To Rise Above

by Jones, Julianne

  “But it’s been that way for us all. We’ve all had to learn to accept it.”

  “Not everyone has your strength Katie. Nor your faith. Perhaps Eleanor hasn’t learnt yet to trust the One who carries us in His Hand?”

  Katie hung her head in shame. “I hadn’t even thought of that. Da and Kieran – they both believed – but I didn’t even ask about Eleanor. I just assumed she believed too. Now she won’t even want to have anything to do with God.”

  Esther drew the head to her shoulder and stroked the soft hair. “You don’t know that. God uses our weaknesses to show His strength.” At Rhiannon’s questioning look she explained, “He can even use our mistakes. That way no one can boast that it was because of what they did – their strength – their abilities – their actions. Pray for your sister, Katie. Confess to her your shortcomings. And let God do the rest.”

  Gently Katie drew away and rose to her feet. “Thank ye. I’ll do just that.” Bending she placed a swift kiss on Esther’s cheek. As she was about to leave the room, she turned just in time to see Esther lift a hand to her cheek and look at Rhiannon in amazement. But she had no time to ponder what it meant – not when Eleanor was hurting and it was her task to make it right.

  “Eleanor? Can we talk?”

  “Go away.”

  Gently Katie pushed the door open wider and entered. “I want to apologise.”

  “I don’t want yer apologies. I don’t want anything. I just want to go home.”

  Tentatively Katie moved to Eleanor’s side. “I feel like that at times too.”

  “Then why don’t we go back to Ireland?”

  Amazed at Eleanor’s lack of understanding, Katie tried to explain. “I’m free – that’s true – I’ve been pardoned – but I still can’t leave this land until me sentence is up.”

  “Then what good is a pardon? If ye were really free ye could do what ye liked.”

  “In that case, none of us are truly free. But a pardon means I’m no longer a convict – that I’m no longer tainted with the stain of me crime. I guess it’s a little like becoming a Christian”, Katie mused, unaware that Eleanor was staring at her strangely. “When Jesus takes our sins away we’re no longer tainted with them but we still have to live on this earth and we still struggle with our sinful natures. But we belong to a family – His family. And we can’t go to our new home until He takes us there.”

  “I have no idea what ye’re talking about,” Eleanor’s voice dripped with scorn.

  Katie sighed. “I’m sorry. I hope one day ye will.” Slowly she put an arm around her sister’s shoulders. “Can’t we be friends? I don’t like that we’re fighting like this. I want to understand what ye’re feeling, truly I do. Ye’ve grown up since I left home and I feel like I hardly know ye, but ye’re my sister and I love ye.”

  Katie felt the thin shoulders heave and suddenly Eleanor started sobbing. “I thought it was going to be just like when we were all together back in Ireland. But then Da died and then when we got here ye already had a family and didn’t need us.”

  “That’s not true.”

  “It seemed that way.”

  Katie hugged her sister close. “The Sanfords are my family, but so are ye. And Kieran and Brennan and Emily. Ye all are.”

  “Then why did ye let them adopt ye?”

  “I was without family for so long and then the Sanfords took me in and loved me like one of their own. I needed that. I don’t expect ye to understand because ye’ve always had Da and Kieran and Brennan and Emily but I had no one.”

  “And because of them Kieran’s now dying.”

  “He’s not dying.”

  “How can ye be so sure?”

  “Because the doctor wouldn’t lie to us. He’s not like that. Kieran’s leg had a nasty break but as long as infection doesn’t set in, he should recover.”

  “Should?”

  Katie mentally kicked herself. “Will. He will recover.”

  “And then we can all leave here?”

  Unsure how to reply, Katie stated, “The Sanfords want ye to be part of their family too. Won’t ye try and let them?”

  “No! They’re not my family. They never will be my family. And nothing ye say, Kaitleen Donovan, can change that,” and flinging Katie’s arms aside Eleanor stormed from the room.

