Time After Time

by Hannah McKinnon

  ‘Really?’ Hayley tried not to read much into the statement but couldn’t stop the excitement that bounced around in her belly. She started to grin.

  ‘Yeah. It’s on the first floor of a house in Hammersmith, near Yeldham Road. It isn’t very big but I think the rent’s reasonable.’ He looked at her and wrinkled his nose. ‘Nah. Forget it. Doesn’t look like you’re that interested.’ He pretended to leave but she caught the smile on his face.

  ‘Tony,’ she said, grabbing onto his arm, ‘If you take one more step I’ll staple your tie to my brand new desk.’

  She rushed out to see the flat that same day and moved in a week later. Ellen helped her furnish it exactly the way Hayley wanted it; warm and peaceful with cheap, ‘gently used’ pieces and hand-me-downs. She found a squishy red sofa and a bashed-up pine coffee table she swore she’d let everybody put their feet on. When she brought it home she smiled, thinking that Ian wouldn’t be seen dead with something so passé in his sterile living room, nor would he have approved of her buying a PlayStation and Tomb Raider.

  The landlord agreed to take up the old, stained carpets and replace them with laminate throughout the flat, and she added a few area rugs for splashes of colour. For her bedroom she purposely bought a new duvet and soft pastel-flowered bedding only she had slept on.

  This is my home.

  She never brought a man back to her flat because she didn’t want to contaminate it with memories of bad dates. Instead, she had a few choice encounters but always went back to theirs.

  Hayley wrote a note that said ‘I will not let myself be hurt again’ and stuck it on her bathroom mirror. It became the mantra she repeated daily and she meant every word.

  Sitting at her desk at work on a sunny Friday morning, Hayley smiled. She finally felt back in control, healthy and, despite being alone, much happier than she had in ages. Her phone rang.

  ‘Hayley Adams.’

  ‘Hey,’ Ellen said. ‘How are you?’

  ‘Perfect. Guess what? I realised I haven’t thought about Ian for almost three days. Well, I did just now but that doesn’t count. I think I’m over him.’

  ‘That’s great, good for you. Still coming over tonight? We’ll celebrate. See you at seven?’

  ‘Yup. See you.’

  The phone rang again as soon as Hayley put it down.

  ‘Yes, yes, I’ll bring the curry,’ Hayley said, laughing.

  ‘Curry? Hayley, it’s Ian.’

  Hayley’s hand slipped and she almost dropped the phone.

  Just when I thought it was safe to go back in the water …

  ‘I know it’s been a while,’ Ian continued. ‘I’m in the city on business. Have lunch with me today?’

  Tell him to go fuck himself.

  ‘That would be nice,’ she answered.

  Damn it! You stupid cow.

  ‘I’ll pick you up at twelve.’ Ian hung up before she could change her mind.

  The next two hours were torture. Tony asked her to join a conference call and she couldn’t remember the names of any of the participants, despite being told twice.

  Hayley thought about ringing Ellen but figured she’d rush over, tie Hayley to her chair and scratch Ian’s eyes out with a paperclip. Besides, she needed to find out what he wanted. It was lunch. That was all. Lunch.

  At ten to twelve Hayley waited outside the building for Ian. She didn’t want to seem overly keen, but the alternative meant setting the Simpson & Partners rumour mills in motion.

  As she started wondering if he’d even show up, she spotted him walking towards her, as confident as ever, elegantly clad in one of his tailor-made suits. The foundations of her steely determination to remain aloof started to warp and when Ian kissed Hayley gently on the cheek she felt them collapse altogether.

  Don’t you dare let him back in your heart. Don’t … ohhh … crap!

  He smiled at her and softly brushed her cheek with his fingers, then tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. The gesture immediately resurrected feelings that, only earlier that morning, Hayley had almost been certain were dead and buried.

  ‘You’re still wearing the earrings I gave you,’ he said, and she nodded, realising that he’d never really left her heart. Not completely.

  He took her back to The Ivy but Hayley declined his suggestion of champagne or wine and asked the waiter for sparkling water instead. She’d stopped drinking so much and besides, she couldn’t afford for her head to be anything but clear.

  ‘So how’s work?’ he said.

  ‘Very good, actually.’

  ‘I hear you’ve had quite the promotion. Managing your own mergers. Is that true?’

  She frowned. ‘How do you know that?’

