When Life Gets in the Way

by Ines Vieira

  “You okay staying home tonight? I don’t know when I’ll be back. Before midnight at least, but I can't guarantee any sooner,” he says concerned.

  “Don't worry about it. You have fun. I’ll be okay.” I mess with his hair like he’s five and he slaps my hand off his head grinning.

  “You sure? You won't be able to make it to Jess’s tonight, you know that right?” this time his eyebrow is almost touching his scalp.

  “Yes, I know. Don’t worry. Next year” I tell him, and he understands the reference. I wink and walk him to the door. A sedan is already honking for him and I can't help but smile.

  Around eight, mom says that she is quite tired and decides to call it a day. She kisses my forehead and since I can’t remember, I feel that we are all going to be okay. I had been avoiding my phone all day, but now that I find myself alone, I see that I have fifteen missed calls and eight texts. Most of them are from Jess and Ronnie asking me when I was popping by. Jess’s last text was a little cruder, asking when I was thinking of making an appearance so she could have the red carpet out front for me. I will never hear the end of it next time I see her. There was only one text from Isaac. Thinking about you

  Damn him! It has been over twenty-four hours since we had seen each other and I was fine but one text from him and I feel I’m going through withdrawal.

  Damn him! I was better than fine, I had a great day and now here he is sending me a text that to my ears is not in line with our deal to maintain a platonic relationship.

  I went upstairs to check on mom. I opened her door and I could see that she was sound asleep. Okay, I could either stay here, binge on whatever was on Netflix or I could quickly go to Jess’s, say hi to everyone and leave within the hour. Jess would understand me not wanting to leave my mother alone on a holiday. I didn’t have to tell her that she was in bed asleep. That tidbit, I would keep to myself. I would try my best not to get too close to Isaac just so I could see if this being apart business could actually work for me. Even as I thought it through, I was already putting on my coat and scarf and getting into my car.

  Once I got there, there were people outside in the front lawn drinking and smoking while a bunch of kids decked in all kinds of winter gear were running after each other. It was just starting to snow, but no one seemed bothered. Jess’s porch was full of people, and once I got inside I saw why so many guests preferred to be outside. Jess’s living room was so crowded, that it took me a while to pinpoint her location. I quickly took off my coat as it felt like it was 90 degrees in there. Once Jess saw me, I heard her yell my name and wave to me. With great difficulty, I was able to reach her just in the back corner of the room.

  “You made it!” She says and hugs me. “You missed Ronnie though. She had to run over to Decker’s folks. I swear that those two seem like an old married couple.” She laughs and takes a big sip from her red cup. She seems a little too happy tonight.

  “Jess, are you drunk?” I smile. “If your dad finds out, you are so screwed!” She places her index finger on her mouth to silence me before I say another word.

  I think someone spiked dad’s punch!” She giggles. “But I’m not drunk don’t worry” She winks. “Just extremely happy that it's Thanksgiving!” She laughs. Jess hates Thanksgiving but she loves a full house, and I think I haven’t seen her house this full since her older sister got married two years ago.

  “Hey Alex, come here!” she yells right in my ear. Yep, definitely happy. After a long a couple of minutes, Alex finally reaches us. I don’t want to, but I scan the room for any sign of Isaac. As much as I hate to admit it, it would be best if I didn’t see him at all tonight. Distance was good, my eyes, however, didn’t get the memo and continued to skim the masses.

  “Yo!” Is the only thing Alex says before gulping down the remainder of liquid in his own red cup.

  “Was Tony able to find out who spiked the punch yet? This had better not have been one of your little pranks. My dad will be furious if he finds out it was one of you.” Jess says pointing her finger so close to Alex’s nose that I swear that red nail was close enough to poke his eye out.

  “Jesus, Jess! Chill, yeah? We didn’t do it. Come on, would we do something like that with our folks here? It’s a good thing that they are all drinking wine and beer, but I bet that sooner or later one of the old Tias are going to put two and two together. Look at them? They’re all buzzed!” Alex laughs pointing at three ladies that looked like they were in their sixties, sitting on the sofa laughing like they had just witnessed the funniest thing on earth.

