Time After Time

by Hannah McKinnon

  After dinner Hayley took Jake and Jennifer up to her old room, and read The Faraway Tree to them, something she’d been promising Millie and Danny she’d do when she found the time. She decided that from now it wouldn’t be a question of finding time, it would be one of making it instead. As she covered them up with their blankets and kissed them gently she whispered, ‘Goodbye. Goodbye my beautiful children.’ She lingered in the doorway, watching them slowly drift off to sleep before she finally headed back downstairs.

  ‘I love you Dad, it’s been so good seeing you,’ she said, hugging her father.

  Stan squeezed her tight. ‘Don’t forget that we’re here for you, okay? Always.’

  As Hayley walked away from her father, she knew the next time she saw him he’d be back in his wheelchair, unable to communicate coherently. The agony of leaving him behind tore her heart in two and yet, she knew it had to be done. After all, she was only getting what she’d asked for all along. A glimpse.

  CHAPTER 41

  I Want To Go Home

  Sean sat in the living room when she arrived back at the house shortly after half-past nine.

  ‘Are you okay?’ he asked, jumping up and walking towards her. ‘You didn’t answer my calls and I was worried. I just got off the phone with your mum.’

  Hayley walked past him to the living room and sat down on the sofa. When he followed her and remained standing in the doorway averting his eyes, she spoke first. ‘What happened to us, Sean?’

  He ran his fingers through his hair. ‘I … I …’ He took a seat opposite her, elbows on his knees and hands clasped. Hayley thought his face looked full of pain and anxiety, remorse too, perhaps, but she could tell it was also the face of a man who had made up his mind.

  ‘Honestly?’ he said. ‘We hardly talked about everything that happened. You know, about Tony and … and Ellen.’ He sighed. ‘It was a charade – pretending everything was still normal.’ He paused. ‘But it wasn’t. It isn’t. You’ve been so withdrawn, you hate your job and yet you won’t quit that bloody firm Klingel’s, and I’ve been lonely and –’

  ‘Is that why you had the affair?’ Hayley said.

  Sean’s face fell. ‘Oh shite, Hayley, I’m not blaming you. I’m the one that … who … made that decision.’

  Neither of them spoke for a while.

  ‘I don’t know how to describe it,’ Sean finally said and rubbed his eyes. ‘Sometimes I think we don’t really know each other anymore. There’s a part of your heart that’s off limits, you know?’

  Silence descended upon them for a while.

  ‘I never thought you’d have an affair,’ Hayley finally said. ‘Not in a million years.’

  ‘Neither did I,’ Sean said, ‘and I’m sorry, really I am. I should have tried harder. I should have fought for us.’

  ‘I’m sure you tried very hard, Sean,’ Hayley said, ‘I’ve realised I’m very good at keeping people at a distance.’

  ‘Don’t be so hard on yourself.’

  ‘I’m sorry about everything,’ Hayley said. ‘I’m sorry about the way I treated you, the way you found out about me going to Chicago. It wasn’t right.’

  ‘I forgave you for that long ago,’ Sean said, waving his hand. ‘Stop apologising, please.’ He looked away.

  ‘And you love Melanie? You want to be with her?’ Hayley whispered.

  Sean closed his eyes. ‘Don’t do this, Hayley, please.’

  ‘Answer the question.’

  He exhaled softly and opened his eyes. ‘Yes. I want to be with her. I’m sorry. She makes me happy. I … I haven’t been happy for a long time.’ He cleared his throat. ‘If you don’t mind, I’m going to go out for a bit, okay?’ He stood up and walked to the door, stopping to look back at her, his eyes filled with sadness. ‘I’m sorry, Hayley. I’ll sleep on the sofa tonight, okay? We’ll talk tomorrow.’

  As Hayley watched Sean walk out of her life for the second time, she felt the ghost of what could have been finally leave too. All that second guessing and those fantasies about how happy they’d be, happier than she was with Rick. She shuddered. Her and Sean’s inability to talk to each other had delivered the fatal blow to their marriage, and it scared the shit out of her.

  Have I pulled so far away from Rick that I’m about to lose him? Have I already lost him?

  She wanted to talk to him, needed to hear his voice now. Tomorrow seemed so impossibly far away. An idea popped into Hayley’s head. She let out a cry, jumped up and rushed into the office. Within minutes, the computer hummed and Hayley opened up Google.

