Everything I Know about Love I Learned from Romance Novels

by Sarah Wendell

  Some romance heroines can teach us plenty about owning one’s sexuality—over and over again. Molly Jennings, the heroine of Victoria Dahl’s contemporary romance Talk Me Down, is an erotic romance author who returned to her hometown with a major case of writer’s block, only to find that reconnecting with her high-school crush, Ben, was plenty of inspiration to crank her engine, creatively and literally. Molly is definitely someone who takes an active interest in all matters sexual, so when it came time to write about sex in romances, I asked Dahl to ask Molly if she had any advice for the readers of this book. Ha! As if she wouldn’t.

  I don’t mean start talking dirty out of the blue and telling your man to put his Aer Lingus in your yoni while you’re having brunch with his grandparents. I mean, specifically, say what you want.

  Above all, Molly recommends that you start your own motor, so to speak:

  “My advice is simple: When it rains, it pours. If you’re feeling lonely and sexually frustrated, there’s a simple solution to the problem. Don’t be. Take care of it yourself, ladies. There is nothing more appealing than a woman who’s already plump with satisfaction. That’s why men approach more often when you’re happily involved in a relationship. You’re confident and satisfied and sexy. Men can see that. They can feel it. It’s oozing out of your pores. So make it ooze on your own. Wait…that didn’t sound right. What I mean is that you should take your sexual satisfaction into your own hands. Buy a toy. Buy several toys. More importantly, use them.

  “The next time you walk into a party by yourself, you’ll look like you have a sexy secret. Best case scenario: men will be buzzing around you like bees. Worst case scenario: you’re already relaxed and happy, so who cares what the men do anyway?”

  —Molly Jennings, heroine of

  Victoria Dahl’s Talk Me Down

  Keely McKay from Lorelei James’s Rough Riders series is also, well, open to and about sex. Keely is adventurous and experienced in the exploration of multiple venues for sexual pleasure. In other words, more than one man? Not a problem at all. The Rough Riders series is among the most erotic, explicit, and emotionally deft collections of romance, and since Keely is present in several other stories until she gets her own romance in All Jacked Up, I figured she had plenty to say about sexual confidence and women with sexual experience. James was kind enough to query her, and heh, I was so not wrong:

  “There’s no such thing as a slut. That term pisses me off, like it’s a fuckin’ sin to love sex if you’re a woman. How in the hell are you ever supposed to get good at something if you don’t practice it? A lot? And who made up the asinine rule that you can only be with one guy, at one time? Puh-leaze. There’s something very empowering about bending two men to your will—or bending over for them and seein’ how fast those belt buckles fly. It’s the ultimate rush being the sole focus of two mouths, two sets of hands, two cocks. Every woman should experience that a time or twenty in her life.

  “But if you are a woman who insists on a one-on-one connection with your man, that doesn’t mean it’s gotta be boring, shut the lights off, missionary position, is-it-Saturday-already type of vanilla sex. Getting nekkid with him should be your priority. It’ll drive him crazy when you take the lead and fuck him stupid. But don’t expect your guy to be a mind reader. Tell him exactly what you want him to do to your body in as explicit and simple terms as possible.

  “For God’s sake, don’t buy him a book on how to sexually please a woman, because what man willingly reads any kind of how-to manual? Even if there are raunchy step-by-step pictures. Be bossy. Be bold. Break out the porn and the sex toys to provide examples.

  “That said, if you’re used to being in charge in your life outside the bedroom, there is power in surrendering your body and your sexual will to your lover completely. Relying on him to provide you with what you crave in bed is not about love or companionship, but gorging yourself on as many banging-the-headboard orgasms as you can take.

  “Who doesn’t want a sex life that causes your secret smirk and his sexy swagger? I do. You should too. And darlin’, the only way to get that well-fucked feeling, is to make it happen.”

  —Keely McKay, heroine of Lorelei

  James’s Rough Riders series

  Bottom line (pun intended): Excellent sex, much like happiness, is something most everyone wishes to attain. And much like happiness, excellent sex takes some effort, though the payoff is absolutely worth it.

