by David Horne
Ming looked startled, though her eyes were kind as she looked at her husband and then back to Alex. “If he chooses not to stay with you?”
It would hurt. Alex clenched his hands into fists, straining the pockets of his pants. He sighed. “It would hurt, but I wouldn’t pester him. I’ll respect what he wants, but I have to try.”
There was a long-drawn silence, broken only by the sound of the bell on the door. A man and a little girl came into the store, the little girl chatting happily about all the pastries she wants to buy.
Ming drew closer to serve the customer, and Tao approached Alex, looking a little lost. He said something in Cantonese that Alex didn’t understand and then, “He is very hurt.”
“I know,” Alex said gently, keeping his tone low. As much as he was grateful to Harry’s parents for listening to him, he didn’t want to disturb their business with his problems.
Tao sighed. “He is at home.”
Alex felt a rush of relief and barely managed to restrain himself from clutching at Tao and hugging him. “Thank you,” he said slowly, containing himself. “I just want your son to be happy.”
“Hopefully with you,” Tao said, smiling.
Alex hardly dared hope for that. “If he wants me.”
“Good luck,” Ming said, as she passed change over the counter.
“Thank you,” Alex said, seriously, and gave them a tight wave as he jogged out of the door, barely avoiding crashing into the man and the little girl. “Sorry!”
Out on the sidewalk, Alex abandoned his car, deciding that the walk would work best. It was a good forty minutes, but the fresh air would be helpful, and he could fight the panic already rising in his belly.
It was a terrifying thing to have to do, confessing to being a monumental idiot, and while on the outside it might not have seemed like such a major thing, Alex had been lying their entire relationship. He wasn’t sure that, were their positions reversed, he would be able to see Harry.
As he walked, he pulled out his phone, texting the family chat that he was on his way to fight for his boyfriend. Almost immediately he got replies:
Go for it! from Jason,
LET ME KNOW IF HE KISSES YOU from Bella, and
Good luck, darling from his mother.
Sara didn’t reply in the family chat, sending him a private message instead. Standing up for yourself?
Alex’s lips quirked. He hadn’t spoken to Sara since hanging up on her in his apartment the day after the Incident. Which was a ridiculous way to think about it, but whatever. I’m sorry, he typed. I was mad at myself, not you. If I want something, I have to fight for it.
That sounds like your mother.
Alex rolled his eyes, calling her instead.
“It was your mom, wasn’t it?” Sara said, as soon as she answered.
“We talked.” Alex slid his other hand into his pocket, neatly sidestepping a couple running down the sidewalk. “We cleared the air.”
Sara sucked in a breath. “She told you about Milo.”
Alex pushed down the anger. “Yeah. I’m sorry you had to keep that secret.”
“It’s all right.” It wasn’t, Alex could tell from her tone. Sara effectively steered them away from the topic. “Fighting for Harry is a big move.”
Alex grinned, thinking of something she’d said to him a long time ago. Who knew that his best friend gave such sage advice? “Someone once told me that loving someone made the stakes higher. That I should fight for what I love if I wanted to make it work.”
“It’ll be the best thing you ever have,” Sara finished, laugh a little watery. She sniffed a little and then managed to get control of herself. “I’m proud of you, Alex.”
Shaking his head, Alex moved the phone to his other hand, turning the corner and seeing Harry’s apartment block at the other end of the street. “Don’t be. I messed everything up.”
Sara sighed. “You’re making it right, Alex. That takes strength.”
Alex hoped that she was right. He didn’t feel particularly strong right now, but then he didn’t really know what he felt. Sad, angry, hopeful, and terrified, certainly. “God, what if I mess this up?”
“If you keep overthinking it you will,” Sara told him. “Be honest. Tell him how you really feel. He might not forgive you, but you’ll have tried.”
“Thank you,” Alex said sincerely, “for everything.”
“Shut up,” Sara said quickly, and Alex laughed quickly. “Go apologize to your boyfriend.”