  Esther was waiting anxiously when Katie descended the stairs. At the look on Katie’s face, she moved to the girl’s side and held her close.

  “It didn’t go well.” It was more a statement than a question.

  Katie shook her head and Esther could just make out her muffled words. “No. She … gulp … she doesn’t want to be part of this family. She … gulp … doesn’t understand.”

  Esther rocked the girl gently. “The doctor was afraid of this. Katie, try and see it from her point of view.”

  “I am but … gulp … she won’t see it my way. She wants to go home … to Ireland. She doesn’t want to belong here.”

  “And was it any different when you first arrived? Didn’t you want to go home too?”

  “Yes. But that was different.”

  “How so?” Esther led Katie to the bottom step and the two sat down, neither realising what had just happened. Esther Sanford, the doctor’s wife, was sitting on a step like any serving girl. If Rhiannon saw them … or the children … or the servants … but not one saw them and it was days before Esther would realise what she had done, thus giving herself reason to feel mortified by her behaviour and the doctor much cause for amusement.

  “I had no one. I knew no one. Apart from Samuel. I had no home.”

  “And Eleanor feels the same. She has no home – not one that she recognises anyway. Katie, it’s only been a week. Give her time. I’m not sure if any of your siblings knew what to expect when they arrived, and then with Kieran’s accident … well they all need time to adjust.”

  “Brennan and Emily seem to be adjusting just fine.”

  “They’re younger. And probably just as overwhelmed and will most likely show it in different ways.”

  “I just want to shake Eleanor and make her see sense.”

  “I’m not sure that’s wise or would do any good.”

  “No but it would make me feel better,” Katie admitted.

  Esther laughed quietly and wrapped an arm around Katie’s shoulders. “Give her time, Katie. Give her time.”

  Rhiannon’s Journal

  Christmas Eve, 1830

  Tomorrow is Christmas and no one has any desire to celebrate although we will have to do something for the children. The best Christmas gift ever would be for Kieran to wake up and be himself again. Since that dreadful day of the accident he has barely woken. Father has refused to let Katie or I see him. In fact no one but Father has been allowed at his side. Father says that he is still in pain but that there’s no cause for concern but how can we be sure unless we see him for ourselves?

  That’s not fair. Father is a good doctor and I trust him but I am just so concerned.

  Katie walks around like one in a dream. Her face is pale, her eyes red from crying, and often questions have to be repeated two or three times before she hears them.

  Eleanor avoids her. In fact Eleanor avoids everyone, but Katie most of all. Mother says to be patient – that Eleanor has a lot to deal with just now – but we’re all worried about Kieran and we’ve all had to face the upheaval of moving. We’re all hurting. Can’t Eleanor see that?

  And the questions that everyone wants answered are: will Kieran recover? and, will he walk again?

  I know better than everyone what it is not to be able to walk. I don’t care if I never walk again as long as Kieran can. If it meant that I was stuck in this chair for the rest of my life so that Kieran could walk I would make that sacrifice.

  But I can’t bargain with God. I know that. So I keep on practicing my exercises to make my legs stronger and the whole time I’m praying that God will heal Kieran. Nothing seems more important than that he should recover. Not even the house,
which just a few short weeks ago we were all anxiously waiting to see. (And it is beautiful – just as Father promised. One day Mother will plant a garden and it will be even more beautiful but for now we don’t care about that. All we can think about is Kieran.)

  Two days after Kieran’s accident Samuel brought some men with him and spent the whole day setting up furniture so that we no longer would have to sleep on the floor or eat off boxes. Mother was so relieved to have some help that she didn’t even realise that the men were convicts until after they had gone!

  Mother and Lola and Katie have been unpacking boxes and taking it in turns caring for Moses and the other children when they’re not asleep. I can’t help with the unpacking but I can help by reading stories and amusing the younger children and I think Brennan and Emily are starting to see me as another big sister.

  Only Eleanor refuses to accept any of us.

  January 1831

  Chapter Nineteen

  “Brennan, hold still. Don’t squirm so.”

