by Fiona Murphy
I turn and follow her into the office, and almost fall onto the oversized chair I prefer to the homey, worn couch, which is too clichéd. There are crayons on the table and plain white paper, thankfully there are none of the little girl’s drawings still there.
“Kate? Are you okay?”
I shake my head.
“Seeing the little girl upset you.” It’s not a question, but I nod. “What about seeing her upset you?”
Opening my mouth it starts, the sobs from deep inside I hadn’t let loose with Trey. Joy doesn’t try to calm me, simply hands me tissues every few minutes. It takes so damn long to stop crying. My head is pounding, and I just want to curl up in a ball and stay that way.
“What happened?”
“Trey wants children.”
“From the tortured way you said that, I can only assume you don’t.”
We had talked about my miscarriage, and she had gotten me to understand the relief everyone felt around me was for me, not the baby. Sixteen and pregnant is hard under the best circumstances, and I was far from that. “No.”
“Why?”
One word, just like Trey. “Because I can’t give a child everything it needs, all the love and care and attention. I just can’t. And...”
“And?”
“And what if he found out when he was older?”
“Found out what?”
“That I was a whore, all the gross things I did. What if he hates me?” The tears build, and I can’t see her.
“Oh, Kate. ” She says sadly. “I had no idea.”
“What?”
“That after all these sessions you still think that way. and we have so far still to go. Kate, I want you to look at me. We are going to get there, I promise. We touched on the sexual acts and behavior you engaged in as a teenager. I am now embarrassed you were able to disguise just how deeply those things hurt you. Each one of those attempts to be in control of your sexual experience was as much of a blow to your mind as the act of rape your mother’s boyfriend inflicted upon you. This isn’t uncommon, we spoke about this, however your bravado and casual dismissal of each experience led me to believe this wasn’t true for you. So now we have to go back to each one, and we’re going to file it away.
You are not, and have never been, a whore. The things you did with other willing sexual partners was not gross or disgusting, perverted, or any of the other bullshit labels society uses on anything outside of their understanding. If you used whips, chains, and rubber suits it wouldn’t matter, do you understand me? What pleases you is all that matters between you and a consenting adult. Now dry your eyes. We aren’t going to have long. Eyes on the tip of the pen.”
***
Once the session is over, I feel raw and without skin. I stumble down the stairs, blind to the world around me. Hearing my name, I flinch. Oh thank god. Trey has me in his arms, and I sink into him.
“It’s okay, sweetheart, I’ve got you.”
I moan with relief. His arms tighten around me, then he’s picking me up and settling me into his car.
The drive is a blur. I’m not aware of time passing. I come to in bed. I’m in Trey’s arms, and the tears start all over again. He doesn’t say anything, just holds me and lets me cry.
Long hours later, I’m able to swallow, and I mumble the question I wanted to ask but had been scared to for so long.
“What, sweetheart? I didn’t understand you.”
“Do you think I’m gross for what I did when I was younger, all those men and women?”
“No, that was then and this is now. My only concern is how much it hurt you then and how it might still be hurting you now. It was a way to cope, the only way you knew how.
I love you. Everything you have gone through is a part of you, a tiny part that led you to become the incredibly brave, wonderfully strong, and insanely sexy woman you are today. I hate that you went through pain, but I’m going to make sure you don’t feel it again. Love doesn’t hurt, it can help you heal, but you have to believe in it and yourself for it to really help. I want you to believe you are a good and beautiful person who deserves all the love I’m going to give you. Me telling you hasn’t been enough. I believe Joy has helped, now it’s time for you to make the jump into belief. Trust me, Kate. I’m here and I’m not going anywhere.”
His words start the tears all over again, and he only hugs me close and allows me to cry.
Chapter Thirteen
Two months pass by quickly, and finally I’m not crying after a session anymore. Trey has an important meeting he’s trying to reschedule so he can be with me after my next session. I shake my head. I don’t want him to miss it for me. Trey ignores me and is firm the appointment needs to be rescheduled, his brother swears and hangs up. He tosses the Bluetooth on the kitchen table. “Come here.”
“No, Trey, you need to call your brother back. I can go to the appointment alone. It makes me crazy to I know I’m the cause of the stress between you and your brother.”
He looks stunned at my words. “Get your ass over here now.”
I hate the way I do as he tells me. It isn’t in me to deny him anything. His grip is painful.
“You are not the cause of conflict between me and my brother. I want you to get that shit out of your head right now. Alan is simply not up to running the corporate office, that’s the problem, and it doesn’t have a thing to do with you. I knew it before Dad sent me out here, and I’m pretty sure Alan knew it too, but he wanted to prove everyone wrong. He hasn’t, and now he’s being an asshole because he doesn’t know when to call time. He’s calling me at all hours, but when I make the calls and decisions that need to be made, he gets pissed. This meeting is one more example of it.”
Relief is so immense I’m boneless against him. “Oh thank goodness.”
Trey chuckles. “My father would be annoyed to hear you say that.”
“I’m sorry. I was sure it was about me taking up all your time.”
