Ashes to Ashes

by Rebecca Norinne

  “When I came down for supper a few hours later, Ethan was gone. I received a letter in the mail two days later with an email address where I could reach him if I ever needed to talk. Later, I heard from my best friend, who’d heard it from his sister, who had overheard her mom gossiping on the phone, that my father had kicked Ethan out. Apparently, there’d been some trouble at school—something about cheating—and Ethan had been expelled. I didn’t see him again for three years.”

  “Wow,” Rae whispered. “That’s horrible. Your poor brother.”

  I scratched the back of my neck self-consciously. If she thought that made him Poor Ethan, I could only imagine what she’d think when she learned the rest of the story.

  I cleared my throat and kept speaking. “Our dad died six months later. Ethan could have come home anytime he wanted to, but he’d moved to San Francisco and was building a life there. We kept in touch, though. He came back a few times a year, showing up at my concerts unannounced. He never stayed in the house again though.”

  “That must have been rough for you.”

  “Nah, I was a selfish teenager by then and I had my own troubles to worry about. I actually thought it was awesome my big bro lived out in San Francisco. He’d landed an internship at an indie record label and had managed to work his way up. I had a shitty little garage band so I had all these ideas about him passing along our demo and us hitting it big. Never mind the label he worked for wasn’t very successful.

  “But then by the time my senior year of college rolled around, things had changed. I had no fucking clue what I was going to do with my degree, so when Ethan said I should go live with him, I jumped at the chance. What he failed to mention was that he’d gotten married since the last time we’d spoken.”

  “Wait. Your brother did tell you he’d gotten married?”

  “Nope,” I answered, fidgeting with a utensil. “When Sonia opened the door to his apartment, it came as quite a shock.”

  “I know I keep interrupting,” Rae said, “but I’m just trying to wrap my head around this. First your brother invites you to live with him without mentioning his new wife, and then he wasn’t even there to welcome you when you arrived?”

  “That pretty much sums it up. What’s that look for?” Rae’s eyebrows were furrowed and her lips were pursed tightly.

  “Sorry. I tend to get carried away imagining these perfect families—mom, dad, two kids, family dog, white picket fence—and how nice it would have been to have had a sibling but …” She trailed off.

  “Yeah, I get it” I nodded. I knew better than most that the grass wasn’t always greener on the other side. “I should probably clarify that even though we’d kept in touch and he’d invited me to live with him, we weren’t exactly close. It was more like we stayed in touch out of familial obligation versus any real sense of brotherly affection.” I set the fork I’d been twisting aside. “I think he felt guilty for leaving me to fend for myself with our ma after the old man died.”

  We were quiet for a few seconds after that. Me considering the strange nature of my relationship with my brother, and Rae … well, I assumed Rae was reconsidering her ideals. It was difficult to let go of pre-conceived notions you’d held onto your whole life, but the sooner Rae understood that all families were fucked up, the sooner she could stop carrying the chip on her shoulder.

  “So anyhow,” I said once the silence had stretched to an uncomfortable length. I needed to get this over with, and the quicker the better. “When Sonia opened the door, I thought I had the wrong address. But then she squealed, threw her arms around me, and said how excited she was to finally meet Ethan’s little brother.” I shook my head as I recalled how she’d fussed over me to the point I had to politely ask her to back the fuck off.

  “I tried calling Ethan, but he didn’t pick up his phone or respond to texts. That set Sonia off, and her mood shifted. She went from being all sweet and familial to … well, not so familial, if you get my drift.”

  “How so?” Rae glanced at the stove to make sure the sauce looked the way she wanted it to. Satisfied, she turned her face back to me and waited for my answer.

  “For starters, she walked in on me when I was in the shower.”

  “She didn’t!” Her hand shot up to cover a horrified expression.

  “Yup,” I nodded and chewed on my lip. Glancing away, I said, “I was so busy jacking it that I didn’t hear her come in until she opened the shower curtain. She was completely naked.”

