Searching for Tomorrow (Tomorrows)

by Kathryn McNeill Crane

  “I sold the house in Smyrna as soon as I could. I just couldn’t take one more minute under the snooping eyes of my in-laws. Mr. Tidwell and I had only been married for seven years, and his parents didn’t approve of me even after he was dead. No matter what I did, I could never win their approval. I wore the right kind of clothes. I went to the proper country clubs. I entertained the high society people. I even joined their little, old country church. But no move I made was good enough for them.”

  Now, I should probably just keep my mouth shut right now, but this sounds exactly like the way she has always treated me. If she hated it so much, why did she choose to repeat the same pattern with me? I have to ask because it is something I have wondered about since Tripp and I went to see her after he joined the Army. “If you hated the way you think they treated you, why do you treat me the same way? I have never been able to figure out how to please you, no matter what I say or do. Why do you, as you say, loathe me?”

  “Are you really so stupid? After all that I’ve told you, how can you not understand? I have no use for you at all. It was always the money. Channing’s father had inherited a fortune from his grandfather. When Channing was just a few weeks old, Mr. Tidwell kept part of the money for us to live on, but he put most of it into an irrevocable trust for Channing to receive when he turned thirty. Mr. Tidwell planned to tell Channing on his twenty-first birthday, but he died long before that. After Mr. Tidwell’s death, I liquidated every asset I could as fast as I could, left that town, and never once looked back. The only thing I kept from that time was the house that Channing and I lived in when we first moved here. Mr. Tidwell had bought it for when he retired.”

  Once again, she walks a few steps away, twisting her hands and mumbling to herself. I lean forward from the waist, straining to hear what she’s saying, but am unable to. When she turns, I straighten immediately and hope she doesn’t notice my curiosity. “The first thing I started doing was buying up local property and investing my money in improvements. Within five years, I had made enough money to replace every dime I’d spent, plus some. Now I own half the town, and have enough money in the bank that I will never have to worry about being poor or hungry again. My latest acquisition is the trust that Mr. Tidwell set up for Channing. That stupid boy did all the work for me when he got himself killed. Who knew that it would be so easy?”

  The idea that Tripp would have come into a trust this year, had he lived, seems almost funny. We lived very frugally on his salary from the Army, not that we had much choice.

  When Tripp and I got married, Papa and Nana gave us their ‘summer retreat’, the house that the girls and I now live in. They wanted to make sure that Tripp always had a place to call home, and return to when he was on leave. Nana passed away a couple of years after Annie was born, and Papa made sure that Tripp and I received everything that she had wanted us to have. We used part of that money to pay off my college loans, and invested the rest. When Tripp died three years ago and Maggie was born, Papa came to live with the girls and me. Though getting on up in age, he was such a big help, and we all fell deeper in love with the warm, patient, caring man that he was. When he fell last year cleaning out our gutters and broke his back, it didn’t take long for his heart to follow Nana’s on to Heaven. As his only living family, the girls and I were also his only heirs. Only the thought of him now being with Nana and Tripp again gives me a small amount of comfort. I can only hope that they don’t see how miserable I am, and how very much I miss them.

  “Mother Tidwell, I guess I am still a little confused. If you’ve kept this secret for so long, why are you telling me now? What do you hope to gain from me knowing about it?”

  “I kept it secret because I wanted to make sure that you and your three little brats weren’t in some way entitled to receive even a small portion of it. If that had been the case, I would have done everything within my power to keep you from getting one red cent. I’ve had my lawyers working on finding me an answer for almost three years, and they assure me that the money is all mine to do with as I see fit. I earned that money the old-fashioned way, on my back. I slept with that mean old miser and I sacrificed the best years of my life to raise his brat, so I am only taking my payment now. I made sure he had everything he needed to live comfortably, so no one can complain about that.”

  Her words make me nauseous. She thinks she gave him everything he needed. What a crock. “How can you say that you gave him everything he needed? He needed a mother. He needed love. He needed acceptance. You never gave him any of those.” I can feel the anger rising, and quite frankly, I am tired of pushing it down.

