by David Horne
Pretty soon he was going to have to face down Bella and his mother, and there wasn’t anything he wanted to do less. He could just leave, he realized, though his mother would already be waiting. He didn’t think he could face anyone right now. He desperately wanted to speak to Harry, to apologize and explain, but he wasn’t brave enough to do anything except go home and pretend that he didn’t exist for a couple of hours.
Facing down his mother was preferable to anything Harry related, so he grabbed his bag, took a deep breath, and went to meet them.
“I’m so sorry,” Bella said, as soon as she saw him.
Alex darted out of the hug she tried to give him and couldn’t even work up the energy to feel guilty about her hurt expression.
“Alex,” his mother started, holding out a hand.
“Just take me home,” Alex said, not caring that he was being rude, not even caring that she had come to pick him up for a reason.
Aris gave him a look, raising her eyebrows. “I came for a reason – “
“I don’t care,” Alex said, drowning in the rush of emotions currently raging in his head and chest. His eyes were stinging, and he could feel his throat thicken. “I want to go home now. I’ll get a cab if I have to.”
Alex didn’t know what he looked like, could only imagine the red-rimmed eyes, the drawn expression, and even he could see his hands shaking. His mother seemed to realize what was happening, and immediately tried stepping toward him, to comfort him, but Alex stepped away.
“Please,” he said, choking on the words. “Take me home.”
Bella was standing aside this whole time, hands curled around her phone which was clutched to her chest. Her eyes were wide, and she looked sad. “Alex, I am sorry.”
“I know.” He didn’t want to absolve her of this, not right now. Without waiting for either of them to say anything else, Alex pushed between them, heading for the exit. “Where are you parked?”
Alex climbed into the back of the car, phone tucked protectively in his hand, desperate to message Harry. What could he possibly say to make up for this? He had told himself time and again that he should have just told Harry the truth—Hadn’t Harry always called him honest?—but the consequences of lying hadn’t seemed so terrible.
Bella was sitting up front with his mother, and as they pulled out of the parking lot and onto the freeway, he would catch her looking around, bottom lip between her teeth, fists clenched in her lap.
“Say what you wanna say,” Alex said, keeping his eyes on the rush of the traffic outside the window. “I don’t care anymore.”
Aris sat a little straighter in her seat, but Alex gave her no attention; his mother would find out soon anyway, so he might as well rip the band-aid off quickly. Ultimately, it would hurt less.
Bella shifted a little, tugging on her seat belt to give her room. “I’m sorry. I use my social media, Alex, you know I do. I didn’t know he was supposed to be picking you up.”
It wasn’t an argument that Alex could even refute. The anger churning in his stomach was mostly directed toward himself. “I asked him to meet me when I saw him Monday night.”
“The night you were out with friends?” His mother said, meeting his eyes in the rear-view mirror. “Isn’t that what you said?”
Mouth shutting on whatever she might have said, Bella slunk down in her seat, sending Alex an imploring look. He sighed, hoping he had worn a hoodie big enough to hide his face, but no such luck.
“Not friends,” Alex said. Lying again. Always fucking lying and he had only wanted to protect himself. “A guy. I was meeting someone.”
“Not just someone,” Bella added, unhelpfully.
Alex glared at her, but she refused to be contrite. She tilted her chin, narrowing her eyes as if daring him to refute it.
“A boyfriend?” his mother asked, raising her eyebrows.
“Yes,” Alex said, his heart doing somersaults as he met her eyes. Why was this so difficult? “He’s…was…my boyfriend.”
“Was?” Bella squeaked, eyes wide. “Alex, I didn’t—”
“It’s not you,” Alex said, knowing it was true as he spoke. He rubbed a hand over his eyes, unable to look at his mother or sister, and swallowed down the tears for what felt the hundredth time. “I didn’t want you, Mom, to meet him. Or Dad. I wanted to keep him a secret and I did, for so long.”
Alex forced himself to stop, knowing if he kept going, it would all tumble out and he’d start crying in the backseat of his mom’s car.