  “I dinna want me hair washed.”

  Katie lifted the jug of water and poured it over her protesting brother’s head. “Ye have to have yer hair washed. Tomorrow’s Sunday and ye’re going to church.”

  “I can do it meself”

  “I wish ye could. But the last time we let ye do that ye were still dirty and I’m sure no water touched ye hair.”

  “But I dinna need a bath.”

  “Believe me, ye did. There! Just wait while I grab the towel … Brennan! What are ye doing?”

  For Brennan had climbed out of the tub and was now dripping water all over the wooden floor.

  “I’d had enough of yer soap and water.”

  Esther laughed from her place on the floor where she was dressing a freshly bathed Seamus. Both Katie and Esther wore aprons that were dripping with their recent exertions. Nearby Rhiannon sat with Emily on her lap, gently combing out the tangles in the child’s hair.

  “I’m beginning to think that monthly baths would be easier than weekly,” Katie joked. “But then again daily might get ye used to it all that much quicker,” she quickly amended when she saw Brennan’s face light up with hope.

  She handed Brennan a towel with instructions to dry himself quickly and then put his nightshirt on while she mopped up the water on the floor.

  “I don’t know why we have to be clean for church anyway,” grumbled Brennan as he struggled to pull his shirt on.

  Katie laughed. “No one would want to sit next to ye, otherwise. Now come here and let me comb yer hair.”

  “Ye won’t tug will ye?”

  “Only if ye don’t sit still.”

  Esther slowly rose from her position on the floor and stretched. “I doubt I’ll need my bath tonight,” she joked. “I’m wet all over.”

  Brennan twisted around to face Katie. “If she doesn’t have to have a bath then why do I?”

  “She was just joking, Brennan. I don’t understand why ye have such an aversion to bathing.” She pinched him lightly on the arm. “Ye’re all done. Go with Lola and she’ll put ye to bed. I’ll be up shortly – after I’ve had my bath – to kiss ye goodnight.”

  “I’m too old for kisses.”

  “Ye’re never too old.”

  Impulsively Brennan turned and wrapped his arms around Katie’s neck and planted a kiss on her check. She raised her eyebrows but returned his embrace, and then let him go when Lola approached to take the boy.

  “Lola, we’ll need you to draw more water before we can begin our baths, but we can wait. I’m feeling tired after bathing all these little ones.” Esther removed her wet apron and placed it on a stool. “And please inform Eleanor that the baths will be ready soon – if you see her.”

  “Yes, Missus.” Quickly Lola ushered the children out.

  Esther slowly lowered herself into a rocking chair and placed a hand on her forehead. “I can’t believe how tiring that was. But it’s worth it. I’m looking forward to hearing Samuel preach. I have the impression that he will do well as a preacher.”

  “He does.”

  Rhiannon glanced curiously at Katie but it was Esther that asked the question: “You’ve heard him?”

  “Yes. On board the convict ship.”

  “He was there?”

  “He was the spiritual advisor. That’s where I met him. Didn’t ye know?”

  Esther shook her head. “I don’t think so. If I did, I’d forgotten. I’d assumed that you’d met him after you landed.”

  “No. It was on the ship. He preached every Sunday.”

  “I knew,” Rhiannon spoke up.

  “Then perhaps I’d forgotten. Or,” she smiled at both girls, “it was something that the two of you shared in your night time chats. Yes, the ones you thought I didn’t hear.” She laughed at their faces. “Of course I knew. So you’ve heard him preach regularly.”

  “Was he good?” Rhiannon asked. “Did the women listen to him?”

  “Yes. But not for the reason ye’re thinking.”

  Esther and Rhiannon shared a puzzled look. It was Esther that discerned the reason first.

  “Samuel is a handsome young man,” she stated. “I could see that women would be distracted by his looks.”

  “They saw him as their ticket to freedom.”

  “How?” Rhiannon asked.

