by Brill Harper
Dixie: That’s just it. I don’t know how you just know things about me. Leo, I’ve never told anyone, but I want a baby so badly.
I swallow hard around the ball in my throat. It’s my secret wish. One my parents wouldn’t understand. They barely understand my desire to not be a doctor or lawyer like they are. But they resigned themselves to my academic pursuits. They tried to steer me toward becoming a professor, and I think they still think they can. That I’ll be Ivy League and marry sometime later, in my thirties, like they did. And have one child. Like they did.
I love school. I enjoy my job at the library. But in my heart of hearts, I want to be a mom. I want to have a house full of kids. A loving, loud family. Away from the traffic and the pollution.
And I’ve never told that to anyone before. Sometimes I wonder if I made Leo up. Maybe I’m having some kind of psychotic episode.
Leo: I’ll give you a baby, sweetheart. I’ll fill your belly with my seed. Make you round and fat and everywhere you go, people will know you’re mine.
Dixie: What if I want more than one?
Leo: We’ll practice the whole time you’re pregnant and get going as soon as we can on the next one. How many do you want?
Dixie: God. As many as you’ll give me. Tell me about it some more, Leo.
I sit down and open my laptop so I can use the chat program there and type better with one hand. My hand slips into my panties. I’ve never masturbated as much as I have the last two weeks. I’m in constant arousal mode. Always wet. Always empty. Always needy and achy.
Leo: You touching that sweet pussy, Dixie?
Dixie: Yes.
Leo: Who’s pussy is that, sweetheart?
Dixie: Yours, Leo. I’m all yours. I was made for you
Leo: That’s right you were. God, I wish I was there watching you slide your fingers through that wet, creamy slit.
Dixie: Is that what you would do? Watch?
Leo: for a few minutes. I’d take my dick out and stroke it slow.
Dixie: I can’t take my eyes off it.
Leo: It’s all for you, sweetheart. It’s yours. Come here and climb on my lap.
Dixie: I slide over you, rubbing on you.
Leo: Put me inside.
Dixie: Not yet. I want to come like this, getting you all wet with my juices as I grind on you.
Leo: Fuck, baby. You’re the hottest little thing. All right. Get yourself off on my big dick. But when I get inside you, you best hold on because it’s going to be a rough ride. Such a bad girl, making me wait.
Dixie: God. I want you so much. I wish you were here. Right now.
Leo: I know, baby. Me too. I want to touch you and smell you and see you. I don’t think I’ll ever let you go.
Dixie: I’m coming.
And I am. It’s a quick, short burst of pleasure. I’ve had so many orgasms in the last two weeks that I can categorize them now. I’ve never had one with another person in the room before, and as sad as it sounds, I don’t want anyone else. Not really. Just him. I know I’ll have to do some hard thinking about all this at some point. It isn’t good to get addicted to something I can never have.
Leo: That’s my girl. I grab your hip and hold you hard while I thrust into you all the way. You’re so tight. So wet. I’m already close. So close.
Dixie: I hold your head to my breasts and arch my back so you can get deeper.
Leo: I’m going to fill you with my cum.
There’s a long pause. He’s coming or he’s close. I don’t even know what I’d do if we were in the same room. I’m not...I’m not the same person with him that I am in “real life.” I like the girl he makes me feel like. The woman, I guess I should say. I’ve even started dressing differently. I wear pencil skirts now. I bought some gorgeous lingerie even though I’m the only one who sees it. I take long baths and spray lavender on my pillow. In two weeks, I’ve learned so much more about feeling sensual. I guess I always thought it was for “other” women. For sexy women with boyfriends or husbands. But Leo has opened me up to finding pleasure in sensuality all around me. For myself and no one else.
Leo: You still there.?
Dixie: Yes.
Leo: That was an intense one.
Dixie: Yeah. I’m kind of surprised that turns us both on so much.
