The Light: Who do you become when the world falls away? (New Dawn Book 1)

by Jacqueline Brown

  It took me a moment to remember where I was. I blinked. I could see the setting sun through the bedroom window. JP had been asked to give up his room to Sara, Blaise, and me. I remember walking in a daze to the house and asking if there was somewhere I could lie down. JP took my hand and led me to his room. I was asleep almost before I got my shoes off. Sleep had always been how I dealt with things. Whenever life was too much, I went to sleep and stayed asleep for as long as I could. Sometimes I saw my mom in my dreams. Sometimes she comforted me. It was the only place I ever saw her. I had no pictures of her.

  I heard the door open behind me. I wanted to turn to see who it was, but couldn’t summon the strength. A moment later JP’s nose was inches from my own. I blinked and jerked my head back.

  “I knew you’d wake up soon,” he said. “Come on, we’re eating ice cream for dinner and you don’t want to miss that.”

  He was right. I didn’t. Hunger had woken me. A hunger so intense I couldn’t sleep through it. He grabbed my hand and pulled me up. I groaned.

  “Don’t worry, you can go back to bed soon. I go to bed at eight. What time do you go to bed?” he asked.

  “Umm, I’m not sure. Do you know what time it is now?” I asked, straining to focus my mind. It wanted to sleep, but my body needed food.

  “It’s a little after five,” he answered, still holding my hand and leading me out the door.

  “How do you know?” I asked, shuffling slowly behind him.

  He continued to pull me out of the room. “We have an old clock downstairs. The light didn’t break it. Come on, let’s go,” he said.

  “Can I stop at the bathroom first?”

  “Sure, I’ll show you where it is. You can only flush if you poop. That’s what my mom said. And if you do flush, you have to use a scoop of water from the bucket to put into the back of the toilet. I’ll show you,” he said as we entered the bathroom.

  Sitting in the bathtub with a large plastic cup next to it, a large bucket held what looked like pond water.

  “How do you wash hands?” I asked. The dirty water in both the bucket and the toilet bowl made my stomach turn.

  “We have hand sanitizer downstairs,” he said before running out of the room. Through the door I could hear him thumping down the stairs, shouting, “She’s awake, she’s awake.”

  The bathroom was decorated for young children. A towel with butterflies hung on a rack next to a towel with appliquéd dinosaurs, and two toothbrushes, one purple and one red, were in a yellow holder. I wondered now how we would brush our teeth or bathe. Things that were so easy yesterday had suddenly become difficult.

  Glancing in the mirror before leaving the bathroom, I looked like I felt. I found a brush in one of the drawers and at least tamed my hair. I turned the faucet to wash my face, forgetting for a moment—nothing happened.

  I left the bathroom in search of hand sanitizer. I went back to JP’s room and found my purse, and inside it, my hand sanitizer next to my dead phone. Thoughts of my dad and Trent entered my mind and tears came to my eyes. I sat on JP’s solar system comforter and looked out the large window framed by solar system curtains.

  I could see Jonah outside, chopping firewood on one side of the barn. JP was running toward him. As I watched, he began loading some fallen pieces into a wheelbarrow. Sara stood nearby, no doubt flirting with Jonah. I shook my head. I dealt with stress by sleeping; she dealt with it by flirting. Neither was good, yet I couldn’t help but think her way was less good.

  On the other side of the barn East and Quinn pulled a red wagon with buckets in it, toward the house. I could see a line carved in the earth beyond the barn … a stream. That was our water supply. Josh and Blaise stood with Charlotte in a small fenced area between the house and the barn. I looked closer. It was a garden. That was our food supply, at least until the snow came. After that … I didn’t know. Perhaps this would all be over by then.

  * * *

  The walls were lined with family photos. Children laughing in trees, children laughing in front of waterfalls, children laughing with horses and dogs. A picture of East in a white dress in a church. Similar pictures of each boy in a black suit at the same church. A picture of Eli in a long robe, in front of a rectangular table. I think it’s called an altar. His family surrounding him, Quinn an infant in Charlotte’s arms. JP, no older than Quinn is now.

