurried goodbye.

  Steam hissed, engulfing part of the platform, as Doug said, ‘Gertie timed that right.’

  Few people had got off the train and Hilda could see that the female guard was about to blow her whistle, her arm up and waiting to signal the train’s departure.

  ‘Bye, pumpkin,’ Doug croaked, quickly hugging Ellen.

  Hilda then found herself crushed against him, and fighting tears she said, ‘I love you, Doug. I’ll always love you.’

  The whistle sounded now, Doug’s voice strangled in his throat as he let her go to pick up his kitbag. ‘I love you too – both of you,’ and then he had to dive into the nearest carriage, only able to pull down the window to blow them a kiss before the train pulled away.

  Hilda would never know how she managed it, her heart swelling with love for her daughter when she saw that Ellen, too, was somehow smiling as they waved him off.

  They remained where they were, both still with fixed smiles on their faces and waving until the train went out of sight. Only then did Ellen turn to fling herself into Hilda’s arms.

  ‘Ned needs a bit of a rest,’ Gertie said innocently as they at last went outside, ‘but wasn’t it good that I managed to get Doug here in time to catch that
train?’

  Hilda was too upset to speak, but this was the final straw. She’d had enough. No matter what, she and Ellen were going back to London.

  Chapter 10

  Just a few days after Doug left, Ellen went down with an awful cold that turned to a raging fever, and two days later she passed it on to Gertie.

  Hilda was run ragged as she nursed them both, along with seeing to the chickens, pigs and the goat. Bertie was contented once he’d been fed and would lie on Gertie’s bed, and the cats were happy and off out as soon as they finished the food in their bowls but Hilda became seriously worried as Ellen and Gertie’s temperatures fluctuated – one minute they were hot, the next cold. Tiredly she went into Gertie’s room.

  ‘I’m thirsty and my head’s splitting,’ Gertie moaned.

  ‘Somehow I’m going to have to go into the village. You both need to be seen by a doctor.’

  ‘Waste of time. He’s at least eighty,’ she said, then bent double with coughing before she croaked, ‘See how we are in a couple of days.’

  Hilda rubbed her eyes. They’d been like this for over a week now and she was now feeling a bit rough herself. Maybe Gertie was right, maybe there would be an improvement soon. ‘All right, but if Ellen gets any worse, no matter what, I want her seen by the doctor.’

  ‘My throat’s raw.’

  ‘Here, drink this,’ Hilda said as she poured Gertie a glass of water. ‘I’ll be back soon, but I must see to Ellen now.’

  Gertie lay back, closing her eyes, and Hilda quietly left the room. She found Ellen tossing and turning, her hair wet with perspiration and the bedding in a tangle around her. Hilda sorted the bed, bathed her with cool water and for a moment Ellen opened her eyes, but then they closed again. Hilda shook her head in despair. She felt so helpless and the feeling of isolation, of living so many miles from any other human beings, overwhelmed her.

  For the rest of the day Hilda kept up her vigil, only leaving Ellen to see to Gertie and the animals. At night she sat in a chair by her daughter, unaware in the early hours of the morning that she had fallen asleep, her upper body and head resting on the bed.