by Fiona Murphy
Fuck, I can’t fight the tears, and she pulls me into a tight hug.
“Oh, Kate. I’m sorry. I really didn’t mean to make you cry.”
I cry harder, and it takes an embarrassing amount of time to get myself under control. Sniffling, I wipe my tears away and manage to calm down enough to apologize, it’s brushed aside.
“Sweetie, I’m sorry, but I can’t understand what you said.”
“It’s not a good reason why I don’t want children. I’m scared. That’s why I don’t want children.”
“Sweetheart, there’s nothing wrong with that at all. Having children isn’t just scary, it’s terrifying. A person who isn’t just a little scared doesn’t really know what they’re getting into. The reason why you don’t want children doesn’t matter—the reason why you do is the only one that’s important. If a child isn’t your deepest wish and dream and you don’t want that child with your whole heart, then, sweetheart, don’t have one.”
Everything she says makes so much sense, and I finally understand why she’s such an amazing mother. “Thank you for being so nice, Elise, when I don’t feel like I deserve it.”
“Oh, pardon my French, but bullshit. You deserve all the good you receive. Trey hasn’t divulged your secrets, but he’s hinted you had a difficult childhood without a mother and father to give you the love you deserve. From now on you can call me Mom. If it makes you feel more comfortable then it’s Elise, but I would be so honored for you to call me Mom. I wasn’t exaggerating in the slightest. In you I finally see the daughter I always wanted. Enough tears, this is the fun part. They are going to stuff us until we can’t move with the most delicious food.”
As quickly as the moment started, she ends it with a smile and a kiss on the cheek.
***
After a very long lunch where the menu was decided with the aid of several bottles of wine, it’s on to the cake maker.
Somehow, without me quite knowing how it happens, all my tension disappears throughout the rest of the day. We go in and out of the flower shop, where she orders way too many flowers, then it’s on to a company that will provide the dinnerware, wine glasses, and flatware, where we’re able to look through napkins and tablecloths in a rainbow of colors. Although the wedding was supposed to be small, the number has risen to thirty.
Once we’re home, Trey has plans for a dinner out, but I’m so tired after roaming the streets I don’t want to move from the cozy sofa. A debate begins, and Chinese takeout comes out the winner. Dinner feels loud and happy. It could be the wine that still feels like it’s running through my veins. It’s late by the time we settle into bed, and without me even hinting, Trey pulls me into his arms and holds me.
“Do you want to talk about it?” he whispers against my neck.
Shaking my head, I only tighten my arms around him. It’s how we fall asleep and how we wake up the next morning.
***
I have to go into work later in the afternoon, and will be closing. I also have an appointment with Joy in the morning. After the last few months, I haven’t needed Trey there. He isn’t happy about it, but I’m still going twice a week, and now that the sessions aren’t quite as painful, I’m insistent on going alone. We’ve finally moved from the extremely graphic EMDR sessions for the last three visits and gone back to only talk sessions.
We get dressed and go down to breakfast together. Elise is already awake and making breakfast. With a kiss goodbye, Trey leaves, and the quiet settles in around us. It doesn’t feel awkward to me, but Elise looks uncomfortable. I can tell she’s worried. “Mom, don’t worry. I didn’t talk with Trey about what we spoke about, because it’s not important enough to share. I appreciate what you said, and knowing how you feel makes me glad that there’s no misunderstandings.”
“That’s such a relief. Trey is so lucky, and so am I to have you in our family.”
“Thank you for your kind words. Now, I need to run up and do something with my hair. I have an appointment to get to in about a half-hour.”
“All right, dear. You go get ready. I’m going to clean up here and make a few more calls to settle things for the wedding.” As I pass her, I get a kiss on the cheek and a small pat on the shoulder.
***
Joy is serious, and I know what’s coming. She tried to start the conversation last time, but I wasn’t ready.
“Don’t look so scared. This isn’t to try and talk you into having children. It’s about the fear you expressed previously. Talk to me. How do you feel about the sexual experiences you had as a teenager?”
