The Second Life of Nathan Jones

by David Atkinson

  ‘No, you’re not. I can tell.’

  ‘I’m fine. We’re all together again as a family – is that not a good thing?’

  ‘Yeah, but—’

  ‘No buts. We’re fine. We will be fine.’

  ‘Can I ask you a question?’

  ‘Shoot.’

  ‘Would you give Mum your last bagel?’

  He hesitated, and Millie shook her head. ‘See? We’re not fine.’

  Chapter 35

  I’d got into work early and plugged my phone into the PA system, which now blared out some dance music. I did this every so often when no one was around. The morgue acoustics were brilliant, though I’m not sure you’d get many bands or DJs wanting to do a gig there, right enough.

  I danced around, preparing the tools of our trade for the day. I stopped to fill in some paperwork, doing a quick circle of the room in between sentences. A few months had passed now since my breakdown in the rain and it all seemed like a distant memory. I had started to feel much better about life in the last few weeks and, with a ten-day holiday in Gran Canaria looming, things were looking up. I’d got my mojo back.

  The song finished and just as I turned off my phone I noticed Sid leaning against the doorframe, watching me.

  ‘Sid!’ I exclaimed, slightly embarrassed at being caught dancing in the morgue; it seemed a little disrespectful, now that I thought about it.

  ‘Don’t worry, I enjoyed watching you.’

  ‘Voyeur.’

  He nodded, smiling.

  ‘I thought you were supposed to be in court all day?’

  ‘They rearranged it again.’

  ‘Again?’ Sid had been called to give his professional opinion on a hit and run case that he’d undertaken the post-mortem for. The driver of the car had claimed he’d only been doing twenty miles an hour, but the state of the corpse told a different story. ‘What is it this time?’

  ‘The defendant’s ill, apparently.’

  ‘So why are you here? Your shift’s all covered today. I thought you’d be enjoying a day off.’

  ‘I wanted to ask you something.’

  ‘Okay,’ I said a little warily.

  ‘Can we meet up later after you get off?’

  ‘Yeah, sure, why though?’

  ‘I … I’ll explain when I see you. It’ll be easier, if that’s okay?’

  ‘Now I’m intrigued.’

  ‘Thanks, Kat.’ He smiled and left.

  *

  Later in the day I got a text from Sid asking if we could meet in the Starbucks just across the road from the hospital. I pottered over at a few minutes past four, ordered a coffee and waited. Another text, ‘cu in 2 mins’.

  All this cloak and dagger routine wasn’t Sid’s style. I’d never known two minutes to pass so slowly; it felt like waiting for an eBay auction to end when you’d got the winning bid.

  Eventually the door opened, and Sid entered accompanied by a friend – a female friend. His face blushed bright red when he saw me, and he wouldn’t meet my gaze, so I looked at his friend instead.

  She had bright pink spiky hair, doe-like brown eyes, and a line of silver piercings along both eyebrows. She had a little rosy mouth and smiled with nice, if slightly crooked, white teeth.

  She’d dressed mainly in black leather, jacket and trousers with black suede calf-length boots. She held out her hand and said, ‘Kat, I assume? I’m Jenny.’

  Jenny turned out to be lovely, and the punk girl and I chatted like long-lost friends.

  ‘So how did you meet?’

  ‘At a Vibrators gig.’

  I glanced over to Sid, who’d gone from pale red to traffic-light red. ‘The Vibrators are a punk band from the late seventies, just in case you’re wondering.’

  ‘You had me worried for a minute. So, you’re into old punk stuff too?’

  Jenny shrugged. ‘Some of it. I prefer the more melodic songs, to be honest, but I get along to a few things here and there when I’m not working.’

  ‘What do you do?’

  ‘I’m a chemist.’

  Okay, smart as well as pretty and chatty. ‘What, like in Boots?’ I asked, hoping she hadn’t been lurking around the day I’d got caught examining my pubes.

  ‘No, I’m an industrial chemist. I work for TXS part of the huge petrochemical site at

  Grangemouth, but I’m from Bristol originally.’

  That explained the English accent.

  ‘David told me that you and he are good friends.’

  I nodded.

