‘What time is Colleen opening for the annual Christmas knees-up?’ Dylan asked, breaking into his thoughts.
‘Hmm?’
‘I asked what time Colleen was opening.’ He lowered his voice. ‘You’re still thinking about Tori, aren’t you?’
Spencer shrugged. ‘What else am I meant to do?’ he replied quietly. ‘I’m trying my best not to. Is it that obvious?’
‘Only to me, mate. Listen, if you’re not up to helping in the pub today, let me go. I’m sure Millie won’t mind and Darcie has already said she’s happy to babysit.’
‘It’s good of you to offer, but I’m fine. It’ll stop me from moping around at home and at least it will make Mum and Dad think I’m alright.’
‘I don’t think they’re that easy to fool,’ Dylan replied with a wry smile.
‘Yeah, I know. Ok, so what I mean is they can’t interrogate me about my feelings and give me a ton of well-meaning but pointless advice if I’m stuck behind the bar of the pub, and I can’t lose my temper again and ruin their Christmas completely. How’s that for an excuse?’
‘Better,’ Dylan said. ‘I get that. Well, we’ll be over as soon as we’ve cleared up here, so if you need a hand or a bit of moral support then you can count on me.’
Spencer gave him a sideways look. ‘You really have changed, haven’t you? There was a time you’d have told me to snap out of it and be a man.’
‘There was,’ Dylan laughed. ‘I needed to change, and Millie could see that. She’s done a pretty good job, hasn’t she?’
Spencer smiled slightly. He glanced across the table to where Jasmine laughed with Rich. How different was this new Dylan? If he’d known about their kiss last night, would he still be the same Dylan who had given him a pasting last time he’d revealed his feelings for Jasmine, all those years before? The kiss was one secret that could never come out, even amongst the best of friends, and Spencer decided quickly that he needed to erase it from his own memory too. It seemed safer that way, for him and for Jasmine. ‘She’s done a great job. You were ok before, but I like this new and improved version a lot more.’
‘Thanks!’ Dylan said with a broad grin. ‘At least, I think that’s a compliment!’ His grin faded. ‘But seriously, there’s one thing I know for sure – I was half a man without Millie. I can’t believe how she’s opened the world up to me and turned my life around, and she hasn’t even had to try. Just being with her makes me want to be better and more than I ever thought I could be…’ he paused. ‘That sounds mushy, right?’
‘From you, yes. But it makes sense. It means things are good and right. You’re lucky.’
‘I know. I’m sorry about Tori, I really am. But you know what?’
‘What?’
‘I think she’ll come back when she’s had time to think it through.’
‘I’ve called her about twenty times today and her phone is always off. I’ve sent her about another twenty text messages. You’re right about a lot of things, my friend, but I don’t think you’re right this time.’
Dylan clapped him on the back. ‘You’re right about a lot of things too, but I hope this time you’re very wrong.’
Spencer nodded. ‘Thanks, mate.’
Millie stood from the table and made her way over. ‘Can you help take some of these dishes away?’ she asked Dylan.
‘I’ll help,’ Spencer began, getting up from his chair, but Millie stopped him.
‘It’s ok, Dylan can do it.’
Dylan stood up and kissed her. ‘Is this just an elaborate ruse to get me alone in the kitchen?’ he teased.
‘It’s a not-so-elaborate ruse to get you doing some actual work,’ said Millie, cocking an eyebrow at him.
‘No fair,’ Dylan pouted. ‘I’ve peeled potatoes and everything today!’
‘And I’ve never seen more finely peeled potatoes. Now I need you to do an equally masterful job of clearing dishes and maybe I’ll be really impressed.’
‘Enough for an extra Christmas present later?’ Dylan asked with an impish look.