  “Do you know what he said on 9/11? He said that when he first moved here, he was just a little boy whose father was dead and whose mother couldn’t stand to be around him. Do you even realize that he might still be here with us if you’d shown him one ounce of affection, a smidgen of approval? He loved you until the day he died. He wanted you to accept him, but he could never do anything right in your eyes.” Fury rolls through my body, starting at my feet. By the time it reaches my head, I feel as if I am about to burst. The words are just flying from my mouth and the more I speak, the louder I get.

  “You may have given him material possessions, but you never gave him the one thing he wanted and needed. A mother. Thank God, my mom and dad have huge hearts, because after Mr. Tidwell’s death, my parents were the only parents that Tripp had. They loved him for who he was; they didn’t just merely tolerate him for what he could give them. I promise you that Tripp knew the love of a mother. It just wasn’t from you. You can keep your money. I promise that you don’t have one single, solitary thing that my girls or I need. Now you can just leave us alone in peace and quit trying to destroy the family that I have left. We Brouns may not have much, but what we do have is the love and respect of the people in this town. You leave Liam’s business alone, or what you’ve told me today becomes public knowledge and you’ll find yourself run out of this town so quick you won’t know what hit you. And I’ll tell you one other thing before I walk out of this door and out of your life. I feel sorry for the pathetic, weak, money-hungry person that you are. No wonder I could never meet your standards. Here I thought I wasn’t aiming high enough when I guess that all along I should have been aiming for the dung pile where you live. Goodbye and good riddance.”

  With that last statement, I proudly lift my head, walk out the door, and gently close it behind me. I take just a moment to let the feeling of finality seep in, and with an amazing feeling of freedom, I head to the car to reclaim my life WITHOUT the ogre.

  Chapter Eight

  Past

  For years, I’ve heard a song that talks about how time keeps on slipping into the future. With so much that I wanted to hold on to, time seemed to fly like that eagle into the areas of my unknown. I wanted to just stand still in one place, scream STOP at the top of my lungs, and pray that Father Time heard me.

  October rolled around, bringing with it cooler temperatures, burnished autumn leaves, an air of excitement around Fall Festival and Halloween preparations, and the most dreaded of times for me—Tripp’s eighteenth birthday.

  It had been over a month since the events that rocked our nation to its core. September eleventh seemed to draw American citizens together. Personal differences, political disparities, and even religious affiliations seemed to be put aside, and America once again truly seemed to be ‘one nation, under God, indivisible’. Not one day passed without the mention of Ground Zero, and the tireless, amazing recovery efforts going on there. People from around our nation, and even around the world, were doing what they felt was their part in the efforts, whether physically or financially. The sense of patriotism was remarkable.

  In the midst of all the confusion and anger over what had been determined to be a known terrorist attack on America, I found myself heading towards a very dark place and had no idea how to pull myself out of it. It was beyond my understanding how a group of people could so blatantly and intentionally
cause such mass confusion, destruction, and death in the name of their god.

  These very events were responsible for the fact that my Tripp had met with an Army recruiter, and was planning to enlist on his eighteenth birthday in a few days. He had asked me to make the drive with him to Sylva so that he could introduce me to the recruiter, and afterwards, he had a special date night planned for us. Mom and Dad were letting me skip school that day so that I could go. This daytrip would be one of the first that Liam didn’t go on with us, but he was so excited for Tripp that I didn’t ask any questions. I couldn’t figure out what had Liam so excited, but he wasn’t sharing anything with me.

  Mom and Dad tried to be understanding about my slide towards a melancholy state. I struggled so hard to keep from slipping over the edge, but my heart was splintering into a million pieces. At times, I thought that I was simply being selfish, and then I would catch a glimpse of the news and hear about the impending deployment of thousands of troops. I couldn’t stop the thought that that could be my Tripp very soon. I was thankful that I would have him for at least a few weeks after graduation, and I really felt compassion towards the thousands of parents, spouses, children, and friends who would go to bed and wake up every morning with a prayer of safety for the loved one that was in harm’s way. I too prayed for all of these people. I had even started begging and pleading with God to keep my Tripp safe even though he was still with me.

