The Substitute

by W. W. Jacobs

'And not so much about mymissis! D'ye hear? Wot's it got to do with you? Who asked you to shoveyour oar in?'

  "'You're quite mistook,' I ses, very calm. 'I'd no idea that there wasanything on as shouldn't be. I was never more surprised in my life. Ifanybody 'ad told me, I shouldn't 'ave believed 'em. I couldn't. Knowingyou, and knowing 'ow respectable you 'ave always purtended to be, andalso and likewise that you ain't no chicken----'

  "I thought 'e was going to 'ave a fit. He 'opped about, waving his armsand stuttering and going on in such a silly way that I didn't like to beseen with 'im. Twice he knocked my 'at off, and arter telling him wotwould 'appen if 'e did it agin, I walked off and left him.

  "Even then 'e wasn't satisfied, and arter coming on to the wharf andfollowing me up and down like a little dog, he got in front of me andtold me some more things he 'ad thought of.

  "'If I catch you spying on me agin,' he ses, 'you'll wish you'd neverbeen born!'

  "'You get aboard and 'ave a quiet sleep,' I ses. 'You're wandering inyour mind.'

  "'The lady you saw me with,' he ses, looking at me very fierce, 'is afriend o' mine that I meet sometimes for the sake of her talk.'

  "'Talk!' I ses, staring at 'im. 'Talk! Wot, can't one woman talk enoughfor you? Is your missis dumb? or wot?'

  "'You don't understand,' he ses, cocking up 'is nose at me. 'She's ainterleckshal woman; full of eddication and information. When my missistalks, she talks about the price o' things and says she must 'ave moremoney. Or else she talks about things I've done, or sometimes things I'aven't done. It's all one to her. There's no pleasure in that sort o'talk. It don't help a man.'

  "'I never 'eard of any talk as did,' I ses.

  "'I don't suppose you did,' he ses, sneering-like. 'Now, to-night, fustof all, we talked about the House of Lords and whether it ought to beallowed; and arter that she gave me quite a little lecture on insecks.'

  "'It don't seem proper to me,' I ses. 'I 'ave spoke to my wife about 'emonce or twice, but I should no more think of talking about such things toa single lady----'

  "He began to jump about agin as if I'd bit 'im, and he 'ad so much to sayabout my 'ed and blocks of wood that I pretty near lost my temper. Ishould ha' lost it with some men, but 'e was a very stiff-built chap andas hard as nails.

  "'Beer's your trouble,' he ses, at last. 'Fust of all you put it down,and then it climbs up and soaks wot little brains you've got. Wot youwant is a kind friend to prevent you from getting it.'

  "I don't know wot it was, but I 'ad a sort of sinking feeling inside as'e spoke, and next evening, when I saw 'im walk to the end of the jettywith the office-boy and stand there talking to 'im with his 'and on hisshoulder, it came on worse than ever. And I put two and two togetherwhen the guv'nor came up to me next day, and, arter talking about 'dooty'and 'ow easy it was to get night-watchmen, mentioned in 'a off-'and sortof way that, if I left the wharf at all between six and six, I could stayaway altogether.

  "I didn't answer 'im a word. I might ha' told 'im that there was plentyof people arter me ready to give me double the money, but I knew he couldnever get anybody to do their dooty by the wharf like I 'ad done, so Ikept quiet. It's the way I treat my missis nowadays, and it pays; in theold days I used to waste my breath answering 'er back.

  "I wouldn't ha' minded so much if it 'adn't ha' been for that boy. Heused to pass me, as 'e went off of a evening, with a little sly smile on'is ugly little face, and sometimes when I was standing at the gate he'dgive a sniff or two and say that he could smell beer, and he supposed itcame from the Bear's Head.

  "It was about three weeks arter the guv'nor 'ad forgot 'imself, and I wasstanding by the gate one evening, when I saw a woman coming alongcarrying a big bag in her 'and. I 'adn't seen 'er afore, and when shestopped in front of me and smiled I was on my guard at once. I don'tsmile at other people, and I don't expect them to smile at me.