  I studied every picture. My dad had always been proud of the fact that I had never been in a church, never been “defiled by the lies,” as he would say. Now I wondered if that was true. These people were religious; perhaps my mother had been too.

  I stopped and stared. In a small silver picture frame I saw myself. My mouth fell open and I couldn’t breathe. This was my mother. I had never known how much I looked like her. I closed my eyes, but the tears poured forth anyway. I touched the glass between us, wishing she were real. I longed to feel her embrace.

  My memories of how she looked had always been fuzzy. I was so young when she died and all the pictures had been lost in the fire.

  I stood for a long while staring at that picture. Charlotte stood next to her in a cap and gown. Their arms around each other. It must have been Charlotte’s college graduation. Both were so happy. My mother would have been almost the age I was now. I never felt pretty, but looking at my mother it was easy to say she was beautiful. The way her eyes glowed with joy, they illuminated her whole face, her whole being. I don’t know that I have ever felt such joy.

  I heard Eli and Quinn playing somewhere below. I forced my breath to deepen and slow. I forced the air deep into my lungs. I had to calm myself before going downstairs. I used my sleeves to wipe away the tears. I summoned what strength I had and walked down the stairs. I turned toward their voices and found myself in the kitchen. The appliances were simple. No stainless steel anywhere. The floor was a light-colored wood with a high sheen. It looked nothing like the white marble floors and stainless steel appliances of my father’s kitchen.

  It opened into a family room, and a small bar separated the two rooms. A fire glowed in the nearby fireplace, but I could feel no heat. I wondered if there were other fireplaces, other sources of heat. I hoped so.

  Eli and Quinn sat coloring by the fireplace. Quinn was lucky to have brothers. I had always wanted one. Always wished I wasn’t an only child. Above them two large guns—rifles—were lying awkwardly on the mantel, as if placed there quickly to keep the kids from reaching them. A man with graying hair, and the same muscular build as Jonah and Eli, sat on a couch near them, reading and taking notes on a yellow legal pad. It looked as if he were sketching a diagram of some sort.

  I cleared my throat to announce my arrival.

  “Good morning,” Eli said, standing.

  Quinn saw me and hid behind her brother. She was so shy, nothing like JP.

  “Good evening,” I said, my voice sounding strange to my ears. Tired and weak.

  Quinn peeked out from her brother’s side and looked at me. I wondered if she heard the strangeness.

  The man walked toward me. “You really are your mother’s twin,” he said.

  I did what I could to smile. Quinn watched me. I knew she could see through me. I knew she knew I was about to burst into tears.

  “Forgive me, I’m Quint. Charlotte’s husband, your godfather.” I could tell he wanted to give me a hug or in some way touch me to make sure I wasn’t imagined. But he held back.

  “Nice to meet you,” I said, forcing myself to breathe—and not cry. I wanted to find Blaise or Sara or even Josh. I needed my friends. Needed their support in the twilight zone that had become our lives.

  “This all must be so strange to you. You don’t know us. Yet, you are like our lost daughter come home,” he said, fighting back the emotion that emerged through his words.

  I flinched when a door slammed shut somewhere nearby. JP ran into the room, followed by Jonah, East, and Sara.

  “We’re back. Is it time for ice cream yet?” JP asked, running to his dad.

&nb
sp; “Almost. Go find your mom. She’s in our room,” Quint said, looking at his son.

  “Okay.” JP ran out of the room as quickly as he’d run in. He was like a force of nature. Nothing seemed to slow him.

  I exhaled and looked at Sara. I begged her to help me, to get me out of this room and away from these people I didn’t know, but who knew me.

  She understood my expression. Jonah saw it too and looked away. East didn’t notice. She looked only at Quinn, walking to her and taking her in her arms.

  “Bria, will you come with me to find Blaise and Josh?” Sara asked.

  I nodded, following her out of the room.

  Next to the kitchen was a small hallway with a bench and lots of shoes. We stepped over the multitude of shoes that must have been JP’s and went out the back door.

