Life in Death

by M. Ullrich

  It didn’t take long for Marty to follow. Suzanne sat on the steps of their large deck, her legs spread slightly to make room for her growing belly. She wiped roughly at her tears as Marty approached. She grew rigid when she felt her settle next to her. As much as Suzanne wanted to, she would not look at Marty. Her eyes remained on the full moon above their yard.

  “I know you prefer to deal with some things on your own,” Marty said quietly with an even, gentle tone. “And you know that I don’t handle fear very well.” She took Suzanne’s hand, and Suzanne gripped back tightly. “We both need to work on that.” She stroked her thumb across Suzanne’s knuckles. “When something worries you, tell me. And when that worry scares the shit out of me, I won’t fly off the handle.” Suzanne chuckled lightly. “I’m sorry for yelling at you.” Marty turned toward Suzanne and rubbed circles over her back, taking extra care of the sore lower half. Suzanne could feel the tense muscles there relax beneath the touch.

  “I’m sorry I didn’t call you.” Suzanne tucked her head into Marty’s neck and continued to cry. Her hormones prevented her from stopping the tears as they fell.

  “Just promise me you’ll call any and every time something bothers you, no matter how insignificant. I want to know about it.” Suzanne nodded and felt herself being pulled into a tighter embrace. Marty kissed the top of her head. “Come on, I’m going to start dinner.”

  Suzanne gripped her forearm. “Wait.” She swallowed thickly against her tears. “There’s something else I need to tell you.” Marty blanched and fell back onto the step. Suzanne felt instantly guilty and gripped her wife’s hands before looking into her worried eyes. “I’m quitting school.”

  Marty sighed and laughed with relief. “Oh thank God!” She hugged Suzanne tightly and kissed her. When she finally pulled back, Suzanne stared at her with confusion.

  “You’re not mad?”

  “Mad? No.” Marty smirked. “Curious? Yes.”

  “I just want to focus on the baby and our family. I have my associate’s, so I could still get a decent-paying job—”

  “If you want to stay home with the baby, I won’t stop you.” Marty interrupted.

  “You won’t?” Suzanne stared up at Marty dreamily.

  “No, I won’t. I’d love nothing more than for one of us to be home with this little munchkin every day.” Marty splayed her hand across Suzanne’s pregnant stomach. Suzanne felt warmth and love in the touch. “I’ll be home as much as possible, of course, and when you need time to yourself we’ll make it happen.”

  “Are you sure?” Suzanne cupped Marty’s cheek. She ran the pad of her thumb along her high cheekbone and then down to her full bottom lip.

  “I’m positive. This will be good for our family.”

  “I love you.”

  “I love you too.” Marty kissed Suzanne’s thumb before standing once more. “Is it okay to start dinner now, or do you have any more bombshells?” Marty already started toward the house.

  “I know the sex of the baby.”

  “You what?”

  “Just kidding.” The blonde bit her lip and kicked at the wooden planks of the deck.

  “You’re not funny,” Marty said while shaking her head. Suzanne knew her scowl was fake.

  Suzanne sauntered forward, wrapped her arms around her wife’s waist, and leaned in to whisper in her ear. “I’m hilarious, and you know it.”

  Marty spent the rest of the evening trying to pay Suzanne back for her little trick, but she never succeeded.

  Chapter Seven

  Marty sat awkwardly at the small table and pulled at a loose string on her cloth napkin. With all her might, she tried not to focus on the tardy blonde. Instead, she forced her mind to stray to wonders of the food industry. How many napkins they had, how many they went through on a daily basis, and how many they knew to order in the first place. It couldn’t be an exact science.

  “I am starving!” An overstuffed messenger bag hit the aged wood floor with a thud that startled Marty.

  “Hey!” Marty sat up straight and welcomed a frazzled Suzanne.

  “I haven’t been here in forever. Do they still have huge salads?” Suzanne asked with a casual ease about her.

  “They may have gotten bigger over the past year.” Marty joked, feeling somewhat giddy at the thought of Suzanne never sharing their spot with anyone else. “The Cobb salad is still ridiculously large. It may even come with a whole dozen hard-boiled eggs on top now.”

