The Nyte Patrol

by Alex P. Berg

Dawn exited, gave Tank a nod, and together they crept into the forest. I checked the clock. It was 3:15.

  Larry reached under the seat for his baby carrier and started strapping in.

  “So, how confident are we in Dawn and Tank’s ability to sneak through the grounds undetected?” I said.

  “Dawn’s? A hundred percent,” said Larry. “Tank? Maybe twenty. And that’s only because I enchanted his shoes to keep them quiet.”

  “I don’t think it’s his shoes she’s worried about,” said Bill.

  “You want to remind me why we decided to break into this place in the middle of the night?” I asked.

  Larry buckled a clasp. “The element of surprise, Lexie. We went over this.”

  “Yeah, but at the time I failed to recognize that the element of surprise doesn’t exist because Romanov is expecting us to deliver the tome.”

  “He’s not expecting us to drop by unannounced, he’s not,” said Larry. “He’s probably waiting by his phone, hoping we’ll call.”

  “Not to mention everyone here is certainly on edge after our dubstep orgy battle.”

  “Which again works to our advantage. No one would be crazy enough to return to the scene of that crime.”

  “And last but not least, this place is a vampire academy. Vampires are active at night. Why couldn’t we have waited until dawn?”

  Larry frowned. “Okay, I may have failed to think that one through. But I still contend the element of surprise more than makes up for it.”

  “Oh, god,” moaned Bill. “We’re all going to die, aren’t we?”

  “Can it, watermelon breath,” said Larry. “Besides, what do you have to worry about? You’re already dead. Now quit whining and hop in.” Larry held the side of his baby carrier open.

  “Sure,” said Bill. “As soon as I finish that online levitation course.”

  Larry snickered as he hoisted Bill into the carrier and snapped the last clasp into place. He gave me a nod. “Remember, follow me, and stay quiet. We’ll make this quick and painless. Get in, get out.”

  “Quick and painless,” said Bill. “That’s what the executioner told me, you know.”

  “Bill? The stay quiet part goes double for you.”

  We hopped out of the truck and headed up the road, ducking into the forest twenty feet shy of the driveway. I stuck behind Larry and stayed silent, doing my best to avoid branches or crisp leaves that might crunch underfoot. Maybe Larry had enchanted my shoes, too, because I miraculously managed to creep through the underbrush with mouse-like stealth, but my best efforts couldn’t stop a sense of dread from growing in my stomach.

  We paused as the forest cleared at the edge of Romanov’s circular driveway. I glanced upon the mansion’s darkened windows and gothic stylings. Not a bird chirped, nor raccoon screeched. “I’ve got a bad feeling about this.”

  “Hey,” hissed Larry. “What part of quiet didn’t you understand, C-3PO? Even Bill shut his yapper.”

  Bill wiggled his eyebrows at me in a stern fashion.

  I rolled my eyes, then ran a pair of pinched fingers across my lips before giving Larry a pointed glance.

  He nodded his approval and took off across the lawn at a jog. We booked it to the front door, which opened without a sound under Larry’s touch. I figured Romanov didn’t bother with security given all the ferocious vampires he had wandering his property.

  Larry continued to lead the way, through the entrance hall, taking a right at the grand staircase, then down a smaller stairwell tucked behind a sitting room. No vampires flew at us at superhuman speed, with fangs bared or otherwise, and I started to think Larry must’ve cast another obfuscation spell over us because I knew for a fact his luck wasn’t good enough to produce the same result.

  As we reached the basement, the gothic opulence of the upper floors turned to a cold, sterile functionality. Hardwood became polished stone, wall tapestries disappeared, and windows vanished. Even the walls themselves changed from sheet rock to a brushed steel. All we needed was a vault with a fingerprint reader and a retinal scanner to complete the Mission: Impossible vibe.

  “The armory’s ahead,” whispered Larry. “With luck, the sword will be where I left it upon delivery.”

  “And if the door’s locked?” I said.

  “I’ll magic my way in.”

  “You can pick locks with magic?”

  “I was planning on vaporizing the hinges, actually.”

