Lost Angel

by Kitty Neale

  ‘Keep it. I don’t want it.’

  ‘What? I can have it?’

  ‘That’s what I said.’

  ‘Thanks, Mum, and…and I told Dora I wouldn’t be going to church today. She said to tell you that she’ll ask everyone to pray for you to get better.’

  ‘Tell her not to bother. I prayed to God, to Jesus, to save my baby and a fat lot of good it did.’

  ‘I…I’ll make your tea,’ Ellen said unable to think of anything else to say. She liked going to church, but there were so many questions, so many things she still didn’t understand. Why hadn’t her mum’s prayers been answered – or the ones to bring Socks back?

  Chapter 16

  Hilda recovered quickly, at least in body, but the loss of her baby weighed her down. There were times when she longed for the comfort of her mother’s arms and the grief of losing her parents would resurface to add to her misery. There were also times when she reached automatically for her mother’s necklace, only to find it wasn’t there. Ellen was wearing it now, and Hilda didn’t feel she could ask her to give it back.

  For her daughter’s sake, Hilda made an effort, but her smiles were forced, and her heart heavy. In September it was Mabel who finally came to the rescue, persuading her to take a job with her in a factory on the other side of the Common.

  Ellen was still going to church and as she continued to enjoy it, Hilda didn’t have the heart to stop her. Not only that, Dora was so reliable that she’d approached the woman to ask if she’d look after Ellen after school. It cost her five shillings a week, but it was worth it for peace of mind, and the arrangement was working well. The work at the engineering factory was hard, but at least Hilda felt she was doing something important for the war effort.

  It was now Friday; her week’s work over as Hilda knocked on Dora’s door. ‘Hello, and has Ellen behaved herself?’

  ‘Yes, she’s been as good as gold. Ellen, your mum’s here.’

  Hilda handed over five bob, admiring Dora’s blonde curls. ‘Your hair looks nice. Have you had a perm?’

  ‘No, but I’ve had it in curlers all day. Cyril’s coming home tonight and he likes me to look nice.’

  Ellen appeared then and they both said their goodbyes to Dora. As they walked next door, Ellen asked, ‘Mum, what’s for dinner?’

  ‘A bit of Spam and mashed potatoes,’ Hilda told her. Though a little hungry, she wasn’t looking forward to the pink, tinned meat that had now become a regular part of their diet. She flopped tiredly onto a chair, kicking her shoes off with relief. ‘Put the kettle on the gas, Ellen. I could murder a cup of tea.’

  ‘You look worn out, Mum.’

  ‘I am, but at least I’ve got the weekend off.’

  As her daughter made the tea, Hilda closed her eyes, only to open them moments later when Mabel burst into the room, her face white with panic.

  ‘Hilda, Percy’s gone.’

  ‘Gone! Gone where?’

  ‘I came home to find Billy on his own and a note on the table from Percy. He said he’s gone to join up, but I don’t know where. He ain’t been the same since his dad went back after those two weeks’ leave. Oh, Hilda, what am I gonna do?’

  ‘Calm down, love. I know Percy’s big for his age, but he isn’t fourteen till next week and doesn’t look old enough to join up. They’ll probably take one look at him and send him home with a flea in his ear.’

  ‘I hope you’re right, but I know Percy’s fed up. He wants to leave school now, but they won’t let him go until Christmas. He hates it, and having to keep an eye on Billy. The little sod drives him mad, me too, but I never thought Percy would try this.’

  Billy appeared then, and Hilda hid a smile. There was no doubt that Billy was a little sod, but his cheeky grin was irresistible. With dark curly hair, green eyes and a sprinkle of freckles across his nose, he took after his mother in looks. He said, ‘Panic over, Mum. Percy’s just turned up.’

  Mabel’s eyes lit up, and pushing Billy ahead of her she hurried out, calling, ‘See you later, Hilda.’ There was no doubt that Percy was Mabel’s favourite, and Hilda often wondered if that was why Billy was so naughty; perhaps bad behaviour was the only way to get his mother’s attention. In front of Billy, Mabel would go on and on about how good Percy was, but she never offered a word of praise to her younger son.

  ‘Here you are, Mum,’ Ellen said as she handed her a cup of tea.