“Damn it, Kate, I’m starting to get frustrated with all of the worries you are keeping from me. I don’t like it.”
“I can’t run to you with every worry.”
“Yes you fucking can and yes you fucking will. That worry about me and my brother—how long has it been bothering you for no fucking good reason?”
Shrugging, shame flares. “A few months.”
“You stress, you worry, you tie yourself up in knots over stuff that bothers you, and this was something you didn’t need to worry about. What did I tell you from the very beginning? You don’t worry. You let me handle it. If something is bothering you, no matter how small you think it is, you tell me and I’ll fix it. Now you better start talking, because I can feel you’re tense as all fuck. Out with it, all of it.”
I want to run, and I’m pretty sure he knows it, because he shakes his head and his grip tightens. With a deep breath, I start. “I worry I don’t do enough cooking and you do too much. I worry about the way you spend so much money on me, like it’s no big deal to you. I’m—”
“Okay, hold on. Those are the sweetest most ridiculous things for you to worry about. I love you and I love taking care of you. I like cooking for you, and you cook too. I would say we are almost even in the kitchen. Sweetheart, the money is no big deal. I’m never going to be able to spend all the money I have on myself. Like I said before, I like taking care of you, and if I can buy you a dress, a painting, or books that make you happy, then it makes me happy. Happy, do you understand? It brings me happiness to give you things because I know you appreciate them. Maybe if you didn’t it would bother me but that isn’t you and so it makes me happy and this is one time where I’m going to just tell you to get over it, because I’m not going to change on that score. Okay, next.”
“I’m scared you’ll go back to New York.” Besides the kids thing I’m locking away until I can deal with it, it’s my biggest fear. With the problems between his brother’s frequent calls and Trey’s tension, it’s obvious his brother isn’t able to get thr
ough a day without Trey’s assistance. I’m terrified his brother is going to plead for Trey to take over the corporate office and come back to Chicago and Trey would go back to New York.
He studies me intently. “Would you be against moving to New York?”
My chest is tight. “I don’t know. I really don’t. I love my job and wouldn’t really want to leave it, but I would if you asked me to. Though I think I’m scared I won’t be up to the whole New York society thing your mother and Alan’s fiancée deal with.”
“‘Up to’ in what way?”
Ignoring the tightness in my chest, I don’t flinch from the truth. “I’m not good enough. I don’t have your money or connections or family history. My history is embarrassing and ugly.”
Anger flashes, but he hides it quickly. He opens his mouth and then closes it. Without a word, he picks me up, sets me on the table, and disappears down the hall into his office. I’m not sure what to do, so I stay on the table, wondering what he’s doing. When he comes back, he sits down heavily and moves my legs open so he’s between them. “Okay, I keep thinking the moment will make itself known, but it hasn’t, and I can’t take it anymore. I think two of your worries can be settled. Put it on. We’re getting married. I love you and you love me and I can’t wait anymore.”
I open the white ring box he hands me and I can’t hold back the gasp. Holy shit, it’s fucking enormous. The emerald-cut diamond has to be around fifteen carats. My hands start to shake and Trey takes over. He takes the ring out, takes my hand, and slides it up my left ring finger. It fits perfectly, which doesn’t surprise me at all.
“Kate, look at me. I love you and I go where you are. If you want to stay in Chicago then I stay in Chicago. I think what you said about not being good enough is complete and utter bullshit, however I do know it’s a vicious circle. I would never put you through something that could bring you pain, unless I thought it would be worth it in the end, and me going to New York isn’t worth it. I told you, I pick you. I’ll stay in Chicago. I need to talk with my father, and the three of us need to have a blunt clearing-the-air discussion. Alan isn’t up to running the office, it doesn’t mean I can’t run it from here. I practically have been for the last month. Now, what else is there worrying you?”
Swallowing hard, I run a finger over the ring and can’t meet his eyes. “I’m worried you’ll wake up one day and resent me for not having children.”
He doesn’t let me hide. His hand comes up under my chin. “Never going to happen.” The words are firm, and his eyes are clear.
I throw myself at him and he catches me.
***
A week later, his mother is there when I come home from work. Once again I’m enveloped in a hug before I know what’s hit me. I look for help, but don’t really get it as Trey shrugs by the stove while he stirs what he’s cooking.
“Oh, darling, I’m sorry, but I couldn’t wait another moment. Trey has been so cruel, scaring me with threats of a ceremony in a judge’s office. Please, dear, I understand if you don’t want a large to-do, but please can we have something small here in the house, in the backyard? We can do just the family, don’t deny me a proper wedding for my son.”
“Mother, I’ve already been married. Please stop acting as if it’s a momentous occasion not to be missed.”
“But it is, darling! You married Susan because you felt you should. You’re marrying Kate because you love her. There’s a huge difference in that. Besides, you might have been married before, but Kate hasn’t.”
Her words and sincerity touch me and guilt fills me. I’m the one who wanted a judge’s office, and would have been happy flying to Vegas. Trey had warned me his mother would want to make it an event. Now I’m feeling ashamed. I don’t hesitate. “Of course. Something small in the back will be fine, as long as we keep it to just family. Please, small, very small.”