  We turned a corner and found a room protected by a heavy iron grate—which happened to be wide open.

  Larry snickered. “Everything’s coming up roses. Come on!”

  I followed him through the door, glancing at the finely-crafted wrought iron in disbelief. “They left it open?”

  Larry had already dived onto a weapon rack, sifting through a collection of medieval halberds. “Probably so they could access the weapons on short notice.”

  “On short notice,” I said. “Which they would do if they were expecting us to return.”

  “Damnit.” Larry darted to another rack, this one with rapiers, cutlasses, and sabres. “Where is it? Romanov had me hang it up right here.”

  An accented Russian voice sounded at our backs. “Mr. Stuttgart. So nice of you to drop by.”

  My stomach sank. “I told you I had a bad feeling.”

  I turned around slowly to face our antagonist—only to find Cheyev standing there instead. He’d changed out of his mesh raver’s gear back into a tailored suit, one that was grey and black and rippled in the underground armory’s dim light. He held a four foot claymore that looked as if it had been pulled from the set of Braveheart, its point resting on the floor and his hands gripping the pommel. He also wore an amulet around his neck, a tangle of twisted vines and thorns that glowed with an eerie green light.

  “Cheyev?” said Larry. “What are you doing here? Does Romanov know you took his sword and his amulet?”

  “Romanov knows and approves because sword and amulet are in rightful place,” said Cheyev. “You see, Romanov stands before you.”

  “What? Where?” said Larry. “Romanov, come out of the shadows! If you want to fight me, show yourself! Face me like a man!”

  “No, idiot,” said Cheyev. “I am Romanov. I stand before you.”

  “You?” Larry snorted. “You’re not Romanov. I met Romanov. He escorted me down here when I delivered that sword you’re holding.”

  “Was lackey you dealt with,” said Cheyev. “A fake. I am real Romanov.”

  I glanced at Larry. “Well, this seems like a pointless plot twist.”

  “No,” said Romanov defensively. “Is very important. Villain always reveals himself as someone unexpected. Is very shocking. Admit it!”

  Larry’s brow scrunched. “It’s surprising that you’re your own butler?”

  “Cheyev is not butler,” said Romanov. “Cheyev is important cog in vampire training academy. Place cannot run without him.”

  “And that makes this shocking?”

  Romanov lifted the sword. “Enough talk. You tell me where book is, and I kill you quickly.”

  “Do your worst, Romanov,” yelled Bill, who I’d almost forgotten was strapped to Larry’s chest. “You can’t frighten us with death!”

  “Not you, maybe,” I muttered.

  “Fine. I stab you in eye socket,” said Romanov.

  Bill shrieked. “Give him the tome, Larry! Give it to him.”

  “No chance,” said Larry. “I’ve stashed that book somewhere no one will ever find it. It’s guarded by the best of the best, someone so talented and so clever that you’d soil yourself if you even knew who guarded it. You might as well give up, Romanov, because you’ll never get it.”

  Romanov seemed to think it over. “Interesting. But I disagree. I think I kill you now.”

  His amulet began to pulse as he lifted his sword.

  “Wait!” said Larry.

  Romanov paused with the tip of the claymore in the air. “What?”

  Larry shot me a glance
. He was doing something with his hands behind his back, but I couldn’t tell what. “Uh… Lexie has something to say to you.”

  Romanov pierced me with his gaze. “Yes?”

  I think I got the gist of Larry’s outburst. “That’s right. I wanted to tell you that, ah… you can’t kill us. You haven’t told us about your evil plans yet.”

  “I do not understand. Is this American tradition?”

  “Pretty much. Right, Larry?”

  Larry’s fingers continued to dance, half hidden behind his thigh. I interrupted him as he mumbled something to himself. “Yes. Absolutely.”

  Romanov sighed and lowered the sword. “Very well. As you see, I have vampire academy. I have armory. I train vampires. You get point? I need vampire army to help take over world, but is hard recruiting. Need more help. More soldiers. This makes sense, da?”

  Larry was still mumbling to himself, so I stalled. “More or less, but I don’t get the whole taking over the world thing. I mean, who wants the whole world? You know that includes the crappy parts, right? Like Rwanda and Afghanistan?”