  ‘Well, I just wanted to meet you to, well, put my mind at rest, I suppose.’

  I nodded again.

  ‘When your boyfriend tells you something like that, it puts your guard up, but, well, you seem very nice and I’m sure I’ve got nothing to worry about.’

  Not now you don’t, I thought to myself. She had clearly come to mark her territory and that was fine by me. ‘Si …’ If she called him David, maybe I should too. ‘David is a lovely person, one of the most genuine and caring people I’ve ever met, but I’m sure you know that already. He’s been very supportive, especially recently when I had a nasty break-up with someone.’

  ‘Yes, I can see him doing that. Sometimes he’s a little too nice and I don’t like the thought of anyone taking advantage of him, but I’m much happier now that I’ve met you.’

  I nodded for a third time; the cat had well and truly taken my tongue and buried it in its litter tray. She’d obviously picked up on something Si … David had said about me that had got her antenna twitching. Hopefully when she was with him more than just her antenna twitched and, looking at the two of them together, I suspected it did.

  She talked about her work and her childhood in Bristol, which, truth be told, had me yawning until she mentioned her parents. ‘They got divorced just after my tenth birthday. My dad moved out initially as he’d met someone else, then he and his new partner bought the house next door. Then my mum met someone, and he moved in, so basically my parents now share the party wall of two semis in Southville in Bristol with my stepbrothers and sisters who all play together and get on wonderfully.’

  We sat for a moment considering the oddness of Jenny’s parents, then I said brightly, ‘You’ll fit in perfectly around here.’

  Shortly afterwards they left hand in hand and I drove home, delighted for Sid but feeling a little sorry for myself now that the last remaining singleton in my life had left the club. I consoled myself with the thought that I had one more shift, then I could pack my cases and head off for the sun.

  *

  Three days later Hayley and I stepped off the plane at Gran Canaria airport and the wall of heat that hit us made us sigh with contentment. After an annoying forty-minute journey on a sweaty bus, we were deposited at our hotel and fifteen minutes later were seated by the pool under umbrellas with cold beers in hand.

  I had my black bikini on (what other colour would I wear?) and Hayley wore a blue swimsuit with the picture of a dolphin on the front. We were both milky-white; neither of us really took much of a tan but I expected I looked paler because by now my hair had returned to its familiar black. I’d reintroduced most of my piercings too and added a small tattoo on my left calf of a creepy grey skull with glowing red eyes. I loved it; it was almost worth the pain I’d endured to get it applied.

  Hayley supped her beer, lay back and closed her eyes, enjoying the late afternoon heat. ‘Bliss.’

  ‘Are you not missing James?’

  ‘Not yet. Give me an hour or two and I might. I’ve got some news on that front, actually.’

  ‘He’s not gone back to his wife?’

  ‘No, only men called “Smacked Arse” do that sort of thing.’

  ‘Smacktard.’

  ‘Right. Well, it seems that Mrs Cochrane has decided that she’d rather like a divorce after all.’

  I sat up excitedly, spilling some cold beer on my hot skin; it felt delicious. ‘That’s great. Why the sudden change of heart?’

  ‘W
e’re not sure, but James reckons Bob the Builder’s popped the question to April.’

  ‘Wow, that was quick.’

  ‘Maybe, maybe not. James thinks she’s been seeing him longer than she admits to, but, whatever, it means he can move on.’ Hayley smiled and lifted her sunglasses to peer at me. ‘She’s dropped the complaint against me too, not that it matters as I got a letter from the Law Society yesterday telling me they hadn’t found anything technically wrong with my actions anyway. The words they used were ‘unusual’ and ‘frowned upon’. But that’s about it.’

  ‘Frowned upon?’

  ‘Frowned upon.’

  ‘What an old-fashioned industry you work in, Hayley.’

  ‘I know. But I’m back to work in it as soon as we get home.’

  ‘Aww, that’s wonderful.’ I leaned over and gave her a cuddle, attracting a wolf whistle from some teen boys walking past. Hayley gave them the finger.

  *

  We spent the rest of the holiday partying and chilling. We both got propositioned, a lot, but didn’t take up any offers. That aspect had been good for our egos, well, mine especially, and I arrived home tired, slightly less pale than I’d left and a good bit happier with life.