I hesitate to ask him something more personal. Which seems silly given our conversations so far, but real life stuff is different. It’s not off limits—nothing is off limits—we’re just more careful about details about the lives we lead off our phones.
Dixie: Do you have ...kids?
Leo: No. To tell you the truth, I’ve never even thought about it before a couple weeks ago.
Dixie: I’ve thought about it. I just never thought it was so hot. Like having kids is a dream of mine—but talking about making them feels so dirty and I don’t know...primal.
Leo: Should we...talk sometime? Like with voices.
Wow. Strange segue. My vision pinpoints, and I feel like I might pass out. More than anything, I want to hear his voice, but suddenly that seems so scary. What if he hates my voice? That’s ludicrous right?
It feels like a big relationship jump even though we are not in a relationship.
Leo: I shouldn’t have asked. I’m sorry if I freaked you out. We don’t have to talk.
Dixie: I want to. I’m just...what are we doing, Leo?
Leo: I don’t know, sweetheart. It feels good for now though, right?
I nod. Like he can see me.
Dixie: Yes. It feels good. Would it be strange if I told you...never mind.
Leo: Don’t leave me hanging. Tell me what?
Dixie: You make me feel really good. I’m more confident. And horny. God, I’m always horny now.
Leo: [smiley]
Leo: I think about you all the time, Dixie. I’m glad I make you horny. But I’m glad I make you feel confident too. You’re amazing. So smart and so sexy.
Dixie: You’re the only person who thinks I’m sexy.
Leo: I don’t think that’s true. But if it were, that just means I get to keep you all to myself then.
Leo: Baby, call me. I need to hear your voice.
My heart is beating a thousand times faster than it should. But I press the phone icon and wait.
“Hello, Dixie.”
The sound of his voice makes me gasp. My God. It sounds like dark promises. So deep and rough.
“You with me, sweetheart?”
“Yes,” I whisper. “Leo, your voice is perfect.”
He chuckles, and I feel it in my underwear. “God, you sound good. This is insane, but I needed to hear your voice.”
“You were still worried I was a dude in my mom’s basement?”
“I never should have told you that, you little brat.”
“I think it’s funny.”
We’re both quiet for a minute. I don’t know if he feels it as strongly as I do. This pull.
“Leo...I want to hear you come.”
“Fuck. You know just what to say to get me hard again, don’t you?” I hear him shifting. “My dick is addicted to you.”
“I want to taste it.”
“Baby, you can do anything you want. It’s all for you. Do you want...I would never just send you one...but I could take a picture. If you want me to.”
A dick pic? I never thought I’d want one. But I want whatever I can get of Leo.
“Oh, I... yes.”
It takes a few more minutes because while Leo is good at a lot of things, his cellphone is not one of them. But when I finally get the picture, my mouth goes dry. “Leo, you’re huge.”
“I don’t think so, sweetheart. Maybe just photogenic.”
No, he’s huge. The swollen tip glistens in the picture and the whole thing lays heavy against his stomach. His long fingers are curled around the shaft, barely circling his girth. “I...I’ve never gotten so turned on by a picture before. Leo, your cock is perfect.”
“Keep talking.”
“Are you stroki
ng yourself right now?”
He takes a shaky breath. “Yeah. Your voice is really doing it for me.”
I put him on speaker so I can look at his picture while I talk, pressing my thighs together trying to ease the ache, the lace of my new panties scratching the sensitive skin.
“I want to taste you, Leo. I want to lick that pearl of precum in the picture. And then I want to take you in my hot, wet mouth. Deep. So deep.”
He groans, the rasp in his throat so masculine. “Woman, you don’t know what you do to me.”
I have to touch myself again, listening to him breathe so sharply. It’s almost like being with him. A whole new level of sexuality opens up for me. Now I know what he sounds like when he comes. I know he groans and says my name. I know his cock is beautiful.
And most of all, I know this is a mistake. Every day, I fall for this man who may not even exist the way I think he does.
