The Language of Flowers

by Vanessa Diffenbaugh

  The vineyard was silent. Hazel pulled away from Elizabeth, looking out over the grapevines, to the house. Her sleepy eyes tracked the roofline to the upstairs windows. When she turned in my direction, she startled, as if she’d forgotten I was there, and then she smiled, a slow, shy, radiant smile. Reaching for me, she squealed in delight, and the high-pitched noise broke a fine line into my nut-covered heart as cleanly as it would have split a delicate crystal glass.

  I pulled her to me. We slid down from the tractor and crouched in the vines. Hazel pressed her face into a cluster of grapes, and I joined her. Picking one, I pierced it open with my teeth and gave a tiny sliver to Hazel. She had already been taught. Together we chewed the skin, swished the soft middle from cheek to cheek.

  I smiled. 75/7. The grapes were ripe.

  7.

  I placed my blue box on the bookshelf, in the empty space next to Grant’s orange one. The cloth-covered boxes fit snuggly between a botany textbook and a poetry anthology, in the space they’d occupied when Grant and I had lived in the water tower together the year before.

  It was Thanksgiving Day. All morning I’d helped Grant, chopping vegetables and whipping potatoes and cutting roses for the table. Any moment, Elizabeth would arrive. Hazel, too. Grant wanted everything to be perfect. When I’d left him in the kitchen, he’d been pacing in front of the gravy, checking the temperature of the oven often enough to let out most of the hot air. The turkey wouldn’t be ready until late evening, but it didn’t matter to me. I wasn’t going anywhere.

  I’d left the vineyard only twice since tasting the grapes with my daughter, once to help Marlena with a five-hundred-guest wedding—our biggest yet—and the second time, just the day before, to pack up my things. After emptying the apartment, I’d driven to The Gathering House and knocked on the front door, offering free rent in exchange for work as a floral assistant. Two girls volunteered, and I hired them on the spot, driving them back to the apartment. Marlena had been waiting, nervous, and I watched as she showed the girls around and then went over the calendar. They listened quietly as she described the many tasks for which they would be responsible. Afterward, I turned to leave, confident I would not be needed in the near future, but Marlena pulled me aside, desperation in her eyes. “But they don’t know the flowers,” she’d whispered.

  “Neither did you,” I’d reminded her, but she didn’t look entirely reassured. I promised her I’d be back, soon. I just needed a little more time.

  Pulling Grant’s heavy green duffel bag to the third floor, I thought about the promise I’d made to Marlena. I loved Message, loved the look on my brides’ faces when I handed over their wedding scrolls, loved the thank-you cards that poured in every day with the mail. We were building something, Marlena and I. Bethany and Ray had already booked Message for their first, fifth, and tenth wedding anniversaries. Bethany credited me for the fulfillment she’d found in her relationship; I credited her with the growing success of my business. I would not let her down, and I would not let Marlena down, either.

  It would be possible, someday, to have a business and a family, both. I would commute back to San Francisco in the mornings and return in time for dinner like any other working mother. I would pick Hazel up from Elizabeth’s and buckle her into her car seat, drive her back to the flower farm, and sit with her at the long dining room table. Grant would have dinner made, and we would chop Hazel’s food into tiny pieces and talk about our day, marveling over the growth of our businesses, our daughter, our love. On days off we would take Hazel to the beach, Grant carrying her on his shoulders until she was old enough to run safely among the waves, her footprints in the sand growing with each passing month.

  One day, I would be able to do it all.

  But not yet.

  Right now, I knew it would require all my strength and attention to rejoin my family. Though she was worried, Marlena understood. The task ahead of me was great. I needed to accept Grant’s love, and Elizabeth’s, and earn the love of my daughter. I needed to never, under any circumstance, leave any of them again.

  The idea filled me with equal parts joy and terror.

  I’d lived with Grant before, and failed. I’d lived with Elizabeth; I’d lived with Hazel. Each time, I had failed.

  This time, I told myself, looking around Grant’s old bedroom, it would be different. This time, I would take smaller steps, and enter our unconventional family in a way that I knew I could handle. From breast-feeding I had learned the dangers of throwing myself fully into something and risking a complete collapse. It was why I had decided, for now, to live in the water tower alone. Hazel would remain with Elizabeth, visiting more and more often, and for longer periods of time. As my fear eventually turned to trust—in my family, but mostly in myself—I would move in to the main house with Grant, and we would bring Hazel to live with us. Less than a mile away, Elizabeth would be our support. And the water tower, Grant promised, would always be mine for a brief escape, a moment of solitude. It was everything I needed to stay.