  I returned to work on the Friday, an early shift, and to my surprise waiting for me at the front desk was Sid/David. (I needed to agree what to call him. I’d thought that I could call him Sid at work and David if his girlfriend happened to be about.)

  ‘Sid, how are you?’

  ‘Good. How was your holiday?’

  ‘Brilliant, just what I needed, some sun, sea and sangria.’

  ‘That’s nice. I’m glad for you. Could I have a quick chat with you in the office before we start?’

  Uh-oh, that sounded ominous. Maybe his girlfriend wanted him to change jobs to stay away from me, or maybe she wanted me to change jobs to stay away from him. ‘Nobody’s died, have they?’ I asked, smiling, trying to lighten the mood.

  Sid stopped walking towards the office door and turned to face me. ‘Well, people die all the time, which is just as well, or the world would be even more crowded than it is, and we wouldn’t have jobs, but nobody I know personally has dropped off their perch recently.’

  He’d spoken with such gravity in his voice that for a moment I wondered if he was being serious, but then he smiled and opened the door. He waited for me to go in, then closed it behind us. I perched on the corner of the desk and he sat nervously on a chair behind it.

  ‘What’s up? You look troubled.’

  ‘Troubled? Oh, no, I’m not troubled, I’m ecstatic.’

  ‘You don’t look ecstatic, but then you always tend to look the same whatever your mood. You might be screaming with excitement inside with your whole body flooded with endorphins, but your face—’

  ‘Kat, I need to ask you something.’

  Not again. ‘What is it this time, Sid? Does Jenny want me to sign a document promising on pain of death never to lay a hand on you again?’

  He frowned at me, as if giving this serious consideration as a valid idea, then said, ‘No, Jenny’s cool with us. This is something for me. Jenny and I are getting married.’

  The words took a few seconds to register, then I fell on him. ‘Oh, Sid, that’s amazing. I’m so happy for you.’ I kissed his cheek and then went back to hugging him.

  I pulled back from him and laughed at his smiling face. ‘Wait a minute – how come you’re marrying someone you’ve only known for, what, a few months?’

  ‘I’ve known Jenny for quite a while, actually, but—’

  ‘You were with her when we … when I … well, you know?’

  He grinned. ‘No, of course not. We met about a year ago and chatted online and met up for gigs and the odd coffee, but I couldn’t ask her out, not when I had feelings for you. I knew I needed to sort that out and, well, you kind of did that for me.’

  ‘What if it’d worked? What if I’d liked you?’

  ‘Then I would have loved you forever with the whole of my soul, but it wasn’t to be.’

  Tears formed in my eyes and spilled down my face. ‘Oh, Sid, I don’t know what to say.’

  ‘You don’t need to say anything, just be happy for me. I’m lucky to have someone who loves me and whom I love back. You and I would’ve been incredible, but fate decided otherwise, now Jenny and me, well … now we have the chance to be incredible too. I recently learned that when love calls you have to answer as there’s always a danger that it might not ring back.’

  ‘I like your phone analogy. I’m not sure I understand it right enough, but it sounds good.’

  Sid laughed and said, ‘I wish you could have everything you want.’

  ‘Well, as you say, fate intervened and … well, it doesn’t matter. My two favourite people are happy again and I get to go to a wedding. I am invited?’

  ‘Of course. Who else is happy?’

  ‘Hayley. She’s back at work – the complaint thing’s been dropped.’

  ‘Oh, that’s good. Now, there’s something else I need to ask you. I was wondering, well, I’d consider it an honour if …’

  ‘C’mon, Sid, out with it.’

  ‘Would you do me the huge honour of being my best man … or best person or whatever it is you would be?’

  I had to sit back down in disbelief but missed the corner of the desk and ended up on my arse on the floor. Sid quickly helped me up. ‘Sid, that would be a huge honour, but, I mean, is there nobody else who, well, who knows you better? And can I do it? I mean, is it normal?’

  ‘Of course, it’s not normal, but what is normal? Certainly not us, we’re both well down the slope of the bell curve, but it’s what I really want, and nobody knows me better than you. I’d make one request, though.’

