Can't Fight the Feeling

by Sandy James

  “Let me ask you a question,” Baron said.

  Russ gave him a nod.

  “When did you break that girl’s heart?”

  The sharp question only increased Russ’s pain. “Three days ago.”

  “And yet she was here this morning.”

  It took a moment for his father’s statement to register. “What?”

  “It’s true,” Yvonne said with a nod. “She came by after breakfast to bring us some information on a new physical therapist she says we should work with.”

  Russ ran his hand over his face, trying to figure out what would possess Josie to go to his parents’ house after he’d broken up with her. “Are you kidding me?”

  His mother shook her head. “She didn’t say a word about you or what happened. Said we should call her if we needed anything.”

  Absolutely flabbergasted, Russ couldn’t think of a single reason why Josie was still checking on his parents. “Why would she do that?”

  “You don’t know?” Yvonne asked. “You really don’t know?”

  Baron let out a snort. “Ain’t got the sense God gave a goat.” Damn if he didn’t give Russ another smack to the head.

  “Stop it, Dad.” He rubbed the sore spot. “No, Mom. I really don’t know.”

  “Because she promised me she’d always be there if we needed her.”

  The promise didn’t surprise him. Josie was a thoughtful person, and she always followed through with anything she said she’d do. But now that they were no longer a couple, that promise should’ve been nullified. What kind of person kept caring for an ex’s parents after the end of a relationship?

  A kind, dedicated person like Joslynn. An NP who genuinely liked the people she cared for. He’d seen the way the tie between her, Yvonne, and Baron had grown. He shouldn’t have been so shocked that she still came by to check on them.

  “She takes care of us because she loves you.” Yvonne came to sit next to him on the couch. Then she patted his knee. “I have to confess, Russell, that when you said you had something to tell us, I’d hoped you were going to say that you’d proposed to Joslynn.”

  Like he’d do that to her.

  I sentence you, Joslynn Wright, to life with a man who will one day forget who you are and hit you when he’s angry.

  She glanced back at her husband. “We were both hoping you two would marry.”

  “I wouldn’t do that to her,” Russ blurted out.

  Yvonne gripped his leg. “What did you just say?”

  “Nothing.”

  “Answer your mother,” Baron insisted.

  This wasn’t a discussion he wanted to have, so Russ jumped to his feet. “I need to go.”

  “Don’t you dare walk away,” Yvonne said. “What did you mean that you wouldn’t do that to her?”

  Hands on his hips, Russ kept his back to his parents. “I don’t want to talk about this.”

  Baron put himself in front of Russ. “I think I understand.” He reached out to put his hands on his son’s shoulders. “Come sit down. Please.”

  With a heaved sigh, he gave his father a nod and went to sit next to his mother again.

  “This ain’t about you and Joslynn not getting along.” Baron’s eyes caught Russ’s, and there was naked pain in his father’s blue eyes—eyes that looked so like his own. “This is about me.”

  “Dad…”

  Yvonne kept shifting her gaze between Baron and Russ. Then her mouth became a surprised O.

  “I need to go,” Russ said. His parents had enough problems. They didn’t need to have this discussion, one that would just make them feel worse about Baron’s illness.

  “Russell!” Yvonne said. “Tell me you didn’t break up with that angel because of us!”

  “I didn’t break up with her because of you.” Which, thanks to the way she’d asked, was the truth.

  “Now you’re lying,” Baron said. He frowned and glanced to his wife. “He feels sorry for you, Vonny.”

  “Dad, stop. Please.”

  “He doesn’t want Joslynn to find herself in your shoes.” A tear slipped from Baron’s eye.

  Russ swallowed hard. His father had never been one to show his emotions, yet another thing that Alzheimer’s had changed. But today was a good day, and Baron had control of his mind. Which meant he could see the effects of his illness on his family, exactly what Russ hadn’t wanted to remind him about. And he wasn’t about to make them feel some sort of misplaced guilt that he’d inherited the Alzheimer’s gene.

