Lost Angel

by Kitty Neale

  ‘It’s nice to have Hilda back,’ his mother said, smiling happily. ‘I said they could join us for dinner so I’d best get on with it. Percy will be home soon, and it’s about time your dad showed his face.’

  ‘Don’t do any dinner for me, Mum. I’m off out soon.’

  ‘Where to?’

  ‘I’m just meeting a mate, that’s all.’

  ‘Now that we’re back in London, I hope you ain’t up to mischief again. If you are, your dad will skin you alive.’

  ‘Mum, I ain’t a kid.’

  ‘You’re still only fourteen.’

  ‘Yeah, but I’ll be fifteen in October and surely that’s old enough to leave home?’

  ‘Of course it isn’t and if you’re going to go on about those stables again, forget it.’

  Billy hung his head. He felt an affinity to horses, loved them, and felt a surge of determination. No matter what his mum and dad said, one day he’d go to live in the country again. He’d find a job in a stable and whether there was a future in it or not, it was what he wanted to do.

  Chapter 29

  Ellen’s hopes were dashed. They had been back in London for over six weeks, but she’d seen little of Billy. She was always finding excuses to go up to Mabel’s flat, but Billy was rarely in and, if he was, he hardly spoke to her. She hadn’t found a job in a flower shop either, and had wanted to go on looking, but with her mother constantly nagging her to find a job, she had reluctantly found work in a local grocer’s shop, taking over from a woman who had given up the job when her husband had been demobilised. He was one of the first to come home when the mass demobilisation of British troops had begun two weeks ago, and, though they had victory in Europe, the war wasn’t over yet.

  Mabel had said lots of women would give up work when their men came home and she was proved to be right, though many of them were doing so reluctantly. Ellen would stand at the counter, listening to their complaints, and the little food on offer was another thing for them to moan about.

  It was nearly midday on Sunday morning, the sun shining through the window when Mabel called through the door, ‘It’s only me.’

  Ellen saw her father fold his newspaper, one passed on to him by Mabel’s husband, saying as he struggled to stand up, ‘I’m going down the pub.’

  ‘Doug, we haven’t got the money for pubs,’ her mum complained.

  ‘I was only going to have a half.’

  ‘We need food, not beer.’

  ‘Yeah, yeah, all right, there’s no need to nag. Is Jack in, Mabel?’

  ‘Yes, love.’

  ‘Right, I’ll go and have a chat with him. At least that costs nothing.’

  Ellen felt sorry for her dad. He had hoped to find work, but since their return his back had been so painful that he could hardly move. Bent at the waist, he shuffled slowly out as Ellen looked on sadly.

  ‘He looks rough, Hilda.’

  ‘Don’t you think I know that?’

  ‘There’s no need to snap.’

  ‘I’m sorry, Mabel, it’s just that I’m worried sick. With Doug unable to work and our savings all but gone, money is going to be really tight.’

  ‘When is he due to go before the medical board for reassessment?’

  ‘I don’t know.’

  ‘Maybe you should push it. When they see how bad he is now, surely they’ll grant him a full pension?’

  ‘I hope so, but in the meantime I’m going to have to tell him that I’ll have to get a job.’

  ‘I can lend you a few bob.’

  ‘No, Mabel, though thanks for the offer. If I can get a job, we’ll be all right.’

  ‘You’re not the only one with worries. Billy was out until all hours last night and I don’t know what the little sod was up to. If he’s gone back to his old ways and his dad finds out, there’ll be murder. Sometimes I wonder if I should have left him in Hampshire.’

  ‘If the job’s still open, he could go back.’

  ‘Jack won’t allow it, though perhaps I should have a go at persuading him to change his mind.’

  Ellen stared aghast at Mabel. No, no, that was the last thing she wanted. If Billy went back to Hampshire, she might never see him again.

  When Mabel left to go back upstairs, Hilda sat deep in thought. She dreaded putting her idea to Doug, but if she could find a decent-paying job it would solve their financial problems. Anyway, she decided, it was his fault that they’d been forced to this. He should have told her before – should have said that their lovemaking had made his back worse. Instead he had waited until it was too late and the damage irreparable. Hilda knew she was often short-tempered now, taking her worry out on both Doug and Ellen, but when she thought about their future, it looked so bleak.