  ‘Yeah?’

  ‘I’d prefer you not to mention in your speech our night of … whatever we did, had, you know?’

  More tears as I hugged him close. I asked mischievously, ‘Does that mean I get to organise your stag do?’

  ‘Probably.’

  ‘Do I get to wear a suit?’

  ‘Jenny would rather you didn’t.’

  ‘Oh, so you’ve discussed this?’

  ‘Of course.’

  ‘She’s … well … cool with it …? It is a little unconventional.’

  ‘Kat, the bride’s got bright pink hair, is going to wear a dress she bought from Oxfam three years ago and has hired a hall in Bootle for the nuptials. How conventional do you think this wedding’s going to be?’

  ‘Fair point. Bootle?’

  ‘Yeah, Bootle. It’s halfway between Edinburgh and Bristol.’

  ‘Is it?’

  ‘So she says.’

  ‘Why, though?’

  ‘Well, initially she’d planned to have the wedding in Bristol close to her folks, but her friends up here moaned, so she thought she’d maybe have it in Edinburgh, but then the Bristolites moaned, so she got a map and a ruler and came up with Bootle.’

  ‘Maximum inconvenience for everyone?’

  ‘Exactly.’

  ‘We’ve set a date. October 31st.’

  ‘It had to be, didn’t it? Fancy dress?’

  ‘Of course.’

  ‘So that gives me just over a year to find something other than a suit to wear.’

  ‘It gives you just under six weeks to find something other than a suit to wear.’

  ‘This Halloween?’

  ‘Yep.’

  ‘God, you’re not hanging about, are you?’

  ‘It’ll be a civil ceremony and nothing lavish, so why wait a year? If it’s right, it’s right.’

  ‘I’m going to be busy, aren’t I?’

  ‘Probably, I’ll get Jenny to talk to you about everything. I’m not sure what she’s got planned.’

  ‘Okay, well, whatever it is I’m sure it’ll be an absolute blast.’

  ‘Great, now that’s sorted we’d better get to work.’

  I skipped into the changing room light-heartedly and don
ned my greens. I came out and noticed Sid still standing talking on the phone.

  He smiled at me as he hung up. ‘Just giving Jenny the good news.’

  Then his face became serious. ‘Now to business – we’ve got another RTA victim waiting for us.’

  ‘Aww, what happened?’

  ‘I’m not sure exactly, but he’s a real mess, so bad in fact I had to cover him up. I couldn’t stand looking at the mess his face had become.’

  ‘Really?’ In all the time I’d worked with Sid I’d never known him to be squeamish about anything and we’d worked through some grotty remains in our time.

  ‘Yeah, absolutely, and I think he must’ve been a pretty ugly bugger before the bus rearranged his features.’

  ‘Ouch.’

  ‘Yeah, huge trauma, I just wanted to prepare you. I got a shock when he came in so … well, anyway, the sooner we get started, the sooner we get finished. Can you start prepping him while I get gowned up?’

  ‘Sure.’

  I walked cautiously into the examination room where the body lay on the stainless-steel operating bench. I had some trepidation from Sid’s warning and approached the table warily. I decided the best way to deal with the situation would be to quickly pull the sheet back, take in the full horror, then get to work.

  I took the edge of the sheet in my hand and quickly lifted it off.

  Nothing could ever have prepared me for what lay underneath. Nothing.

  Chapter 36

  The ‘corpse’ lying there had been dressed in a three-piece blue suit with a silver tie loosely tied around its neck. In its teeth it held a single red rose and as I stared, not believing my senses, it opened its eyes, blinked, reached up, plucked the rose from its teeth and handed it to me.

  I took it, rendered completely speechless by the sight of Nath … Smacktard once again lying in my mortuary.

  ‘Sid!’ I shouted.

  He poked his head sheepishly out of the office.

  ‘Is this your idea of a joke?’

  Smacktard said, ‘It had nothing to do with him. It was all my idea.’

  ‘I wasn’t talking to you. Sid!’ He slunk out of the office, scurried quickly past Reception and out of the front door, shouting, ‘Take the rest of the day off. I’ll cover for you.’