  ‘Thanks, darling, you’re a good girl,’ Hilda said and meant it. She still grieved the loss of her baby, but with a daughter she was proud of, Hilda knew that somehow she had to count her blessings.

  Mabel was just thankful to see Percy. She wasn’t angry, just relieved. ‘Please, love, don’t ever do that again. I nearly had a fit when I saw your note.’

  ‘I told him not to go. I told him you’d be upset.’

  ‘Shut up, Billy. I’m not talking to you,’ Mabel snapped, her eyes never leaving Percy. He was so like his father, tall, with brown hair and eyes to match. It was bad enough that Jack was in the army, that he was back at the front and she feared for him every single day, without her son joining up too. ‘I suppose the recruiting station turned you away.’

  ‘They laughed at me…told me to come back when I’m a man.’

  ‘That was a bit cruel, but they’re right.’

  ‘I’ll be fourteen next week and as soon as I leave school, I’ll try again.’

  ‘You’ll still be too young, sweetheart. I know you want to be a soldier just like your dad, but there are other things you can do to help the war effort. Like me, you could get a job in an engineering factory and it’s important work.’

  ‘Yeah, I suppose so,’ Percy said, ‘but it ain’t the same.’

  Mabel knew she would still have the worry of Billy when Percy started work, and though she didn’t want to give up her job, her younger son couldn’t be trusted on his own. The thought of losing two quid a week in pay caused a surge of anger. If Billy was more like his older brother it wouldn’t be a problem, but Billy was a bloody menace, always running off, always nicking things whenever he got the chance, his reputation down the market notorious. If only his father was here to sort him out, but there was no telling when Jack would be home on leave again.

  ‘I’m sorry, Mum,’ placated Percy, obviously unaware that her anger wasn’t directed at him.

  ‘It’s all right, son, but as I said, don’t ever do that to me again. Now the two of you can get cleaned up while I make a start on our dinner. You go first, Billy.’

  ‘Ain’t you gonna give Percy a hiding?’

  ‘No. Now do as you’re told and have a wash.’

  ‘That’s not fair. You gave me a hiding yesterday and I only nicked an apple off a stall.’

  ‘And how many times have I got to belt you before you stop thieving?’

  With a mutinous look on his face, yet knowing better than to argue, Billy left the room. Mabel heaved a sigh of exasperation, doubting she’d ever be able to knock any sense into her younger son. It had always been the same, Percy the good one, Billy the bad. She smiled at Percy now, thankful that she had at least one son she could be proud of.

  When dinner was ready, Hilda called Ellen to the table, but they had eaten only a few mouthfuls before the air raid siren sounded. Bombing raids were infrequent now and Clapham still remained mostly untouched, but despite this Hilda insisted they went to the nearby underground station for shelter.

  ‘Grab your gas mask, Ellen, and let’s go.’

  ‘Do we have to? Can’t we stay here?’

  ‘After what happened to your grandparents, I’m not going to risk it. Now don’t argue and get a move on,’ Hilda ordered as she rushed to pick up the bag that contained their papers, along with her own gas mask.

  Outside they joined up with Mabel and the boys, and soon Dora and Lucy appeared too.

  ‘I hope Cyril doesn’t get caught up in the air raid,’ Dora said worriedly. ‘Do get a move on, Lucy.’

  If bombs fell on Clapham, Hilda
knew she’d never be able to forgive herself for bringing Ellen back to danger, but as Gertie had sold the smallholding soon after they left, writing to say she was off to enlist in the ATS, there was no chance of going back to Somerset.

  Hilda still hadn’t answered Gertie’s letter and wondered where she was now – unaware that it wouldn’t be long before she got her answer.

  Chapter 17

  Gertie stood on the doorstep, straightening her shoulders and tugging down the jacket of her brown uniform. She had been surprised at how quickly she’d been able to sell the smallholding, the nearest farmer taking it on along with the animals. He had taken Bertie on too, and she still missed her little dog. Ellen had written just in time to thank her for sending the books, but soon after that Gertie had left Somerset behind.

  With her training over, this was the first chance she’d had to travel to London, but now Gertie hesitated before ringing the doorbell. She’d sent a letter with a return address, but Hilda hadn’t replied. Did that mean she wanted her to stay away? Or would she be pleased to see her? The December morning was chilly; the cold wind swirled around her legs as Gertie finally found the courage to ring the bell.