Closing my eyes, I breathe deeply and allow my mind to go there. As it has been for the last few sessions, thankfully, there is no recoil from the memories. Flicking through them, I can consider them thoughtfully and without shame.
“They were the actions of a scared kid who was in pain and trying to deal with it the only way they knew how. I wanted to feel good again. I wanted to feel in control of my body. Sex, even though I hated what he did to me... it felt good. Since I wanted to feel good and I knew sex felt good, I picked the person and I said yes. It was all I knew, so it was all I could do.
I feel sorry for that kid. It was me but it isn’t anymore. I know enough I’m not ashamed of what I did. If I had it to do over, I wouldn’t have done it, but if I hadn’t I probably would have done something worse to myself. I chose sex over drugs and alcohol to numb the pain, and if I hadn’t then I might have never been able to pull out of that tailspin.”
Her relief is palpable. “And if someone you knew and respected found out, how would you feel?”
The idea of Elise knowing has been in the back of my mind. There is a part of me afraid it will come out. Now, knowing how Elise feels and thinks of me, I’ve been even more afraid of losing her respect. Yet that fear is gone, and I know I can’t deny who I was, but it isn’t who I am now. “I don’t think the concern of a loss of respect will ever go completely away. However, if I do lose their respect, that person doesn’t really know me and care about me and I can’t control their response. It happened, a long time, and I’ve changed. It isn’t who I am and doesn’t define me.”
Her smile is wide. “And now you finally are getting it. We’re getting there, Kate. So, tell me, how are the wedding plans going?”
Chapter Fifteen
The house is full with the arrival of Trey’s father, his brother Alan, and Alan’s fiancée Tiffany. There is also Elise’s brother and his wife with their three children and wives. Tiffany’s parents are coming but are thankfully in a hotel a few miles away. For reasons I’m not quite sure of, Tiffany’s sister and her wife are also coming. Elise mumbled something about Tiffany’s ego, but not loudly, and only to me as I questioned how the guestlist had gotten so large. Trey’s godparents live in Chicago and will be there for the day, but are in the house for the rehearsal dinner.
I asked and Edward agreed, with tears in his eyes, to walk me down the aisle. With the wedding in only two days, the stress is getting to me, and Trey sees it. He has become very good at making it all disappear in our bedroom, however as the day wears on, so do I. Work was a refuge until it became a long, drawn-out discussion where I wasn’t allowed to voice my thoughts. Why am I still working? When am I going to quit? Trey did his best, still it continued until I wanted to escape. Elise ended it all with a rude word and saying it was no one’s business. I’m pretty sure I love her almost as much as I love Trey.
Escaping into the library, I enjoy a few moments of quiet. I stiffen to hear the door open, and almost faint with relief to see Trey.
“You should see the look on your face. I’m sorry, sweetheart. I love you. I know this isn’t easy, and you are holding up so well. I’m proud of you.”
“I love you too, but all I can think of is how appealing Vegas sounds right now.”
Trey laughs and pulls me up from the new overstuffed chair we bought to replace my old one. “Hmm, it could make an interesting destination for a honeymoon.”
“We get to
go on a honeymoon?” He hasn’t mentioned it before.
“Of course. It’s the best part out of all this. Thoughts or suggestions you want to add?” His hands slide my thong to the side.
“How can you ask a question when you know I can’t think when you do that?”
“Easy, very easy. Turn around, sweetheart, and bend over. Perfect. I adore this beautiful ass of yours. I love how wet and ready you are for me. Shh, no moaning, sweetheart. You want my cock, it’s yours.” His teasing is making me crazy as he slides the head of his cock along the lips of my wet pussy. Again and again he rubs until I think I’m going to scream. Finally, he slides in hard and deep. It’s the pace he sets with each thrust and it isn’t long before I come in a crash that has me shaking beneath Trey’s continued thrusts. When he comes, he moans my name and holds me close as his shudders die away.
With a kiss on my neck, he gives me a final hug before letting me go. “I love how you know when to give the best stress relief ever.”
“Goes both ways, my love. All these people stress me out too. You are doing a very good job. Only two more days, we’ll make it.”