  The air was cold, the sun setting. I zipped the thin running jacket; it offered almost no warmth. I crossed my arms around my body. Sara was silent as we walked toward the garden.

  She must be exhausted. They all must be. The five or so hours I slept did little to alleviate the exhaustion. My legs felt like tree trunks beneath me, slowly, painfully moving forward. The cold assaulted me. I wanted to be in my warm apartment, sitting on the couch, cuddled in a blanket, watching a movie. Never again. I knew the answer to the question I didn’t have the courage to ask. Never again would I have those things. Never again would anyone have those things.

  Josh and Blaise looked up as we approached. The small gate of the garden slammed shut behind us.

  Blaise and Josh walked toward us. “Hey, how are you?” she asked.

  I burst into tears. “I saw a picture of my mom,” I said between sobs.

  Blaise and Sara both held me as I cried. I felt Josh’s hand on my back. They were silent.

  “What are you feeling?” Blaise asked, when I finally pulled away and wiped my eyes.

  “I don’t even know. It’s all just so weird,” I said once the tears stopped.

  “You can say that again,” Josh said.

  “Josh!” Blaise said.

  “What? It is totally weird. All of this is totally weird. The world as we know it ends and we are stranded with strangers who in fact are Bria’s long-lost family she never knew she had. It’s weird!” he said.

  “Or fate,” Sara said.

  “What?” I sniffed.

  “Like Josh said. This is weird, way too weird to be random,” Sara said, looking at me.

  I didn’t know what she meant and didn’t care. Not right now.

  “Why didn’t I know these people existed? That I had family down here? My dad always made it seem like the fire destroyed everything we had. Our house, our belongings …. my mom. He never said anything about anyone else being in our lives, about anyone else caring about me,” I said, feeling the sense of betrayal rise within me.

  “I’m sure he couldn’t deal with it after your mom died,” Josh said. The wind blew harder as he spoke. I pulled my thin running jacket tighter around my shivering body.

  “That was eighteen years ago. It seems like at some point in the last eighteen years he should have told me I had godparents. That I had people who loved me,” I said, almost whispering the last part.

  I had always felt so alone in the world. My mom left me, not by choice, but by death. My father left me at the same time. If he felt any real love for me, he kept it hidden. He was around on nights and weekends. During the day I had nannies, some nicer than others. He always made sure someone was at my dance recital and gymnastic meet, but it was never him.

  He blamed it on work. He was good at his job and was one of the highest-paid defense attorneys in the country. I followed some of his cases. I couldn’t help but think that he was so well paid because he didn’t care who he defended. Guilt or innocence, good or bad, meant nothing to him. If you could pay his fee, you could have him.

  I always had the best clothes, went to the best schools, had the most expensive cars. But the price I paid, or the price he made me think I had to pay for those things, was my dad. Now I wasn’t so sure. I think that was the lie he told to justify his behavior. The truth was he didn’t want to be around me.

  “Until you guys entered my life, I never felt like anyone cared about me. And now these people say I’m their long-lost daughter. Quint almost cried when he saw me. You saw Charlotte’s reaction when she saw me. They love me. Not for my stuff or how powerful my father is, but because I am part of their family. Their goddaughter. I feel like my life has been a lie. My father has lied to me, and I don’t understand why. I feel betrayed by the one person who was never supposed to betray me.”

  “I’m sure when you’re ready, Charlotte and Quint will answer any questions you have. If they knew you and your mom, they knew your dad too,” Blaise said, her arm still around me.

  I felt weak leaning on her, but I was too cold to pull away. “Maybe … when I’m ready,” I said.

  * * *

  It was dark as we walked back to the house in silence. The wind blew, the temperature was dropping. I was glad tonight we would have shelter.

  The hallway by the back door was dark. A faint light glowed around the corner. The sound of family filled the space. A sound I’d only heard when visiting the houses of friends or on TV.

  Everyone was in the kitchen and the family room. The rooms were lit by the fire and a few candles.

  JP and Quinn were arguing over the chocolate ice cream. I didn’t feel like eating, but I was starving. In twenty-four hours I’d had half a granola bar. Realizing that made me dizzy.