  She found him instantly. There he was, Rick Cooper, partner of an award-winning web-design company in Chicago. She reached out and gently touched his picture on the screen. Heart thumping and breathless with anticipation, Hayley dialled the number. She didn’t have time to chicken out.

  ‘Rick Cooper.’

  Hayley closed her eyes. Rick.

  ‘Hi,’ she managed to say. ‘It’s Hayley … uh … Adams.’

  ‘Hello Hayley, how can I help?’

  ‘I … I’m calling from a firm in London,’ she said quickly, staring at his photo again, imagining his lips moving as he spoke. ‘We’re looking at … at opening a company in Chicago. We’ll need a local firm to help us with the website.’

  ‘You’ve come to the right place,’ Rick said. ‘And when you say London, I’m guessing London, England, right?’

  ‘Right,’ Hayley said. She wished she could reach through the phone and touch his face, feel his skin, kiss him softly.

  ‘What a coincidence,’ Rick said and laughed quietly. ‘I’m going there in a week.’

  ‘Really?’ Hayley said. ‘For business?’

  ‘No a vacation, actually. I’m recently divorced and …’ he stopped and cleared his throat. ‘I don’t know why I just said that.’ He laughed more audibly this time, the warm sound enveloping Hayley like a fuzzy blanket. ‘Anyway … I’m glad you called. I’m not always at the office on a Saturday. Really. I do have a life. I think.’

  That made Hayley grin. ‘I’m glad I called too,’ she said.

  So very, very glad. I miss you. More than I’ve ever missed you in my entire life.

  ‘Would you like to meet when I’m over?’ Rick said. ‘I always prefer face-to-face instead of phone or e-mail.’

  Hayley beamed. ‘That would be great. And … and perhaps I can show you a few of the sites here? You know, tourist attractions, not websites.’

  An audible smile crept into Rick’s voice too. ‘I’d like that, Hayley. Can I send you my contact details so we can arrange something?’

  Hayley gave him her e-mail address.

  ‘Thanks for calling,’ he said. ‘I’m looking forward to meeting you.’

  ‘Me too,’ Hayley answered and he hung up.

  ‘I’ll see you tomorrow,’ she whispered and stared at Rick’s picture on the screen, her hands cradling the phone.

  After a long time she made her way up to the bedroom and slipped between the sheets, her body exhausted but her thoughts racing, making sleep impossible.

  I’ll see Rick, Millie and Danny tomorrow. Tomorrow! I can’t wait.

  Tossing and turning, she knew they both had to start taking care of their marriage if it was to survive. As she thought about their relationship, she realised it had been a long time since she’d actually felt she wanted to put in the effort.

  I want to put my arms around him, tell him I love him, that I want us to be happy again.

  If she was honest, none of her exes had ever measured up to Rick and she’d known it from the beginning. Over the years, she’d let his normal, human quirks morph into what she perceived as shortcomings and failures, and had let them be overpowered by the absolute perfection of her fantasies. Her father was right. Relationships were like houses. And she was finally ready to strap on her tool belt.

  Please let me go home … and please, please don’t let it be too late.

  She rolled onto her side and closed her eyes tight. Then sh
e clicked her heels together three times.

  Just in case.

  CHAPTER 42

  1998 – 2000

  Kid in America

  Hayley stuck with her decision and didn’t tell Sean about the miscarriage. Days turned into weeks and he didn’t write or call, not that Hayley really expected him to – why would he?

  ‘As far as we know he’s still in London,’ Ellen said during one of their hour-long phone calls that were putting a grizzly bear-sized dent in Hayley’s budget. ‘But he stopped playing squash with Mark and we haven’t seen him at Mulligan’s. It’s like he dropped off the face of the earth.’ She lowered her voice. ‘Mark’s still pissed off with you for what happened, but he’ll get over it. So how are you? And I mean really, no bullshit.’

  ‘I’m okay, Ellen, honest,’ Hayley said, plastering on a smile as fake as a three pound coin, and equally clumsy. ‘I’m fine.’ She didn’t want to talk about the sadness that crept up her spine and lingered whenever she was alone.

  ‘I’m not sure I believe you, hon,’ Ellen said quietly. ‘Physically, maybe, but mentally?’

  Hayley sighed. ‘I miss him. Maybe I … I … should have told him about the baby. We might be together, you know?’