  “Sold.” Suzanne closed her menu and pointed to the iced tea on the table in front of her. “Is this?”

  “Unsweetened raspberry. Still a favorite?”

  “Of course.” Suzanne took a sip and closed her eyes. “It’s surprisingly hard to find. Everyone wants to sweeten it, which is completely unnecessary.” Marty watched as Suzanne savored the beverage with her eyes closed. When Suzanne reopened her eyes, Marty was smiling. “What?”

  “You gave me the same speech on our first date.”

  “I drank wine on our first date.”

  “That wasn’t a date. That was simply a drink between new acquaintances.” Marty’s cocky smirk brought out her dimple.

  “Uh.” Suzanne cleared her throat. “How’s work going?”

  “Same as always, I guess.” Marty shrugged, slightly deflated by Suzanne’s quick exit of the personal conversation. She reminded herself she couldn’t expect an immediate fix. “I’m thinking about going for my broker’s license soon, maybe opening up my own office.”

  A waiter approached and asked for their orders. Marty ordered for both herself and Suzanne, giving the young man a polite smile as he left them alone once again.

  “That’s good. It’s something you’ve always wanted.” Suzanne took another sip of her tea and folded her hands atop the linen tablecloth.

  “It’s a lot of work. I know it’ll take time, but I figure I’ve got plenty of that now…” She let her words trail off, not needing to elaborate. Marty decided to turn the questioning on Suzanne. “What about you? Tell me about the library.” Marty sat back.

  “Honestly, there’s not much to tell. I needed to get out and do something, and the library was one of the first job listings that popped up when I searched. I went there in person to drop off my resume, and I started the next day.”

  “You seem to really like it.” Marty tilted her head and watched as a small smile lit up her ex-wife’s face.

  “I do.” Suzanne stared at her hands as she spoke. “I didn’t think I would at first. It’s so quiet, you know? All that quiet can make a person go crazy.” She laughed lightly. “But it turned out this particular type of quiet is good for me. I can work and think at the same time, which has helped me remain sane over the past few months. I can’t get lost in myself.” Her voice grew quiet as she finished. Marty wondered about all the implications of that short sentence.

  A silence fell over the table, and Marty shifted uncomfortably. She was overwhelmed with the urge to apologize, explain, beg, and grovel, but one look at Suzanne told her that was the wrong approach. She knew if she opened her mouth and anything more than casual small talk and pleasantries came out, she’d risk losing Suzanne forever.

  “Five years ago, you would have said you wouldn’t be caught dead working in a library. It’s funny how life takes us places we never expect to go.”

  “You’re talking about Blake, aren’t you?” Suzanne crossed her arms over her chest defensively and sat up straighter.

  “No.” Marty mirrored the other woman’s position. “I’m referring to your hatred for books and talking quietly.” That earned a hearty, genuine laugh from Suzanne, the first Marty had heard in over a year. If she could go back in time, she’d be happy just to relive that sound over and over again.

  “I don’t hate books,” Suzanne replied once she recovered from the fit of laughter. “I hate reading. There’s a difference.”

  “I’m so sorry.” Marty bowed her head.

  “You should be.”

  The waiter b
rought two large plates for Suzanne and Marty. One salad overflowed with every accompaniment one could desire, and the other plate was barely visible beneath a large, juicy burger and several handfuls of fries.

  “You always have to order something unhealthy,” Suzanne said as she mixed the creamy dressing into her leafy greens.

  “Oh please, like you’re not going to eat some of these fries.”

  Silence fell once again, this time comfortably, as Marty and Suzanne busied themselves with eating. Every so often, one of them would make a noise as she enjoyed a particular bite. More than once Suzanne reached across the conveniently small table for a fry without as much as a glance at Marty for permission. As the generous amounts of food dwindled to a little more than a few bites remaining, Marty started the conversation up again.

  “Since you brought him up, tell me about Blake.” She felt an imaginary pain in her chest at the mention of the man who managed to mend the woman she had broken. Suzanne’s fork stilled.

  “I did not bring him up.” She pointed the utensil at Marty.