Millie’s laughter was like music as she glided away from the table with the glasses she had just collected. Spencer looked up to see Dylan watch her go with the expression of a lovesick teenager. It was the same look Spencer imagined he wore when he watched Tori – one that said he was well aware how much she was out of his league, and that he thanked his lucky stars for every day she allowed him to stay in her life. He was glad things had worked out so well for Dylan, who had been subjected to more than his fair share of tragedy, and who had needed an anchor to stop him drifting so far off course that he would never find his way back. He was wrong about one thing, though. Millie had not made him a better man – she had helped him find the man who was in there all along. He had drunk too much, dabbled in substances far more illegal, had gambled, womanised, and not cared a jot for the consequences… But to see him now, anyone who hadn’t known him before Millie would scarcely believe the man who did all those things had ever existed.
He looked down at Spencer. ‘I suppose I’d better be a good boy and do as I’m told.’
Spencer stood up too. ‘I think I might get some air.’
‘Go out into the back yard if you like,’ Dylan replied, understanding immediately Spencer’s need for a moment or two of quiet. ‘It’s nice and private out there and there’s a little seat. The door is already unlocked.’
Spencer stood against the wall of the bakery, watching the first stars appear in a sky washed in lilac and blues. They’d only just finished a long and lazy lunch, but already the night of deepest winter closed in. It was cold, but he didn’t notice it. Somewhere, under the sky he looked up at now, Tori existed. What was she doing? What was she thinking about? Was she thinking of him? Did she feel regret for the things they’d said and done, or relief that it was all over? He tried not to think it might be the latter. He had hoped to be looking up at this sky with her tonight, but for a very different reason, and he had rehearsed the moment over and over again in his mind, certain that she would have been thrilled. It would never happen, not now.
Spencer had never smoked, but there were times when it seemed quite appealing, if only for the excuse for solitary moments outside like this one. Everyone meant well, but the bakery was too crowded, too noisy and just too happy right now. He didn’t want cheering up, he only wanted to reflect on how everything had gone so wrong and work out what to do next. The other thing he wanted was to hide that melancholy from his parents. They’d cheered up considerably during lunch and he was glad of it. They blamed themselves for what had happened, but Spencer didn’t. The way he saw it, if he had been stronger and more committed, if his relationship with Tori had been as rock solid as he had thought, then nothing would have torn them apart, not even warring parents. The blame fell squarely on his shoulders and it was up to him to carry it.
As the evening air lulled him into a strange sort of calm reflection, the back door opened, letting a slice of yellow light out onto the step and a snatch of merriment into the air, which both disappeared again as it closed. Jasmine stood before him with a faint smile.
‘Mind if I join you? It’s far too hot in there now and I could do with a bit of air myself.’
Spencer nodded. He didn’t believe for one moment that Jasmine had come out because she was too hot, but he appreciated the tact on her part. She had come to explain, to clear the air, maybe even to ask him not to mention their moment of intimacy to Rich, though she must have known that she didn’t need to worry, and it needled Spencer slightly to think that she didn’t trust him after all these years. ‘There’s room for two,’ he said.
‘And not much more than that,’ Jasmine replied, pulling her cardigan tighter and taking a seat.
Spencer continued to lean against the wall, and looked down at her expectantly, waiting for her to say what she needed to get off her chest.
‘It’s been a nice dinner – Millie knows how to put on a spread.’
‘Yes,’ he replied, s
till waiting for the real conversation to start.
They lapsed into silence. There was a muffled cheer from inside, followed by laughter.
‘So… are you ok?’ Jasmine asked.
‘Honestly? I don’t know. I’m still processing stuff.’
‘But we’re ok?’ she asked tentatively. ‘You and me, after…’
‘I told you not to worry about it,’ Spencer said, immediately regretting the brusqueness of his tone. ‘I’m sorry. I’m just not myself today.’
‘I understand. But I still feel that I haven’t helped to make things any easier. It was a stupid thing I did last night, and I don’t know what made me do it, but I owe you an explanation.’
‘You gave me one.’
‘A proper one,’ she said.
Spencer sensed that she needed to offload this more than he needed to hear it, and so he nodded and waited.