  1 “Take your mighty wang sticky pants doodle, and holding your one-eyed yogurt-slinging trouser snake, batter up with your sword o’ mighty lovin’.”

  We Know How to Solve Problems

  Romance novels are full of conflict. Why else would you want to read about the same few people for three hundred pages if there wasn’t drama to be had, savored, experienced, and solved? An entire romance where Nothing Happens would be dull indeed.

  The awesome thing about romance conflict is that it can be so completely ridiculous. Really. There can be some absolutely crazypants reasons for bringing the hero and heroine together. It’s no accident that most romance novels don’t often feature a “singles scene,” either. Most of the time, the couple in a romance find themselves together whether they like it or not, mostly due to conflict, drama, and massive wtf-ery.

  Consider the ways in which romance novel characters meet, and the problems that are created:

  In a bar when the heroine’s ex-boyfriend bets that the smoothest guy he knows won’t be able to get her phone number (Jennifer Crusie, Bet Me)

  At a formal ball in front of everyone they know, with not only their mothers but their grandmothers, great aunts, and assorted siblings in attendance (any number of historical romances)

  In an antiques shop where he tries to offend her with an obscenely decorated timepiece, and she not only buys the watch but the figure he was after as well (Loretta Chase, Lord of Scoundrels)

  At work, sort of, where she’s the state’s attorney working on a case and he’s the police officer in charge, and they reconnect when she overhears a murder and he’s assigned to the case (Julie James, Something About You)

  At her family home when he’s sent to marry her, sight unseen, because of a contract his father made, and she’s so appalled she dresses up so she’s 200 percent more fug-ugly, just to repel him (Catherine Coulter, Midsummer Magic)

  Next to her trailer after he’s directed to protect her (Patricia Briggs, Moon Called)

  In a cold, abandoned castle where he’s been hiding, and she’s been sent to kill him (Kresley Cole, A Hunger Like No Other)

  On a highway when she’s dressed as a giant beaver (Susan Elizabeth Phillips, Natural Born Charmer)

  In a parlor when she shoots him with his own gun (Georgette Heyer, Devil’s Cub)

  Under a tree when he falls drunkenly off a high branch onto her lap (Julia Quinn, Brighter Than the Sun)

  In a side parlor at a ball after she punched out some grabby-handed bonehead (Julia Quinn, The Duke and I)

  In a mountain cabin, unnerved but trying to be brave when a man shows up like an angry bear and wants to know what she’s doing sleeping in his bed (Jill Shalvis, Instant Attraction)

  See? Piece of cake! Just put together your romance-novel-inspired hunting kit. If it works for them, it’ll work for you. Just acquire a gun, a beaver suit, a betrothal agreement, some super glue, some Shakespeare, a bawdy antique, and go punch out and then shoot the person of your dreams. If only it were that easy to find a good beaver suit.

  After they meet, is it a short hop, skip, and a jump to happily-ever-after? Of course not. That would be boring and utterly unrealistic.

  Then again, the problems that romance protagonists face can be really quite cumbersome:

  He’s undead, immortal, and wants to kill her.

  The two of them must cohabitate or marry or both for upward of a calendar year to inherit big bucks-no whammies cashola in the amount of incredible wealth from a deceased and postmortem manipulative relative. (I have long said I wan
t to get a law degree and specialize in just that kind of will and testament, the kind that force people to marry.)

  They have been betrothed to one another since birth, or since the nuchal fold test at twelve weeks gestation—and of course they hate each other.

  He won her in a poker game with her wastrel piece of shit father and has to marry her or she faces ruin and he faces destitution, which is almost the same thing, except not.

  Her ex-husband, who is completely and utterly crazy, is stalking her across the country.

  Two words: Serial. Killer.

  They are working the same legal case from opposite sides of the bench.

  He’s a janitor; she’s a nun.