“Why?” Aris asked, and Alex could tell that she was hurt.
Alex snorted. “Why do you think? You’d have asked him what he did, found out he works at his parents’ bakery and wants to run it someday, and told me he wasn’t good enough for me.”
“Is that what you think of me? Of your father?”
Making eye contact with his mother, finally, Alex could see how hurt she was.
“Isn’t that the way it would be? You didn’t think Sara was good enough for Jason. You don’t think Milo is good enough for Bella. You’re always telling me I need to find a successful man and settle down – someone who would appreciate and match my work ethic.”
Aris pressed her lips together in a thin line and she didn’t say anything. Alex wasn’t sure whether he wanted her to break the silence or not. Bella had turned back around, staring out of the passenger window, and now the tension in the car was thick and obvious.
“I just wanted to be happy,” Alex said, closing his eyes and tipping his head back against the seat. “I just wanted to love Harry in peace and let everything work out. Instead, I got so wrapped up in what I couldn’t do, who we couldn’t tell, that I forgot I should be shouting about him from the rooftops.”
Nobody said anything else, and the tension remained all the way to Alex’s apartment. By the time they arrived, Alex all but ran out of the car, grabbing his bags, not even bidding goodbye to his mother or sister. Neither of them chased after him, so perhaps he’d really found himself alone after all, but he ignored the crushing guilt and sadness and shut his apartment door, sliding down it.
Burying his face in his hands, Alex gave in to the urge to cry, sobs that wracked his body, hands that shook as he tried to regain control of his breathing.
What had he done?
Chapter Fourteen
Alex woke up the next morning, immediately burying his face in the pillow and fighting off another bout of tears. This was stupid. His heart shouldn’t still be hurting so much, he shouldn’t be so scared of getting out of bed and facing the day.
Hand curling into a fist beneath his pillow, Alex’s body curled into the fetal position, his free hand tucked against his stomach.
He had left his phone in the living room the night before and had no compunction to get up and grab it. He’d occasionally heard it going off the night before and while Alex wouldn’t usually count himself as a coward, he didn’t particularly want to face the texts.
Part of him was desperate to text Harry, to talk to him, and that thought was almost enough to make him get up and do something, but he didn’t. He swallowed thickly, heart pounding in his chest. He should shower. Eat something. Pretend his world wasn’t ending.
“Get up,” he told himself. “This is stupid.”
Eventually, annoyance with himself was too much and Alex rolled out of bed, still in his clothes from the day before. As he passed by the mirror in his bedroom, he could see his hair was matted up at the back, eyes red-rimmed and cheeks stained with tears. He couldn’t remember the last time he had been this upset about something, and that included his grandfather’s death.
Scrubbing at his face as he padded through to the kitchen, he caught sight of his phone on the floor by the door and he sighed, swiping it up. His fingers flexed around it as he turned the coffee maker on, resting his elbows on the counter as he went through his messages.
There were five messages in the family text chat – Alex could see notifications from his mother, Bella, and Sara. He
ignored them. There were three phone calls from his mother, a couple of texts from Bella when he hadn’t answered the family messages, and another message from Harry.
Ignoring me doesn’t make what you did right.
Alex bit the bullet, opening Harry’s message history.
I’m sorry. I love you. I was never ashamed of you, I just didn’t want my parents to find out about you.
Alex paused. There was no good way to say what he wanted to. He deleted the message and hit the call button. As predicted, Harry rerouted straight through to voicemail. Closing his eyes, Alex curled his free hand around the counter.
“I’m sorry,” he said, voice wrecked. “I shouldn’t have cared about their opinion, but I did. I will never forgive myself for hurting you. I don’t expect you to forgive me either. I just… I did love you, I don’t want you to think that I didn’t. Harry, I’m so fucking sorry.” Alex cut off, throat tight, choking on the need to start crying again. Fuck, when would he stop? “You deserve to be happy, you deserve someone who’s gonna put you first. I’m just sorry it wasn’t me.”