  Ian smiled. ‘I could use your help with a business proposal another firm put together.’

  ‘Is that why you called?’ she said. ‘For business?’

  He smiled again, sat back in his chair, crossed his legs and adjusted the cuffs of his shirt.

  Damn it, he’s still sexy. He’s like a snake charmer. I can’t help myself.

  ‘Not only … I needed to see you.’

  ‘Why?’

  ‘Because I needed to know how I feel about you.’ He looked at her.

  ‘And?’ She held her breath

  ‘I’ve missed you.’

  Hayley had imagined the conversation in her head so many times since they’d split up. The stuff of fairy tales; the man who couldn’t commit realising she was The One after all. She’d had an entire speech planned for this unlikely eventuality, but couldn’t remember a single word. So she sat there for a few seconds, considering her choices.

  Option 1: let him carry me off into the sunset. Hope he’s changed.

  Option 2: tell him to piss off. Throw my drink at him. Storm out.

  She remembered how he’d pushed her aside like a used toothbrush. Twelve months had helped her to gain some perspective but she hadn’t forgotten. Her grip on her glass of water tightened and she let it go before it shattered.

  There is an Option 3 …

  Before she could stop herself she spoke, her voice husky.

  ‘Where are you staying?’

  ‘At the Ritz.’

  ‘Let’s go.’

  Hayley stood up and walked out, with Ian running behind her. They got into a taxi in front of the restaurant.

  ‘The Ritz please,’ she told the driver.

  ‘Hayley, what –’

  ‘Don’t talk, Ian. Don’t say a word.’

  As soon as they got to his room she kicked off her shoes. ‘Get a condom,’ she said. Then she pushed him back onto the bed, pulled off his trousers and hoisted up her skirt. He was already hard when she straddled him.

  ‘You’re not allowed to come, do you hear me?’ she hissed in his ear, slipping him inside her.

  ‘I’ll do anything you want me to,’ Ian groaned and smiled wryly. ‘You’re the boss.’ He panted as he reached for her breasts.

  ‘No,’ she said, pushing his hands down to her hips. ‘Not this time.’

  She rocked back and forth slowly, taking her time, focusing only on herself. She could feel him watching everything she did and everywhere she touched, and she didn’t care. He may have been a bastard, but when he’d wanted sex he’d been good, and she hadn’t had any for ages. As soon as she climaxed, she moved off him and started straightening out her clothes.

  ‘Where are you going, babe?’ Ian asked, reaching out for her. ‘It’s my turn.’

  ‘Back to work. I have a meeting.’

  ‘Oh,’ he said, his voice tinged with disappointment. ‘But wow, I mean, wow. I’ve never seen you like that before. You were incredible.’

  ‘I know.’

  He looked her up and down. ‘You’re different. Who’s been teaching you new tricks? No – don’t tell me, I’ll want to kill him. Or thank him.’

  ‘I’m sure.’

  ‘I knew you’d come back to me, although I thought you’d put up more of a fight.’ He chuckled and lay
back on the bed, putting his hands behind his head. ‘I want to see you tonight. You can show me what else you’ve learned. And we’ll discuss the contract clauses you’ll craft for me.’

  ‘No thanks,’ Hayley said, deadpan.

  ‘Tomorrow then?’

  ‘I don’t think so.’

  ‘So when? I want to see you.’

  She smiled. ‘Never, Ian.’

  ‘What do you mean, never?’ He sat up and waved the condom wrapper around. ‘What was this all about then?’

  ‘I fancied some sex.’ She shrugged as she looked him up and down and he covered his lower body with a sheet. ‘When you called I figured you’d do. But frankly, Ian, you were quite disappointing. Maybe it’s your age?’

  ‘What, but –’

  ‘Don’t call me again.’ She turned on her heel and walked out of the hotel room. The look of absolute disbelief on Ian’s face made her grin like crazy all the way back to the office, so she phoned Ellen.

  ‘You did what?’ she screeched down the phone. ‘I can’t believe it. Girl power!’

  Hayley felt like a tornado, or a hurricane. And everybody knew that you shouldn’t get in the way of one of those.

  And then the phone rang.

  ‘Hayley Adams.’

  ‘Let me see you tonight, Hayley. I can make it interesting for you. Both financially and … otherwise.’

  ‘Ian …’ she said sweetly.