Alex hung up the phone, standing awkwardly outside of Harry’s apartment block. Sara had called him strong, and Sara had never lied to him. Alex had found the strength to date Harry in the first place, hadn’t he? They’d had sex and he’d told Harry that he loved him. All that was left was to apologize, to hope Harry would listen to him, and to leave the decision in Harry’s hands.
Approaching the bell panel, Alex’s hand hovered over Harry’s apartment number, biting his lip as he pressed it harder than he meant to.
There was a crackle through the speaker. “Hello?”
“It’s me,” Alex said. “Please don’t hang up.”
Harry didn’t say anything, but he didn’t put the phone down either.
“I know you probably don’t want to see me right now,” Alex started, words tumbling out quickly in an effort to say them before Harry came to his senses and refused him entry. “I wanted to explain. You deserve that much, and it wasn’t something I could do over the phone.”
Another pause. Then, slowly, the door clicked open.
“Thank you,” Alex said, tugging open the door.
The lobby and elevator were both empty, though there was a slew of empty snack and candy wrappers littering the mailboxes. The elevator had been freshly cleaned. Alex could see the smears of cleaner on the mirror. He hit the button for Harry’s floor, leaning back against the glass. He was probably smudging it all up again, but he couldn’t stop fidgeting. Nervous energy felt like it was full to the brim, ready to spill over at any second.
“Calm the fuck down,” he snapped, just as the elevator shuddered to a stop, making Alex stumble a little as he pushed off the wall.
Harry’s floor had been quiet the couple of times Alex had been there, and today was no exception. The number of his apartment was half hanging off, it needed to be nailed back on, and Alex pushed it up into the right position, watching it fall slowly.
Alex knocked gently.
There was the sound of a bark from inside the apartment, and then Harry’s voice telling her to shut up. The door was tugged open slowly, and then Harry’s face appeared around it. He looked worse than Alex thought he would; his hair hadn’t been touched. His eyes were red and puffy, and he was wearing a hoodie that pretty much drowned his frame.
If Alex hadn’t already been feeling like a dick, he certainly was now. “Sorry.”
“So you’ve said.” Harry’s voice was raw like he’d been screaming or crying too long.
Though he didn’t like the idea of having this conversation in the hall, Alex refused to pressure Harry into letting him inside his apartment.
“I should have told my parents about you,” Alex said, wanting to drop his eyes, but owing Harry more than that. Holding eye contact, watching Harry’s throat bob, Alex dug his nails into the palm of his hand.
“I told you that I would never put my parents above you,” Harry told him. He dropped his eyes to the floor. “You put yours above me.”
It was on the tip of Alex’s tongue to say I didn’t, but if that was how it looked to Harry, how could he refute it?
“That wasn’t my intention,” Alex said, trying to stay as honest as he could if he had any hope of winning Harry back. “I was so damned scared that they would drive you away,” he continued, as he saw Harry’s eyes raise, his mouth open, “which I know doesn’t respect you or my parents’ and your decisions, but I wasn’t thinking straight. I’ve never – I’m not trying to blame it on the fact that I’ve never had a boyfriend
, but it’s a huge part of where my head is. I’m so terrified of doing something wrong, of messing up, that it went wrong because the longer I left it, the harder it was to fix.”
“You could have told me at any time,” Harry snapped, the anger filtering into his tone, and Alex accepted it readily, knew he deserved it. “I loved you.”
The past tense hurt, but Alex would let it show later when he was alone. Harry didn’t need him faltering now. “I love you,” Alex said, closing his eyes for a moment so that he didn’t have to see Harry’s expression. When he opened them, he unfurled his hands and wrapped one around his elbow. “I love you and I will love you. I understand that you’re angry and you have every right to be, but I just want you to know that it wasn’t because I wanted to keep you a secret. I was so desperate not to lose you that I drove you away instead.”
Harry said nothing, but he was still looking at Alex and not shutting the door in his face, so Alex took it as a win.
“I just wanted to let you know that I told my Mom everything. I told her what I did, and how much I loved you. I told her that I needed her to love you too because it was important to me. I told her that I needed her to respect my choice.”