  It was Ellen who opened the door, her eyes lighting up with pleasure. ‘Gertie!’

  ‘Hello, darling, and look at you. You’re almost grown up.’

  ‘I’m thirteen now.’

  ‘I know, and I’m sorry it’s late, but I’ve brought your present.’

  Ellen smiled with delight as she took the package, and Gertie was struck by the change in her. She had small, burgeoning breasts, but other than that she looked gangly and coltish now, with long, thin legs; her dark hair was cut short and framed her pretty face.

  ‘Mum, Gertie’s here,’ Ellen called as she reached out a hand to take Gertie’s, pulling her inside.

  They crossed the small hall into the living room, Hilda saying when she saw Gertie, ‘Well, look what the cat dragged in.’

  Gertie had been holding her breath, but there was no trace of animosity in Hilda’s tone. Relieved, she said, ‘This is my first leave and I wanted to bring Ellen her birthday present.’

  ‘It seems funny to see you in a skirt,’ Hilda commented.

  ‘Don’t you like it?’ Gertie asked, removing her peaked hat.

  ‘It’s all right, but I can’t say the same for those shoes.’

  Gertie looked down at her shiny, black lace-ups, hating the way the just-below-knee-length skirt showed her fat ankles and chunky legs. ‘Yes, well, they aren’t the most flattering.’

  ‘Sit down, Gertie.’

  ‘All right, but I can’t stay long.’

  ‘Oh, thanks, Gertie,’ Ellen said smiling with delight as she unwrapped the book. ‘Look, Mum, it’s tips on gardening.’

  ‘Very nice,’ Hilda said dryly. ‘Anyway, Gertie, how are you enjoying life in the ATS?’

  ‘What does ATS stand for?’ asked Ellen.

  ‘Auxiliary Territorial Service,’ Gertie told her, ‘and I love it. I’m a driver now but, after Ned, learning to drive a car took some getting used to. I also had to learn all about what’s under the bonnet – the carburettor and cam shaft to name a couple of things.’

  ‘Sounds like double Dutch to me. I’m working in an engineering factory making parts for military vehicles, but I don’t know what they are.’

  ‘You didn’t answer my letter and I’ve been a bit worried about you. Is everything all right?’

  ‘Mum lost the baby,’ Ellen said.

  ‘Baby! What baby?’

  ‘I came back to London to find myself pregnant, but…but I miscarried.’

  ‘I’m so sorry. It must have been dreadful.’

  ‘Doug wrote to say that he was dead chuffed I was having a baby, but then I had to write again to say I’d lost it. I haven’t had a letter from him since then and dread to think how he took it.’

  ‘I’m sure he’ll be more concerned about you,’ Gertie said consolingly.

  Hilda’s eyes suddenly welled with tears. ‘Yeah, maybe, but can we talk about something else?’

  Gertie fumbled for something to say and turned to Ellen, asking, ‘What happened to your hair? It’s very short now.’

  ‘Nits,’ Ellen told her.

  ‘Oh, dear,’ Gertie murmured.

  ‘She picked them up not long after starting school,’ Hilda said. ‘I have to use a steel comb regularly now and it’s less painful when it’s that length.’

  ‘They weren’t half itchy,’ Ellen complained.

  ‘I bet,’ Gertie said, then turning to Hilda again, ‘I’ve got another bit of news. My father died last month.’

  ‘Did he? I’m sorry to hear that.’

  ‘Hilda, there’s no need to pretend. I know how you felt about my father and I don’t blame you.’

  ‘Yeah, well, despite everything, he was still your dad.’

  ‘I hadn’t seen him for years, and though we had an awful relationship I must admit I did shed a tear. Not only that, despite everything he said, all the vitriol thrown at me, he still left me as his heir.’

  ‘What? That great big house is yours now?’

  ‘Yes, and a fair bit of money, but I don’t ever want to live in that place again. If it survives this war, I’ll sell it.’

  ‘You’ll be stinking rich.’

  ‘Maybe, but money can’t buy you happiness,’ Gertie said sadly.

  ‘Only those who have got a few bob come out with that cherry.’

  ‘Yes, I suppose so. Anyway, where’s Socks?’