  He paused. ‘Yes?’

  ‘Go fuck yourself.’

  CHAPTER 24

  A Perfect Lie

  ‘You should never have taken him back,’ Ellen said, shaking her head. ‘He saw you as a challenge again when you shagged him at the hotel. I wish you’d told him to sod off afterwards. You wouldn’t be in this mess if you had.’

  Hayley’s hands shook as she sipped her tea.

  ‘When you blew me off that night for him, I knew it would get bad again. Then the gifts, the weekends away. You blanked out the way he’d treated you. He –’

  ‘Bought me,’ Hayley said, matter of fact.

  ‘Yeah, and then he got you to work for him,’ Ellen said, wiping her hand on her jeans, ‘and you lost all your friends from the office too.’

  ‘I looked happy in our wedding photo though,’ Hayley said.

  Ellen’s tone hardened. ‘Only because you didn’t see what I saw that day.’

  ‘What?’

  ‘You know. What I told you a few years ago.’

  ‘Tell me again.’

  Ellen grimaced. ‘Ian and the waiter coming out of the guest room.’

  Hayley’s eyes widened. ‘Waiter?’

  ‘The prick laughed at me when I confronted him,’ Ellen said, and Hayley could tell the details of the exchange were still fresh in her mind. ‘He said you’d never believe me.’

  ‘He’s gay? Well that explains a few things.’

  ‘Hang on, I thought you said he was bi?’ Ellen said. ‘Has the drinking affected your … Anyway, I wish I’d had the guts to tell you as soon as I knew. It would have been better than you walking in on his tailor giving him a blow-job.’

  ‘Oh bloody hell,’ Hayley said.

  ‘Yeah. For better or worse. My arse.’

  ‘It’s all for show,’ Hayley said, more to herself than to Ellen. ‘The marriage, the house, everything.’

  ‘Yup,’ Ellen said. ‘That’s what you get in the conservative business world, I suppose. And yet you still insist everything’s absolutely perfect … A perfect lie more like.’

  Hayley puffed out her cheeks and sat back in the sofa. ‘No wonder you hate me.’

  ‘I don’t hate you. I just don’t like you very much anymore. I don’t even really know you.’

  Hayley winced. During all her ‘What if?’ daydreams, not once had she imagined a scenario where the two of them wouldn’t be close. They’d been best friends for so long they knew each other better than anyone – even their partners – and sometimes even themselves.

  ‘What about you and Mark?’ Hayley said. ‘And why did you get a lizard? What about … what about a baby, Ellen?’

  Ellen’s eyes glistened. ‘You know very well we couldn’t afford another round of IVF.’

  ‘But I could have paid for it.’

  Ellen raised her eyebrows. ‘You’ve got some balls. Don’t you remember what you said?’

  Hayley shook her head then stopped as another vague memory resurfaced. ‘I think so … I … I said I’d consulted Ian and that he didn’t approve.’ She paused. ‘Didn’t I?’

  Ellen nodded. ‘Exactly.’

  ‘Christ almighty. That’s awful.’

  ‘Yes,’ Ellen whispered. ‘It’s one of the most hurtful things you’ve ever said. Don’t get me wrong, I didn’t expect a hand-out or think I was owed one. But it was the way you said it. Like … like you were considering a business deal or something.’

  ‘Oh, Ellen. I’m so sorry. I should have given you the money and told Ian I’d spent it on shoes.’ As if to make a point she kicked her Louboutins with her feet. ‘God knows I’ve got enough of them.’

  Ellen half-smiled.

  ‘And Mum and Dad? Do you ever speak to them?’

  ‘More than you do, that’s for sure. When you’re on a bender you –’ Ellen stopped talking when Hayley looked down, and Ellen exhaled. ‘Your mum calls me,’ she said quietly. ‘She told me you’ve only seen them once this year.’

  Hayley gulped.

  ‘I don’t know how you can be like that,’ Ellen said. ‘He’s your dad. Sure, you give them money, but you’re hiding from them. From all of us.’ She paused. ‘The drink has made you lonelier you know. I don’t think you have any friends left.’

  ‘Except for my personal trainer,’ Hayley said, shaking her head. ‘Apparently.’

  ‘You’re still sleeping with Justin?’ Ellen said. ‘He’s hot.’

  ‘And … and I’m having an affair with George Fitzpatrick.’