“If you say so,” I murmur into his mouth.
“I say so. I know you, and you are so much more than you think you are.”
“I love you.”
“Love you too. Come on or they’ll come looking for us.”
***
The day is bright and clear and beautiful, a perfect day for a wedding. Even though it’s the first weekend of October and slightly cool, I don’t even shiver as Edward walks me down the short white runner to Trey. Trey is gorgeous and smiling wide as I walk toward him. When it comes time to say our vows, it’s easy to say the words I never thought I would speak. His voice is loud and proud, and our kiss is firm but nowhere near as hot as our eyes when they meet.
Surprisingly, Trey whisks me away only hours into the party. I couldn’t be happier when I’m practically stuffed into the car. I have no idea where we are going. Trey only told me it was a surprise. My suitcase was packed by Trey last night without me being allowed to see what was in it.
I’m surprised to see a Learjet waiting. Every once in a while the sight of Trey’s wealth throws me. The flight is easy and smooth, and we spend the entire flight in the bedroom. When the voice of the pilot comes on warning to prepare for landing, we sigh as we begin to dress.
The pilot also gives the time and weather of London. I gasp in surprise.
Trey chuckles. “I had fantasies of beaches and you naked the whole time, but I knew this was what you wanted. So now we get to roam the city, and we’ll even go over to Ireland for a look.”
“How did you know?” Shock is high. I’ve never mentioned it... I think.
“Sweetheart, I know you.” It’s said simply, without smugness.
“You do, you really do.”
“Yes, I know all of you, and I still love you. I’ll always love you.”
“Thank you for loving me and not letting me go when I kept trying to push you away. Please don’t ever stop loving me.”
“Never gonna happen.” His hug is tight, and I swallow back the lump in my throat. “Come on, sweetheart. It’s time to see the city of your dreams.”
“With the man of my dreams.”
“Same here, baby.”
Epilogue
Three years later
I’m restless and pacing. I’ve been up for hours. I didn’t want to wake up Trey, so I came downstairs to make breakfast. I finger the box with Trey’s gift and wonder about his response. After three years I want to believe I know my husband’s response to everything, but he still manages to surprise me from time to time. Although it’s usually in my favor, which is always nice. Trey is managing to run the corporate office from Chicago. He travels, but only once or twice a year. As far as he’s concerned, Alan can do the traveling. If he does have to travel, he tries to schedule it to match my schedule.
I’m still wondering if he will allow me to continue to work— at least until Trey’s arms come around me, startling me.
“Hey, I wanted to wake up with you in my arms. Give me a kiss.”
The kiss is hot and thorough, and he picks me up and puts me on the dining table. I know where he’s going, and I have to know now or I’m going to lose it. “Wait, I want you to open your anniversary gift.” I practically thrust the box at him.
His brow furrows and he shakes his head. “Okay, I left your gift upstairs. You want me to go get it?”
“No, open your gift.” I shake my head.
Pulling out the chair in front of me, he sits down, and unwraps the gift. Taking off the lid, he goes still, and his face freezes when he sees it. The test is simple—pregnant is in the little oval display. He swallows hard and blinks. “Are you sure this is what you want?”
“Yes. Mom told me that I shouldn’t have a child unless I wanted it so badly I dream of it. I told you I didn’t want a baby only because I was scared, which wasn’t a good reason. I know having a baby isn’t something I should do just to make you happy, and that isn’t why. I want our baby so badly it’s all I’ve thought of. I’ve dreamed of him for months. I can’t wait to hold our son and watch him grow up to be as good of a man as his father.”
Trey’s arms are just short of punishing as he hugs me tight. “I love you so much. Every day with you is better than I think it can be, and now this. Thank you, sweetheart. There is just one thing, I’m hoping for a little girl.”
“Hmm, let’s make a deal. We get a boy and girl the first two times then we stop, but if not, we’ll try one more time and be happy with the children we have.”
“I love the way you think.”
“I love the way you love me.”