  “Just make sure that none of the kids drink it, okay?”

  “Don’t worry, Isaac is on it. He told all of them that Tony had spat into it.” He snickers. “There is no way any of them will be getting close to that punch bowl. Not even on a dare! Trust me!” As Alex says his name, I see him from across the room entering the living room. His hair is a bit wet, probably from the snow. He runs his fingers through it and I can see those dark blonde curls straighten themselves out. He’s wearing his black Joy Division t-shirt and pair of jeans, and in his simplicity I see perfection. I’m doing it again. No. I’ve made up my mind and there will be no more indulgences of this nature.

  Then he sees me.

  There he goes again. Looking at me like I was the only one in the room. Why did he do that? What made him think he was entitled to do that? Didn’t he realize what a mess I was? Didn’t he get that the way he looked at me was not how I should be looked at by my so-called bestie? Not if we were serious about preserving our friendship. Why did he do this? Why did it matter? It mattered. I had to stop this. Whatever this was. I didn’t want it and I didn’t need it. I was screwed up enough to have his eyes tormenting me. Those starry eyes that made me daydream when I looked into them.

  «No!» I would not let this be encouraged. Then I lost all track of thought. He made his way next to me and I felt his hand graze mine. My heart stopped and I lost all hearing. I couldn’t keep up with what was being said. I couldn’t hear the music in the background; couldn’t hear a thing. Only felt his fingers softly touch mine. Surrounded by so many people and all I could hear was the thumping of my own heartbeat in my ears and the ache in my belly that was provoked by one simple gesture. That sweet brief tenderness that is also echoed in his eyes. «No!» I don’t want this. I can’t have this. I came to from my comatose state when I heard my name called out by a familiar voice. Jess was looking at me with a worried expression on her brows.

  “Cass, you ok?” I gained my composure and used my most reassuring tone.

  “Yes, of course. Just a touch of claustrophobia. Too many people breathing the same oxygen. I just need some air.”

  “You sure? It’s snowing out. You want me to go with you?”

  “No Jess. I promise everything is fine. Fresh air will do the trick.”

  “Don’t worry Jess, I’ll go with her. Promise that I’ll take good care of her. Have fun. It is a party after all.” Isaac said giving her his winning smile that would make anyone believe that his intentions were honorable. I knew better. I walked out of that crowded living room and made my way to the front of the room. I didn’t wait for my chaperone and headed to the front door but then I felt it again. His touch. Grabbing my upper arm and leading me to the stairs. The exact opposite of where I wanted to go.

  “What do you think you’re doing?” I said looking at him, outraged.

  “What do you mean what I’m doing? I’m helping you get some air. I’m taking you upstairs. No one is there and you can take a breather.” He looked at me with genuine concern. “If you go outside you’ll freeze and I’m sure that that won’t help if you’re feeling an asthma attack coming on.” He was concerned. I couldn’t tell him that my lack of oxygen had nothing to do with my poor malfunctioning lungs and more to do with his proximity. So I decided not to say anything and followed him up the stairs. When I realized exactly where he was leading me, I regretted not having stuck to my initial intention of not coming to this fuck
ing party. I should have never come. Not only was Nicky probably going to find out that I didn’t stay home with mom, but I was getting myself in a riskier situation.

  He opened the bedroom door with one hand while the other was still grabbing my arm as gently as possible. He led me in and closed the door behind him. He let me go and sat me on the bed. He went to one of the windows and opened it letting the cool winter air enter the room. I hadn’t realized how good that would actually feel. I got up and walked myself to the window breathing it all in. The cool air was offering exactly what I needed. I hadn’t realized exactly how much, until I felt the breeze on my face and I inhaled the crisp air, letting it fill my chest.

  He stood back and watched. He didn’t say anything until he saw me breathe easy again. I felt like myself again. Downstairs really had been too stuffy for me. Full of people and it was too loud to think but that wasn’t the reason I needed to escape. The real danger was here with me in this room.

