Yours for Eternity: A Love Story on Death Row

by Damien Echols

  *

  You thought life with me was going to be easy. Well. It’s not. But I promise it will be sublime.

  *

  Friday night. I was so sick today. My sweet, I will never, ever ever call you a baby again. I had forgotten how bad it feels to throw up, not be able to eat or drink anything. It was food poisoning. That has never happened to me before. I was able to get up later in the day; I wanted to see the temple at Luxor and the Karnak temple because they were so huge. I love looking at things that are that huge. Now I am so tired.

  *

  Do you realize next week is 2 years since I found you? My beloved, my life, my heart, my soul.

  *

  Tomorrow I go back to Cairo at 6:00 in the morning—even if I wasn’t so in love with you, I would be hard-pressed to ever travel with Stuart again. I am completely exhausted. But my love for you is strong and that alone will get me through.

  *

  It’s Sunday night. I saw a beautiful church today that made me feel so close to you. All day today I was puzzled by you and what you are. This land does that to me—I am confused. With your Seth and your magick and your gods and your beliefs. I feel you in all of these things. And I am confused today about what your love for me is . . . how it manifests itself in so many ways it seems. I would go through so many feelings today. I have had a day of mosques and churches and bazaars and falafel for dinner—nothing, nothing of me. That will happen tomorrow in England. That is a place I want to be with you. Damien, I am and will continue to be vexed by you. I will spend my life figuring it out. At this moment, I have so many questions for you . . . I want to understand so much, I want you to tell me your thoughts—I want to know what you want.

  *

  Damien . . . it’s Monday morning finally and I am on a plane from Cairo to London. All of the wishing in the world will not make this plane go any faster, nor will it make it fly straight to the United States.

  I keep thinking of lovers who have been separated for years without a look, without a word—and right now I feel so fortunate in that in a few hours I will hear you again. All I want to do is talk to you about pure silliness. Anything that you’ve done this week. Anyone that you have seen or talked to, what you watched, any movies. I suppose this little booklet will tell you what I have been doing.

  *

  I can hardly believe it . . . I am on a plane bound for the United States. I’m not quite there yet, but still, just sitting here, I feel better.

  *

  My love: I will finish this little book of words and nonsense and—I don’t even know what else. I love you more than you know, Damien. And I am anticipating hearing your voice.

  Forever yours,

  Lorri

  February 1998

  My dearest beloved,

  Every time you come back, I always forget how it is when you are gone, like a woman who can no longer remember the pain of giving birth. When you are away, it always seems as though you never really even existed, like a sliver of my childhood wishes that fade away once I awaken. It’s like trying to hold on to a handful of smoke. You paw the air frantically, but it still dissolves right in front of you. And you spend your every waking moment trying to recapture what you had for a second, and no one else can even stand to be around you, because your obsession would drive them as mad as it’s already driven you.

  *

  I keep looking at this picture of you in your blue sweatshirt, and it makes my heart hurt almost beyond endurance. Lorri, I love you so much that it’s killing me. It hurts. I just love you, and I know that other people love you, and I hate them for it. I despise them for it. I love you, Lorri, and it’s a fire in me. I need you inside me.

  *

  I’ve made progress even now. When you return, I will be better for you. I love you, Lorri. Please feel it. I love you so much.

  *

  I love you, Lorri. Please hurry back. I cannot live without you. I love you so much.

  I am yours for eternity,

  D.

  March 9, 1998

  My beautiful Damien,

  Mara just called to tell me she got an email from Grove Pashley that [WM3.org] are running a full-page ad in the Arkansas Times of you in the April 24th issue and they are trying to get as many people as possible to go to your hearing. This is going to be all of that stuff, isn’t it? The press, a lot of people. It doesn’t even bother me—I will just sit off by myself and no one will even know I’m there but you. Do you think there is any way Ron can get them to let you be with me? Even to touch you for a moment? Will you be able to wear street clothes?

  I just started thinking about all of that. It doesn’t even make me feel strange, just like I am your wife and we’ll do what has to be done. My presence there will calm you. All you will have to do is look at me and you will be fine, because you looking at me will do that to me. We will be the only ones in the room, so I’m OK. I know we will be able to do this and it will be just fine. There is no reason for you to ever worry about me. For this is what I am here for, my love, to be with you—no matter how crazy or insane it gets.

  That’s how it is supposed to be, that is why we are the way we are together—to get through this stuff—well, I should say that’s about 1 in a trillion reasons why.

  Your love,

  Lorri

  March 11, 1998

  Beautiful one,

  My love, we cannot be upset about the court thing. It will be over before you know it. It doesn’t even matter. Lorri, you have to be strong for me. This is going to be hard enough for me as it is; I could not even begin to deal with it if you start that business again. I swear that I won’t even try. They will have to feed me, put my clothes on for me, carry me into the courtroom, and sit me in the chair, because I will refuse to do anything myself. I will just sit there and stare into space. But if you hold up, then we will walk through it without even thinking of it, without even paying attention to it. Maybe we’ll even have a little fun. And I must say that it is going to be fun to wear something that you pick out. You probably shouldn’t get a tie though, I probably couldn’t have it. They’re paranoid. And yes, I will try again to get to touch you. I will try my damndest.