‘You know me and Rich,’ she began. ‘We’re happy but we’ve always been what you might call… volatile. Others might see it as a sign of things breaking down, but it’s just us, it’s the way we function as a couple. So I’ve been angry with him, and I’ve been frustrated and resentful, and—’
‘You wanted to get back at him?’
‘No,’ Jasmine replied quickly, ‘not like that. I suppose I just needed to vent it, and you’ve always been there for me. I just felt that pull towards you at the same time you just happened to pull towards me and, well, you know…’
‘It’s as much my fault as yours, Jas. How I’ve always felt about you is no secret – even to most of the village, it seems – and I shouldn’t have put myself in a position where I could be tempted. If it makes you feel better, though, you don’t need to feel guilty, or that you’ve led me on, because in a strange way, it was a good thing. After it happened I suddenly saw everything clearly, and I saw that it was Tori I wanted. I love you as a friend, but I’m in love with Tori, and I want to spend my life with her. I came back to Honeybourne and saw a future with her that was somehow closer and more real than ever before, and I was suddenly scared that I wouldn’t be good enough. I was scared that I would disappoint her so much she would leave me. I freaked out and I looked for excuses to fail. I didn’t mean to, but my doubts were like a self-fulfilling prophecy and everything I was scared would happen happened. I wasn’t good enough, and she ended up leaving me. But that was my fault. The thing last night… that was just the final nail in my self-made coffin. But you know you can trust me not to breathe a word to anyone, ever, about it. If you ask me never to speak of it again, I won’t.’
‘That’s exactly what I’m asking. More for your sake than anyone else’s. Rich has only just started to trust you again and…’
Spencer couldn’t help a small smile. ‘Won’t he be wondering what we’re doing out here then?’
‘I doubt it. He has his face in a bowl of Millie’s excellent Christmas pudding right now.’
‘That’s alright then. Millie’s Christmas pudding is a far less complicated situation than our relationships. I wish having my face in a bowl of that was the only thing I had to worry about right now.’
‘You really think she’s gone for good?’
‘Yes, and I wouldn’t blame her.’
‘Have you tried to speak to her?’
‘About a dozen times today. She won’t answer the phone. What’s your suggestion? How can I get her to listen?’
‘I don’t know. It’s hard if she won’t give you a chance. Do you know where she is?’
‘London, I think. At least that’s what they were planning this morning. I need to do something – some grand gesture to somehow get her to notice, but I don’t know what. I can’t drive down there in this state – I’d be done for drink driving. Maybe I should borrow one of Frank’s horses and gallop down there like Dick Turpin or something.’
‘I don’t think Frank or his horse would thank you for that. Besides, everyone knows Dick Turpin was a twat.’
Spencer laughed. Jasmine always made him feel better. ‘So what should I do?’
‘Try one more time. If she doesn’t pick up, leave her a message, and tell her everything you’ve told me tonight about how you feel, how scared you were and how you want to make things right. Be straight and honest with her and that’s all you can do. If she still doesn’t want to know, that makes her a fool in my book, but I think she will listen. She must know that you’re a good man who made a mistake, and you will make more mistakes in the future, as she will. Forgiving those mistakes and getting past them is what marriage is about.’
‘Like you and Rich?’
‘Yeah, like me and Rich.’ She stood up. ‘Speaking of which, I’d better go in and stop him from eating too much pudding, or he’ll spend the evening rolling around in agony clutching his stomach. That’s one of the other things that marriage is about.’ She gave Spencer a quick hug. ‘I’m so glad we had this chat.’
‘Me too,’ he smiled.
‘You’re going to call her now?’
‘Yes. One more try.’