  “Oh, Russell.” Yvonne shook her head. “You’re worried that one day you’ll be like your daddy.”

  Baron was nodding and frowning, having swiped away the tear.

  All Russ could do was nod. He was too choked up to say a word.

  Looking to his wife, Baron said, “Let me ask you somethin’, Vonny. On the day I asked you to marry me, if someone would’ve told you that we’d be where we are now, would you have changed your mind?”

  “No, sir. Not for nothing.” His mother looked back at Russ. “What do you think love is? A guarantee of happiness?”

  “No,” Russ snapped. “I don’t think that.”

  “Yet because of your daddy’s problem, you think you’re guaranteed unhappiness.”

  He sure hadn’t thought of it that way. “It’s more than that.”

  “Then tell us,” his father said, his tone as terse as Russ’s had been.

  Head bowed, Russ shook his head.

  “You had the test, didn’t you?” Yvonne asked. “That’s why you pushed Joslynn away.”

  “Mom…”

  “You have the gene, right?”

  Russ’s shoulders sagged as he nodded.

  “Oh, Russell. I’m so sorry.”

  “It’s no one’s fault, Mom.”

  Baron’s chin trembled. “I’m sorry, Russell. I’m so sorry.”

  “Dad…” Russ hurried to Baron and embraced him. “There’s no blame. None at all.”

  After a long hug, Russ finally let go only to find himself gathered into his mother’s arms. He held her as she softly wept.

  When he let her go, she took his hand. “This doesn’t mean you have to leave Joslynn.”

  “Yes, it damn well does.”

  “What if you could switch places with her?” Yvonne asked. “What if she was the one who had the chance of getting something like your daddy has?”

  The blunt talk in front of Baron bothered Russ, and he worried his father felt as though they were being cruel to speak so openly about his diagnosis. Then it dawned on him that they’d never really discussed how Alzheimer’s had changed all their lives. Maybe this talk was past due.

  His mother pressed the point. “Would you want her to walk away from you for something that might happen to her years in the future?”

  When he didn’t answer, she stood and went over to take Baron’s hand. “Go on home, Russell, and think on that for a while,” she said. “If the potential for a hardship is enough to send you running, well, then…Go on and run. She deserves a man with more guts.”

  Chapter Twenty-Four

  He what?” Savannah shouted loud enough for a few of the customers in Shamballa to turn and stare at her.

  Joslynn hunched a little lower in her chair. “Russ broke up with me.” It was humiliating to have this discussion. She’d never wanted to be the kind of woman who whined about some man.

  Ah, but Russ wasn’t “some man.” He’d wounded her heart, maybe beyond repair. Not only was she angry at him, but she was also furious at herself for allowing him that kind of power.

  “That makes absolutely no sense,” Savannah said. “The guy adores you.”

  “Obviously not,” Jos drawled. Sarcasm wasn’t her usual response, but then again, this situation wasn’t something she’d gone through before. Even the time she’d spent with Tim in college paled in comparison to the commitment she’d made to Russ.

  Is there a proper way to handle losing the man you love?

  “How are yo
u doin’?” Savannah asked.

  “I’m fine.”

  “Yeah, right…The guys are going to have a fit.”

  “Can you just keep it low-key? I don’t want his partners angry with him.” Joslynn shrugged. “Besides, it’s personal. It shouldn’t affect anyone else.”

  Reaching across the small table, Savannah covered Joslynn’s clenched fist with her hand. “Yes, it’s personal. But you’re my best friend, Jos. You’re Chelsea’s friend, too. And Russ, Brad, and Ethan are like brothers. You and Russ are family. Of course this will affect us.”

  All Jos could do was sigh and nod.

  “Why?” Savannah asked.

  “Why?” Joslynn let out a huff. “Beats the shit outta me.”

  “What did he say?”

  “Something stupid.”

  “Don’t they all?” Savannah gave her a lopsided smile.

  Jos wasn’t about to be cajoled out of her dark mood. “Something like ‘we had fun, but it’s over.’”