Hanging up, Alex curled his hand around his phone, resisting the urge to throw it. Anger curled tight in his breast. How could he have been so stupid?
His phone started vibrating in his hand, and Alex’s heart sunk when it wasn’t Harry’s number on the screen. It was Sara. Gritting his teeth, Alex swiped angrily at the answer button, getting it over with.
“What?”
“Hello to you too,” Sara said, tone hard. “What the hell is wrong with you?”
“Now?” Alex asked, with a self-deprecating laugh. “Or always?”
“Don’t play the fucking victim, Alex,” Sara snapped. “I told you. I told you to tell them!”
“What do you want from me?” Alex’s voice broke on the words, and he whirled around, fisting a hand in his hair. “How many times and to how many people can I say sorry? I’m sorry I can’t force myself to trust Mom and Dad not to run Harry away. I’m sorry I can’t turn back the clock and tell Harry why I was keeping him a secret. I’m sorry I made you, and Bella and Jason lie about him. I’m so fucking sorry that the person I love can’t even stand to talk to me anymore!”
Alex hung up, sliding the phone across the counter. He buried his hands in his hair, staring around his empty apartment, at all the places he had imagined Harry filling, Harry being.
“Fuck,” Alex shouted, kicking at one of the cupboards.
“You love him?”
Alex started, looking up at the doorway. His mother was standing in the doorway, Bella’s key in her hand. She wasn’t wearing any makeup, eyes dark, like she hadn’t slept all night. Anger pulsed in Alex’s head, but he let it dissipate, so tired of figuring out what emotions he really wanted to focus on.
“I’m sorry,” he said, staring down at the counter. “I was so scared you wouldn’t like him the way I love him and I didn’t want to lose him. Instead, I drove him away. Oh God, Mom, I love him.”
Aris crossed the room quickly, drawing Alex into her arms. Alex hunched down, burying his face in her neck and sobbing until he couldn’t cry anymore. Aris cradled his head, shushing him gently, pressing a kiss to his temple.
Pliant under his mother’s hands, Alex let her guide him to the couch. He dropped down, sitting on the edge, fisting his hair in his hands. His mother stayed close, resting a hand on his back, rubbing gently.
“I need to say something,” Aris said, holding up a finger when he started to talk, “and I need you to keep listening to the end, all right?”
Alex’s brow furrowed as he frowned, but he nodded quickly. He wasn’t even sure what he wanted to say, what he could say.
Aris propped her chin on her hand, elbow balanced on her knee. She gave him a sad smile. “I’m sorry if you thought your father and I would ever drive someone away from you. We’ve somehow given you that impression, and I couldn’t sleep last night worrying about everything I might have said, or done, to give you that impression.”
Guilt and distress warred in Alex’s chest, but he shoved them down, swallowing whatever words he could have said at that.
“I love you, Alexander,” Aris tapped his chin, pressing her forehead to his temple briefly. “I want you to be happy more than I want anyone you choose to love to be rich and successful. As long as they love you and cherish you? That’s all any mother can ask for.”
“But Sara,” Alex started, meeting her eyes slowly. “The way you treat Milo…”
“Milo,” His mother said, mouth twisting around the name. She sighed, heavy, and dropped the hand from his back, resting it on his knee instead. “We should have told you about Milo a long time ago, but there never seemed to be the time. Bella isn’t safe around Milo.”
“Why?” Alex didn’t think there was anything wrong with him. He didn’t seem to be as into Bella as she was into him, but he had never believed there to be anything sinister about him.
“Sara came to us a couple of months ago,” his mother admitted. “She told us that she’d had to arrest Milo for assaulting a girl in a club. The charges were ultimately dropped, but when someone gets caught, it isn’t usually their first offense.”
Fuck. Alex curled his hands into fists, suddenly all the anger he’d been turning inward, was reserved for Milo. If Milo ever put his hands on Bella, Alex would kill him.
