With one last plea, Carter whispered, “You can’t give in…or give up.”
Declan’s nurse came in to check his wounds, followed by his physician, Dr. Dulaney.
“I’m Carter Sinclair, Declan’s brother,” he said as he shook the doctor’s hand.
“I’m Dr. Dulaney. Your brother is very lucky. His injuries are extensive, but most will heal with time.”
“Most? What are we talking about that might not heal with time?”
Dr. Dulaney motioned for Carter to sit so that they could talk. As Carter eased himself into the chair, an ominous feeling came over him.
“I’m not going to raise false hope for you, Mr. Sinclair. Your brother was hit, head on, by a moving vehicle at 50 mph. The simple fact that he’s alive is amazing to me. His injuries are severe; bruising, a few cracked ribs, and a dislocated shoulder. These all have a very positive prognosis.”
He was happy to hear this news, but he knew that something else was coming. “But…”
“But…” Dr. Dulaney continued, “his lower right leg was badly broken in the accident. We are attempting to repair the injuries, but so far our best efforts have not proven successful. The vascular repair is weak and we’ve been attempting to keep the surrounding tissues from becoming infected. We’re giving it our best efforts, but I think you know where I’m going with this.”
“But Declan’s a model. His appearance isn’t just about vanity, it’s his livelihood.” The emotional devastation was evident in Carter’s voice.
“I realize that, Mr. Sinclair, but my primary concern is to save his life. We’re doing everything we can. Do understand that it would be our last option.” Dr. Dulaney stood to leave the room. “I promise you that I’m keeping a very close eye on your brother’s condition. I’m hoping for the best, but preparing for the worst. You should do the same.”
“Thank you. I just don’t know how I’ll tell him.”
Carter looked as if the breath had been knocked out of him at the thought of giving Declan the news.
“You won’t have to tell him alone, Mr. Sinclair. I’ll be the one to tell him with you in the room. He will have many questions and many emotions if that is the route we must take. He deserves to have direct and honest answers.” Dr. Dulaney gave Carter her card and continued, “Please call me if you have any questions.”
“Thank you.” Carter made his way back over to Declan’s bedside. In his profession as a Trooper he’d performed difficult tasks throughout his career. Today, with this news, and the exception of Lacey’s and his mother’s deaths, his career difficulties paled in comparison.
The days are passing by so slowly. Declan’s in agony, and because of that, so am I. I know his discomfort is registering on an unconscious level, though it isn’t visible on his face due to the medications. Somehow I can feel what Declan feels; we’re in sync that way. T
From the moment I was aware that I was in love with him, my life was never the same as it once was. I was an independent girl; I always was. Loving him changed me in many ways—some for better, some for worse; nonetheless, I knew I’d never be the same.
Whenever he was away from me, we were still tethered emotionally. I’d be doing any small task and think of him. Almost immediately, he’d call. I somehow knew that he would. It was just one of those little, everyday things that happen when you become linked with someone’s heart. Declan had my heart. If I could will it, I’d speak to him and have him heal, but the body doesn’t always respond so quickly, if ever, to what the mind wants.
“How are you today, sweetie?” my mom asked as she walks in with the most beautiful flowers. She takes them to the windowsill, placing them there and arranges them so their beauty is captured, filling the otherwise dull room. “I thought we needed a little something cheerful in here,” she said as she smiled. “What do you think, Declan?” Mom asks as she gives him a light kiss on the cheek. She lovingly caresses his jaw. “You continue regaining your strength, sweetie,” she whispers in his ear. Mom then walked over to me. “How’s my other patient? Our beautiful girl,” she said as she wrapped her arms around me. “Are you feeling a bit better today, Aria?” I had no reply. Until I had more information about Declan, I was becoming more comfortable remaining in my numb state.
Mom then set about with her special talent of making a hospital room seem a bit more cheerful. She was a pro at this. She had spent so much time in hospitals with my dad—too much time, in fact. She’d spent countless hours waiting for surgeries to end, blood tests to be done, and x-rays to be taken. She’d seen her share of recovery rooms, waiting for my dad to regain consciousness.
