Shameless WIth Him: A Less Than Novel

by Ryan, Carrie Ann

  My gaze shot up, and I almost spilled the soy sauce out of my bowl. “Yeah, that was a little weird. But, like you said, we’re not on a date, so it’s not a big deal. Anyway, tuna or salmon?” I was talking very quickly. Caleb studied me for a minute before reaching out with his chopsticks.

  “Let’s start with the tuna and work our way towards the end.”

  “Sounds good.” And then I would crawl under a rock. Because I was jealous. Jealous of his past, envious of people who weren’t with him at all.

  And I didn’t know what to think about that. Because I didn’t want to be that person. But, honestly, what if we had been on a date?

  We didn’t talk about it at all. Instead, we went over the wedding plans and only the wedding plans. We ate every single thing on our plates, laughed and joked, and acted like nothing odd had happened. Maybe it hadn’t. Perhaps that was all on me.

  This part of the plan that I didn’t actually have was not working out very well. We went out to the parking lot, and I pulled out my phone to call a ride.

  “Did you walk here?” Caleb asked, worry in his tone.

  “Amelia picked me up so we could go work out this morning, and then I walked here from my store. I was planning to take a car service home anyway instead of Amelia having to come back to pick me up. She has a date with Tucker tonight.”

  Caleb shook his head. “I’ll take you home.”

  “You don’t have to.” Plus, being in an enclosed space with Caleb Carr probably wasn’t the best idea.

  We reached his vehicle just as I finished that thought.

  “In, Zoey.”

  I rolled my eyes at his growl but got in the car anyway. Bad decisions or not, I was going to save some money on a car service.

  We talked about nothing important as we made our way to my house, just wedding plans and the weather. And even as we spoke, I wondered if maybe I had made a mistake. Perhaps I shouldn’t still have a crush on Caleb. Clearly, he did not have one on me. So, maybe I should just get over it. Perhaps formulating a plan was a very bad idea.

  He pulled into my driveway and turned off the vehicle. I frowned. “What’s wrong? Why did you turn off the car?”

  “I’m walking you to your door.”

  I shook my head. “I’m a big girl.”

  “And a big girl can get her ass out of the car as I walk her to her door.”

  “You’re so nice.”

  “I try. Now, move it, Zoey.”

  I picked up my bag and hopped out of the car, wondering what the hell had crawled up his ass. I got to the doorway, and he was suddenly there, looming.

  “What is it, Caleb?”

  “I don’t know,” he growled and then lowered his head. My pulse raced, and I couldn’t breathe. When his lips touched mine, I wondered if maybe I had died earlier and now this was my heaven, my torment, my insanity.

  But then his lips pressed harder, and I was lost.

  Chapter 6

  Caleb

  My lips were on Zoey’s, and I didn’t give a damn if this moment in time was a mistake. In this exact instant, I didn’t care if the rest of the world surrounded us, or that I should have been focused on work, or what the test results would say if they ever came back.

  I didn’t care. Because Zoey’s hands were on my back, her fingernails digging into my skin through my shirt, and she was kissing me with the same urgency that ran through my veins.

  I hadn’t let myself think about this, even though I’d wanted to for far too long. Hadn’t thought I should ever think about this at all. But in this moment, she was mine. Her touch, her taste…all mine. It was an intoxicating blend that sent shivers down my spine even as I deepened the kiss, my thumbs on her cheeks allowing me to angle her head back. I needed more. Craved more.

  She tasted of our desserts and Zoey. I hadn’t known a person could have a taste.

  How had I not realized that she could? That she’d have her own particular taste that would go straight to my cock, make my dick press harder into the zipper of my slacks. How had I not known that she would do this to me? That I would want more of this.

  But as I moaned, and she sighed, I knew that part of me had always known.

  Every time I had seen her when we were kids, or even as teens and adults, there had been a small part of me that always noticed her.

  I loved being near her. Adored the way she laughed and smiled and blushed. She just radiated happiness, even when she wasn’t all that happy. I knew that she had gone through hell when she was younger but came out of it stronger. She’d always had a smile for me. No matter what had been happening with the rest of the world, she had smiled for me.