  “How do you feel?” He said coming closer to me and closing that safe gap between us.

  “Better, thank you,” I said as I walked closer to the window, reluctantly not wanting to have this safe distance disappear.

  “Do you need me to get you something to drink? Water maybe?” He was still worried, so I decided to take him out of his misery.

  “I’m ok. It’s not an asthma attack. I just really needed this. Crowds in close quarters have this effect on me.” If I got any closer to the open window, I would get wet from the snow that was coming through it. However, I couldn’t complain, really. The drizzle that did come in felt great on my face and cooled previous sensations that persisted to travel my body.

  “So does this mean that you don’t mind these close quarters?” as he said it, he closed the remaining gap between us. I wasn’t feeling the cold air any longer. I was feeling his breath on me. All I could do was look up into his face and stare again into those eyes. Why did God feel it necessary to give him these eyes? Wasn’t the rest of the package enough to make me stupid? Did he really need to give him these eyes? Blue like summer’s day with the contrast of having the blinding stars all around that perfect blue sky. Breathtaking. Stupidly breathtaking. Looking into those eyes made me worry about what could happen next.

  “You’ve been avoiding me for a while now, Cass. Today I didn’t even get a text from you all day.” His tone comes out so melancholy and I can't help but feel guilty. “Why do you run? Do I scare you now?” Both his hands were now over mine. I continued to look up at that starry sky and had no words with which to reply.

  «Does he scare me? He scares the shit out of me!» With Isaac, I get lost and I can’t get lost. I need to control something in my life. My heart was my responsibility. His heart was my responsibility. I couldn’t let someone in at this time in my life when things were completely upside down. I needed Isaac with me to make sense of things. My family was out of control. Our friendship was the only thing that was working for me. I couldn’t tempt fate like that. It would be offering up too much. I had to get it together but my inner voice had one simple phrase repeating in a loop. «Just five more minutes. What harm can five more minutes do?» Plenty.

  “You’re always running. A guy can get offended and start thinking that you don’t like him anymore.” He smirked and offered that grin that made my spine shiver. Or was it the wind blowing in the room? He continued to grin as if he had read my thoughts and gave my hands back their freedom to close the window. “I think you’re better. At least, there is some color in your cheeks. That must be a good sign. You went absolutely white downstairs. Got me worried for a sec. But you sure look good to me now.”

  Isaac softly pushes a loose strand of hair behind my ear but this time, he doesn´t stop with this gesture as he usually does. I feel his thumb linger behind my ear and slowly move its way down my face and neck, then rest on my chin, lifting it to control where I looked at. To force me to look at that angelic face and loose myself in the arsenal that is his eyes. “You always look good to me,” he whispered. I saw a glimmer of the sun in that blue sky.

  He swallowed hard and I knew that these extra five minutes were going to be the end of me. He lowered his head expectantly and held onto my waist, maybe afraid that I would bolt out of that room as fast as I could. My mind did do just that. Ran far away, as fast as it could.

  My body, however, stayed very still waiting for this. Even though I wanted so much to resist it, I closed my eyes, flung my arms around his neck and held on for dear life. As I did this, I felt the urgency from his body pulling me to him and his lips were on me like a wave crashing over a reef. Over and over again, I felt the sensation of his lips wanting to explore everything they could as if he was being timed. As if he knew he wouldn’t get this opportunity again and the clock was ticking.

  His lips were sweet and strong, and I smelt an aroma of green apples coming from his hair. Intoxicating. I ran my fingers through that wild long hair and found myself pulling him closer to me but there was no space left and yet it felt that there was too much of it, distancing our two bodies. His mouth was on my face, my neck, my ear. My heart was now in my throat. Wherever he kissed me my heart was not far behind thumping rapidly.