  I unzipped my bag and began to transfer my belongings, stacking jeans and T-shirts and shoes in the corners, hanging blouses and belts on a row of rusty nails on the wall. Outside, the front gate squeaked open. I went to the window and watched Elizabeth push a stroller through the opening, returning to latch the gate. Hazel’s patent-leather shoes peeked out from beneath a wide canvas hat, pulled low to shield the sun from her face.

  I found my only dress inside the duffel bag and shook it out. Undressing quickly, I slipped it over my head. The dress was a black cotton shirtwaist with a thin, cloth-covered belt of the same fabric. I pushed my feet into my dark red flats and fastened a crystal necklace Elizabeth had given me around my neck, one Hazel liked to grab.

  Combing my fingers through my short hair, I returned to the window. Elizabeth had reached the bottom porch step, where she braked the stroller and pushed up the shade. Hazel squinted into the sunlight. Her eyes traveled up the water tower, and I waved from behind the third-story window. She smiled and reached up, as if wanting me to pull her out of the stroller.

  Elizabeth saw her outstretched arms and leaned over to pick her up. With the baby on her hip, she reached under the stroller and pulled something out of a storage area beneath the seat, holding it up for me to see.

  A ladybug-shaped backpack. Inside, I knew, were Hazel’s pajamas, diapers, and a change of clothes. Elizabeth’s face was joyful and determinedly brave; mine, I knew, was the same. Looking at my daughter filled me with a love I once thought myself incapable of feeling, and I thought about what Grant had said the afternoon I reappeared in his rose garden. If it was true that moss did not have roots, and maternal love could grow spontaneously, as if from nothing, perhaps I had been wrong to believe myself unfit to raise my daughter. Perhaps the unattached, the unwanted, the unloved, could grow to give love as lushly as anyone else.

  Tonight, my daughter would spend the night for the first time. We would read books and rock in her rocking chair. Afterward, we would try to sleep. Maybe she would be scared, and maybe I would feel overwhelmed, but we would try again the next week and the one after that. Over time, we would learn each other, and I would learn to love her like a mother loves a daughter, imperfectly and without roots.