  ‘I know, sweetheart. You still could.’

  ‘No,’ Hayley answered with renewed determination in her voice. ‘He’s been crystal clear about what he wants. It’s time to move on.’

  ‘I get it,’ Ellen said. ‘Okay, so … tell me about your weekend.’

  Hayley smiled as she remembered. ‘Fiona took me to the Chicago Jazz Festival at Grant Park. It was the twentieth one, apparently, and bloody brilliant.’

  ‘Sounds exotic,’ Ellen said. ‘Who did you see?’

  ‘Andy Bey and Geraldine De Haas, and that was only Saturday. On Sunday we saw Lou Donaldson.’

  Ellen laughed. ‘Never heard of ‘em, but it sounds brilliant. I’m so glad Mark put you in touch.’

  ‘Me too.’ Hayley sank back into her pillow and cradled the phone with her shoulder. ‘She wants to show me Navy Pier and more of the lakefront tomorrow. Friday I’m going to The Red Lion with some of my colleagues. It’s an English pub. Hurrah!’

  ‘Well done, old bean,’ said Ellen with a laugh. ‘I’m glad you’re going out again. Listen, I’d better go, it’s almost midnight.’

  ‘Yeah, this six-hour time difference is rubbish.’ Hayley looked around her unfamiliar flat, wishing she was back in her little, comfortable Hammersmith nest. ‘I miss you.’

  ‘I miss you too.’

  *

  As the months passed, Hayley discovered that she loved living in Chicago. The city, smaller and more manageable than London, seemed easy to explore. The lack of old stuff surprised her the most – anything over a century was considered ancient. Even Givins’ Irish Castle, Chicago’s only castle, was tiny but at least it was over a hundred years old.

  She lived in a small flat in Wicker Park, close to the subway and a twenty-five minute commute to the office. Her apartment only had a bedroom and a den, but she didn’t need much space. It came fully furnished, so Hayley had added a couple of photographs of her parents, Jackie, Ray and the kids, and Ellen and Mark. It seemed futile to buy stuff she wouldn’t take back home to England.

  On her way to the office one morning she stopped at the local Dunkin’ Donuts which, much to her waistline’s chagrin, had the most awesome treats. Her favourite was the Double Chocolate Cake donut (why have single when you can have twice the chocolatey goodness?) and she bought some for the office along with a medium coffee. She’d come to learn that size mattered in America, and Hayley was still getting used to cups and helpings fit for giants.

  ‘Hi, Philip,’ she waved to her boss as she pushed open the heavy glass office doors. ‘Fancy a donut?’

  He touched his stomach and wagged his finger. ‘No Ma’am, not if I’m doing Iron Man next month.’

  Hayley grinned. He reminded her of Matthew; fit and sporty. Not bad looking either.

  Down, girl!

  ‘Did you look through the contracts last night?’ she asked. ‘I left them on your desk like you said.’

  ‘They were perfect, thanks. Although we need to look at a couple of points in more detail. Over coffee? Well, green tea for me, anyway.’ He hesitated. ‘Or dinner?’

  ‘Coffee,’ Hayley said and grinned again. ‘Coffee’s fine.’

  ‘Ah, can’t blame a man for trying,’ Philip said. ‘I’ll catch you later.’

  Hayley went to her desk and rang Fiona.

  ‘Paintballing Saturday, you’re coming, yeah?’ Fiona shouted into the phone. ‘Sorry, we’re doing a sound-check before we all sod off to our day jobs and … hang on … Shut the fuck up you noisy fucking lot,’ she shouted, ‘I’m on the fucking phone.’

  ‘Definitely,’ Hayley said, thinking that Fiona wasn’t the lead singer of Brazen Maiden by accident. ‘Can’t wait. I’ll see you then.’

  ‘You can help me shoot this fucking useless lot,’ Fiona said, then she laughed and hung up.

  *

  Hayley made the trip back to London for the holidays, grateful she didn’t have to spend her first Christmas away from her family. She couldn’t stay at her flat because she’d sublet it, so she camped out in her old bedroom at her parents’ house instead.

  ‘Tell me about Chicago,’ Stan said as they settled down with cups of tea on her first night back. ‘I hope we can come next summer. I’m really looking forward to seeing it. What’s it like?’

  ‘It’s fun,’ Hayley said. ‘I went to the planetarium last month. Brilliant.’