  “What are you going to do about it?”

  Incredulous, Jos pulled her hand back. “Do about it? Are you kidding me? I’m not doing a fucking thing about it. He wants his freedom? Voilà! He’s free.”

  Savannah let out a weary sigh. “It’s not going to be that easy, Jos.”

  “Sure it is. In fact, it’s already done. Just let it be, okay?” For a moment Joslynn thought about telling Savannah about her doctor visit and her blood tests. Then she decided against it. The only person she really wanted to talk to was Russ, but that wasn’t going to happen. No, Jos wasn’t going to dump her health worries on Savannah until she was sure there was even anything to worry about.

  Reverting to habit, she would handle things on her own.

  Talking about Russ was only making her feel worse, so it was time to bring the conversation to an end. “Look, I need to go. I just wanted to tell you what was going on.”

  “What can I do to help?” Savannah asked.

  Joslynn shook her head as she stood up and slung her purse over her shoulder.

  “Please call me if you need anything, even if you just wanna talk. Promise?”

  “Thanks. I’ll see you soon.” Her protective walls cracking at the sympathetic look on Savannah’s face, Joslynn left in a hurry.

  * * *

  As soon as she got home from Shamballa, Joslynn hurried to change her clothes and don her running shoes.

  She didn’t mind running in the rain. Although it had been overcast at the beginning of her workout, the drizzle had started after mile one. That light misting turned into a downpour less than five minutes later. Still, she ran because it kept her from thinking about the mess that was now her life.

  Dr. Blunt had found only one thing that concerned him, something she’d missed in her own head-to-toe inspection. Her thyroid was inflamed. The moment he palpated her neck, he told her she had a goiter. She’d glanced in the mirror and gasped when she saw the obvious bump against her larynx.

  Thyroid problems are common for women, the NP in her kept preaching. Yet the panic in her kept screaming, Cancer!

  A debate raged within her mind between the health-care professional and the frightened patient. If this was a thyroid problem, it would explain a lot of her symptoms. The fatigue. The weight loss. The insomnia. Plus, thyroid imbalances could be easily treated with medications. Her guess was that her gland had become too active and was forcing her body into a state of hyperactivity. In that case, she could take a prescription to slow down the hormone production and another medication to ease her symptoms.

  But what if it is truly cancer?

  There was no way to rule that out with simple blood tests. Dr. Blunt had ordered a biopsy to see exactly what was going on inside the gland. She would have that biopsy in a few days, and if it came back to show cancer, Joslynn faced chemo and possible metastasis to other parts of her body.

  Her most basic instinct was to call Russ, to tell him what Dr. Blunt had found and to spill out her fears. In his typical way, he’d enfold her in his arms, press a kiss to the top of her head, and tell her that no matter what this problem turned out to be, he’d be there to help her through.

  That had been the way he’d worn down her resistance in the beginning of their relationship—to hold up his parents’ and grandparents’ lives as examples of couples supporting each other through thick and thin. He’d promised the same in his relationship with her.

  Liar!

  She’d been foolish enough to believe him, to stop fighting her feelings and then let them guide her actions. She’d jumped into the deep end, allowing her heart to overrule her head. And she’d fallen deeply in love with him.

  Fool!

  Anger filled her, giving her strength and energy to keep running. The world went by in a blur as Joslynn kept striding, breathing in with each few steps and out with a few more. Her mind reeled, considering her connection with Russ and thinking through her numerous health options. Back and forth. Back and forth. One, then the other.

  She ran a little faster.

  She didn’t dread the procedure. The process itself was simple and not horribly uncomfortable. The results would be more painful than the needle aspiration of some thyroid fluid and tissue.

  Who will drive me there since Russ is gone?

  You can drive yourself.

  She could always ask Savannah. Or Chelsea.

  You don’t need him!

  An image of Baron and Yvonne popped into her head, and she knew without a doubt that they would give their lives for their partner. She’d thought that was the kind of love she shared with Russ—it was the kind of love he’d promised, damn it!