  ‘He went off soon after we got here.’

  ‘I looked and looked for him,’ Ellen said, ‘but he never came back.’

  ‘What a shame. I miss Bertie so know you must miss Socks too.’

  ‘I do, but Mum won’t let me have another cat.’

  ‘I have enough of a problem finding enough meat for us, without having to feed an animal too. Now go and fill the kettle. I expect Gertie will want a cup of tea.’

  ‘No, it’s all right; in fact, I’ve got to go now,’ Gertie said as she glanced at her watch.

  ‘What, already? You’ve only just got here.’

  ‘This is the first chance I’ve had to make an appointment to see my father’s solicitor and it’s at two o’clock. I don’t know how long I’ll be with him, and I’m due back on base at five.’

  ‘It’s Saturday. Haven’t you got the weekend off?’

  ‘I’m afraid there’s no nine to five in the army, Hilda. It doesn’t work like that and I’m on duty tonight.’

  Ellen ran up to Gertie, throwing thin arms around her waist. ‘Will you come again soon?’

  ‘I don’t know, darling. I’m based in England at the moment, but I could be sent abroad at any time.’

  Hilda stood up too. ‘It’s been nice to see you, Gertie.’

  ‘Do you mean that?’

  ‘Yeah, I mean it.’

  Gertie knew that she daren’t touch Hilda, that this fragile thread of friendship could still be easily broken. ‘Thanks, Hilda, but I really must go now.’

  Hilda and Ellen walked her to the door, saying goodbye, and Gertie lifted a hand to wave as she walked away. They still felt like her family and it had been nice to see them, but somehow the visit had emphasised how her life had already moved forward. She had made a few new friends in the ATS, one a bit special, but it was early days yet and she had at last learned to be cautious.

  ‘It was lovely to see Gertie,’ Ellen said. ‘I love my book and I think she looks nice in her uniform.’

  ‘She was only here for about ten minutes, but, yes, it was nice to see her.’

  ‘It’s only me,’ Mabel called. ‘Did I just see a woman in uniform leaving?’

  ‘If you had your nose pinned to the window, yes,’ Hilda said. ‘It was Gertie.’

  ‘I was just looking outside to see what the weather was like,’ Mabel protested. ‘I’m off to the shops and thought you might need a few things too.’

  ‘I do, but it’ll probably b
e a waste of time trying to find anything. Are you coming, Ellen?’

  ‘Can I go to play with Lucy?’

  ‘I suppose so,’ Hilda agreed, thinking her daughter was more in Dora’s place than their own. Ellen was taking Bible lessons too now, and, though it irritated Hilda when she went on and on about the church and Jesus, her daughter was happy and that was all that mattered.

  ‘Are you coming or not?’ Mabel asked impatiently.

  ‘Yeah, sorry, I was miles away. I’ll just get my coat.’

  The three of them left, pausing at Dora’s while Ellen knocked on the door, and, as soon as Lucy let her in, they walked swiftly on in an attempt to keep warm.

  ‘After what you told me when you came back from Somerset, Hilda, I’m surprised you kept in touch with Gertie.’

  ‘I didn’t answer her letters, but I’m sorry for that now.’

  ‘Don’t be daft. You should have sent her off with a flea in her ear!’

  ‘Ellen was so pleased to see her.’

  ‘I still think you should tell her to get lost.’

  ‘No, Mabel. I’ve had lots of time to think about it now. Gertie hasn’t had much of a life and has only known years of unhappiness. She was living like a recluse, and if I hadn’t asked her to put us up, none of it would have happened.’

  ‘That doesn’t make it right.’

  ‘Look, I don’t like Gertie’s preferences and find them abhorrent, but in a way I understand why her feelings were misplaced. We were with her for a long time, hardly saw anyone, and only had each other, along with Ellen for company. If there had been more people around, Gertie might have met someone of her own type, and I hope she does that now.’

  ‘Yeah, it would get her off your back.’

  Hilda knew that Mabel would never approve of Gertie, few people did. It would always be hard for Gertie, and even if she did meet someone it would have to be a relationship that remained hidden. Would Gertie ever find happiness? Hilda didn’t know, but they went back a long way and, despite what had happened, she hoped Gertie would.