  She did so tonight, as well, and now, my lips were on hers, and I didn’t want to stop.

  Even though we really needed to.

  I pulled away slightly, my breath coming in pants right along with hers as I rested my forehead against hers.

  “We should have done that years ago,” I rushed out, not realizing that I was actually saying the words until they were already out of my mouth.

  “What? What was that?” Her words were breathy, and I swallowed hard, trying to figure out what to say. I’d had a headache before, but this was nothing like that. It was a whirl of words and thoughts that made no sense to me.

  How had we ended up here?

  Why?

  “That was something we should’ve done before,” I repeated.

  “You kissed me.”

  “You kissed me back.”

  She pulled away from me, moved into the house, and started pacing in her foyer. “You’ve never kissed me before.”

  I slipped my hands into my pockets. “Did you not want me to kiss you?”

  “I…I…” Her voice trailed off, and she blushed right to the tips of her ears. She shook her head, and if it weren’t for the fact that she looked at a loss for words, I would have felt that unsaid “no” right down to my core. I think maybe she didn’t know what to say. After all, I wasn’t sure what to say either.

  I hadn’t planned on kissing Zoey tonight.

  But damned if I would regret it now that it was done.

  “I still don’t know what that was,” she whispered.

  “I’ll be honest and say I really didn’t know either.”

  She looked at me then and laughed. Full-on laughed.

  “What? What part of that was funny?”

  “I’m sure you know all about kissing, Caleb Carr.”

  “Why did you say my name that way? Like both names were one word. A title.”

  She shook her head and turned away.

  Regret filled my stomach, and I took a step forward. “I’m sorry.”

  She turned then, raising her chin. “Sorry for kissing me? Thanks for that.”

  “I don’t know what to say. I didn’t mean that I was sorry for kissing you. Because I’m not. But I’m sorry that I’m hurting you for some reason. I don’t know what I did or said. But I apologize for how I’m making you feel. Or maybe even that you didn’t want that kiss. I thought you did. Perhaps I read the signs wrong.”

  “You didn’t read the signs wrong,” she whispered.

  “Good. Good.” I was usually better at my words than this. But I couldn’t figure out what they were. Even as I was speaking, my pulse started to race, and my head began to pound. Fuck. I needed to get home soon, or I would get a full-blown migraine. No one needed to see that, let alone Zoey.

  Zoey.

  What was I doing? Standing here in her foyer like I had the right to start something. But I couldn’t walk away. Not now. Because what if I did, and it all changed? I didn’t know what the answers were, but if I knew anything, I knew that if I walked away without saying a damn thing, I’d regret it. And I hoped maybe she would regret it, too.

  “You’ve never kissed me before. Why did you kiss me just then?” Zoey asked.

  “I guess the phrase because I wanted to isn’t a good one,” I answered honestly.

  She stared at me, and I tried
to read her gaze. I couldn’t. “Actually, that’s a pretty good answer.” She ran her hands over her face and then began to pace again. “I wasn’t expecting this. This wasn’t part of the plan.”

  She froze then, and I took a step forward.

  “What plan?”

  “No plan. No plan at all. Seriously, there was never a plan.”

  “You have me intrigued. Was there a plan for me, Zoey?” Had those looks I had seen been real? Did she want me as much as I wanted her? Not that I knew exactly how much I wanted her. After all, I hadn’t let myself think that far ahead.

  And I shouldn’t be thinking about the future at all. However, I was going to. Even if just for a little bit.

  “I think you should go. Yes, you should go. Because that would be best for everybody. It’s just…everything is so complicated, you know?”

  She said the words quickly, and I shook my head. “I don’t know if I believe that. Do you?”

  “I don’t know, Caleb. I thought maybe… No, never mind. It’s a little bit too much honesty when we’re trying to figure things out. You know?”

  “I can honestly say I don’t know.”

  “I wasn’t expecting this. But I don’t know. Caleb?”