Most people feel bad for what the patient is going through. Watching my mother go around this room, I think much credit needs to be given to the caregiver. They’re the unsung heroes. My mom was just as much a victim of dad’s illness as he was. She loved him, but his illness took a great toll on their personal relationship. People change when they are ill—it isn’t always for the better. The person who is ill or injured thinks that if they distance themselves from the ones who love them they are protecting them. One aspect I can honestly say stayed consistent with my parents—they never, ever stopped loving each other. As I keep vigil over Declan, waiting for any sign of his improvement, I’m praying for the opportunity to share a love like that with him.
“Aria, please, baby…don’t cry.” My voice sounds hoarse and foreign to me. TT
Aria quickly snapped her head around to look at me, and I can see the toll that has been physically and emotionally taken on her. I can see streaks where tears have fallen on her face. I’d move heaven and earth to ease her distress if I could. I want the chance to make her world lovely again. I want to do the little things—for her.
As I try to move, I feel a tremendous amount of pain, especially in my leg. Then the memory of what happened comes back—at least, some of it does. I remember running, but I don’t remember why.
Aria’s hair is disheveled about her and my thoughts are distracted by my attraction to her. I want to tuck her hair behind her ear just so that I can touch her face. I want to pull her chin up to look into her eyes. Her eyes! I feel as if I am famished to see her eyes and look into her soul.
Aria, I don’t know how long I’ve been here, but I feel the deprivation of seeing the way you look into my eyes, baby. I’m hungry and thirsty to wrap you in my arms and never let you go. I want to touch you and have you respond to my touch. I feel like it’s been forever since I held you. Oh, my Aria…
Her cracked voice registered no sound when she tried to speak. Taking a few deep breaths, she attempted a second time.
“Declan, I’ve missed you so much…” Tears that could no longer be contained now flowed freely down her face. Aria couldn’t fight her emotions as her reserve of strength had been depleted. Nothing remained but raw emotion.
“I remember bits and pieces.” Reaching for her, the searing pain in my leg nearly tore me in two. “Ahhhhhhhhh…” I bent over with the agony of the pain.
“Don’t move. Let me call the nurse.” She pushed a button and came to stay at my side.
“What the hell happened to me?” I pleaded for answers while fighting the pain.
Carter walked into the room and came to assist her. When he saw my distress, he began speaking in the cool, calm, and collected tone of a State Trooper. I didn’t take that as a good sign.
“Hi, baby bro. What’s going on today?” He said walking toward me.
“Why don’t you tell me?”
“I saw the Doctor in the hallway. She’ll be in shortly to speak to you. Your vital signs are good. Most of your injuries are healing much faster than she hoped.” My brother looked at me with hope and encouragement.
“What do you mean by most?”
Dr. Dulaney came in and addressed me.
“Mr. Sinclair, I’m Dr. Dulaney. I’ve been in to see you every day; however, you’ve been in various states of consciousness and may not remember. Do you remember anything about th
e accident?”
“Vaguely. I remember running and getting hit. I don’t remember why, and I don’t remember by what.”
“It will come back to you with time,” he replied. “You were hit by a vehicle moving at 50 mph. You sustained internal injuries, cracked ribs, dislocated shoulder, and internal bruising, but you’re healing well from those. There is, however, a most serious injury to your lower right leg.”
“I guess that would be why it hurts like hell?” I queried while fighting the pain.
“Yes. That would be why.” Dr. Dulaney shook her head in reply. I am glad that you’re conscious, Mr. Sinclair, because we’ve been attempting to save your leg for several days. Our best efforts have not proven successful, thus far.”
What the hell was she saying?! My eyes moved around the room. Aria, Jeannie, Carter, and Dr. Dulaney all had their attention on me.
“What are you saying, Doc?” I asked, but wasn’t certain—I wanted to know.