  Victoria’s Dictionary of Flowers

  Abutilon (Abutilon) … Meditation

  Acacia (Acacia) … Secret love

  Acanthus (Acanthus) … Artifice

  Agapanthus (Agapanthus) … Love letter

  Allium (Allium) … Prosperity

  Almond blossom (Amygdalus communis) … Indiscretion

  Aloe (Aloe vera) … Grief

  Alstroemeria (Alstroemeria) … Devotion

  Alyssum (Lobularia maritima) … Worth beyond beauty

  Amaranth (Amaranthus) … Immortality

  Amaryllis (Hippeastrum) … Pride

  Anemone (Anemone) … Forsaken

  Angelica (Angelica pachycarpa) … Inspiration

  Apple (Malus domestica) … Tem
ptation

  Apple blossom (Malus domestica) … Preference

  Aster (Aster) … Patience

  Azalea (Rhododendron) … Fragile and ephemeral passion

  Baby’s breath (Gypsophila paniculata) … Everlasting love

  Bachelor’s button (Centaurea cyanus) … Single blessedness

  Basil (Ocimum basilicum) … Hate

  Bay leaf (Laurus nobilis) … I change but in death

  Begonia (Begonia) … Caution

  Bellflower (Campanula) … Gratitude

  Bells of Ireland (Moluccella laevis) … Good luck

  Bird of paradise (Strelitzia reginae)… Magnificence

  Blackberry (Rubus)… Envy

  Black-eyed Susan (Rudbeckia)… Justice

  Bluebell (Hyacinthoides non-scripta) … Constancy

  Bougainvillea (Bougainvillea spectabilis) … Passion

  Bouvardia (Bouvardia) … Enthusiasm

  Broom (Cytisus) … Humility

  Buttercup (Ranunculus acris) … Ingratitude

  Cabbage (Brassica oleracea) … Profit

  Cactus (Opuntia)… Ardent love

  Calla lily (Zantedeschia aethiopica) … Modesty

  Camellia (Camellia) … My destiny is in your hands

  Candytuft (Iberis) … Indifference

  Canterbury bells (Campanula medium) … Constancy

  Carnation, pink (Dianthus caryophyllus) … I will never forget you

  Carnation, red (Dianthus caryophyllus) … My heart breaks

  Carnation, striped (Dianthus caryophyllus) … I cannot be with you

  Carnation, white (Dianthus caryophyllus) … Sweet and lovely

  Carnation, yellow (Dianthus caryophyllus) … Disdain

  Celandine (Chelidonium majus) … Joys to come

  Chamomile (Matricaria recutita) … Energy in adversity

  Cherry blossom (Prunus cerasus) … Impermanence

  Chervil (Anthriscus) … Sincerity

  Chestnut (Castanea sativa) … Do me justice

  Chicory (Cichorium intybus) … Frugality

  Chrysanthemum (Chrysanthemum) … Truth

  Cinquefoil (Potentilla) … Beloved daughter

  Clematis (Clematis) … Poverty

  Clove (Syzygium aromaticum) … I have loved you and you have not known it

  Clover, white (Trifolium) … Think of me

  Cockscomb (Celosia) … Affectation

  Columbine (Aquilegia) … Desertion

  Coreopsis (Coreopsis) … Always cheerful

  Coriander (Coriandrum sativum) … Hidden worth

  Corn (Zea mays) … Riches

  Cosmos (Cosmos bipinnatus) … Joy in love and life

  Cowslip (Primula veris) … Pensiveness

  Crab-apple blossom (Malus hupehensis) … Ill-tempered

  Cranberry (Vaccinium) … Cure for heartache

  Crocus (Crocus) … Youthful gladness

  Currant (Ribes) … Thy frown will kill me

  Cyclamen (Cyclamen) … Timid hope

  Cypress (Cupressus) … Mourning

  Daffodil (Narcissus) … New beginnings

  Dahlia (Dahlia) … Dignity

  Daisy (Bellis) … Innocence

  Daisy, Gerber (Gerbera) … Cheerfulness

  Dandelion (Taraxacum) … Rustic oracle

  Daphne (Daphne) … I would not have you otherwise

  Daylily (Hemerocallis) … Coquetry

  Delphinium (Delphinium) … Levity

  Dianthus (Dianthus) … Make haste

  Dittany (Dictamnus albus) … Childbirth

  Dogwood (Cornus) … Love undiminished by adversity

  Dragon plant (Dracaena) … You are near a snare

  Edelweiss (Leontopodium alpinum) … Noble courage

  Elder (Sambucus) … Compassion

  Eucalyptus (Eucalyptus) … Protection

  Euphorbia (Euphorbia) … Persistence

  Evening primrose (Oenothera biennis) … Inconstancy

  Everlasting pea (Lathyrus latifolius) … Lasting pleasure

  Fennel (Foeniculum vulgare) … Strength

  Fern (Polypodiophyta) … Sincerity

  Fern, maidenhair (Adiantum capillus-veneris) … Secrecy

  Feverfew (Tanacetum parthenium) … Warmth

  Fig (Ficus carica) … Argument

  Flax (Linum usitatissimum) … I feel your kindness

  Forget-me-not (Myosotis) … Forget me not

  Forsythia (Forsythia) … Anticipation

  Foxglove (Digitalis purpurea) … Insincerity

  Freesia (Freesia) … Lasting friendship