  “Yeah?”

  “You kissed me. And I don’t know what that means. As much as I really liked it. Because I’m not going to lie to you. I really liked that.”

  “I did, too, Zoey.” My voice was soft, and her eyes darkened just a bit. I wanted to count that as a good thing. Though I wasn’t sure it was.

  “However, Caleb, now that I think about it, it’s really tricky.”

  “Because you’re best friends with my sister and with my brother’s fiancée?”

  “That and I’d like to think we’re friends, too.”

  I took a few steps forward and cupped her face, surprising us both. “You’re my friend, Zoey. Since you were little. I saved you on the beach that one day, remember? All the way in Hawaii, of all places.”

  She blinked away a tear, and it surprised me. “I didn’t think you remembered that.”

  “Of course, I remember that day. It scared the hell out of me that you could have died, even when we were younger.”

  “I would have been fine.”

  “Drowning isn’t fine, Zoey.”

  “I would have found my ground. A way to keep my feet steady. I always have.”

  Wasn’t that the truth? “Yep, you always have. I want to kiss you again, Zoey.”

  “I think I want you to.”

  As I lowered my head, my phone buzzed. She smiled against my lips. “You should take that.”

  “I should really ignore it.”

  “Your sister-in-law is heavily pregnant, and people rely on you. You should check it.”

  She pulled away, and I sighed as I tugged my phone out of my pocket.

  Joey: Hey, are you free tonight? I’m feeling lonely.

  I groaned and stuffed my phone into my pocket, making sure the sound was off.

  “Let me guess, a girl?” Zoey asked. Her lips quirking.

  “No one I’m going to answer.”

  “It’s just ironic.” She started laughing, and I frowned.

  “How the hell is that ironic? I didn’t ask her to text me.”

  “No, you never do.”

  “Hey, that’s not very nice.”

  “No, it’s not. But it’s life. I think I need some time alone to process my thoughts. You should go home.”

  “I didn’t ask for Joey to text me.”

  “I know you didn’t. And you didn’t text her back, and I was the one that forced you to check your phone. It’s just irony slapping me in the face because I didn’t have a plan.”

  “You’re not making any sense, Zoey.”

  “I don’t think I’m making much sense to myself, either.”

  “I want to kiss you again.”

  “I think I want that, too. But not tonight. We had wedding plans we needed to discuss, and we did. And we both had lots of work all day. I had an early morning, and I wasn’t really planning for tonight.”

  “You keep mentioning that plan of yours.”

  “And it doesn’t exist, so I shouldn’t be talking about it at all.” She let out a sigh and moved past me towards the door. I slid my fingers down her arm, and she shivered. “You should go, Caleb.”

  “I’m not going to her, Zoey. I probably won’t even answer her.”

  “You should answer her. Be nice, no matter what. Having an unanswered text hurts.”

  “I’ve never not answered your texts,” I said, worried I had somehow hurt her.

  She shook her head. “No, you never have. You’re always very aware of that. Because you’ve always been my friend. However, even if you’re not going to go see Joey tonight, and I believe you because you’re not that guy, you should still tell her that. Closure. You know?”

  “I do. It just feels weird.”

  “Weird to close something?”

  “No, weird to text another woman after having my mouth on yours.”

  “Well, there’s nothing usual about us, is there?”

  “No, I guess you’re right.”

  “Thanks for tonight, Caleb. Dinner and plans.” She paused. “And that kiss. Because it would be rude not to thank you for that, too.”

  I wanted to lower my head and kiss her again, but I didn’t. I held back. Mostly because I didn’t know if I should. After all, I had been the one telling myself not an hour before that this couldn’t go anywhere. And here I was, kissing her and wanting more. I just didn’t know if I had more to give. Not with everything else going on.

  Even as I thought that, my head pounded, and I knew if I weren’t careful, it would be past the point of safe driving. So, I gave her a tight nod and slid my fingers over her cheek, mostly because I couldn’t not touch her just then.

  “I’ll see you soon, Zoey,” I whispered.