“What I am saying, Mr. Sinclair”—Dr. Dulaney paused, moving closer to the hospital bed—“is that the injury is critical and the situation is grave. There is a possibility of an amputation…”
Seizing a moment can define you, and I was being given such a moment. TTT
I observed Aria sitting composed, quiet and broken, next to me. Although her eyes were moist, she reigned in her sentiments with quiet strength. She held my hand and never released her gaze from my eyes. Oh my God, her father! Those eyes…they had cried tears for a scenario like this before.
She shouldn’t be shedding tears. This was bullshit! It wasn’t right. She had cried for her father when he lost his leg. She had cried for her mother, whose heart was devastated for her husband so long ago. Although the circumstance of the loss were different, the result was the same. I was going to lose more than a leg. I felt like I was losing my mind! She had confided all of these things to me. How could I allow her more pain?!
The doctor, pensive and attentive, waited for a reaction from me. I couldn’t collect my thoughts, yet I knew I’d have a million questions for her. All I could think of was Aria, my beautiful girl. I somehow knew she was with me for days. Although I was the injured one, I felt an overpowering need to protect her.
I couldn’t remember all of the details of the accident, dammit, but I remembered Aria. I loved her more than life itself. She continued to look up at me. In her I saw everything that I could possibly want in life reflected back to me; love, devotion, affection, tenderness, attraction, admiration, desire, and loyalty. She was the truest and most honest example of a woman that I’d ever known. I knew my life would be more than astonishing with her.
This had to be my defining moment. I had to see the big picture and it had to be about more than me. I knew what I needed to say to her. I knew it beyond certainty… A memory of a street… I looked into those lovely, blue-gray eyes and my thoughts killed me. Those eyes pulled me in. They had magnetized and allowed me to see to the inside of her soul. The only eyes that had me captivated… I saw her from across the street…From the moment I looked into them, her delicate, lovely face would be seared into my brain…
But, wait a minute…what…I was running. I was running after Aria. I was calling for her but she wouldn’t stop… I had to stop before she experienced any more pain… Why wouldn’t she stop? It was what…an argument?…I loved her too much to hold on to her…I was running after her because of a damn argument! About what? I couldn’t remember. I don’t know if I can ever let her go…What the hell! No wonder she looked so forlorn!…STOP! My head hurts!.. She felt guilty!…I can’t think…Now I was going to lose my leg because she didn’t…what?…STOP!…MY HEAD!!!…Aria, you’ll get hurt!!!…want to stop when I called to her?! Oh hell! This was a nightmare!!
My head throbbed. Thoughts and memories threatened to take me under. I couldn’t make sense of the images that were tumbling into my brain. I needed air…I needed to get out…I needed to make a decision that I knew I was going to hate! I felt that I’d suffocate or vomit as everything was running through my mind. I looked into her eyes. I wanted to save her and I wanted to scream at her! Everything was confusing and I couldn’t focus. I needed to look at her eyes! Dammit I needed to see her eyes! From what I could see in them they were pained, hurt and confused. I locked onto them, and to her, for just an instant. Her confusion was as great as mine.
With my own tears falling I looked at my beauty’s emotional spectrum. She couldn’t disguise anything from me once I saw her eyes. She knew what I was doing and she turned away from me. I felt I’d be sick or change my mind, but I’d reached the point of no return.
I said the words that horrifically incinerated every thought and emotion we had worked so hard to build. They were like acid, hatefully burning my mouth and throat upon their utterance…
“Aria.” She spun around to face me, daring me to give voice to what she suspected was coming next…
“Get the hell out!”