  “Yes, you did. Now tell me about him.”

  “I don’t think that’s a good idea.” Suzanne put down her fork gently and wiped at her mouth with her napkin.

  “Listen, Suzie, after today I’d like to work on having a friendship with you, and in order for that to happen, I need to be comfortable talking about the guy who’s going to be your husband someday.” That wasn’t a complete lie. Marty did hope for friendship at the very least, but ideally they’d end up as much more.

  Marty waited nervously as Suzanne sat and looked at her. She’d put her intentions out there, and now Suzanne would decide whether they were to proceed or not. Suzanne fixed the collar of her polo and took a sip of her near-empty iced tea before finally responding.

  “We dated in high school,” Suzanne started but abruptly stopped as Marty choked on her water and droplets sprayed onto the table. “Are you okay?”

  “I’m fine,” Marty croaked out and patted her chest. She had heard they had a past, but she had no idea he was a high school sweetheart returning to sweep Suzanne off her feet. “Please continue.” She waved her hand in what looked like encouragement.

  “We dated in high school and even managed to keep in touch through college, but after graduation, life got too crazy between nursing school for him and my less-than-innocent social life.” Suzanne looked down in embarrassment. Marty knew all about that time in her life. No specifics were needed.

  “And you got back in touch recently?”

  “We ran into each other at the hospital one day. I was going to introduce you but…”

  “I know.” Marty didn’t need to hear it. She wasn’t there.

  “We talked a lot when there wasn’t much else to do but talk. He became my cafeteria buddy and the person who’d help me understand what the doctors were talking about.”

  “That’s, um,” Marty cleared her throat, “that’s good.” She was absent so damn much during Abigail’s earlier treatments and then again during the second round that she’d been oblivious to her wife reconnecting with someone who’d pick her up from the wreckage of their marriage. “Is he good to you?”

  “Very.” Suzanne smiled but it never reached her eyes. “It’s very simple.”

  “Simple can be good, I guess.” Simple is boring, Marty thought.

  “After the past year, simple is exactly what I need. He’s a good man, and he was very good with Abigail. So when he proposed, I made the right choice.” Suzanne paused and nodded to the waiter as he cleared their dishes.

  “Any dessert?” The young man reappeared stealthily.

  “No, thank you.” Suzanne directed her response to the waiter and then an explanation to Marty. “I have to get back to work.” The check was placed between them. Suzanne sighed heavily when Marty grabbed the check. “You don’t have to—”

  “I know, but you didn’t have to come to lunch with me and you did. It means more to me than you’ll ever know.” Marty turned sheepish as she stood and prepared herself for the inevitable good-bye.

  “I actually enjoyed myself.” Suzanne retrieved her bag and got up.

  “Don’t sound so surprised.” Marty laughed awkwardly and scratched at the back of her neck. Suzanne just gave her a sideways smile. When neither woman made a move to leave, Marty decided to press her luck. “Can I hug you?” She grimaced at how stupid the request sounded. “I’m sorry.”

  Suzanne stopped Marty’s attempt at an apology by doing just that.

  Marty was quick to return the embrace, but she was also quick to turn her head and bury her face in fragrant hair. That feeling was the closest to comfort Marty had felt in too long. But Suzanne didn’t relinquish her hold quickly. In fact, she stepped closer when Marty tightened her grip. Suzanne’s phone rang. She looked apologetically at Marty and swiped across the screen to answer.

  “Hey.” Suzanne spoke quietly into the phone. “I’m just finishing up lunch now.” Silence fell again as she looked at Marty and turned away slightly. “Just a salad with a friend from work.” Marty cocked her head and wondered if she should leave now or wait. Whoever Suzanne was talking to was not allowed to know she was with Marty. “I’ll see you later. Oh, and Blake?” Marty perked up. “Give me a call when you’re done with your shift, I’ll start dinner. You too.” Once Suzanne ended the call, she turned back to face Marty fully. “Thank you for lunch.”

  “Thank you for the company.” Marty felt the warm smile spreading millimeter by millimeter across her face, the smile that only the woman she loved could put there. “If you’re available, I’d like to go through some of Abigail’s things soon. I wouldn’t feel right going through all of our family’s stuff without you.”