  She was weary, dog-tired of hiding her emotions. Her whole life seemed like a masquerade where she put on a disguise instead of showing people how she truly felt. Through the chemo and her fear that leukemia might steal her life, she’d used her “brave face.” The nurses had been so encouraging and supportive, and she hadn’t wanted to disappoint them with tears or whining. She’d pasted on a smile and endured the treatments, never once letting anyone know how terrified she was and how much she needed someone to hug her and tell her she would be all right.

  At work she wore another mask—the poised NP, the woman who understood exactly what her patients were enduring and would stop at nothing to help them through. She didn’t dare show any fear, because that fear would be witnessed by people who needed her absolute confidence. So no matter how scary a situation was, Joslynn played her part and kept her facade firmly in place.

  I’m fucking sick and tired of hiding who I really am and what I really feel!

  Mile after mile, she lost herself in the loop of her thoughts. Worry over her situation would yield to her need to be with Russ. The love she had for him refused to allow her to separate the two.

  Understanding dawned, and Joslynn almost skidded to a stop.

  For the first time in my life, I don’t want to handle something alone.

  The world began to coalesce, bringing her back from where she disappeared to whenever she ran. As she became aware of where she was, she wasn’t surprised to see she’d been following the route she normally drove to Russ’s place. She’d let him leave without saying a single thing, without telling him exactly what she thought about him and the way he’d dumped her.

  Well, she was damn well going to speak her mind now.

  Slowing to walk, she caught her breath and gave a lot of consideration to exactly what she could say. Would she tell him she still loved him? Would she tell him she wished he’d tell her what had changed his feelings? Would she let him know how much she needed him, especially now?

  The rain still fell, washing over her face, soaking her clothes and her hair. Didn’t matter. The time for confrontation had arrived.

  Choking back threatening tears, Joslynn pounded her fist against the door.

  * * *

  Russ scribbled down a few more lyrics before putting the pencil back between his teeth and playing a bit more of his song. Th
e heavy rain and occasional thunder added to his melancholy mood, but he focused on telling Joslynn what was in his heart through this song.

  His parents had given him so much to think about that he felt as though he were drowning in emotions. By the time he’d driven back to his home, he’d stepped inside, shut the door, and just stood there, thinking. Through his troubling thoughts and tumultuous emotions, only one thing rang clear.

  I made the biggest mistake of my life.

  Josie was the love of his life, and by walking away from her—no matter how important the reason—he’d ruined his future. And hers. He had no doubt now that she loved him.

  The way she’d reacted to his announcement that he was breaking up with her told him how she felt. Oh, other people might see that stoic face she showed the public, but Russ knew better. He saw the vulnerability and how hard she was struggling to not tell him that he was breaking her heart.

  That thought made him choke up, and he feared he’d spoiled things to the point she could never forgive him.

  No, that was untenable. Josie had to take him back. She just had to.

  While Russ wanted to jump back in his car and race over to her house, he forced himself to wait. If he charged into the Cottage, telling her he was wrong, she’d probably kick his ass right to the curb. No, he was going to have to find a way, a very special way, to let her know that he’d never stopped loving her and that he hadn’t made his choice to leave because of anything she’d done.

  Then he’d seen his guitar leaning against the side of his couch and he’d suddenly known exactly what to do.

  He was going to finish her song, and then he was going to sing it for her at Words & Music.

  Goal firmly in mind, he’d gathered together all his notes and tentative lyrics, and he’d gone to work. Things had been coming together nicely, and he had high hopes that he’d be able to show everything to Brad within a few days. After Brad helped him polish the melody and the lyrics, Russ would be able to give Josie a concert, and he’d beg her to forgive him.

  A loud clap of thunder was followed closely by someone pounding on his front door. He wasn’t in the mood to talk to anyone, and he sure didn’t want to be interrupted. Had the pounding not continued beyond civility, he would’ve let the person believe he wasn’t home. But whoever it was still kept beating against the door as though something was desperately wrong.