Time After Time

by Hannah McKinnon

  She briefly wondered where her wedding ring could be as she looked at herself in the mirror. Her shoulder-length hair was cut in a neat bob, and her skin had a healthy glow. Her body felt toned and muscular. She unbuttoned her jeans and peered down her stomach. No C-section scar, not that that meant anything, but the apartment showed no signs of children living in it.

  Weird … but we seem happy.

  She went back to the kitchen and rustled around in the fridge for eggs, milk and butter, then found a saucepan and started cooking. It surprised her how natural it felt, almost normal in a strange way. She hesitated for a second to find the right words in her mind.

  Nice and comfortable.

  It was such a contrast to her real life. With Matthew things seemed calm, unflustered – the way they used to be with Rick. But these days the mundane shit had taken up so much space it was overwhelming, stifling them both and gnawing away at their happiness, constantly returning like the tide to the beach.

  Matthew came back to the kitchen wearing a pair of faded jeans and a green V-neck, long-sleeved sweater that beautifully contrasted his skin tone. When he walked by her to open the window, she couldn’t help looking at his toned bum, perfectly framed in his jeans.

  ‘Thanks for cooking, love, I didn’t expect you to,’ he said as he watched her stir the eggs in the frying pan. He laid the table and then slipped his hands around her waist. When he leaned towards her, she instinctively let him kiss her on the lips. She turned away quickly, hardly able to believe what she’d done.

  But he’s gorgeous and kind … Why wasn’t there any real oomph between us?

  ‘Ah, your famous scrambled eggs for lunch, lovely,’ he said, as he started buttering two pieces of whole wheat toast. ‘I’m starving.’

  They sat at the table but when she picked up her fork, she noticed the trembling in her hand. She put the fork down, afraid he might see how badly she was shaking.

  I can’t be … Not with Matthew, surely?

  ‘Did I … did I have too much to drink last night?’

  Matthew laughed. ‘Neither of us had more than a glass of red. Quite the party animals, aren’t we?’

  Hayley attempted a smile. ‘So you don’t think I drink too much then?’ She swallowed.

  He popped a forkful of eggs in his mouth. ‘Hardly. That bottle of white’s been in the fridge for two weeks. Wow,’ he licked his lips. ‘These eggs are great. Did you do something different?’

  ‘Cream cheese,’ she said with a broad smile and dug into her meal.

  ‘Do you still have work to do this afternoon?’ Matthew said as he finished the last of his toast.

  ‘Uh-huh.’ Hayley sipped her tea.

  ‘Charles has really piled on the projects since Ronald died, hasn’t he? I hope you’ll find something else soon. Then you can tell Charles to shove it.’

  Hayley’s stomach lurched.

  How many times has Rick said that …? Rick …

  She’d hardly thought about him all day.

  Am I forgetting them already? Breathe. It’s a glimpse. I’ll be home again soon, won’t I?

  ‘I’ll be fine,’ she said, taking a deep breath. ‘What are you up to today?’

  ‘Taking Alan clothes shopping. Susan thinks he’ll listen to me but I’m not so sure.’ He smiled. ‘She’s picking you up later, right?’

  ‘Er, I’m not sure,’ Hayley said as she wondered who Susan was. ‘So how’s Alan?’

  ‘Great,’ Matthew said. He started clearing the table and gestured for her to stay seated. ‘He wants me to help him choose something for her. I can’t believe it’s their fourth anniversary already.’

  Hayley smiled back. Alan was married. ‘You used to worry he wouldn’t find anyone.’

  ‘I know,’ Matthew said, bending over to stack the dishwasher. ‘But he did, right? Thanks to you he got the perfect job and the perfect girl.’

  Hayley tried to force her mind to connect the dots but she didn’t remember helping Alan with his love life or his career. ‘So, uh,’ she said, ‘he’s still enjoying work?’

  ‘God, I bet he’ll tell me how much he loves the library at least ten times today.’ Matthew laughed. ‘It was so lucky that Ronald’s sister-in-law needed someone, wasn’t it?’

  Ohhh, so that’s how I helped him.

  She grinned. ‘You always said Alan was born with his nose stuck in a book.’

  ‘It’s true.’ Matthew smiled as he came over to wipe the table. ‘Although how him and Susan work and live together is a mystery to me.’