  ‘The George Fitzpatrick? Ian’s business partner?’ Ellen asked with round eyes, and burst out laughing. ‘Seriously?’

  ‘Not that I remember it. Thankfully.’

  ‘Shit, Hayley,’ Ellen said, all laughter gone and her voice urgent. ‘You can’t go on like this.’

  Hayley heard the distinct creak of the front door opening and Mark shouted, ‘Is it safe to come in yet? Only my nuts are the size of raisins.’

  Ellen looked at Hayley. ‘Yes, come on in,’ she called out.

  Hayley got up and reached for her shoes. ‘I’m sorry I let you down.’

  ‘Just get yourself sorted out, Hayley.’ Ellen patted her arm. ‘And I’m here for you.’

  Mark walked into the living room. ‘You two on the road to becoming BFF’s again?’ He looked at them and Ellen nodded. ‘Welcome back.’ Mark hugged Hayley. ‘We’ve missed you.’

  ‘Me too,’ said Hayley. ‘But I have to get going. It’s time.’

  ‘Shall I call you a taxi?’ Ellen asked and turned away, but Hayley spotted the tears glistening in her eyes.

  As they said their goodbyes Hayley hugged Ellen and didn’t want to let go, but the taxi arrived – her cue to leave.

  ‘Where to, love?’ asked the driver.

  Where to indeed? She couldn’t face her parents without calling them first and besides, she didn’t feel ready. There was only one place she could go.

  *

  Standing in front of the massive house she took a deep breath, the cold London air filling her lungs. She didn’t want to see Ian but she knew she had to go back inside.

  If I’m right, I have to go to sleep where I woke up. But what if I’m wrong? What if?

  Hayley didn’t dwell on the thought. She couldn’t even begin to contemplate that this day was anything other a glimpse, a blip. Anything more permanent was too petrifying.

  Digging around in her bag she found her keys and unlocked the heavy front door. As soon as she walked into the huge hall, Ian strode out of the dining room, his mobile phone in his hand.

  ‘Where
the fuck have you been? I tried calling you at least twenty times.’

  ‘I went –’

  ‘Do you have any idea how stupid you made me look?’

  ‘I needed to get some air,’ she said. Then she reconsidered. She didn’t need to lie. She shouldn’t lie. He needed to hear the truth, even if he never remembered it, even if this was all a figment of her imagination. At least she’d have the satisfaction of knowing she’d put him where he belonged – in his place. ‘Actually, that’s bullshit,’ she said. ‘I went to see Ellen.’

  ‘What would you possibly want to see her for?’

  She put her bag down on the cold, marble floor. ‘I needed answers, Ian. I needed to understand what’s happened to me.’

  ‘I think that’s fairly obvious.’ He looked at her, eyes full of contempt.

  ‘Yup. It certainly is.’ She put a hand up. ‘My name’s Hayley and I’m an alcoholic.’

  He drew in a sharp breath. ‘You’re admitting it?’

  She laughed. ‘Ian, I woke up this morning flat out on the bathroom floor, next to bottle of booze. I needed a few drinks before lunch time and Ellen filled me in on the rest of my pathetic behaviour.’

  ‘I can’t believe this,’ Ian said, pacing around the hall. ‘My wife’s officially an alcoholic. At least until now I could pretend you weren’t.’

  ‘You mean like you pretend you’re straight?’ she shot back at him.

  When he turned around she noticed the stiffness in his jaw and she walked past him into the dining room. She sat down at the table. He followed her but remained standing.

  ‘Don’t worry,’ she said without looking up. ‘I’ll be gone by tomorrow anyway.’

  Oh I hope I will be … Please, please, let me get out of here.

  ‘The hell you will,’ he said, pointing a finger at her. ‘How will I explain that to everyone? No, you’re my wife. You’ll stay here and –’

  ‘Oh do shut up,’ Hayley said, standing up and almost reaching his full height in her heels. ‘Will you, please. This whole marriage is a sham. We don’t even like each other.’

  ‘We both agreed to the arrangement and said we’d overlook the infidelities.’

  ‘Overlook the infidelities?’ she repeated, trying not to laugh.

  Ian looked puzzled and Hayley was almost bemused by his expression. He was so used to getting his own way, through charm or force. At one point it had been a quality she’d admired – one she’d even wanted to emulate.