  ‘Mum, I’m going to do a bit of work in the garden,’ said Ellen.

  ‘If you ask me, it’s a waste of time.’

  ‘I’ve given up on vegetables, but while we were away someone at the factory gave Percy some flower seeds. He sowed them, but didn’t thin them out and they won’t survive unless some are pulled up. He’s a bit heavy-handed so I said I’d show him how to do it.’

  Alone now, Hilda looked around the room. There was housework to do, but the old second-hand furniture hardly looked any better, no matter what she did. She’d once hoped to replace it, to re-decorate, but that was impossible now, with even the price of a pot of paint out of reach.

  She heard voices, recognising Doug’s, and soon after he shuffled in.

  ‘Ellen’s in the garden.’

  ‘I know that, Doug,’ she said shortly.

  ‘Still stroppy, I see.’

  Hilda felt a flare of anger, but took a deep breath. She needed to keep calm, and now said, ‘Doug, we can’t go on like this. Soon we won’t be able to pay the rent, and if we don’t want to find ourselves chucked out on the street, I’m going to have to find a job.’

  ‘I don’t want my wife working.’

  ‘Talk sense. We haven’t any choice.’

  ‘I might get a full pension when I go before the board again.’

  ‘Yes, but that could be months away.’

  ‘We’ll just have to manage until then.’

  It was no good, she had tried to stay calm, but now Hilda’s temper flamed again and she reared to her feet, hands on hips as she yelled, ‘Manage on what? The few quid you get barely pays the rent and with our savings nearly gone, it leaves nothing for food.’

  ‘My back might ease and then I’ll find a job, not you.’

  ‘Might! We can’t live on might! Like it or not, there’s only one thing for it. Until we find out one way or the other if you’re going to get a full pension, I’m going to get a job!’

  And on that note Hilda marched out of the room, slamming the door behind her.

  Unaware that her parents were rowing, Ellen walked in Mabel’s back door.

  ‘Percy, if you’re ready, I’ll show you how to thin out the seedlings.’

  ‘Yeah, great,’ he said eagerly.

  ‘I never thought you’d take to gardening, son.’

  ‘I enjoy it, Dad.’

  ‘It’s something he’s got in common with Ellen,’ Mabel told him. ‘She was always in the garden in Hampshire and you should have seen the smashing vegetables she grew.’

  ‘There’s not much chance of that here,’ Ellen said ruefully. ‘The soil’s no good, but it might improve if we had a decent bit of fertiliser.’

  ‘Yeah, like horse manure,’ Billy said.

  Ellen was unable to take her eyes off Billy and fumbled for something to say.

  ‘There isn’t much chance of getting horse manure around here.’

  ‘You could always follow behind the brewery dray horses and wait for them to dump a nice pile of shit.’

  ‘Billy!’

  ‘Sorry, Dad.’

  ‘I’m not having you using language like that in front of your mother, or Ellen. You were out late last night. Where were you?’

  ‘Just knocking about, you know, he
re and there.’

  ‘Who with?’

  ‘A mate and we met a couple of girls.’

  ‘You lying little toad! Girls, my foot. When I came out of the pub I saw you with Harry.’

  ‘That’s right, as I said, he’s a mate.’

  ‘I won’t have you mixing with the likes of him,’ Mabel cried.

  ‘I don’t know why. We weren’t up to anything illegal, and, anyway, Harry’s a laugh.’

  ‘A laugh! He’s a bleedin’ tea leaf.’

  ‘He’s not, Mum. He’s more a sort of entrepreneur.’

  ‘Entrepreneur, blimey, Billy, where did you get that word from?’ Percy asked.

  ‘It’s what Harry calls himself and I reckon I can learn a lot from him.’

  ‘That’s it!’ Mabel yelled. ‘I’ve had enough! Jack, before he gets up to Gawd knows what, I reckon he should go back to Hampshire.’

  Ellen’s stomach lurched, waiting for Jack’s reply.