  Hayley fell silent, thinking about what he’d said. In her ‘real’ life with Rick she’d met Ronald’s sister-in-law after she’d split up with Matthew, and she’d certainly never introduced her to Alan.

  It’s a glimpse of something good that could have been. But look at Mark and Ellen …

  Hayley watched as Matthew finished clearing up the kitchen, and she thought that he really hadn’t changed much at all.

  Why did I leave him in the first place? Oh come on, you know why.

  Matthew grabbed his coat, stuffed his keys in the pocket and picked up his wallet. ‘I’d better get going or I’ll be late,’ he said. ‘I should be back at around six or so. Don’t forget we’re going to Antonio’s at seven-thirty.’

  ‘Antonio’s?’ She hadn’t been since she’d split up with Matthew. It had been their favourite restaurant and it wouldn’t have felt right going there with another man, even with Rick. ‘I haven’t been there in ages.’

  ‘We were there last month,’ he said with a grin. ‘If that’s ages, then what do you call the amount of time we’ve been together?’

  After Matthew left the apartment, Hayley made her way to the bedroom. She could tell that she’d had a hand in the decorating because it wasn’t as sparse and as bachelor-like as when they’d been dating. Back then, Matthew only had a double bed and a wooden crate, which he used as a makeshift bedside table, in the room, but that had all changed.

  Now a king-size bed with a white, glossy laminated frame dominated the room. The rich, blue and off-white flowers on the duvet and matching pillow cases were understated yet feminine. A large picture of softly painted blue and purple lilies hung above the bed. The entire room had a distinctly calming quality to it.

  She sat on the left-hand side of the bed – the side she’d slept on when they’d dated – and opened the bedside table drawer. She found a copy of Room by Emma Donoghue, cherry lip balm and a packet of tissues. Not dissimilar to her bedside table at home, except she had a packet of condoms there that had lasted her and Rick over a year. Hayley sighed and wondered if her sex life with Matthew was alive and well, or if it had ever become more exciting. Then she rolled over to Matthew’s side and inspected the contents of his bedside table too. It had Nelson Mandela’s biography, a torch and two watches.

  Across from the bed was a low, wide cabinet with a flat screen television on it as well as some candles and a brown, wooden jewellery box. A dressing table and a chair were the only other things in the bedroom, and Hayley could easily imagine herself sitting there, getting ready in the morning for work.

  I wonder where we got married.

  She smiled, surprised by the curiosity that had taken over rather than the desperation to run away in blind panic. In fact, she realised with a big grin as she glanced around the empty flat, she was looking forward to having dinner with him to discover more about their lives together.

  CHAPTER 29

  1997

  Same Old, Same Old

  One damp and cold December afternoon, six months after Ellen and Mark’s wedding, Hayley and Ellen were sitting in the warmth of Café Julienne, just off Oxford Street. They’d been Christmas shopping and had, at last, finished trudging around the cold, damp streets of London, trying to find gifts for family and friends. Ellen had spent forever looking for something for Mark. She wanted to get a special present for their first Christmas as husband and wife, so she’d settled on a sleek silver pen, and had his name engra
ved on it.

  ‘What did you get for Matthew again?’ she asked, blowing on her steaming decaf, speckles of froth flying onto the table.

  ‘The cashmere sweater and gloves,’ Hayley answered. ‘He said the other day he’s lost one of his.’

  Ellen looked at her with a funny expression, a combination of a frown and a wrinkled nose.

  ‘What’s with the look?’

  ‘A sweater and a pair of gloves?’ Ellen said. ‘Shouldn’t your present be more … well … significant?’

  ‘What do you mean?’ Hayley wriggled uncomfortably in her seat.

  ‘They’re not very personal presents for someone you’ve been going out with for a year.’

  ‘I could give him some underwear. That’s pretty personal,’ Hayley answered with a giggle. ‘Maybe some of my underwear. Would that meet with your approval?’

  ‘That’s not what I mean,’ Ellen answered, laughing. ‘You’ve got him practical presents when you should still be at the over-the-top presents stage.’ She paused. ‘Can I ask you something?’

  ‘Course you can. Anything.’

  ‘Are you happy with Matthew? I mean, really happy?’