  I feel so naked without my hair. Like a turtle that has been stripped of its shell. It feels awful. When we are together, there will never be another haircut. I must admit that there are certain advantages though. I don’t have to brush it. It only takes a minute to wash it, and it doesn’t get in the way while exercising. Still, I would never do it by choice.

  There’s a ghost in my head tonight, love. I’m just glad it’s not in my heart.

  There’s a song about you by a man named Al Stewart. It’s called “Year of the Cat.” Never has another song been so much about you.

  Now the ghost is in my heart.

  I am yours for eternity,

  D.

  April 11, 1998

  My beautiful Damien,

  I forgot to tell you, when I came to see you on Thursday, one of the guys working out front said, “Mz. Echols, right?”

  I love that.

  And I love you.

  And I will forever.

  Lorri

  April 17, 1998

  My love,

  This week was horrible—but I did learn something . . . or I realized something. If we are unhappy or arguing about something . . . we will not ever go to bed without making it all right, without bringing each other back to our place. The only safe place that exists. The only place I want to exist.

  So I will never, ever be sad that you haven’t called. I’ll just know you can’t.

  And yes, I grind my own coffee and you’ve been listening to too many country songs—Damien, it’s the only kind of coffee to drink!

  I love you, my dear, forever,

  L.

  April 29, 1998

  My Beautifu
l Love,

  The anticipation of this court hearing is wearing down my nerves. I don’t want to do this. Last time it was horrible, but this time will be even worse. And they say it lasts all day long. That is better than I had first expected, because I thought it would last two or three days. At least it will not be so long. But that does not make me look forward to it any more. And I do know that everything is going to be just fine, so don’t you start up with your business. I know it will all be fine, and all I have to do is look at you, but that does not make me like it any better. Everything is as it’s meant to be. Ka.

  I feel so much different this night than I did last night. It is amazing, these extremes that you take me to, you magickal creature. I feel very happy and close to you now. Earlier, before we talked, I felt so irritated, but once you made me start to giggle, I found even my own irritation to be humorous. I love you so much. You are pure magick, like a beautiful little unicorn.

  Love, this hair business is driving me insane. It’s almost to the point of wanting to claw it off. It will be a huge relief to just get rid of it all and start over. And then it will grow back even thicker, darker, and more beautiful than even before. It will just take a few months, but you will be pleased with the end result. I would like to get it done before that photographer gets here, because I want to get copies of the pictures for you, and I would like you to have pictures of the two extremes—long hair and no hair.

  I am yours for eternity, beautiful one,

  D.

  May 6, 1998

  My Beautiful One:

  Damien . . . everything about the last two days—I feel I have either learned so much, or it has just been confirmed in me—things I have always known. I am so in love with you and before I can write anything else . . . I am completely intoxicated by your smell—I waited an hour for those clothes—but I would’ve waited forever—they smell like you and it’s the smell I know so well now—it makes me crazy—it makes me want you so badly. Even when I’m sitting in that stupid courtroom . . . I look at you and feel everything fall out of me and I feel that oh-so-familiar feeling that only you can make happen. But when you stood up—near the end and I was looking at you—when you first stood up I felt I was going to faint—I have never seen you like that—in those kinds of clothes, with a belt (!), but just seeing you standing there, looking at me—every time I think of it I can’t breathe. You are so incredible, Damien, you are so beautiful and you are so poised and graceful and dignified—even around all of those idiots and it is so apparent. I look at you and I feel so proud and I feel that I want to hold you so close. Being in that room with all of those people, I still felt it was just us. There is no one else. I feel it so much right now. I can’t even begin to tell you and I am exhausted—

  But I want to tell you so much more. Tomorrow. And I am going crazy to talk to you.

  I’m going to sleep, my love.

  Your mom hugged me. And I want to tell you things Ron said. Sweet.

  Damien, I am at work, now, and I am almost ready to die, it feels—but it’s wonderful. I love you so much and I miss you so much. I didn’t realize what the repercussions would be from spending a whole day in the same room with you, looking at you—I only know that my whole body hurts with wanting you.

  I saved your letters to read this morning—and I sat here crying when I read the letter you wrote on Sunday—I have so much to say about it, Damien, I will bring the two parts of you together—and you aren’t becoming like me—we are becoming one thing. We have always been heading towards that. Yesterday, when I was looking at you—I would at times be so overcome with what you are to me. I am looking at my entire life—right there before me is everything. And no one even knows how much is between you and me and I am so happy for that—and you made me so proud and you made me so strong.