  “If a convict woman marries a free man, then she becomes free too. Some women had hopes of marrying before we reached land. They chose Samuel.”

  “Were there no other men on board the transport ship?” Rhiannon failed to see the pained look that her mother sent her way.

  “There was.” Katie spoke slowly. “But they were our captors. Our tormentors. The ones that meted out punishment. Samuel was different. He was like our friend – as was the doctor – but Samuel seemed more our friend. And more our age too I guess.”

  “Did it cause problems?”

  Katie thought back to the time some of the women had taken the Bible that Samuel had given her and their threat that she not get in their way if she knew what was good for her. Her friend Judith, who had been sore at her for becoming a Christian, had stood up for her and the women had left her alone after that.

  “Some,” she finally admitted.

  “I imagine Samuel would handle it wisely,” Esther said as she leaned back and closed her eyes.

  “I don’t think he even noticed.”

  “No, he’s not a vain man. Lola! That was quick! Katie, you’re still wet – you go first. Rhiannon and I will be in the parlour. Take your time. After all, you want to look your best for tomorrow,” she teased as she and Rhiannon exited the room. “I have a suspicion that there’s just as many young ladies in this town who are also more interested in Samuel’s looks than in his preaching!”

  Samuel critically eyed himself in the mirror then wondered why he was suddenly feeling so nervous. He had preached many times before it was true and why should today be any different? He had hopes that the doctor and his wife would be present – as would their large family – but was that any reason to be nervous?

  And then there would be Katie. But she’d heard him preach before. He didn’t need to impress her. And yet …

  Suddenly Samuel dropped to his knees beside his bed. If he was honest he would have to admit that he was afraid of making a fool of himself in front of those whom he had come to care for. He wanted them to admire him – to be proud of him. He was afraid of not being good enough.

  But that wasn’t his role. His role was to lead his congregation – to do what God had called him to do – and not to make a good impression. Recognising his pride, he humbly bowed his head. For the time that was left to him before the service commenced he would concentrate on what really mattered and not on his dress.

  Katie surveyed the other members of the congregation as they were led to their pew. Despite Esther’s warning the night before, Katie hadn’t expected to see so many pretty girls gazing up at Samuel with admiration evident on their faces.

  A sha
rp pang of jealousy tore at her heart and she admonished herself severely. She was here to worship God. Not to think on Samuel. As he rose to announce the first hymn she forget about everything else except her desire to please God. Not Samuel, nor the other girls, nor even Seamus squirming on her lap could divert her attention from the One she had come to praise this day.

  Esther stood watching Samuel as he greeted his congregation and as he bestowed a kind and encouraging word on each individual. She had come to appreciate this young man in the time since they had first met after an unfortunate fall from his horse. That she now knew he was a competent rider and not given to falls, was proof, at least in her limited understanding of God’s workings, that it could only have been part of God’s plan that led to the circumstances that brought about their meeting. Certainly had they not met, their family today would not have been blessed with Katie and her siblings.

  Esther smiled to herself as she thought of how her family had grown in recent years. Saddened that she had been unable to provide her husband with any more children after Rhiannon, she was now grateful for the way things had turned out and even admitted that she wouldn’t want it any other way.

  A female voice close by caused her to move closer to Samuel and to listen to what was being said.

  “You must dine with us today. I insist. My daughter would be so disappointed if you refused.”

  “Well I thank you, but –”

  “I won’t take ‘no’ for an answer. You’ve dined with every family of your congregation at least once. Now it’s our turn again.

  Samuel looked uncomfortable and Esther rose to his aid.

  “Samuel, you haven’t forgotten your promise to us, have you? That you would dine with us as soon as we were settled in our home? I’ve been hoping that you could make it today. The doctor couldn’t leave his patient but I know he’s anxious to see you.” Esther tucked her hand into Samuel’s arm and smiled at the woman nearby. “I hope it won’t inconvenience you too much if Samuel doesn’t dine with you. He’s an old friend of our family and we’re quite impatient to have him visit.”