  Fuchsia (Fuchsia) … Humble love

  Gardenia (Gardenia) … Refinement

  Gentian (Gentiana) … Intrinsic worth

  Geranium, oak-leaf (Pelargonium) … True friendship

  Geranium, pencil-leaf (Pelargonium) … Ingenuity

  Geranium, scarlet (Pelargonium) … Stupidity

  Geranium, wild (Pelargonium) … Steadfast piety

  Ginger (Zingiber) … Strength

  Gladiolus (Gladiolus) … You pierce my heart

  Goldenrod (Solidago) … Careful encouragement

  Grapevine (Vitis vinifera) … Abundance

  Grass (Poaceae) … Submission

  Hawthorn (Crataegus monogyna) … Hope

  Hazel (Corylus) … Reconciliation

  Heath (Erica) … Solitude

  Heather (Calluna vulgaris) … Protection

  Helenium (Helenium) … Tears

  Heliotrope (Heliotropium) … Devoted affection

  Hibiscus (Hibiscus) … Delicate beauty

  Holly (Ilex) … Foresight

  Hollyhock (Alcea) … Ambition

  Honesty (Lunaria annua) … Honesty

  Honeysuckle (Lonicera) … Devotion

  Hyacinth, blue (Hyacinthus orientalis) … Constancy

  Hyacinth, purple (Hyacinthus orientalis) … Please forgive me

  Hyacinth, white (Hyacinthus orientalis) … Beauty

  Hydrangea (Hydrangea) … Dispassion

  Ice plant (Carpobrotus chilensis) … Your looks freeze me

  Impatiens (Impatiens) … Impatience

  Iris (Iris) … Message

  Ivy (Hedera helix) … Fidelity

  Jacob’s ladder (Polemonium) … Come down

  Jasmine, Carolina (Gelsemium sempervirens) … Separation

  Jasmine, Indian (Jasminum multiflorum) … Attachment

  Jasmine, white (Jasminum officinale) … Amiability

  Jonquil (Narcissus jonquilla) … Desire

  Laburnum (Laburnum anagyroides) … Pensive beauty

  Lady’s slipper (Cypripedium) … Capricious beauty

  Lantana (Lantana) … Rigor

  Larch (Larix decidua) … Audacity

  Larkspur (Consolida) … Lightness

  Laurel (Laurus nobilis) … Glory and success

  Lavender (Lavandula) … Mistrust

  Lemon (Citrus limon) … Zest

  Lemon blossom (Citrus limon) … Discretion

  Lettuce (Lactuca sativa) … Coldheartedness

  Liatris (Liatris)… I will try again

  Lichen (Parmelia) … Dejection

  Lilac (Syringa) … First emotions of love

  Lily (Lilum) … Majesty

  Lily of the valley (Convallaria majalis) … Return of happiness

  Linden tree (Tilia) … Conjugal love

  Lisianthus (Eustoma) … Appreciation

  Lobelia (Lobelia) … Malevolence

  Lotus (Nelumbo nucifera) … Purity

  Love-in-a-mist (Nigella damascena) … Perplexity

  Love-lies-bleeding (Amaranthus caudatus) … Hopeless but not helpless

  Lungwort (Pulmonaria) … You are my life

  Lupine (Lupinus) … Imagination

  Magnolia (Magnolia) … Dignity

  Marigold (Calendula) … Grief

  Marjoram (Origanum) … Blushes

  Marsh marigold (Caltha palustris) … Desire for riches

  Meadow saffron (Colchicum autumnale) … My best days are past


  Meadowsweet (Filipendula ulmaria) … Uselessness

  Michealmas daisy (Aster amellus) … Farewell

  Mignonette (Reseda odorata) … Your qualities surpass your charms

  Mimosa (Mimosa) … Sensitivity

  Mistletoe (Viscum) … I surmount all obstacles

  Mock orange (Pittosporum undulatum) … Counterfeit

  Monkshood (Aconitum) … Chivalry

  Morning glory (Ipomoea) … Coquetry

  Moss (Bryopsida) … Maternal love

  Mullein (Verbascum) … Take courage

  Mustard (Brassica) … I am hurt

  Myrtle (Myrtus) … Love

  Narcissus (Narcissus) … Self-love

  Nasturtium (Tropaeolum majus) … Impetuous love

  Nettle (Urtica) … Cruelty

  Oats (Avena sativa) … The witching soul of music

  Oleander (Nerium oleander) … Beware

  Olive (Olea europaea) … Peace

  Orange (Citrus sinensis) … Generosity

  Orange blossom (Citrus sinensis) … Your purity equals your loveliness

  Orchid (Orchidaceae) … Refined beauty

  Oregano (Origanum vulgare) … Joy

  Pansy (Viola) … Think of me

  Parsley (Petroselinum crispum) … Festivity

  Passionflower (Passiflora) … Faith

  Peach (Prunus persica) … Your charms are unequaled

  Peach blossom (Prunus persica) … I am your captive

  Pear (Pyrus) … Affection

  Pear blossom (Pyrus) … Comfort

  Peony (Paeonia) … Anger

  Peppermint (Mentha) … Warmth of feeling

  Periwinkle (Vinca minor) … Tender recollections

  Persimmon (Diospyros kaki) … Bury me amid nature’s beauty

  Petunia (Petunia) … Your presence soothes me

  Phlox (Phlox) … Our souls are united

  Pineapple (Ananas comosus) … You are perfect