T Come Away to the Water – Maroon 5 (feat. Rozzi Crane)
TT Breakdown – Seether
Paige will be arriving today to drive me to my beach cottage renovation. It didn’t sell—actually, I decided not to sell it. She said a woman placed a contract on it, but I didn’t entertain the offer at all and declined. I needed a place to live as living with Declan was no longer an option. T
He only remembers fragments of the day of the accident. Unfortunately, his memories are of the worst parts. He remembers that we argued, but he has no recall of the content of the argument. He remembers he screamed for my safety, pleading for me to stop, and that I completely disregarded him. He speaks very little to me, if at all. At first, his recollection caused him to lash out at me. My visits were met with a cold and callous man that was unfamiliar to me. His memory allows him to feel that he loved me, but he won’t acknowledge it, and I can no longer sense the depth to which he feels anything good toward me. He refuses to allow me to reflect and remind him of how good we were. In light of this, I can’t see what positive purpose it would serve for me to attempt to fill in the blanks for him. Not in this current state of mind. He doesn’t want to remember right now. I can sense that my presence isn’t welcome, and I can’t bear to cause him more discomfort, physical or emotional. Perhaps with time, when his apprehension toward me isn’t so great…maybe then he’ll remember the depth of the emotions he allowed himself to feel with me. T
Daily, I’m a hollow shell. I function, at best, in the appearance of the woman I once was. I put one foot in front of the other and exert great effort to perform what tasks I’m required to do, when I must do them. I only allow people to see what they want to see. It’s easier that way.
I’m not certain what will happen with Declan and I, but I do know, in the depths of my soul, that he still loves me. My hope is that he can, and will, one day yearn to find that love from beneath the anger and resentment that are currently residing inside him where his love and affection used to live. I think about him and the love we shared. The love that I believed was almost as perfect as love could be; however, perfection doesn’t exist in this life. I’ve come to the knowledge that Declan now sees himself as physically imperfect and flawed. I also know that one day he will understand that I could love him and his self-conceived imperfection. He helped me through my weaknesses. He was strong for me during a sorrowful time in my life, and he loved me through my insecurities. He hasn’t realized that he won’t permit me to do the same for him.
Since he has refused me and my affections, I now have much time to think, so I walk on the beach and I think of him. I look for direction to guide me in breaking through the veneer of indifference with which he now covers himself.
This is where I started, walking on the beach and looking out at the ocean. My perfect place where I took my broken heart and found the love of my life. It has always been here, my healing place, where the sights and sounds embrace and tend to me. So I sit, as I have for so many days of my life, and I look to the sea and the sky for answers�
�answers that never come.
As has happened for so many recent days, the numbness inside of me continues. Rising from the soft sand I take in the unique crystal panorama. The sun on the ocean glistens like liquid silver in motion. I’ve come to peace with the decision that I won’t visit this particular spot again. There are too many memories. Pain seems to be the only emotion that pierces the numbness.
The knowledge that I’ll no longer take in this landscape leaves me resigned and I rise and take my coffee cup in hand. My heart has felt so many sentiments on this beach with my family, loved ones, and friends. Thoughts of them tumble through my memory, and suddenly, I’m frozen in my steps. Declan’s porch is in my view. Emotions begin to penetrate the numbness I have grown to embrace. My eyes automatically drop as I feel a stabbing pain penetrate my consciousness, as well as my heart. I look at my hand holding the coffee cup and an instantaneous image of him holding our coffees enters my mind. His handsome features begin to infiltrate my mind’s eye and my senses invade the cold vacancy that has so reliably been my protection of late. Suddenly the memory of his scent invades my nostrils and I breathe him into my lungs. My knees become weak and the trembling begins from the soles of my feet, traveling up my body as the breeze passes over my skin and masquerades as his touch. Simultaneously, something bubbles up inside of me and I feel an overwhelming urge not unlike a crashing wave. It encroaches physically from the pit of my stomach…it is something that I cannot identify. An undiscernibly painful reminder of the endless times that Declan loved me to the point of rapture binds me. The infiltration is physically and emotionally unbearable as I haven’t felt anything for so long. The sensations dissect my insides and begin to form a terrible, butchering storm over which I have no control. The placid and numb containment that had been my protection is hopeless to once again cover me, and I can no longer confine the torrent that has been biding its time to escape. TT
Positive/Negativity Page 23