  There was no sign of my mind as it had left the room screaming and running away before this happened. I prayed that it would make an appearance soon or I couldn’t be held responsible for not putting an end to this. I felt him grab my hips tighter and suddenly I felt his hands under my shirt, finding flesh. He moaned in my ear such a delicious sound that all my insides imploded. What was this?

  «Shut it down! »

  My mind apparently made the time to make an appearance after all. «Shut it down! You don’t have time for this! You don’t have this luxury! Stop it! »

  Very disgruntled, I made myself take my hands out of Isaac’s hair and put both hands on his chest and, reluctantly, pushing us apart. As I did this, I felt this hard rock chest with my hands. This was not a surprising factor. This rock solid chest had been crushing my very sensitive breasts; just two seconds ago. No, the surprising factor was that I felt Isaac’s heartbeat as fast as my own.

  He looked down at me, so surprised with this abrupt interruption, that I took a step back from him so that he could adapt. I also realized that I had barely said a word since we had come up. I made sure I was not flustered as I said what I wanted to.

  In my coolest and calmest voice, I said, “It’s late. I have to go.” I had been able to gain enough distance between us, that I got to the door before he could stop me.

  “What are you talking about?? You’ve been barely here an hour.” He sounded upset. Of course, he did. Even I was pissed. Why would I expect him to have a different reaction?

  “Stay! Damn it, Cass! Stay! You barely said a word to me all night! All day for that matter! What the hell, Cass?! Is this it? I kiss you and your first reaction is to bolt? Talk to me!”

  Yep, definitely pissed. But what could I say? I’m fucked up! My whole life is fucked up and I can’t have more distractions than the ones my family already provides. I have to keep my eye on the ball; otherwise, I’ll be stuck here forever. What can I say? I can’t tell him that the real reason is that I’m too scared to give in to these feelings. I’m scared that by letting me not be in control of this situation, then everything else will fall apart. Because I know that is exactly what will happen in the long run. If I give into this, then I will lose him sooner or later. But I can't tell him that. He thinks I’m just being practical. I don’t want him to think otherwise. So better to have him pissed at me than lose him. That right there. That’s what I didn’t want.

  So I did what I could, I grabbed the door handle and instead of leaving, I looked back just once more to see his face. Suddenly that bible passage of Lot’s wife turning to salt because she had to look back on Gomorra made sense to me now. You should never look back. But I did and there lay my ruin.

  When I looked back I saw him looking at me with a pleading heart. I saw the boy that I
couldn’t get out of my mind; look at me the way I had been feeling for more time than I cared to admit. He looked lost and by the expression on his face, it was my fault that he was this way. I couldn’t bear it. Again, that inner voice that was no good for me said:

  «Just five more minutes of happiness, just five more. »

  I loosened my grip on the door handle and made my way to him. This time, he didn’t touch me. He was as straight as a board and he closed his eyes, waiting for me. I still felt his anger on the surface of his skin. So this time, I was the one that ran my finger and thumb on the back of his ear. Tracing my finger on his neck and gently tugging his chin down so that he could look upon my hazel eyes. As I did this, I came closer to him and with my other free hand, grabbed his palm and took it to my lips. Immediately, he opened his eyes and stared at me.

  “Don’t run. Please. Don’t.” He whispered. I looked directly into the sun and kissed his lips softly. I held his gaze to mine.

  “Not tonight. No one will run tonight.”

  ISAAC

  I had tried. I had tried to stay away from her. I had tried with all my might to forget about our kiss but every time I saw her, it felt as if I was suffocating if I didn’t touch her. She had tried too. After that afternoon, we pretended that everything was the same. We pretended that we could just forget it all and get back to where we used to be. We did the same things that we always had. We laughed and talked like we always did, with only one small difference. We were never alone.

  I was so tired of pretending. Today had been hell. She had made no contact with me whatsoever. She didn’t drop by, she didn’t call and she didn’t text. Not a single word. I knew that she was trying to get some space. She was trying to build back that comfortable barrier that would preserve our friendship but after one whole day without her, all I wanted was to bulldoze those imaginary walls and plummet them to the ground.