  “Dude,” said Bill. “That’s kind of offensive to Rwandans and Afghans.”

  “Fine,” I said. “Detroit and Baltimore, then. The point still stands.”

  “Enough,” said Romanov. “Is time to die.”

  “Really?” Larry smiled at the Russian, his fingers having stopped moving. “After everything we’ve done for you? Procuring that sword, that amulet, your crystals. And you’d kill us, just like that? I thought more of you Romanov. All that time you led me to believe you were an eccentric billionaire philanthropist when really you’re just an evil, heartless murderer.”

  “Please,” said Romanov, matching Larry’s smile. “I am not heartless. Is why I kill you fast.”

  Romanov leapt at us with his sword. Larry’s hand shot toward the man. An undulating globule of darkness erupted from his palm and raced toward Romanov’s head, but the vampire was too fast. With lightning-quick speed, he brought up his sword. The spell bounced off its gleaming edge and flew back toward us, expanding as it approached.

  34

  I floated in space, surrounded by black nothingness pockmarked by distant stars and galaxies. Something in front of me crackled, a faint blue light that twinkled distinctly from the stars beyond. I reached for it, wondering what it was, but I couldn’t seem to touch it, and as far as I could tell, I had no way of moving toward it. I looked up, down, and around. The pale energy was ubiquitous, surrounding me on all sides, except on the one, where a dark blob preempted it.

  The blob was moving.

  I screamed, and the blob swung toward me, suspended in the nothingness like I was. It shifted and I heard a voice. “Lexie?”

  “Wait… Larry?” I said.

  “Well, crap,” he said. “So it hit you, too, I guess.”

  “What are you talking about? What hit me? Larry, where are we?”

  He sighed. “It’s called a mind prison. It’s a cage for your conscious thought. Traps all the parts that make you you within it, separate from your corporeal self.”

  “It’s the spell you were working on while I stalled Romanov.”

  “Yeah. Except I guess it didn’t hit him. Dang, Lexie, I don’t know what happened. I had perfect aim, but Romanov brought that sword up and… BAM! He bounced it back at us somehow. I don’t know how he did it. The spell should’ve passed through the steel like it wasn’t even there.”

  I felt hot anger boiling inside me. “Larry, did you talk to Dawn after tasking her with studying the sword’s history?”

  “No. Why?”

  I clenched my teeth. “It’s a sword of deflection. Deflection, Larry.”

  “Ohhhhh. Well, that would do it.”

  I took a deep breath and let it out slowly. “It’s okay. Focus on the solution, not the problem, right? So how do we get out of here?”

  “I have no idea.”

  It took me a moment to respond. “What do you mean you have no idea?”

  “Well, I’ve cast these things before, but I’ve never tried to escape from one myself.”

  “Okay… So how long before it wears off?”

  “Well, that’s the thing,” said Larry. “Given that I designed this one for Romanov and that he’d proved himself to be evil and untrustworthy and what not, I sort of made it… permanent.”

  The hot anger turned to rage. “God damnit, Larry. GOD DAMNIT! What the hell is wrong with you? Why would you do something that stupid? I mean, why not zap him with a lightning bolt or, I don’t know, a fireball? Seeing as we already found out vampires don’t like fire!”

  “I don’t know, Lexie. I—”

  The anger was flowing now, and I couldn’t stop it. I felt like I had my softball bat back in my hands, and Larry was the Gatorade jug. “You’re an idiot, Larry! Have I ever told you that? You’re a freaking moron! You never think ahead. You never have a plan. You always try to wing your way through everything, no matter how dangerous or unlikely the odds of survival might be. And you know what? That’s a terrible way to go through life! But that’s not even the worst part. The worst part is you never learn. I mean, shit, I’ve only been around a few days and I’ve already seen you shoot yourself in the foot at least a dozen times. Seriously, what is wrong with you? How stupid can you be?”