Back Matter
His Under Contract
Holly
As a kid with a Marine for a father, and a doormat stay-at-home mother, I didn’t have huge aspirations for my future. Maybe a teacher—working with kids, and then enjoying a summer break. However, I didn’t think I would end up a housekeeper scrubbing floors. It doesn’t matter if the floors are in a million-plus dollar condo, in one of Chicago’s most exclusive addresses. I’m still on my hands and knees for one of the most obnoxious assholes I’ve ever met. The jerk believes his own press as one of the biggest rainmakers in Chicago. A lawyer specializing in business and sports contracts, Ethan Bishop is sought after in the boardroom and the bedroom. While even his sister thinks he’s best taken in small doses, she offers me a job I can’t refuse, not if I don’t want to go back to my parents with my tail between my legs. I need this job, and it’s not like it’s forever, just until I’m not on the edge of poverty. Let him be the unrepentant manwhore who didn’t do repeats. It’s better for him not to be at home, so close that my stupid body goes nuts when I even think of him. It’s better this way, because he could never want me. I’m a plus size not a size two model he’s used to having. I’m safe, it doesn’t matter how badly I want him, he doesn’t want me. Does he?
Ethan
In my world, the stakes are high, million dollar high, so no, I’m not nice. I don’t say please or thank you and I never apologize. If you have a problem with that, it’s your problem not mine. I didn’t make partner at one of the biggest law firms in Chicago at only thirty-two with my winning personality. I’m on top because I make money for my clients, whether it’s a high stakes takeover, or a player getting paid every dime he’s worth. My clients come out on top. I have worked hard for the life I have, the million-dollar condo, the Ferrari in the garage, and the hottest woman on my arm and in my bed. So, if my bitch of a new housekeeper wants to look down on me, like I give a fuck. My one weakness, my little sister parked me with a housekeeper who is far from perfect. Okay, she has the cooking and the cleaning down. But damn, does she have an attitude and a mouth on her that smiles even when she’s insulting me. It’s a good thing she isn’t my type, or I would make her pay the best way possible. At least, I’m trying to tell my cock she’s not my type, only the assh
ole has had his own idea since he saw her. It won’t last long though, it never wants any woman for long. When she offers herself to me, it’s with a contract where I hold all the control, all I have to do is sign.
His on the Rebound
Sarah
Hell... I’m going to hell. I can hear the nuns now, condemning me, and I deserve it. How could I have let Maxwell Brandt kiss me? A man I found disgusting at the way he treated woman—as if they were disposable, to be used then thrown away. It didn’t matter who he was, or how much money he had. He was a horrible person. Who the hell am I kidding? I’m just as bad because I let him kiss me. Then I did the unthinkable and kissed him back, with a hunger I’ve never felt before. All of this while my fiancé was in the same house. It was a horrible mistake, one that can never happen again. I love Kevin. I want to make a life with him, not be used by a man who won’t remember my name a month from now. What Kevin and I have built is real and I’m not throwing it all away. It didn’t matter if no other man, including Kevin, had made me feel the way Max did, it was wrong. Despite the fact Max keeps coming back to entice me, I stand firm. I won’t cheat on Kevin. I won’t become that person, no matter how badly my body wants him. I don’t want to want him.
Until the moment he drops a bomb that destroys everything. Kevin has been cheating. His words destroy the illusion I’ve been hiding behind, because I know he’s telling the truth. Knew it in the way Kevin has gradually been pulling away, his late nights out with the guys, his disinterest in me, and the way he’s twice pushed back the date of the wedding. I hadn’t wanted to believe, had been willfully blind to preserve the promise of a future with a man I believed I loved. All I want is to hide and lick my wounds, but Max won’t let me. With Kevin gone, he demands I fulfill the promise of that kiss. I don’t understand how a man like him wants a plus size woman like me, when my own fiancé refused to date me before I lost weight. Yet, he does, refuses to go away. In a rush of anger, pain, and hunger, I give in. The feeling of being wanted by a man like Max wiping away the humiliation of Kevin’s betrayal. Maybe a fling, a rebound affair, is exactly what I need. No promises, no expectations, and no broken heart. At least, that’s the way it started.