“Why couldn’t you have done this sooner?” Harry said, sounding tired, exhausted in mind and body.
“I don’t know,” Alex said honestly. “I wish I had. You have no idea how much I wish I had.”
Silence fell over the two of them, Harry shifting from one foot to the other, and then leaning against the doorjamb. Alex rubbed the back of his head and sighed.
“That’s all I wanted to say. To apologize. I hope,” he started, voice faltering. “I hope you find someone who makes you as happy as I wish I could have. You deserve better than me.”
It was difficult to say, even more difficult to watch the way Harry’s expression didn’t change, to watch him stare at Alex in anger and sadness, though Alex wished he wouldn’t be sad. Angry yes, but he deserved better than being sad. It was a stupid thing to think, considering Harry’s feelings as well as his own; they had both loved one another.
“Bye, Harry,” Alex said. It felt like the words were being wrenched from him, leaving his chest hollow. God, he had really fucked this up, hadn’t he?
Harry said nothing as Alex turned back toward the elevator. He said nothing as Alex pushed the button. He said nothing as Alex stepped inside, turning back to give him one last look. He met Alex’s eyes, and there was a flash of something, he was opening his mouth –— the elevator door closed. Alex leaned his head against it, letting one, vicious sob work its way out of his mouth. He was reaching blindly for the elevator buttons, hitting one randomly, not even caring which floor he ended up on.
Chapter Sixteen
Family dinner had rolled around again.
Alex had been working as long as he could and then crawling home to his empty apartment. He had put off meeting up with Sara, with Bella, with anybody. They had been texting him, asking after him, and he tried to tell them the truth. He wanted to admit that he was lonely, that he missed Harry, that not hearing from Harry was possibly the worst thing he had ever had to endure, but he couldn’t make himself. He had caused everyone enough grief.
Still, the Saturday night before he was due at his parents’, where he knew the awkwardness and tension would continue, Sara showed up on his doorstep, a bottle of wine in one hand, pizza in the other.
“You better not have eaten yet,” she said, barreling past Alex and heading straight for the kitchen. “This pizza is actually still warm.”
“A miracle,” Alex agreed, though his bewilderment at seeing Sara quickly morphed into irritation. “You couldn’t call ahead?”
“I tried,” Sara told him, shaking her head. “For some reason, you’ve been avoiding everyone’s calls.”
Alex shrugged, dropping down onto the couch. If Sara wanted to invite herself over, she could just deal with him moping. Scratch what he thought earlier, he wasn’t to blame if she would willingly subject herself to his mood.
There was the clatter of plates in the kitchen and Alex rolled his head to see Sara dividing up the pizza, cheese dangling from the slices. His stomach rumbled at the sight and he sighed, giving in to the urge to eat.
Sara gave him the once over, tutting. “You look like you haven’t eaten in months.”
“It’s been a couple of days.” Alex waved her off but took the plate she held out eagerly. “Thanks. Mom.”
For his tacked-on dig, he earned himself a reproachful look. “If you have to have someone baby you, Alex, so be it.”
“I don’t need that,” Alex snapped around a mouthful of pizza. At Sara’s raised eyebrow, he sighed, chewing slowly and swallowing. “When you and Jason broke up that one terrible summer, I was there for you.”
“Yeah,” Sara agreed, rolling up a slice of pizza and biting the end of it. “Hence the pizza and the wine. If you want a shoulder to cry on, you should have come clean months ago.”
Alex didn’t want to go there again, so he left it alone.
Sara pointed at him with the hand currently holding her pizza roll. “Progress,” she said, licking sauce off her lip. “You would have had a go at me before.”
“I still might.” Alex picked at a piece of pepperoni. “I didn't think, honestly, that he was going to take me back. I must have been hoping, though, because it still hurts that he hasn’t called.”
Sympathetic, Sara squeezed his knee with her free hand, balancing her plate on her knees. “I’m sorry it didn’t work out. I know you loved him.”