  What I was going to tell you about Ron—when he first got there, I think he felt strange and I was sitting by myself (as I wanted) and then Ron asked if he could sit by me—which seemed somehow right. Later on he said the reporters asked him who I was . . . was I “Damien’s girlfriend” and Ron said “no”—then he came over to me and said, “Lorri, they’re asking about you—you shouldn’t get messed up in them. I don’t want them to touch you—so be careful—if anyone asks, you work for me.”

  So I just stayed in the courtroom the whole time . . . Damien, I got there at 7:30!! And I stayed through lunch except to make a call to Susan and except for that one recess when I went to get an apple because I hadn’t eaten since noon on Monday. At that point Ron stopped me outside. I thanked him for being so kind to me and he said, “Lorri, I just want to thank you for what you’ve become to Damien, living the way you two do, your life together, it has to be very strong, very special—if you ever need anything you call me because I love Damien to death”—I couldn’t take it anymore and then I had to go to the bathroom and sob. But it wasn’t sad. It was a relief. Then I came back upstairs and it seemed I had been gone for hours. I cannot stop thinking of how beautiful you were standing there—you had to roll up the pants?! Those little legs of yours. Maybe I should get more pants for the next time. In another shade of gray perhaps? (Not that I have a whole lot to work with!)

  Something changed in me yesterday. Something very, very deep and important. The only thing that matters is you. And getting you with me. And I know it’s going to happen. But it’s a feeling of strength. And fearlessness and even a place that no one can touch. We are above it all, yet we are right there in it . . . and I can do anything. I know I can—with you. We both can, and we will. Damien, I didn’t even mind any of it, it just felt like another place with you, and everything swirls around us. I love you so much—and yes—everything would be better if we were together, but the thing is—even though we’re not yet—look at what we’ve done.

  You have a sweetness in you that I cannot begin to explain—but it is so pure and I can see it and I feel it. It is the color of honey and when light touches it, it is gold and dazzling—but when it is in the shadow you cannot even see the depth of it. This is what I feel. Damien, I exist only to love you. And I know I will be here for a long, long time because of you.

  Damien, I love you more than I could ever say and I feel more a part of you than I ever have.

  Soon, I will have you, I can feel it.

  I am so in love with you.

  Lorri

  May 9, 1998

  My Damien,

  Congratulations! Our phone bill was only $500! It’s an improvement! And that included other calls, $90. So ours was $410!! Oh, I hope that other number works! We will soon know.*

  Your beloved,

  Lorri

  June 2, 1998

  My love,

  They will probably be here to pick me up for court one week from today. I’m not even “fretting” over it anymore. It will be nothing. Except I get to see you for two days!!

  *

  Love, this part of Arkansas is nothing like West Memphis. Everything is different. They don’t even have winter here. If you remember, last year they had 3 feet of snow in Memphis and W. Memphis, yet there was not even so much as a single flake here. The entire feel is different. Everything here is base, disgusting, pathetic. Nothing of me.

  I belong to you,

  D.

  August 3, 1998

  My Damien:

  Today was sublime. The last two messages you left for me—how painful it was not to answer the call—both times it hurt so badly, for all I want is you. When you said, “This is the last message, love,” I felt my knees go weak. You are so, so romantic and you make me so happy—I want so much to be with you, to touch you, to make love with you. I want so much to have your child, to wake up with you every morning or every night. You fill my thoughts constantly. You are my everything and yes, my love, this weekend was wonderful with you.

  *

  Maybe with the letter thing, occasionally you send me one or
some. You don’t have to send me all of them, or read all of them, just some of them. So at least I will know what is coming in the mail from you. I do want to know these things, Damien, and I’ll behave myself. What is her name again, the one who lives in Michigan? Do you write back to her most of the time? Does the other one write?

  It was nice of her to offer those books to you. You seem to like the books they send you, you’ve read a lot of them.

  I should leave you alone about them, because it seems they really do care for you and are devoted in some way and you have built a relationship with them and I should be supportive of it. So I will. One of their names is Helen, right? It seems they had kind of old-fashioned names.

  I really am trying, my love. I don’t want to cause you any distress (unnecessary distress).

  *

  I ordered Lolita for you from the bookstore and I asked the woman who took my order if she needed me to spell your name and she said, “No, I know how to spell his name.” I almost hung up on her. The fact that she even said “his name” was enough to send me over the edge. And I hate to admit this, my lover, but it makes me jealous that you are going to read that book. Even though I read it, still, it’s going to make me jealous.

  *

  I am having one of those times when I can feel you so close and I know I will have you with me. Damien—you will be with me. All we have to do is be patient. But on a day like today, it’s the hardest thing in the world to ask of me, because I need you so badly. I need your body and your breath and your touch, I need to feel you take me completely—just hold me, make love to me until I have not an ounce of energy left and then don’t even stop. Crumble me up in a small round thing and hold me until I can’t breathe. Pull my hair and hold my hands and put yourself into every part of me so you mark me as yours.