  ‘Define really happy,’ Hayley answered. She thought she could tell where the conversation was going and if she was right, it wasn’t a destination she particularly wanted to visit.

  ‘Do you get goose bumps when you see him?’ asked Ellen. ‘Do you miss him so much sometimes your stomach aches? Do you doodle your name and his surname when you’re speaking to him on the phone?’

  ‘Struth, Ellen, listen to you. I’m twenty-six, not twelve.’ Hayley laughed. ‘That stuff only happens in films and kitschy romance novels. It doesn’t last.’

  Ellen shook her head. ‘It’s not only in books and films and it does last. When Mark was away last week I hated sleeping without him. He phoned me twice that evening and we stayed up talking until one. I felt so knackered the next day I almost gave Mrs. Hutchinson purple hair.’

  ‘Oh pass me the sick bag,’ Hayley said as she pretended to retch. She didn’t often feel jealous of Mark and Ellen, but sometimes – only sometimes – she couldn’t help it. ‘You can’t still be in the honeymoon phase. That’s impossible after ten years.’

  ‘No it isn’t,’ Ellen insisted. ‘Not if you’re with the right person.’

  ‘Well I’ve never felt like that with Matthew.’

  ‘Do you love him?’ Ellen asked, looking serious again.

  Hayley shrugged. ‘Yeah, but I’m not necessarily the best judge of that. I thought I loved Chris and Ian and look where that ended up.’

  ‘It was passion with Chris and infatuation with Ian,’ Ellen said, waving her hand around. ‘Doesn’t count. How do you feel about Matthew?’

  She thought for a moment, and then Hayley said, ‘It’s nice, it’s comfortable.’

  ‘Jesus, so is my armchair but I don’t want to go out with it,’ Ellen said. ‘Nice and comfortable. Really? Is that the best you can do?’

  ‘Oh give me a break.’ But Hayley couldn’t help feeling that Ellen had put her finger on something she had been trying to ignore. She sighed. ‘Honestly, he’s a nice guy. On paper, he’s Mr. Right and I really can’t fault him.’

  ‘So what’s the problem?’

  Hayley exhaled loudly. ‘You said yourself that with Chris it was passion, and that’s true. With Ian it was definitely infatuation. Remember the state I was in when he didn’t call? I don’t have any of that with Matthew. No, he doesn’t make me feel all goose bumpy but he doesn’t treat me like shit either.’

  Ellen took a sip of her coffee. ‘How’s the sex?’

  Hayley looked around, wondering how much the couple at the next table could hear. She lowered her voice. ‘It’s still …’

  ‘Let me guess,’ Ellen said loudly. ‘Nice and comfortable?’

  ‘Shh. Stop it. It’s fine.’

  But Ellen didn’t seem to be in the mood for backing down. ‘Still not the throw-me-down-rip-my-clothes-off-ravage-me-now type stuff?’

  Hayley shook her head. ‘No. I always, you know, come,’ she whispered, ‘but it’s not Mills and Boon.’

  Ellen stopped talking for a few seconds. ‘Where do you see your relationship going then?’

  ‘For crying out loud. What’s with the third degree? You sound like a shrink.’

  Ellen stared at her and said nothing.

  Hayley shrugged ‘Dunno, okay? We see each other when we want to, we don’t when we don’t. It’s easy. Uncomplicated. And most importantly, I’m not getting my heart stomped on again.’

  ‘Have you talked about getting married yet?’ Ellen peeled the paper wrapper off her banana muffin and bit off a large chunk.

  ‘No. We’re still at the getting-to-know-each-other stage.’

  Ellen shook her head and swallowed. ‘Nu-uh. Not after a year you’re not. You’re well into serious relationship mode. What about kids? Does he want them?’

  Hayley rolled her eyes. ‘I still don’t know if I want kids. He’s mentioned he might want them one day, but we’ve never really talked about it in detail.’ She started to squirm in her seat again. ‘Anyway, it’s not like I have to make any decisions, things can continue as they are, you know, if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.’

  Ellen stared at her, shaking her head. ‘Nah, you need to figure out if what you have with Matthew is enough. Otherwise what’s the point? I mean, is he your soulmate?’

  ‘You know I don’t believe in soulmates,’ Hayley answered before she emptied her coffee cup, stuffing her feelings back into their box and nailing the lid shut. ‘Shall we go?’