Jasmine nodded and then headed back inside. Spencer pulled his mobile from his pocket and took a deep breath, thinking about everything he needed to say. But his mind was blank. He dialled the number anyway. If he didn’t do it now, he would lose all the courage Jasmine had given him. He just hoped that once he got through, the right words would come. But the phone went straight through to voicemail again. At the tone he began to speak:
‘Tori… you’re probably going to delete this message as soon as you hear my voice, but I’m going to leave it anyway. I need to say this…
‘I love you. I’ve loved you since the first moment we met over bitter coffee in the school staff room. I’ve behaved like an idiot these past few days and there’s no excuse. I should have put your love above everything else. I should have told you that I will do anything to spend the rest of my life with you – change my name, shave my hair off, disown my parents, move to Boulder, move to Mars… as long as I’m with you. But I was scared. I’d asked you to marry me and I was suddenly terrified that I wasn’t good enough for you, that I’d disappoint you and you’d wish you’d never met me. And it made me do things I shouldn’t have done. I’m still scared about that, but I’m even more scared of a future without you in it. So I want you to know that I will do anything for you, if you just give me a chance to show you that I love you enough to face that fear, and I’ll do anything to be the best husband, to give you the life you deserve—’
There was a beep to signal that he’d run out of message space. Spencer stared at the phone. He could call back and begin again, but what was the point? He’s spoken from his heart, and he’d laid bare everything in it, and if she didn’t come to him now then she never would and he would have to learn to live with that.
Jasmine looked up as he returned to the table. They exchanged a look of special understanding. It was strange, but though he hadn’t been able to talk to Tori, he felt lighter for leaving the message, the burden of the words he had needed to say somehow lifted now that they were out. All he could do now was wait and hope.
Christmas evening in the Dog and Hare was something of a Honeybourne tradition and almost everyone always went, even the teetotallers. Like the carol service, it was an excuse for the village to come together, to exchange stories of the past, problems of the present and hopes for the future, to remember old friends who had gone before and appreciate those who still remained, and most importantly, it was a party where everyone was invited, no matter who they were or what their neighbours thought of them the rest of the year. It was a night of peace and goodwill to all men (and women) and everyone was welcome. Doug may have been in his wheelchair and Colleen frazzled from looking after him and the pub, but that didn’t seem to be a reason for them to cancel what was the most eagerly anticipated night of the year. In fact, Colleen had insisted that everyone’s first drink was on the house, as a thank you for the support they had shown since Doug’s accident.
Spencer looked on
from the bar as everyone began to arrive, Colleen at the other end wiping it down. Millie’s dinner guests were already in, having walked together as a party, with the exception of Darcie who had been adamant that she was happy to stay at home and babysit Oscar so Millie could go. Dylan had given her a grateful nod and Spencer couldn’t help but wonder if there was some big secret between them, but perhaps it was better not to ask. Everyone had their secrets, after all.
‘Need a hand?’ Lewis asked as Spencer set a gin and tonic in front of Amy Parsons, who had just arrived.
‘I’m good, Dad. If things get too busy behind here I’ll give you a shout. I think being busy will be good for me anyway – help to take my mind off things.’
‘I think you’re coping with this in a very mature way,’ Lewis replied. ‘I just wanted you to know that.’
The comment wasn’t exactly helpful, and it wasn’t going to bring Tori back, but Spencer gave his dad a tight smile. ‘Thanks, Dad. There’s no point in moping, though, is there. I don’t have a lot of choice but to get on with things.’
‘Not everyone would say that.’
Spencer gave a short nod, and then turned his attention to Ruth as she waddled over to the bar. ‘What can I get you?’
‘Apart from a young stud of a man to keep me warm tonight?’ Ruth said with a worryingly tipsy grin.
‘We’re fresh out of those,’ Spencer replied with a patient smile.
‘Well, you’re free now, aren’t you?’ she asked.
Spencer heard the sharp breath of his dad, but he turned to him with an expression that said he was ok with it. Ruth was just being Ruth, and she had a habit of blurting out the first thing that came into her head, no matter how ill-advised, and especially when she was a bit drunk. As she’d been knocking the spirits back all day, it was hardly a surprise that tactless comments were falling out of her mouth with more regularity than her rickety old false teeth as she chewed on a bag of Doug’s pork scratchings. She didn’t mean any harm, though, and everyone who knew her well knew that.
Christmas at the Little Village Bakery Page 27