  Their family.

  Suzanne froze with an indescribable look on her face, and then she all but ran out the front door. As much as Marty wanted to go after her, she knew it’d be more like chasing. Something told her to stay where she was and give Suzanne her space. What gnawed at her mind was not knowing what giving Suzanne space meant for the progress they had made.

  They Had a Beautiful Baby Girl

  Did you give her anything for the pain?” Marty looked at the fresh-faced nurse entering the delivery room with panicked eyes. “We’re not planning a natural birth!”

  “Marty—” Suzanne started to chastise her frantic wife, but she clenched her jaw in pain. She growled and reached for Marty’s hand.

  “Ah!” Marty’s mouth was wide open in a silent scream when Suzanne bore down on it. Every knuckle and joint cracked in unison. No better place than a hospital to break some bones, she mused. “Seriously, where are the pain meds?”

  “Sweetheart, I’m fine.” Suzanne fell back against her pillow as the contraction subsided.

  I wasn’t asking for you. Marty kept the thought to herself and wiped the sweat off her wife’s forehead instead of arguing. “You’re sweating like a beast.”

  “How sweet of you to notice.” Suzanne chuckled and shifted in the hospital bed even though she’d exhausted all the comfortable position options. In fact, any and all comfort had been gone from the beginning of the seventh month.

  Marty, for her part, was as supportive as a spouse could be. She’d delivered anything and everything Suzanne needed since day one of her pregnancy, becoming even more attentive as the months continued. She did all of her work from home once the doctor showed concern about Suzanne’s swelling. She shopped, prepared meals, and massaged Suzanne’s plump feet every night. Suzanne wasn’t ashamed to admit she was going to miss the pampering.

  She reached out, and grabbed the collar of Marty’s pale blue blouse, and pulled her close. “Promise me one thing after all of this is over with.”

  “Anything, always.” Marty’s green eyes softened with honesty.

  “If I ask for one…” Suzanne clamped her eyes shut and brought her free hand to her large belly. She panted as she tried to control her reaction to the pain. “The foot rubs,” she said between cl
enched teeth. “Promise they won’t stop.”

  “I promise I will rub your feet every time you ask me to.”

  “And surprise me even when I don’t ask?” Suzanne looked hopeful as she released Marty’s shirt.

  “And surprise you even when you don’t ask.” Marty leaned forward and kissed her damp forehead. “Any other requests while I’m at my most vulnerable?”

  A young male nurse laughed as he overheard the conversation.

  “No.” She took a deep breath. “But you should probably stay away from grocery shopping in the future.”

  “Gladly,” Marty agreed, smiling down at Suzanne, whose cheeks were rosy, her eyes clear and bright. “You look gorgeous.”

  “Save the compliments for a few weeks from now when I hate my body. I’ll need them then.”

  “I’ll tell you every day.” Marty moved in to kiss Suzanne’s parted, dry lips but was interrupted by the doctor entering the room.

  “How are we doing in here?” The question seemed to aggravate the unborn infant, and Suzanne screamed out during the most painful contraction yet. “Before you answer, let’s get her something for the pain.” Dr. Reynolds spoke directly to Marty.

  “Thank you!” Marty sighed in relief, looking forward to having her forearm back.

  “You’re about six centimeters dilated, and your contractions are more frequent.”

  “And real fucking painful!” Suzanne added colorfully.

  “That too.” The doctor, a gentleman in his mid-fifties with a rounded belly and gray beard, nodded at a nurse. He was giving her the go-ahead to position Suzanne for an epidural. The nurse busied herself with syringes and preparing a catheter for the patient. “We’re going to give you an epidural, but first we need to insert a catheter.”

  Marty blanched at the word. She was normally so sure-footed and confident even in unexpected situations, but now she looked like she was about to pass out.

  “I’ll be fine, and in no time we’ll be a family.” Despite the shaky tone of Suzanne’s voice, confidence shone within the words, which helped clear the clouds from Marty’s eyes. “Okay?”