  “I know, I—”

  “And yet somehow you’re the leader of this operation? How in the world did that happen? I get Bill, he can’t move, but did you cast a spell of stupidity on Tank? Are you blackmailing Dawn with an abstinence tape? Because you sure as hell didn’t earn the right. I’m surprised you haven’t killed everyone around you years ago. Which brings me to your stupid spell. The one that brought me to your doorstep. For two days I’ve been trying to wrap my head around why it picked me. Don’t get me wrong. It was obvious from the start that you were incapable of solving even the most basic problems on your own. But there’s always been more to it, and I think I’ve finally figured it out. It’s because as worthless of a leader as I am, I’m maybe the only person in the world who’s better at it than you.”

  I paused, the anger whistling out of me, because I’d finally come to the crux of my rage.

  I wasn’t angry with Larry—or at least, not only with him. I was angry with myself. I was upset because I’d also behaved stupidly. Irrationally. When my hitting had suffered, when I hadn’t had the power out of my shoulder I was used to, what had I done? I’d ignored it and plowed ahead anyway. I sure as hell hadn’t come up with a better rehabilitation plan than the one I’d been given by the team doctors in the offseason. In fact, when they’d asked how I’d been doing, I’d lied and claimed I was better off than I was, all so my coach would think I’d be ready in time for the start of camp. Some plan that turned out to be…

  And as far as leadership was concerned? I’d lost my cool in practice, made an ass of myself, and nearly hurt a teammate whose only fault was that she was a better player than me. When given the opportunity to rectify the situation, I’d hidden. I’d run away and immersed myself in this, trying to find a new home among the Nyte Patrol when a solid apology, some humility, and self-reflection would’ve rectified matters all along. I’d even made the problem worse by repeatedly lying to my best friend about my intentions to improve my behavior. I’d let my team and my friends down. I’d abandoned them. Me. Their co-captain. The one person they were sure had their best interests at heart.

  Everything I’d accused Larry of, I was guilty of the same. The only difference was that at least Larry’s intentions had been in the right spot.

  I took a deep breath, feeling even worse than I had after my talk with Heather. “Look, Larry. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said any of that. I crossed a line.”

  Larry responded in a calm, self-aware tone. “What? No. Don’t be sorry. Fact of the matter is you’re right. I screwed up. Perhaps more than anyone in the history of screwing up has. I deserve to be chewed out.”

  “No. I mean, yes, you did screw up
. I won’t sugar coat that. But you’re not the world’s biggest screwup, not by a long shot. I should know. My anger is about my own personal problems, not any issues I have with you.”

  The blob shook. I think Larry was nodding. “Yeah. I know.”

  I peered at him—not that it helped me see him any better. “You do?”

  “I’ve always been cursed with the ability to read people. Not in a magical or mind reading sort of way. Just the regular kind. I know most people think of me as a gump or a goof. It’s okay. I’m both, to be honest. But I read you the instant you showed up at our door. I knew you were running away from your problems. I could see it in the way you stood, the way you talked back when I asked you questions. Everything about you screamed troublemaker with a chip on her shoulder. But I trusted my own magic. I trusted that the spell picked you for a reason, and you know what? None of that has kept you from doing a good job. Honestly. You’ve been a valuable addition to our team, and yes, you are a better leader than I am despite your lack of relevant experience. I don’t for a second regret bringing you on.”

  “Thanks, Larry. I appreciate that.”

  We floated in silence for a moment.

  “Do you mind if I give you some personal advice, though?” said Larry.

  “Not at all.”

  “As useful as you’ve been, and as much as I’ve enjoyed having you at my side these past few days, don’t give up everything you’ve ever worked for to join us. Dawn, Tank, and I, for all our powers and abilities—we’re just a bunch of washed up hacks. We rarely get anything right. And the reason Dawn and Tank follow me? It’s because we’ve been through a lot together. They trust me because we’re friends, although thanks to you I’ve realized I haven’t been treating them as such. But you have friends, too. Teammates. People you’ve spent years with, training by their sides, cultivating relationships with. I may not know much, Lexie, but I know the most important thing in life is the people you spend it with. And even though it might not seem like it at times, no relationship is too broken to be repaired.”

  I shook my head. “I’m not sure I believe that last part.”