We are both catching our breath when I hear a noise in the background on his side. It sounds like a scratchy walkie-talkie. “Fuck. I gotta go, sweetheart. That’s work.”
“Okay. Wait, I’ve seen your dick, will you tell me what you do now?”
He laughs. “I fight fires.”
“Literal fires? You’re a fireman?” My heart plummets thinking of him going out to put his life in danger tonight.
“Yeah, literal fires.” I can hear him getting dressed while we talk.
“Be careful.”
“Always, beautiful.”
The compliment should ring hollow since he’s never seen me, but he makes me feel beautiful.
“Think about sending me a naughty picture. If you’re comfortable. I gotta go.”
I nod. Again, it’s easy to forget he’s not in the same room with me. “I’ll think about it. Goodnight, Leo.”
“Goodnight, Dixie.”
He hangs up and the strange sensation of a sob chokes my throat. I’m crying over this guy now? This is crazy. But what if he gets hurt or worse? No one would tell me. I would never know if he just ghosted on me or if he was in a hospital somewhere.
I don’t know how my cousin does it every day. Her husband is always sent to the most dangerous fires because of his specialization. Every day that he walks out their front door might be their last goodbye.
At least she would get an official visit. Someone would tell her. I’m nobody in Leo’s world. I’m sure he hasn’t told his friends and family about the girl he’s cyberbanging.
I’m fooling myself, pretending this is more than it is. And I’m going to pay for it.
Chapter Three
Leo
“CAPTAIN, THE GUYS ARE all taking bets on whether or not you’re in love or just getting laid.”
I look up at the open door. “Neither, asshole,” I tell Jenkins as he enters my office and closes the door behind him. “Don’t you have something to clean?”
“C’mon, man. You can tell me.” Despite my glare, he picks up a chair across from my desk and turns it around so he can sit on it backwards. “You’re not as grouchy these days, but we never see you with anyone. We even had a rookie follow you home the other night thinking we could catch you at something. You went in the house and stayed there until the next day.”
“Jesus. If you guys have that much extra time, I need to schedule some more drills.”
Jenkins is like family to me, and I’ve given him plenty of advice over the years. I’ve just never asked for any. Maybe that’s part of my problem. I’m closed off too much. Spending so much time with Dixie has shown me where I block people instead of letting them in. I’m sure my sisters agree. They’re always trying to get me to open up more.
I don’t know how to start though. What if I didn’t ask for advice? Just casually put it out there and see what prevailing guy-wisdom Jenkins could offer. I look at the report on my screen, pretending to be distracted. “Maybe I have an internet girlfriend.”
Jenkins side-eyes me, trying to figure out if I’m bullshitting him. “Where does she live?”
“I don’t know.”
“Did you meet her on a dating site?”
I roll my eyes at him. “We both know I couldn’t navigate a dating site. I’d end up on that one Drew uses and find myself dating a gay biker named Axe.”
Jenkins laughs. “Drew doesn’t use that site anymore. Not since he hit it off with the UPS guy.”
“No kidding.” I never thought Drew would pair off. I feel even more pathetic now. It’s not that I never wanted to get married and have kids, I just never met anyone who made me want to. “So I’m the last single?”
“I guess that depends on this internet girlfriend you maybe have.”
I sit back in my chair. “I didn’t use a dating site. I don’t have an internet girlfriend.”
“But you do have a girlfriend.”
“I have...I don’t know what you’d call it. It’s a phone thing.”
“A phone thing.”
“Yeah.”
“But it’s not serious.”
“I don’t know what it is.”
“Cap, you don’t even know where she lives. Are you sure you’re not dating a dude living in his mother’s basement?”
“She sounds like a woman.” God, I love her voice. I love it when she moans my name when she comes. I love it when she laughs. I love it when she tells me about the day she thinks will bore me. “And I’ve seen...enough of her to know she’s a woman.”
“You have titty pics?”
“Jesus. Are you twelve? You’re a married man, for God’s sake.”