  "'At last!' she ses, setting down 'er bag and giving me another smile.'I thought I was never going to get 'ere."

  "I coughed and backed inside a little bit on to my own ground. I didn'twant to 'ave that little beast of a office-boy spreading tales about me.

  "'I've come up to 'ave a little fling,' she ses, smiling away harder thanever. 'My husband don't know I'm 'ere. He thinks I'm at 'ome.'

  "I think I went back pretty near three yards.

  "'I come up by train,' she ses, nodding.

  "'Yes,' I ses, very severe, 'and wot about going back by it?'

  "'Oh, I shall go back by ship,' she ses. 'Wot time do you expect theEastern Monarch up?'

  "'Well,' I ses, 'ardly knowing wot to make of 'er, 'she ought to be upthis tide; but there's no reckoning on wot an old washtub with a enginelike a sewing-machine inside 'er will do.'

  "'Oh, indeed!' she ses, leaving off smiling very sudden. 'Oh, indeed!My husband might 'ave something to say about that.'

  "'Your 'usband?' I ses.

  "'Captain Pratt,' she ses, drawing 'erself up. 'I'm Mrs. Pratt. He leftyesterday morning, and I've come up 'ere by train to give 'im a littlesurprise.'

  "You might ha' knocked me down with a feather, and I stood there staringat her with my mouth open, trying to think.

  "'Take care,' I ses at last. 'Take care as you don't give 'im too muchof a surprise!'

  "'Wot do you mean?' she ses, firing up.

  "'Nothing,' I ses. 'Nothing, only I've known 'usbands in my time asdidn't like being surprised--that's all. If you take my advice, you'llgo straight back home agin.'

  "'I'll tell 'im wot you say,' she ses, 'as soon as 'is ship comes in.'

  "That's a woman all over; the moment they get into a temper they want tohurt somebody; and I made up my mind at once that, if anybody was goingto be 'urt, it wasn't me. And, besides, I thought it might be for theskipper's good--in the long run.

  "I broke it to her as gentle as I could. I didn't tell 'er much, I justgave her a few 'ints. Just enough to make her ask for more.

  "'And mind,' I ses, 'I don't want to be brought into it. If you should'appen to take a fancy into your 'ed to wait behind a pile of emptiestill the ship comes in, and then slip out and foller your 'usband andgive 'im the little surprise you spoke of, it's nothing to do with me.'

  "'I understand,' she ses, biting her lip. 'There's no need for 'im toknow that I've been on the wharf at all.'

  "I gave 'er a smile--I thought she deserved it--but she didn't smileback. She was rather a nice-looking woman in the ordinary way, but Icould easy see 'ow temper spoils a woman's looks. She stood there givinglittle shivers and looking as if she wanted to bite somebody.

  "'I'll go and hide now,' she ses.

  "'Not yet,' I ses. 'You'll 'ave to wait till that little blackbeetle inthe office 'as gorn.' 'Blackbeetle?' she ses, staring.

  "'Office-boy,' I ses. 'He'd better not see you at all. S'pose you gooff for a bit and come back when I whistle?'

  "Afore she could answer the boy came out of the office, ready to go 'ome.He gave a little bit of a start when 'e saw me talking to a lady, andthen 'e nips down sudden, about a couple o' yards away, and begins to do'is bootlace up. It took 'im some time, because he 'ad to undo it fust,but 'e finished it at last, and arter a quick look at Mrs. Pratt, and oneat me that I could ha' smacked his 'ed for, 'e went off whistling andshowing 'is little cuffs.

  "I stepped out into the road and watched 'im out o' sight. Then I toldMrs. Pratt to pick up 'er bag and foller me.

  "As it 'appened there was a big pile of empties in the corner of theware'ouse wall, just opposite the Eastern Monarch's berth. It might ha'been made for the job, and, arter I 'ad tucked her away behind and given'er a box to sit on, I picked up my broom and began to