  “Yeah, wedding planning.”

  “And more. Because I’m not going to forget that kiss.”

  “Caleb, I honestly don’t think I could.” She smiled then, and I winked at her before walking out to my car.

  My head pulsed, and bile surged up my throat. I knew I didn’t have much time until I had to be home with the lights off. I wanted to think about Zoey, I wanted to text her and flirt and do all the things a normal guy would do. I just didn’t have that option. Not with a migraine coming. A headache that could possibly be more.

  Jesus, I was scared enough thinking that maybe the kiss had been another hallucination. Not that I’d had one beyond that first and only time, but I’d had one in Alaska, and it had scared me enough that I quit my job and changed my entire career.

  Doctors couldn’t find a single damn thing wrong with me, and I think that scared me more than anything.

  I made my way home and threw up on the tile floor in my foyer. I cursed, crawled to the kitchen so I could get my cleaning supplies, only the scents and motions made me throw up again.

  Jesus.

  I couldn’t do this. I couldn’t do this alone. All thoughts of Zoey fled, mostly because I knew if I wanted to think about her, I would just screw things up even more.

  So, I got out my phone and called my big brother. I needed him. My body hurt, and I needed my big brother. I wasn’t paying attention when I called, so Dimitri was the one who answered, not the one closer in terms of geography.

  “Hey.” I wasn’t even sure I was speaking aloud at this point.

  “Caleb? What’s wrong.”

  “Can you come over?” My voice sounded like I had swallowed marbles, and I coughed. “Need some help.”

  “Thea and I were just leaving Devin’s after dinner. We’re actually pretty close. Need me to bring Devin over?”

  “You need us to call 9-1-1?” Thea asked, and I could tell that they were using the Bluetooth in their car.

  “No, just need you. Use your key.”

  And then I hung up, closed my eyes, and used the coolness of the til
e floor against my cheek to slow my breathing.

  “Oh, fuck,” I heard Dimitri say as he walked in. I hadn’t even realized any time had passed. Shit.

  “I’ll start cleaning. Do I need to call 9-1-1? I will right now.” Thea asked.

  “Is the vomit going to make Thea throw up, too?” I asked, my voice drowsy.

  “I’m fine with vomit. And when the baby comes, I’m sure they’re going to spit up a lot. I should get used to it.”

  I opened one eye as Dimitri knelt next to me, and Thea waddled closer. “I’m just going to clean up the mess, and Dimitri is going to get you into bed. And then you’re going to tell us exactly what’s going on. Okay?”

  She squeezed her husband’s shoulder and then waddled back to where I kept the mops.

  “Thea Carr, go sit down. I will clean it up.”

  I loved it when my big brother got all growly. He loved his wife more than anyone—except for maybe their golden retriever.

  “What about Captain?” I asked, my head pounding.

  “Our lovely dog is sleeping and fine. I texted Thea’s sister to come over and make sure that he had food, water, and see if he needed to go out. You know the entire Montgomery clan will be here if you need them, as well as all the Carrs.”

  “Just need help off the floor. My head hurts.”

  “Migraine?” Dimitri asked, his voice pitched low.

  “Yeah, thanks for whispering.” I didn’t know if I’d be able to deal with anyone speaking too loudly just then. Or even in a normal tone of voice.

  “No worries. It’s what I do. I’ve helped with this before. But, Jesus, this looks pretty bad.”

  “It is.”

  I tried to lever myself up, and then Dimitri cursed under his breath and slid his shoulder under my armpit. I leaned against my big brother, and we made it to the couch before Dimitri let me go.

  “You know, you’re the biggest of all of us, and I don’t think I’m strong enough to carry you in your dead weight.”

  “Weakling,” I said, trying to laugh, and then I groaned. I knew I shouldn’t have done that.

  “I’m turning off all the lights,” Thea said as she waddled around. I wouldn’t actually ever tell her that she was waddling. Still, she looked amazingly gorgeous and hilarious with her big belly coming in like three full seconds before the rest of her entered a room.