“Oh, how wonderful. Since you want it so small, it will be easy to have done in weeks. Trey was firm on that, and since we’ll do just family, we won’t bother with invitations and simply worry about flowers and your dress. I have the most amazing Italian restaurant that would be willing to cater. I know you love Italian, and we’ll just cross our fingers we can keep your dress white with the sauces.”
The rest of the night is spent at the table listing my favorite colors and flowers as Elise notes everything and promises to take care of everything. I shrug as Trey looks on.
Once we’re finally alone in bed, feeling satisfied and full of bliss, I’m surprised but know I shouldn’t be when Trey’s voice comes out of the darkness.
“Out with your worry.”
“It’s so stupid. I feel a fraud for wearing white.”
“It’s not stupid and you aren’t a fraud. Your body might not pure, but your heart is, and that’s what matters. It’s convention, sweetheart, but if you don’t feel comfortable, I’ll talk to my mother.”
His words soothe me. He’s right—no more holding on to worry. “I love you and then you say stuff like that and I love you even more. I’ll find something white, is it okay if it’s not too traditional and fussy?”
“Sweetheart, all I care about is it’s easy to take off. You’re beautiful and look good in just about anything.”
“Hmm, I think that deserves something special,” I murmur as I begin to jerk him in my hand seconds before I take him deep into my mouth.
Chapter Fourteen
I have tried on so many dresses I want to scream in frustration. I’m pretty sure I love Elise—she’s been the sweetest, kindest woman, and so welcoming to me—but if I had a sharp object... I’m not saying I wouldn’t use it. None of the dresses even slightly appeal. Too many flounces and ruffles and sparkles. Despite my insistence the dress be understated, Elise and I seem to not have the same dictionary. The sales assistant brings in three more carrier bags, and I sag into the chair.
She’s a sweet girl, and I wish I could remember her name. “Okay, I know it’s been a long day. I heard you when you came in, and I know you’ve hated the dresses, so I pulled two I know are more what you’re looking for and one that I think will make you both happy.”
The first dress is exactly what I pictured, yet on it just doesn’t appeal, and looks even more boring on then on the hanger. The second is, for me, the most appealing one out of all the ones so far, but it’s still not going to please Elise. As the girl unzips the last one, my knees are weak and I’m feeling the kind of excitement I haven’t felt since Trey proposed. It’s beautiful, and it isn’t what I thought I wanted, only now I’m silently praying it looks as good on me as I hope it does. It’s pure lace, with only a small puddle of a train, sleeveless, with a deep V at the chest. After months in Trey’s care, I’ve gone up a size, and I can finally see how good it looks. Before, I just shrugged and thought I looked okay, but without sharp bones underneath my skin along my chest and shoulders, the dress shows all of that area is soft, which seems to fit the dress.
“I knew it! You love it and your mother is going to just love it too.”
“Oh, she’s not my mother. She’s going to be my mother-in-law.” I don’t even take my eyes off my image in the mirror.
“That is so great. You’re lucky, I’ve been married almost ten years, and I would love to hear one word from my mother-in-law that wasn’t a backhanded compliment. She seems to adore you. I’m jealous. Come on, let’s show her how great you look, because I’m guessing you found the dress.”
I nod as I follow her out the door. Elise’s happy cry is followed by a hug and kiss on my cheek.
“This one, dear. Yes?”
“Yes,” I say as I return her hug.
***
We’re settling into a booth at the Italian restaurant that will be catering, to go over the menu. With the memory of the dress search and fitting that followed earlier today, I’m still feeling lightly giddy from happiness. My bubble is burst when Elise picks up her fork and smiles sweetly before trying the risotto and, after complimenting the chef, star
ts talking.
“Now, dear, I want you to know how happy I am you and Trey are getting married. You’ve given me my son back. He’s almost as sweet and charming and light as he was before he married Susan, and she put him through hell. I want you to know Trey has talked to me and let me know my talk of grandchildren needs to stop, because you won’t be having any and you’ve made the decision together. While I won’t say I’m not disappointed, that is for me and Trey’s father to deal with. Your reasons are, I’m sure, good for you, and that’s what matters. Trey’s father and I support you both in all the decisions you make. Family is important and the only thing that matters.”
Her words, so sweet, cut me deeper than I would have ever thought possible. Especially as they are a lie. Trey didn’t make the decision, and it wasn’t for a good reason.
“Oh no, now I’ve upset you, and it wasn’t my intention at all. Please, sweetie, I simply wanted you to know you won’t be bothered with hints or any other nonsense.”
Tears well up. How can she really be so nice to me when I’m keeping her from something she admitted she wants?
“Kate, look at me. I have my son back, and now I finally have the daughter I’ve always wanted. Don’t you dare tell Tiffany, I’m happy to call you a daughter and have you in my family. Your love and caring for Trey shines clearly. Tiffany, she likes Alan, but she likes his name and money more. For you it’s obvious none of that matters—it’s Trey that matters to you. That’s the wife I want for my son.”