  ‘Can’t you see that’s just what he’s after? Well, it ain’t going to work, son, so you’re wasting your time.’

  ‘I don’t know what you mean, Dad.’

  ‘The innocent face doesn’t wash with me, Billy. You think worrying the life out of your mother is a way to make me give in, but you can think again. You’re not helping your case, you’re hindering it. All you’re doing is showing that you can’t be trusted, and until I think you can be, I’m not letting you out of my sight.’

  ‘I didn’t mean to worry Mum, honest. It’s just that I miss Hampshire, the horses, and I want to go back.’

  ‘Jack, at least let’s talk about it,’ Mabel urged. ‘My mind’s made up and it’ll be a waste of time.’ Ellen felt a touch on her arm, Percy saying, ‘Come on, let’s go and get those seedlings sorted out.’

  ‘Yes, go on, Ellen, you don’t want to hear all this,’ Mabel urged.

  Ellen reluctantly followed Percy from the room, hoping Mabel wouldn’t be able to persuade her husband to change his mind.

  Percy went down the back stairs, thinking that with shortages for manufacturing during the war and so many railings taken to be melted down, it was a wonder the staircase, along with the rest in the street, had remained.

  He looked down at the emerging seedlings and saw how crammed in they were. It was just as well Ellen was going to show him how to thin them out or he’d probably have killed the lot. She was a nice girl and it was obvious that she had a huge crush on Billy. Not that his brother had noticed and that was just as well. Billy was no good, causing his mother nothing but worry, and if his dad could be persuaded to let him go back to the stables, Percy would be glad to see the back of him.

  ‘I reckon my mum will talk my dad round and he’ll let Billy go back to Hampshire.’

  ‘What! No!’

  ‘It’s the best place for him.’

  Ellen knelt on the ground, her neck bent and face hidden as she said, ‘We’ll need to water them first to avoid too much root damage. It would’ve been better if you’d started the seeds off in trays and then thinned them out, but we should be able to get out the weak-looking ones, leaving room for the others to grow.’

  ‘I’ll ask your mum if I can fill a bucket with water.’

  Ellen nodded and then stood up, her head still down, but Percy saw a tear running down her cheek and asked softly, ‘Are you all right?’

  ‘Oh, Percy, I don’t want Billy to go back to Hampshire.’

  She looked so unhappy, so vulnerable, and, without thinking, Percy wrapped his arms around her.

  ‘Listen, if Billy stays here and carries on the way he is, he could end up in jail.’

  It didn’t seem to console Ellen, her head on his chest as she cried. It was the first time Percy had held a girl in his arms, and, feeling her small breasts against him, he felt something happen that had him flushing with embarrassment. Bloody hell, what if Ellen felt it? Abruptly he pushed her away, saying gruffly, ‘I’ll get that water.’

  Thankfully Ellen didn’t follow him as he walked into Hilda’s kitchen, pausing as he fought to pull himself together, then calling, ‘Hilda, can I fill this bucket with water?’

  It was Doug who answered, ‘Help yourself.’

  Percy held the pail under the tap. He’d never thought of Ellen in that way before, seeing her as just a kid, but now knew he’d never be able to look at her in the same light again. How old was she? Yes, fourteen, and it appalled Percy that he now actually fancied someone so young. Yet she would be fifteen soon, in November, and in reality he was only a year older. She was still too young though – too young to even think about for now – but there would come a time when Ellen would be old enough for him to ask her out.

  Ellen stayed where she was. If her mother saw her in tears, she’d want to know what was wrong, and Ellen couldn’t face her questions. She knew what her mum would say – that this was just a childish crush – but it wasn’t. It wasn’t! She liked Billy, really liked him, and had hoped that, with Sheila out of the picture, he’d notice her. All right, so far it hadn’t happened, but given time, it might.

  If Billy went back to Hampshire, Sheila would be there waiting with open arms and Ellen couldn’t bear the thought of that. She sniffed, running her forefinger under her nose. She wanted to be the one who was held in Billy’s arms, wanted him to kiss her – not Sheila.

  Percy was gone only a short while, returning with a bucket of water.