“Yeah, well,” Alex said, pretending that he wasn’t dying on the inside. “First loves don’t always last, do they?”
“No,” Sara said, with a wry smile. She took another bite of pizza and screwed her face up. “I don’t even remember what mine was called.”
Alex snorted, digging into another slice of pizza. “Liar.”
Sara’s eyes twinkled with mischief, and throughout the evening she did what Alex hadn’t been able to do; she pulled him out of his funk and made him laugh. By the time they’d managed to get through her wine and a bottle of Alex’s, he felt lighter than he had since he’d screwed up, and Sara was making noises about texting a cab to come and pick her up.
“I could always stay,” she said, peering up at Alex from the length of the couch. Alex was leaning over the back, a dish towel in his hand. She had consumed more alcohol than he had. “We could drive together tomorrow.”
“Jason would kill me,” Alex said. “Besides, I need to get over myself before I can face my family.”
Sara shifted her head, looking at him from an angle. “Sure?”
“Yeah.” Alex rested a hand on the top of her head, stroking her hair once before pulling away. “Thanks, though.”
“What are best friends for?”
What indeed, Alex thought.
Tumbling Sara into a cab and watching it drive off around the corner, Alex stood in the doorway of his apartment, staring at his overnight bag propped up next to the couch. How many times could you tell yourself to grow some balls before you actually did?
Clearly not enough, he told himself the next morning, sat in the driver seat but not actually starting the car. It was just one family dinner. Sure, it was after he’d been a complete and utter fool, but whatever.
By the time Alex finally made it to Manhattan, he was cutting it as fine as he had the first time, and he cursed, having to park down the street from his parents’ house.
The door was open as he arrived, and his dad was waiting, back to the doorjamb, arms folded.
Alex bit back a curse. “Dad.”
Luke turned to him, and Alex was startled when he pulled him into a hug. Alex stuttered something that might have been, “Dad,” but he wasn’t sure. When he pulled back, his dad gave him a slap to the upper arm. “Next time you have a problem with something we’re doing, you talk to me, you hear?”
“Yeah,” Alex said, the word sounding strangled. “Sorry.”
>
The word was starting to lose all meaning with the amount of time he had said it.
Grabbing Alex by the shoulder, Luke tugged him toward the house. “I’m sorry about Harry, son.”
“Yeah,” Alex said stupidly. Was that the only thing he could say? Idiot. “So am I.”
Taking a deep breath as they crossed the threshold to the house, Alex prepared himself for the rest of the family. He hadn’t spoken to Bella about that night at the airport. He should have done more to convince her that she wasn’t at fault, but he was so angry.
“Is everyone here?”
“Yeah,” Luke said, shutting the door one-handed. “You’re the last.”
Alex kicked off his sneakers, dropping his bag in the hall by the stairs. “This should be fun,” he muttered.
His dad snorted and patted his back as he passed. “You made your bed, son.”
It echoed something Sara had told him by these stairs not a few weeks ago. As if Alex wasn’t trying to lie in it. Alone.
The door to the living room was open and Alex could hear voices filtering through it. He could pick out Sara and Bella, but the others were too muffled. Biting the bullet, he slid his hands in his pockets in an effort to be as nonchalant as possible – as if – and poked his head around the doorway – and froze.
Harry was sitting on the couch in his parents’ living room, between Bella and Jason, and cradling a mug of coffee. Sara and Luke were nowhere to be seen.
“Harry,” he said, heart hammering in his chest.
Harry met Alex’s eyes slowly and froze, though there was a smile on his face.
“Right,” Bella said, patting Harry’s hand. “I should help Mom in the kitchen.”
She tugged Jason up and the two of them disappeared in the direction of the dining room.
“Hey,” Harry said, quietly, holding the mug like a lifeline.
Alex had no idea what was going on. Why was Harry here? “I don’t – are you -?”
The smile on Harry’s face shifted into relief and he shrugged, looking down into his mug. “Bella came to see me last night.”