  “Help yourselves. Even in the deep freeze this was already getting soft. We might as well eat it while we have the chance,” Charlotte said as she sat with her bowl of ice cream on one of the bar stools at the kitchen counter.

  Several different types of ice cream sat in the kitchen sink. Someone had laid out four bowls, four spoons, and four glasses for us.

  “We boiled some water. It’s in that pitcher if you want any,” Quint said from his place at the kitchen table.

  “Thank you. This is very nice of you,” Blaise answered. She poured four glasses of water, handing one to each of us. I didn’t realize how thirsty I was until the moment the water hit my lips. Once it started I couldn’t stop. The thirst overpowered me. I filled another glass and drank half of it before the thirst was tolerable.

  “Thank you for letting us stay here,” I said, my voice cracking. I lowered my head to look at the ice cream. I stood between Blaise and Sara.

  Blaise put her hand on my back. “We were lucky to meet Jonah and East on the road. It’s difficult to imagine where we would be if we hadn’t,” she said.

  “Luck had nothing to do with it,” East said from her spot at the table.

  “What do you mean?” I asked, wondering if East and Sara had been talking.

  “There’s no way all of this is random. It’s not just coincidence that the only car on the highway within miles of us happened to have the daughter of my mom’s best friend in it. The daughter she hadn’t seen in eighteen years,” East said, spoon in hand, looking at me, her tone harsh.

  “I don’t know how it could be anything but coincidence. It’s not like I arranged all of this.” I felt heat rise to my cheeks.

  “Relax, Bri. She meant it wasn’t coincidence, it was God,” Sara said, scooping the last bit of strawberry ice cream into her bowl.

  “Oh,” I said. “That seems even more unlikely than me setting all this up,” I said under my breath as I scooped rocky road into a bowl. Only Charlotte was close enough to hear. She looked at me as I scooped, but said nothing.

  I sat next to her. Sara took a seat at the kitchen table; I knew she would. There was an empty one next to Jonah. Blaise and Josh sat beside me.

  “What should we have tomorrow for dinner? Chocolate cake?” Eli teased JP.

  They were making the best of the situation. I knew this, but it bothered me. It was as if they were making light of it all. As if it were a temporary power outage and not what it was
.

  “I was thinking tomorrow we could do Thanksgiving. Or some version of it. We have the turkey and casseroles made up in the fridge. I was too distracted today to think about them, but we have to eat them tomorrow or throw them out,” Charlotte said, turning her body toward her family as she spoke.

  “How will we cook things?” East asked.

  There was silence for a moment. I couldn’t help but wonder how we would do most of the things we had done before.

  “What if we made a sort of oven to go on top of the fire pit?” Jonah suggested. He was leaning toward Eli as he spoke. Sara sat so close to him he didn’t have much choice.

  “That could work. What would we use to make it?” Eli asked.

  “We could take the inside drum out of the washing machine,” Quint said.

  Charlotte spun on her barstool to face the table. “The washing machine?” Charlotte sounded confused.

  Quint looked at her. “Why not? It’s not like it’s going to be washing any clothes now,” Quint said. “And we need an oven.”

  Charlotte turned back to her bowl of ice cream. She took another bite. “I guess,” she mumbled.

  The three Page men, Sara, and East spent the rest of dinner discussing how to best disassemble the washing machine and turn it into an oven. The rest of us stayed out of the conversation. I focused on my ice cream, trying to forever remember the taste of chocolate and marshmallows. I wondered if I would ever eat rocky road ice cream again. Sugar, dairy, everything I had taken for granted were now things I would probably never have again.

  Charlotte sat silent next to me. I imagined she was trying not to be upset about the destruction of her washing machine and, probably more than that, trying not to be upset that what had once been important to her daily life no longer was.

  After my third helping of ice cream, Quinn left her place at the table and walked over to Charlotte.

  “Momma,” her little voice squeaked, “I want to go to bed.”

  “Not me!” JP announced as he jumped up from his spot at the table and threw his bowl in the sink.