  ‘Are you feeling better now?’ he asked gruffly, as he began to pour water over the plants.

  Ellen nodded, sniffed, and then seeing what he was doing, she said quickly, ‘No, don’t do it like that or you’ll flatten them. Just trickle it.’

  ‘Right,’ he said.

  Ellen knew they needed a watering can, but they had little in the way of gardening equipment. She wanted to get on with it, to bury her worries by concentrating on the task in hand. Working on her knees with the plants would soothe her raging thoughts, but the water would have to soak in first and that would take a while.

  She absentmindedly watched Percy as he now carefully trickled the water, her mind on Billy. His dad had been adamant, and maybe he’d still insist that Billy stayed in London…that thought brought her a glimmer of hope.

  Later that day, Mabel came downstairs, saying as she walked in, ‘I’m sorry about the racket, but it’s all sorted now.’

  Ellen looked up from the book she was reading as her mother asked, ‘What racket?’

  ‘I can’t believe you didn’t hear us. We’ve been rowing for hours, but at last Jack’s given in. If the job’s still open, Billy’s going back to Hampshire.’

  Ellen’s throat constricting, she croaked, ‘When?’

  ‘I’ll have to write to the head groom, Mr Dunning, first. Even if the job’s still going, there’ll be accommodation to sort out. He once said he could find something for Billy.’

  ‘I envy the lad. It was nice in Hampshire.’

  ‘It was, Doug,’ agreed Mabel, ‘and Billy’s so keen to go back that he isn’t worried about having anywhere to stay. He said he’d be happy to kip in the stables, but I’m not standing for that. He’ll be on tenterhooks now until we get a reply.’

  ‘I don’t think he’s got anything to worry about. From what I saw, Mr Dunning seemed to think a lot of Billy and I should think he’ll welcome him back.’

  Ellen wanted to deny her dad’s words, her only hope now that he was wrong: that the job had been filled and Billy would have to stay in London.

  ‘If he can’t fit him in, Billy’s talking about trying other stables,’ Mabel said. ‘He doesn’t care where as long as he can work with horses again.’

  It was no good; Ellen couldn’t sit there any longer.

  ‘I…I’m just going to my room for a minute.’

  She saw her mother’s questioning look, but ignored it and hurried to her bedroom where she flung herself onto the bed. Ellen’s eyes closed, the image of Billy in her mind, his handsome face, dark hair, cheeky grin and green eyes that sparked with
mischief. The thought of never seeing him again was unbearable, and Ellen clutched her pillow, fearing that her dream of being held in Billy’s arms was over.

  Chapter 30

  The letter had come ten days later, and Billy was now so excited about going back to Hampshire that he hardly spared Ellen a glance. She’d been mad to hope that he’d noticed her at last, and her unhappiness sat like a hard knot in her stomach.

  She still thought about the old woman and the runes, about the sign that would bring her peace, and she went to the Baptist church again, desperately hoping to find it there. It wasn’t the same pastor, but she enjoyed the service, the singing, the warmth of the atmosphere, and remained to talk to a few people when it was over.

  ‘I seem to know your face,’ an older woman said. ‘I know it’s been some time but didn’t you used to come here with Mrs Price and her daughter?’

  ‘Yes, that’s right.’

  ‘So many people have been scattered, but it’s lovely to see you again.’

  ‘I wasn’t sure if I should come here again.’

  ‘Why not?’ she asked, drawing Ellen to one side. ‘What’s troubling you, my dear?’

  ‘I was told by an old woman who used rune stones that I would see a sign, but I haven’t. I was hoping to find it here. Do you think it’s here?’

  ‘This is God’s house, not the home of the devil. It’s wrong to use rune stones and to consult anyone who casts them.’

  ‘My mother didn’t consult anyone, but a woman once approached her and said she’d had a vision. In it she saw that my father hadn’t gone down with his ship. He was alive and coming home. She was right too.’

  ‘It is still a form of fortune telling, misguided and against God’s teachings.’

  ‘My mother was distressed and the woman was trying to comfort her. Surely that was the Christian thing to do?’

  ‘If she was a Christian and the vision came from God, then yes. Was she a Christian?’