He was startled from his anger by his mother’s hands, cupping his. “Look at me.”
Alex looked up, startled at the vehemence he saw on her face.
“You are not to do anything to him. Do you understand me?”
“But Bella,” Alex started.
“Do you think,” his mother said, shaking his hands gently, “that your father didn’t want to find him and kill him? Do you think I am happy to let Bella continue to see him?”
“Why have you let her?” Alex asked, suddenly terrified that Bella was going to get hurt.
“If she thinks for one second that we have interfered in her love life, we will lose her.”
Pulling away from his mother, Alex pressed the heels of his palms into his eyes. It was true; Bella had never cared what their parents thought. If they told her what Milo was capable of, if they told her that she couldn’t see him again, she would do it just to defy them.
“Why haven’t you told her? This is something she deserves to know!”
Aris pulled back, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear. She didn’t meet Alex’s eyes, instead looking up at the ceiling. When she turned back to him, she looked sad, distressed. “We’ve left it too long.”
The answer startled Alex.
“We found out months ago. We had hoped that she would break up with him, she usually would have by now. They fight so much.” His mother looked tired, half of her face in shadow as she looked away from him. “By the time we realized she was serious about him, it was too late. If we tell her now, she’ll just make out that he’s changed, that he would never treat her like that. She forgives him for so much.”
Bella was adamant that Milo was the one for her; it was conceivable that his parents truly believed she would have left him, and he could see why they would hope before they had to interfere. He had misjudged his parents so badly, and he had let his misinformation lead his actions for so long.
“I’ve really screwed up,” he said, quietly. “I thought you just didn’t think he was good enough… and you’d think the same about Harry.”
His mother’s smile was kind and loving. “From the way you talk about him, from what Bella and Jason have told me, he sounds like he treated you well.”
“He did.” Alex’s chest hurt to think of Harry, but he couldn’t stop. The dates they had had, the kisses, Alex losing his virginity. Alex’s cheeks were warm. “I loved him, Mom, but I don’t think I can get him back.”
The change over his mother was instantaneous. Eyebrows raised and mouth downturned, she poked him in the chest. “Is that how we raised you? To give up?”
Alex bypassed his usual you didn�
��t raise us argument because they had been there so often. His mother’s eyes flickered like she knew what he was going to say, so he covered it by rolling his eyes. “What would you have me do?”
“You explain to him what is going on up here,” his mother said, tapping Alex’s temple. “You fight for him and you show him that despite everything, he is worth fighting for.”
“All right,” Alex agreed, though he felt anything but brave. The thought of letting Harry pass through his fingers, of losing him, wasn’t worth bearing. Perhaps Harry wouldn’t speak to him over the phone, but if Alex had been let down, if he had been lied to, the last thing he would want to do is talk over the phone.
Alex would have to go and find him.
Chapter Fifteen
Alex opened the door to the bakery, terrified. There was one customer at the counter, who was just passing money to Tao. Ming was already staring at him, her mouth downturned, and arms folded. As the woman pushed past Alex, muttering an apology, Alex shoved his hands in his pockets, trying desperately to meet – and hold – Ming’s gaze.
“I am so sorry,” he said immediately, swallowing past the lump in his throat. “I love Harry so much, and I know I’ve screwed up.”
Tao just stared at him, angry, but Ming slapped a hand on the counter.
“He will not tell us what happened.”
Alex owed Harry that explanation, but if he wanted to see Harry, he was going to have to get through to Harry’s parents. “I want to tell you,” he said, hoping that the shadow passing over Tao’s face wasn’t about to shut him down. “But I owe that explanation to Harry before I owe it to anybody else.”
Tao and Ming exchanged a glance.
“You loved our son,” Tao started.
“I do love your son,” Alex corrected, holding his chin high. “I know I should have been celebrating being with Harry, openly and publicly, and instead I tried to hide it because I was afraid. I should have stood my ground, protected Harry before I protected myself. I just want to explain so that he can make the decision.”