  “Holy fuck,” Rae whispered.

  “Yeah, that’s what I said.” I ran my hand over my beard and scratched at the skin beneath. “When I jumped back, she stepped over the ledge, dropped to her knees, and said, ‘Let me help you out with that,’ like it was the most natural thing in the world for her to want to suck my cock. I tried to push her away, but it was slippery and I didn’t want to hurt her, so …” I shrugged. “I guess I could have tried harder, or been more forceful, but when she took my dick in her mouth, I just blanked ... and went with it.”

  “Wow. I can’t believe she did that. I mean, I’ve done some fucked up shit in my time, but I never cuckolded my husband with his younger brother, much less in his own house.” Realizing how judgmental her words came across, Rae’s eyes went wide. “Shit, I didn’t mean it like that.”

  “No, you did. But it’s okay.” I jumped down from the counter and when to the fridge to grab a beer. It wasn’t until my head was stuck in the icy cold compartment that I realized there wasn’t a drop of alcohol in the house. Shit. I could have used something to dull my nerves right then. Instead, I pulled out a soda and held one up to Rae. “Want one?”

  “No thanks,” she answered, indicating the sparking water with lemon on the counter next to her elbow.

  Popping the cap, I took three deep swallows, my eyes burning as the fizzy liquid snaked down my throat. I could chug a beer like nobody’s business, but soda? Not on your life.

  I leaned back against the counter and crossed my arms. “I know I should have done things differently, but I didn’t. I let her suck my cock and the truth is, I enjoyed it. I felt terrible afterward, but while it was happening? Not so much.”

  “Did you, did she …” Rae paused, searching for the right words. Finally, she asked, “Did you guys ever talk about why she did that? Why you let her do it?”

  You could tell Rae had spent some time in therapy. She probably didn’t hear it, but I was certain she’d been asked a similar question once upon a time.

  “Oh, we talked about it alright. For the life of me, I have no idea why she and Ethan got married in the first place. She cried a lot about how Ethan treated her—begged him to stay home more often—but he always had another club to visit or another concert to scope out. The first six weeks I was there, he was at home maybe ten nights in total. Not that his absence excused the things we did behind his back, but sometimes it felt like Sonia and I were the married couple, while Ethan was the visiting brother.”

  “Did he know?”

  I looked straight into Rae’s eyes. I’d been hiding my misdeeds from the world for years, and I refused hide from her. Not anymore. “I think he suspected. He’d ask me how ‘the missus’ was doing, or whether or not Sonia was making me feel welcome enough in his absence. His comments grated on me, and they drove Sonia insane.

  “The other thing I struggled with was he’d asked me to move out to California so he could help get my music off the ground, but the meetings he promised to arrange never materialized. I went to a few clubs with him under the guise of them being work related, but as far as I could tell, there was very little work being done.”

  “That sucks, Ash. But it doesn’t excuse what you did.” Rae shook her head disapprovingly, but her eyes and her tone remained sympathetic. She knew a thing or two about owning her shit, so she wasn’t going to let me shirk my responsibility. I could appreciate that about her, even if it was difficult to be on the receiving end of it.

  “You don’t need to say it. Trust me, I
know.” I scratched at my bare arms. I’d held this inside for so long, and now it wanted out. Like a swarm of angry bees, I could practically feel the vibrations under my skin. “It’s fucked up. All of it.”

  Rae nodded. “I know a thing or two about what goes on behind the scenes of the music industry. I’ve been in those clubs, in those meetings that aren’t really meetings. I’m assuming he was cheating on her?”

  “I never actually saw Ethan cheat on Sonia, but that’s only because he was always leaving me behind while he’d disappear into some back room with one entourage or another. The most fucked-up part about those nights was when I’d get bored and head home, Sonia would sneak into my room and beg for a play-by-play of the night. Things like, did Ethan smile at any other women; did he buy drinks for anyone? She’d get herself worked up, and I’d try to calm her down, and the next thing you knew, we’d be fucking again. I always swore this time would be the last, but it never was. It never was.” I cleared my throat, which had gone scratchy with shame and overuse. I couldn’t remember the last time I’d carried on a conversation this long.