  They agree to pretend to be a couple, possibly even a betrothed one, and then break off the engagement at a set time, but of course they fall for one another.

  He is buying her father’s company, and he’s only doing it because he hates her old man, but secretly he lusts in his pants for her.

  It was supposed to be a one-night stand.

  He’s on a brief leave from active duty service.

  She has PTSD.

  She’s a werewolf.

  He’s the DJ; she’s the rapper.

  They had a Big Misunderstanding.

  If they have sex, the world will be destroyed.

  If they don’t have sex, the world will be destroyed, but they can’t stand each other.

  See? No shortage of conflict, problems, and obstacles to overcome, from the possible to the patently ridiculous. Yet beyond the ridiculous (and the heaving bosoms), romance novels create a space where every problem is solved and any conflict is worked through until it’s not such a conflict any more, or, at the least, it’s bearable and won’t harm the happy ending for the characters. Stuff gets worked out, and tough conversations are had in romance novels, all with beneficial results. So even if he’s an alien with the power to bench-press a building while undressing the heroine with his prehensile Jefferson Starship, the differences between them will be settled—and a hopeful, optimistic ending will be found.

  There’s a lot to learn from courtship and conflict resolution. When readers witness communication crises, and even big silly misunderstandings, they learn from the fictional example. Author Darlene Marshall says that romances are great for adjusting perspective to what matters and what can be a smaller (though often painful) problem: “I think reading romance novels, especially during rocky periods of my life when we had financial or health issues, helped me refocus on what’s really important. Too often I think we can end up in stale relationships, especially those of us who’ve been married since dinosaurs roamed the planet. Sometimes reading a great romance reminds me life is about the people we love, and that together we can weather crises and come out better for it.”

  Most often, in a romance novel, the hero and heroine aren’t looking for someone when they meet each other. In fact, amazing romance is often created when the two people aren’t sure they like each other that much, but get stuck together—sometimes even literally. Perhaps you might want to pack a little super glue in that beaver suit…just a thought.

  A reader who goes by the online handle Brussel Sprout says, “Romances established firmly in my mind that love is something worthwhile, worth hanging on for, and worth nurturing when you find it. Yes, the Emmentaler and Roquefort could be heavily layered, but the possibility that love can work is one that encouraged me to believe that I too would be able to have a sensible, sustainable relationship. I’ve been together with my husband for twenty years, married for sixteen, and I know that without romance novels, my love life would have been more chaotic and messy.”

  Plus, adds Shannon, seeing so many relationships intimately in fiction means additional clarity for her own relationships too: “When I was in a relationship that wasn’t working out, I think that I was able to assess things to figure out what was wrong more easily because I had read so many romance novels and had seen so many different types of relationships. Not to say that I started viewing my relationship as a story or something like that, but I could realize that, hey, our only communication this week was that text four days ago. This is a problem.”

  Liz Talley agrees: “I do agree that romance books promote communication as the root of a healthy relationship. Very seldom do you see this to be false in a romance book.”

  Reader Amanda sees romances as a lesson in speaking up, and not avoiding the scary, difficult, awkward conversation, especially when the plots are a little ridiculous: “I think many romance novels are a lesson in What Not to Do, because so many involve the same plotline: Eyes Meet, Love, BIG MISUNDERSTANDING, HEA. And, like anyone else, what always gets me is how avoidable the Big Misunderstanding is. All anyone ever has to say is, ‘Are you a spy?’ ‘I heard you killed your last wife,’ or ‘Did you make a bet that you could sleep with me within a month?’ I think romance novels have taught me to just be brave and throw the words out there in the first place. At least then everyone is on the same page.”

  Reba says that the depictions of women and men in romances are actually, in her opinion, more liberated emotionally and sexually than in other forms of entertainment: “I didn’t expect real men to be the same as romance novel heroes, any more than I expected them to be the same as fantasy novel heroes (and let’s face it, no man is going to live up to Aragorn, no matter how awesome he is), but one thing I found surprising was how sympathetic I was to the men.