  Tuesday night found us all together at the dining room table celebrating Tripp’s birthday one night early, since Tripp had plans for us the next evening. My mom cooked a big pot roast with lot of vegetables, mashed potatoes and gravy, and cornbread. After supper, she brought out a big seven-layer cake with fudge icing and eighteen flaming candles. I just couldn’t join the others in singing “Happy Birthday.” Instead, I laid my head in the crook of Tripp’s neck and quietly wept at the passing of another year. Tripp kept me nestled close to him with one arm tight around me, and fed me small bites of cake, trying his best to help me shake off the blues that I’d been feeling.

  “Wrynn, baby. You’re killing me.” Tripp’s voice was soft, his breath warm on my ear. He placed a kiss on my head. “You know I don’t want to leave you, but this is something I have to do. If I stay, if I don’t do this, I will regret it for the rest of my life.”

  “Oh Tripp, I know that. I’m not trying to make this hard, I promise. It just tears me up to think that pretty soon you won’t be here, and I just don’t know how I’ll make it without you. You’re such a huge part of my life and I just don’t want to say goodbye.” With an anguished voice, the hurt was evident in every word I spoke. I tried so hard to rein in my emotions, but I could literally feel my heart cracking under the weight.

  Tripp lifted my chin with his fingers, and brought his eyes level to mine. “It’s not goodbye. I love you with everything I am, and I want to spend the rest of my life showing you just how much I do love you. I’m just signing up, that’s all. We’ve got until the end of the school year to plan the rest of our lives.” He kissed the tears that streamed down my face. “Don’t give up on me now.”

  The tormented look in his eyes told of the hurt I was causing by my actions, and I became determined to keep my agony hidden as best I could. I would need supernatural strength, though, to try to keep a happy face on. I brought my hand up to the back of his head and pulled his lips to mine. Where I intended just a quick kiss, Tripp obviously had other ideas. He brought both his hands to my face and kissed me as if our lives depended on it. I forgot everything but the feel of his lips, the way his tongue danced with mine, the heat from his body that made me want to crawl into his lap. This kiss could have gone on forever … but unfortunately, Mom, Dad, and Liam were still sitting at the table, too.

  “Uhm, guys, would y’all like for us to leave?” Liam’s barely contained laughter was evident in his voice. “You know, Mom made hot chocolate to drink around the bonfire, but really, this is much more entertaining.”

  I heard a chuckle from my dad, and my mom let out a deep sigh and said, “Maybe it’s time for that hot cocoa. Come on. We’ll meet you out back. You’ve got two minutes to finish this up before one of us comes back in to get you. Don’t make me regret it.”

  With that said, I heard chairs scraping back from the table, but the only person I saw was Tripp. He was the center of my focus. His eyes roamed my face. I could feel the heat between the two of us rise to new heights. I was excited and scared at the same time. My family had never left us alone for very long but it seemed that things were changing, some good, and some bad.

  With a groan, Tripp placed one more kiss on my lips. “You’re my everything. You’re the reason I breathe, the reason I live. I can’t imagine my life without you. I’ve loved you forever, and that love will never die.” He released me, stood from the table, and took my hand, gently pulling me to my feet. We headed through the kitchen to the back door and saw my family sitting around the bonfire, waiting on us.

  Our first snow flurries of the season had come this morning, so we sat around a fire we’d built in the backyard watching the snow, talking, and remembering the last ten years that Tripp had been with our family. Mom’s hot chocolate was delicious and it helped keep the cold at bay. With the wind blowing and the temperature dropping, Tripp never let me leave the warmth of his body. He kept me tucked close, keeping me warm and cozy all night. We stayed by the fire until the logs became cinders, and our feet became ice cubes. It was definitely a night that I would never forget.