  “Why didn’t you leave?”

  “And go where?” I asked. “I didn’t have a steady job or anything, so I didn’t have enough cash to get my own place.” When she stared at me skeptically, I said, “Look, I know how that sounds. I should have gone back home, or slept on someone’s couch until I figured my shit out, but by the time I’d been there almost a year, I’d convinced myself that Sonia was the injured party, and by being there for her, I was doing what my brother wouldn’t.

  “Looking back, I know that was a delusional way of viewing our fucked-up situation, but I was in love. Sonia claimed to love my brother, while telling me that she needed me. Although, looking back now, I’m not sure how you can say you love one man when you’re fucking another.” I scratched my beard, deep in thought. I wish I’d been mature enough back then to have come to that conclusion much sooner. “She’d break down crying and tell me we’d stop what we were doing just as soon as Ethan came to his senses. The problem was, he never did.”

  “How long did your affair last?”

  I looked to the ceiling. God, I was so ashamed to say it, but the words had to be spoken. “Over two years.”

  “You were fucking your brother’s wife under his nose for two years and he never caught you in the act? Shit, he really must not have cared.”

  “Like I said, I don’t think he did.” I gritted my teeth to keep myself from saying what I really thought of Ethan. I regretted the part I’d played in his marriage, and if I had to do it all over again, I liked to think I’d be a stronger person—a better man—but Ethan wasn’t without blame. He drove Sonia into another man’s arms with the callous way he treated her. That the other man was me was unfortunate, but …well, but nothing.

  After a few moments of internal self-recrimination, Rae spoke up. “I hesitate to ask, but how does October 26 play into all this?”

  I blew out a long breath, and ran my hand roughly through my hair. I rested my palms, fingers entwined, on top of my head. “I don’t even know where to start,” I admitted. “I haven’t talked about that day to anyone. Ever.”

  “No one?”

  I shook my head. “Not a soul.”

  Rae crossed her arms, hugging her middle. “Whenever I’ve had to talk about something I wasn’t proud of, I found it easiest to start at the beginning.”

  “The beginning,” I muttered and then held my breath for a count of three. Releasing it, I nodded. “I suppose it’s as good a place as any.”

  “Do you want to sit down?” she asked, nodding toward the living room.

  My eyes following hers, I considered the long story ahead, the uncomfortable truths I was going to lay before her. The terrible current running through my limbs that made me want to turn and run. “Yeah, I think that’s smart.”

  I was almost through the doorway when I stopped and waited for her to join me. For all that I’d fought my feelings for her, I needed this woman by my side. I needed to touch Rae more than I needed my next breath. I held out my hand and she glanced down, then back up. I saw recognition and understanding pass through her whiskey-colored eyes.

  A few moments later, she was settled in snug against my chest, back to front, while my arm was draped across her middle. “Take all the time you need,” she said. “I’m not going anywhere.”

  Chapter Twenty

  Ash

  And that was exactly why I was able to sit here now and reveal the biggest, most profound mistakes of my life. “I know that,” I said, my voice hoarse. “It’s why I can open up to you.”

  She leaned her head back against my chest and flicked her eyes up. “I understand what it’s like to carry your burdens silently, how they can eat away at you until you don’t recognize yourself anymore.”

  I dropped a tender kiss on the top of her head. “Is it wrong, that even though I wish you’d never had to go through any of that, I’m happy you did because otherwise we never would have met?”

  Rae’s fingers danced absentmindedly across my forearm, tracing light circles in the whirls of my hair. “Eighteen months ago—hell, even three months ago—I would have smacked you for saying that, but I have to believe things are playing out the way they were supposed to. How else do you explain our paths crossing so randomly, not once but twice?”

  “Would you call me a pussy if I said it might be fate?” I pulled a few strands of her hair through my fingers and let them cascade like silk to her shoulders.