  Looking to find your perfect match? Do it romance-novel style! Just acquire a gun, a beaver suit, a betrothal agreement, some super glue, some Shakespeare, a bawdy antique, and go punch out and then shoot the person of your dreams. If only it were that easy to find a good beaver suit.

  “They had feelings, thoughts, doubts, fears, stupid habits that got them into trouble. Their strength did not mean they were invulnerable. The most common tropes of movies, television, magazines, etc., about how men were or should be did not take into account their humanity until well after romance novels did. Male vulnerability was either a sign of weakness or illness, or the result of a devastating event—not part of the normal, everyday world of men as human beings. Yes, I’m generalizing, but the exceptions only prove the rule.

  “I think romance novels have taught me to just be brave and throw the words out there in the first place. At least then everyone is on the same page.”—AMANDA, A READER

  “It seemed to me that men were liberated in romance novels long before they were in other media. So reading romance made me a little more sensitive to things my partner might not be showing or able to put in words. While it would be no fun if fictional characters opened up and solved things right away…romance novels taught me that open communication could work wonders.”

  Sometimes, it’s the portrayal of the hero or heroine that causes the problem for the reader, one that can be overcome with a dose of common sense, reality, and humor. Some readers of romance do fall prey to the idea that Mr. Perfect will show up spontaneously, riding on a white horse (of course, of course), with marvelously groomed and suspiciously perfect hair and effortlessly minty breath, and as a result they miss some perfectly wonderful men in their real lives.

  Kerrie says that her romance habits weren’t helpful initially, but were a huge asset when it came to real relationships: “The romances I read throughout high school and even into college didn’t do me any favors because they pushed that Mr. Perfect image that can never EVER exist in real life. I chased that ideal for a while and finally wised up when I found a totally imperfect but wonderful guy. One thing that those books did teach me, however, was communication! It can shorten the length of any misunderstanding.”

  “I think reading romance novels especially during rocky periods of my life when we had financial or health issues, helped me refocus on what’s really important.”

  —DARLENE MARSHALL

  Of course, authors have learned from the experience of writing through conflict and witnessing it solved in their own lives. Romances have
helped Debbie Macomber with her own relationships. She says: “Reading romance novels and writing them, too, has given me an optimistic attitude, a recognition that if a couple cares enough, they can work through their conflicts. I can honestly say that romance novels have helped me think positively about my Wayne. We have our differences, but we’re a team, working together toward our shared goals.”

  Teresa Medeiros says that her own parents’ romance inspires her every day: “My own parents have spent fifty-plus years of marriage dealing with my mom’s bipolar disorder. When my dad said, ‘For better or worse, in sickness and in health,’ he meant it. Even though she’s now in a nursing home suffering from dementia, when he looks at her, he still sees the beautiful, brilliant girl he fell in love with all those years ago. That makes it so much easier for me to imagine my own characters growing old together while that first spark of passion deepens to a glowing ember, strong enough to last a lifetime.”

  “Reading romance novels and writing them, too, has given me an optimistic attitude, a recognition that if a couple cares enough, they can work through their conflicts.”

  —DEBBIE MACOMBER

  Christina Dodd says she receives a lot of comments from readers about hope and validation, and the possibility that bad things will get better, and that real and hurtful problems can be solved: “Readers thank me for giving them hope. This always makes my heart trill. Women, especially in these tough times, are getting the shit end of the stick, especially when they’re divorced or widowed or somehow left alone to raise their children. My stories are always about women who start out disadvantaged: poor, alone, helpless, badly treated, hopeless—any and all combinations. My heroines struggle against desperate odds, do what has to be done, and they make their way through the bad times until, by the end of the book, they have the life they want, the relationship they want, and the best sex in the history of the world. My heroines don’t usually start out strong, but they grow, change, and become the kind of people we readers strive to be. Readers thank me for shining a light on their own struggle and making them see the light at the end of the tunnel.