  The following morning, I woke to a beautiful, sunny, but brisk autumn day. This was the day I was dreading—October 31. I just wanted to pull the covers over my head and go back to sleep. I was not looking forward to this day starting. I hoped my mom had plenty of coffee to go with breakfast, because we had all stayed up late last night celebrating Tripp’s birthday. I stretched my arms above my head and yawned loudly. I found myself very torn. On one hand, Tripp was going to sign up today. On the other hand, Tripp and I were going to be spending the whole day together, alone. I felt as if someone had taken all my emotions, thrown them up in the air, and let the pieces fall. I needed to make an extra effort to keep my emotions buried or at least held closer to me. The thought that I was hurting Tripp only served to make me feel worse. Because hurting Tripp meant hurting myself, and I just knew that there would be lots more pain and hurt in my future.

  I could hear the shower from the hall bathroom and knew that either Tripp or Liam was getting ready for the day. Thankfully, Dad had added a bathroom just for me when we hit our teenage years. What girl wants to share a bathroom with two boys? Not this one. I stumbled from the bed and headed towards my bathroom for my own shower to see if it could help wake me up. Afterwards, I headed towards the kitchen and noticed that Mom had breakfast on the stove, bacon already on the table, and two carafes of coffee waiting on the counter. I could always count on Mom to know what I needed.

  I sat down at my place at the table, and as I grabbed a piece of bacon, hands covered my eyes making it impossible for me to see. I didn’t need to see those hands to know who was behind me. They were as familiar to me as my own. “Good morning, baby. Been up long?”

  “Mmm, I’m not sure what smells better, you or the bacon.” Tripp’s words turned into laughter as he snaked an arm around me, grabbed the bacon from my hand, and ate the piece in one bite. “I know this bacon sure does taste good. But I bet you taste better.” He leaned over and placed a kiss on my lips.

  “Well, you taste like bacon, and it seems to have turned you into a thief. Just for that, you get to fix me a cup of coffee.” I loved the way he kept the conversation light. Of course, Tripp knew me almost as well as I knew myself. He knew that I would need laughter to make it through this morning.

  Tripp let out a chuckle, headed for the cabinet where we kept the coffee cups, and pulled down my favorite mug. He had given it to me when we were in the ninth grade, and it said, “GRITS: Girls Raised In The South,” with flip-flops in a rainbow of colo
rs decorating it. “What happens if you ever break the mug? Do you think we’ll be able to find a new one? Maybe I should start looking for another just in case.”

  Leave it to Tripp to try to take my mind off things by talking about coffee cups. I guess I looked more tense than I had thought. I really needed to find a way to lift my spirits. “Hey, where in Sylva are you taking me for lunch? Is Soul Infusion still open? Their veal Marsala was the best I’ve ever eaten. Oh, but I don’t think it’s open that early. I’m pretty sure they’re closed until suppertime.”

  “I was thinking we might do something else for lunch, but you just let me handle it. There’s no need for you to worry about it. You know that I won’t forget to feed us.” Tripp wiggled his eyebrows at me while he rubbed his tight stomach. As if he had one single ounce of fat on his athletic body.

  Like most teenage girls, I always moaned and complained about my butt, hips, and thighs. To me, they had always seemed flabby and large, but Tripp was always the first to speak up when I voiced my thoughts. I was thankful that Tripp found me attractive, but I just didn’t see myself the way he did. I tried to watch what I ate, but with two teenage boys in the house, food was plentiful and prepared, to give my boys the energy and staying power that they needed to play their sports. I guess if it had been extremely important to me, Mom and I could have worked out an alternate menu, but I really didn’t want to create extra work for her.

  “Well, after we go to your appointment, do you want take a hike or something? I really have no idea what you have planned for today. I kinda need to know so that I can figure out what to wear, and I need to know if I should bring extra shoes or a sweatshirt with me.” I narrowed my eyes at Tripp, hoping that he would give me some sort of clue as to where we were going and what we were doing. He had been very mysterious about his plans for the day. I knew that he had talked it over with my mom and dad, and Liam, but they sure weren’t sharing anything with me.