“I didn’t ask to see the pics. Just wondered if you had them.”
I do. I so fucking do. I have several in fact. She’s got amazing breasts.
“Wait. Cap, does she have dick pics of you?”
I rub my eyes wearily. Maybe if I don’t answer...
“She does! Wow. Nobody even came up with that one in the pool.”
My ladder has a pool for every damn thing. “Get out, Jenkins.”
“You still coming by Saturday?”
“It’s a little weird that you guys are having a co-ed baby shower after your kid is already born.”
“Get with the times, Cap. And bring a gift for my wife to open.”
“Yeah, yeah. Get out before I make you write these reports for me.”
When the alarm sounds an hour later, I realize I’m not going to be able to “get laid” tonight. It’s a big fire and it isn’t until morning that I have a chance to text Dixie.
Leo: Good morning, baby. Sorry I missed our date. Bad fire. How are you?
She doesn’t answer. I eat something. Take a shower. Get a nap in. Still nothing. I go for a run, and when I come back, she’s left me a voicemail:
“Leo, I’m kind of glad you didn’t pick up. When you didn’t call last night, I worried. All night. I’ve been pretty out of it at work today. But it gave me a lot of time to think. I don’t think I can do this anymore. Whatever this is. I was so glad to see your message this morning and know you were okay. But what if you weren’t? What if I never heard what happened to you?
“What we are is each other’s dirty secret, but I can’t be that anymore. I hope you understand. I want a family. I’ll never be able to date anyone else if I have you in my life. And you wouldn’t look twice at me if we met in a bar for real. I have to be realistic. I hope you haven’t already ruined me for other men, but I have to at least try. Please stay safe and know I’ll always care and always be grateful for what we had.”
Her voice breaks at the end and the phone slips out of my hand.
She just broke up with me. I don’t know what to do with that. It’s not supposed to hurt. We were both playing roles, weren’t we?
I can’t blame her. She’s still young enough to find a man her age and have all those babies she wants so bad.
But damn if that doesn’t make me want to punch a wall.
It was just a phone thing. It wasn’t real. I never touched her. Never tasted her skin.
; But the ache near my heart tells me something else. The heart I didn’t think was involved.
I ALMOST SKIP THE BABY shower on Saturday. I’m shit for company. Everyone has been staying out of my way at work. But Merrily, Jenkins’s wife, called me directly to remind me to come today. I’m probably the only single person going to this damn thing.
Co-ed fucking baby shower.
I enter through the kitchen like I usually do. I figure it will give me extra time before I have to pretend to be happy in a roomful of people if I go in the back door and have a beer in the kitchen. Maybe I can offer to help with something.
I helped them move into this house. I helped Jenkins remodel this kitchen. I was the first person he told when his wife peed on a stick, and I’m a godparent, though I’ve been assured it’s a courtesy title and not a “please raise our kid if something happens to us” thing. I need to stop being such an ass about my breakup and be happy for them. They have a family now. And they are my family.
I rub my chest. That phantom ache hasn’t gone anywhere since the voicemail on Monday.
The kitchen isn’t empty, but it’s still quiet.
“Cap! You came!” Merrily says, handing the baby to a brunette woman and coming to meet me at the door. “I told Jim you’d be here. I had $25 in the pool.”
I hug her. “Not you, too.”
I hear the baby squeak, and it draws my attention across the kitchen. Seeing the woman holding the baby makes me think of Dixie. I’m suddenly overwhelmed with the primitive desire to see my woman holding my baby. Why now?
All these years of feeling neutral and now I want a different life? A family of my own?
Maybe I should call Dixie. Maybe letting go is the wrong choice.
Merrily tells us she needs to grab a diaper in the next room. I wander over to see the baby. She looks less like a little old man than she did in the hospital. The woman is doing that little bouncy thing you see parents do. She looks really pretty. Prettier than the baby, but you’re probably not supposed to say that about babies.