  *

  The next day Hayley went for lunch at her parents’ home with Jackie, Ray and their boys.

  ‘Where’s Magnificent Matthew?’ Jackie asked as she hugged Hayley.

  Hayley laughed. ‘Rowing race.’

  ‘Bummer. Both Ray and me were looking forward to seeing him. Lucas and Sam too.’ Jackie shrugged. ‘Oh well, at least us two can have a good natter, right?’

  ‘Yeah,’ Hayley said, hoping that wasn’t code for another discussion about her relationship with Matthew. Ellen and Jackie were as bad as each other.

  Once everyone was seated around the table, Ray stood up and tapped his glass with his knife.

  ‘I have a major announcement,’ he declared in a deeper than usual voice. ‘So I need your undivided attention before we all eat, drink and get very merry.’

  Everybody fell silent and he continued. ‘Jackie and I have been at it again –’

  ‘Ray!’ Jackie said, hiding behind her hands.

  Ray laughed. ‘Sorry dear. Anyway, you’re the first to know that baby number three will make an appearance in July.’

  They all cheered and Karen rushed to give Jackie a hug. Stan grabbed hold of Ray’s hand and shook it so hard it looked like it might come off. Jackie grinned like a cat on a cream high.

  ‘Blimey, eh?’ she said to Hayley as the commotion died down. ‘He wouldn’t let me tell you. Said he wanted to make the dramatic announcement this time.’

  Hayley giggled. ‘It’s not dramatic, it’s great.’

  ‘Yeah,’ Jackie said. ‘But three kids! If it’s another boy I’ll bloody kill Ray, I really will.’

  Hayley laughed again but wondered if perhaps she should figure out where she wanted her relationship with Matthew to go. But then she tucked the nagging questions away at the back of her mind, happy to keep on ignoring them instead. Where was the harm in that?

  CHAPTER 30

  Hold Me (Back)

  Hayley showered and dried her hair, put on her make-up and was applying the last coat of mascara when the phone rang. She ran around Matthew’s flat trying to find it, finally locating it in the living room under a cushion.

  ‘Hello?’

  ‘Hello, love, how are you? Thought I’d give you a quick call to catch up.’

  ‘Mum! It’s so good to hear your voice. How are you? How’s Dad?’

  ‘Oh, fine, fine.
He’s having a snooze and I’ll take him out for a walk later. Are you okay? You sound a bit flustered.’

  ‘I’m fine. You took Dad out? You mean in his wheelchair?’ Hayley held her breath.

  ‘Yes, love, of course. Anyway, I’m glad it stopped raining overnight so we can get some fresh air and …’

  As she listened to her mother speak, Hayley thought back to everything she’d discovered the previous day. They would have known she was a miserable alcoholic. Shame on her for putting them through that while they were dealing with her father’s stroke. Shame on her.

  It was a glimpse. It never really happened. As far as they know I’m with Matthew.

  But it still made her squirm.

  ‘I’ve missed you,’ Hayley said suddenly.

  ‘Oh, well.’ She could hear her mother’s smile through the phone. ‘We’ve missed you too. How’s Matthew?’

  ‘He’s …’ Hayley thought for a second, ‘He’s great.’ She almost added how good it was to see him. ‘He’s taking me to Antonio’s tonight.’ A smile spread across her face.

  ‘Oh really?’ Karen said. ‘Do you think he’s going to ask you again?’

  ‘Ask me what?’

  ‘You know what I mean. I haven’t given up on you two tying the knot yet.’

  ‘We’re not married?’ Hayley said. She remembered what Mark had said earlier; As good as. She scratched her head. ‘We’re not married,’ she repeated, this time as a statement rather than a question.

  ‘Well, you know how Dad always joked you were trying to break the record for the longest engagement. And before you say anything, I know things with Matthew are fine the way they are but …’ She stopped. ‘Never mind.’

  ‘No, go on,’ Hayley said. ‘You can tell me.’

  ‘Really? You usually change the subject.’

  That didn’t really surprise Hayley. She often ducked and dived her way out of opening up the Pandora’s Box that contained her feelings. On various occasions Rick had told her gently she needed to let him in more. It was always something she’d found excruciatingly difficult, and she had got better at it, until they’d started fighting so much.