  ‘It wasn’t in that seedy place you told us about?’ Karen said, looking up from the table where she sat writing her latest set of dirty birthday cards. Hayley still couldn’t believe how filthy her mother’s sense of humour could be. ‘What did you say it was called, the blip, bloop?’

  ‘Loop.’ Hayley laughed. ‘Nu-uh. Don’t worry. I’ve got that bit figured out, I know my way around now. Good job too, you don’t want to get lost outside in the winter, that’s for sure.’

  ‘Is it really that cold, love?’ Stan said.

  ‘Pah! I tell you what,’ Hayley said, ‘I reckon they’re all half bear. It was freezing at the Christmas tree lighting a few weeks ago but some of them were in bloody T-shirts.’

  ‘Language, young lady,’ Karen said.

  Hayley snorted. ‘Really, Mum?’ She walked over and looked down at the card in front of her mother. ‘You’re writing the caption for a saggy pair of boobs stuck in a birthday cake.’

  The next day Hayley stayed with Ellen and Mark. They got a Chinese takeaway and sat on the sofas, stuffing their faces with dim sum and chow mein.

  ‘God it’s good to see you,’ Ellen said, and squeezed Hayley so hard, she almost cut off her air supply. ‘I’ve missed you so much. I wish I could come and stay, but, well …’

  ‘Don’t worry about it,’ Hayley said. ‘I know the IVF is expensive.’

  ‘We may not have to pay for it,’ Ellen said. ‘Our next NHS round starts in a few months.’ She tousled Mark’s hair. ‘Right, babe?’

  ‘Can’t wait,’ Mark said and rolled his eyes. ‘I’ll be living with Doctor Jekyll and Mrs. Hyde again.’

  Ellen slapped him on the shoulder.

  ‘Is it really that bad?’ Hayley asked as she rumpled her nose. She’d heard the mood swing stories but wasn’t sure whether to believe them.

  ‘Worse,’ Ellen said. ‘One minute I’m biting his head off, the next I want to kiss his feet. But it’ll be worth it. We’ll get there in the end, I know we will.’ She put her arms around Mark and he kissed the top of her head.

  ‘So what about that guy you met when you went paintballing with Fiona? What was his name again? Bonnie …’ Ellen snapped her fingers.

  ‘Tyler.’ Hayley laughed. ‘His name was Tyler.’

  ‘That’s it,’ Ellen said.

  ‘A very enjoyable one night stand.’ Hayley waved a hand. ‘Not worth talking about.�
��

  ‘Didn’t you want to see him again?’ Ellen said, apparently unable to let it go.

  Hayley shook her head. ‘Nah. He phoned a few times but I put him off.’

  Mark grinned. ‘You ended up on his too complicated to bother with list.’

  ‘Complicated?’ Hayley asked. ‘Who, me?’ Ellen stifled a laugh.

  Later in the evening, when Hayley and Ellen were cleaning up in the kitchen, Hayley heard Mark playing his guitar.

  Ellen looked at her. ‘He keeps saying it’s fine if we can’t have kids, but he’s lying.’

  ‘You don’t know that,’ Hayley said as she dried a plate.

  ‘Listen to what he’s singing.’

  It took Hayley a second to realise he was humming ‘Twinkle Twinkle Little Star’ so softly, it made her heart ache too.

  *

  Before Hayley knew it, another year had passed and she’d returned to London for the holidays, this time for the millennium celebrations.

  ‘Shit, I’m homesick,’ she said to Ellen as they stood by the Thames and watched the fireworks light up the sky. After eighteen months in Chicago, she’d had enough of baseball and donuts. Well, maybe not the double chocolate ones.

  ‘Do you think you’ll be coming back soon?’

  ‘I hope so. The team is up and running. Ronald’s coming over in February. He said he wants to talk about things.’

  Ellen hugged her. ‘Oh, that sounds promising. I can’t wait for you to come home.’

  ‘Me neither.’

  Another batch of fireworks went off with a bang, the smell of sulphur filling the air and mixing with the hopes and dreams a new millennium promised.

  On the flight back to Chicago she decided she’d better get out and do all the touristy stuff she hadn’t had the time for, and asked Fiona for help. A week later they made a list while scoffing a plate of bangers and mash at The Red Lion.

  ‘Museums?’ Fiona said before wiping her chin with a napkin. ‘Fancy any of those?’