  She chuckled. “You’re only a pussy if you’re worried sharing your feelings makes you a pussy. Men are allowed to have emotions too, you know?”

  “Yeah,” I murmured. “Just as long as we don’t talk about them.”

  We fell silent and then our breathing synced—our heartbeats moving in perfect rhythm—giving me the courage to continue. “Sonia stayed home from work that day. She was in PR and rarely took time off, but Ethan hadn’t come home, so crawled in bed with me. We spent the morning … well, you know.”

  I hesitated to call what Sonia and I had been doing making love. I’d told her countless times that I loved her, and I did. Probably more than Ethan had, I’d wager. But thinking about my feelings for Sonia compared to what I felt at this moment with Rae in my arms … well, there really was no comparison. What Rae and I had—what we could have in the future if we let ourselves trust one another with our hearts—was better and brighter than anything I’d ever had with Sonia.

  For all the ways I’d loved her, I’d hated her too for stringing me along the way she had. Only in hindsight could I see that she’d used my feelings against me. I’d been complicit, but that didn’t make her manipulation right. Or make how I’d deceived my brother okay. As much as I hated Sonia now, I hated myself more for not having the strength to break things off with her.

  “Yeah, I know,” she answered, letting me off the hook.

  As I sat here now with this beautiful, complicated, trusting woman against me, I could finally see that my grief over Sonia’s death—my guilt—had heightened my memories of our time together. Had maybe even twisted the love I’d felt for her into something grander, something more than it ever was or ever could have been. I didn’t want to diminish the passion I’d had for her because those feelings had been genuine, but now I could admit Sonia hadn’t been the great love of my life.

  “Ethan finally called around eleven o’clock to say he wanted to have lunch with her. Apparently, he had some big news to share and he wanted to meet in the lobby of her building at one.”

  “But she wasn’t there.”

  “Nope, she wasn’t.” I traced my way up and down Rae’s smooth skin and zeroed in on a freckle that was darker than its mates. Circling it with the pad of my finger, I asked, “How familiar with San Francisco are you?”

  “I played there a few times,” she said. “I was across the bridge that day, in Oakland.”

  “Oh.”

  “Yeah.”

  “S
o you know what that day was like.”

  She shrugged against me. “I never saw the carnage, but we were on lock down for almost fifteen hours.”

  “It’s better that you didn’t see it,” I answered, my voice full of sorrow. I’d been to war, had seen my fair share of atrocities, but there was something about that warm autumn day that still kept me up at night. Maybe because it’d been the first time I’d seen so many dead bodies at one time, so many severed limbs, that it had stuck with me. Maybe it was because for years, I’d felt like I’d sent someone I loved to die in the carnage? If I’d ever gone to therapy, maybe a doctor could explain it properly, but the guys I’d been deployed with later had said the first time was always the hardest. Anything you saw or did afterward would never compare.

  I swallowed down the lump in my throat. “She rushed in to San Francisco, but at one-thirty texted to say Ethan had never shown. Instead of coming home, she’d decided to head upstairs and get some work done. She’d planned to tell her boss that her ‘sick day’ had actually been a dentist appointment.” I rolled my eyes. “I never realized before how easily Sonia could lie. They just slipped off her tongue like honey.

  “She texted me again a couple of hours later to ask if Ethan had ever come home, but I was out hiking so I didn’t get her message. I’d turned my phone off so I could think, really try to figure a way out of the situation we were all in. As I walked back, I decided I was going to end it. When I got back to my car and turned my phone back on, it was blowing up with messages from my mom and Ethan, freaking out over where I was. That’s when I learned what had happened.” As I finished speaking, the only sound in the room was our breathing and my heavy heartbeat drumming in my ears.

  Eventually Rae broke the silence. “Her death wasn’t your fault, Ash. I can’t absolve you of the guilt you have for carrying on a two-year affair with your brother’s wife, but her dying in the attack isn’t on your shoulders.”