Hooking Up : Sex, Dating, and Relationships on Campus
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KB: How does something get to the point of hooking up . . . how does that interaction happen?
Lynn: Umm, [pauses], well, I’m just trying to think of my experience. Well, one of the nights we had a toga party, it’s like an initiation party and everyone gets really drunk and . . .
everyone hooked up with everyone else [laughs] and it was just like all crazy and . . . I don’t even remember what happened because I was pretty drunk, but I ended up kissing one of the other swimmer guys, that was all that happened.
But, later I was like: “Ewww, why did I do that?” But, I don’t really remember exactly how it got to that point.
In this particular case, the hook up consisted of “just kissing” and Lynn did not seem particularly upset by it. However, in many cases, heavy alcohol use and subsequent sexual activity can be a dangerous combination. In many states, intoxication is deemed inconsistent with the ability to give meaningful consent to sexual activity.20 Moreover, in many states, sexual activity while the victim is intoxicated meets the legal definition of rape.21
Since students believed that alcohol is a common component to hooking up, students who did not drink alcohol, or at least did not feel comfortable drinking in a party atmosphere, had more difficulty following the hookup script than the more party-focused cliques.
WHO IS NOT HOOKING UP?
With few exceptions, the hookup culture seemed to permeate most groups on campus. However, I did interview several people who did not partake in the hookup scene. Some of these students were already in exclusive relationships. Usually, their relationship began with a T H E H O O K U P S C E N E
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hookup or it had carried over from their high school days. Since they were not looking for new partners, they had no need to engage in hooking up. For other students, finding a relationship at college was important because they were not interested in socializing the way that mainstream college students do. One student I interviewed, Robert, considered himself very different from most of the students at Faith University in terms of his interests, outlook on life, and day-to-day activities. He was very involved in student government on campus and an active member of the Boy Scouts. Robert met a woman he was romantically interested in during the first week of his freshman year. He pursued the woman by giving her his Boy Scouts “business card.” Although she rejected him at first, he was later able to befriend her and their friendship evolved into an exclusive relationship, which involved going out on dates regularly.
KB: Did you want a girlfriend because you weren’t comfortable with [the hooking-up] system? Or did it just so happen that you found a girlfriend?
Robert:Actually I abhor the whole idea of [hooking up]. I don’t think you actually allow yourself to get to know the other person [that way]. . . . So I didn’t really think of it as a manly thing to see how many girls [I] could get. I was never outrightly denied by a girl until [my current girlfriend] came along. [She] totally denied me the first time I ever met her. . . .
But I really didn’t like the idea of trying to get as many girls as [I] could [via hooking up]. Since I was traveling so much
[with the Boy Scouts], I almost told her: “I will be traveling a lot and if this will be hard tell me now because I don’t want to string you along.” So I wasn’t looking for a girlfriend [per se], but I wasn’t looking to hook up with people [either].
Although Robert acknowledged that the hookup system was typical for men and women on Faith’s campus, he was not interested in doing that himself and felt that his lack of interest in hooking up, in favor of a more traditional style of dating, made him “abnormal.” Another student I spoke to, Hannah, a junior at State University, abstained from hooking up due to her religious beliefs. Hannah believed her Christian faith was a central part of who she is and what she does; religion was not just another demographic category, something in the 66
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back of her mind. Rather, she possessed a very active faith; it was a central part of her identity and her daily activities. Hannah rejected the dominant hookup culture on campus because she believed hooking up was immoral. “The people I hang out with aren’t really those kind of people who just have a one-night thing. I think of hooking up as a one-night kind of thing and myself and people I know don’t do that.” Hannah was not a part of the alcohol-centered, party lifestyle; instead, she socialized within a close-knit group of friends who were also very religious.
Hannah: I don’t really feel comfortable spending time with people who don’t think in a similar fashion to me.
KB: Do you consider yourself part of the mainstream of State University in terms of what students do socially?
Hannah: No.
KB: What do you think of as mainstream and how are you different from that?
Hannah: Mainstream [means] the weekend starts on Thursday, you know, you go out drinking and partying, that kind of thing.
KB: That’s what you feel most students do?
Hannah: A lot do that and it kind of overshadows those of us who have a mellow weekend.
Hannah and her friends were interested in finding serious relationships. Although she found a relationship with someone who shared her religious beliefs, she said that many of her friends had difficulty finding
“mature” relationships on campus. It may be that some students, like Robert and Hannah, seek exclusive relationships to avoid the hookup scene on campus.
Although most of the participants in this study were white, I did interview a few minority students.22 These men and women recognized that hooking up was very common on campus; however, they did not engage in this practice. Lannette, an African American sophomore at Faith University, knew what hooking up meant, but did not do it herself.
KB: Is [hooking up] a term you use or is that a term you just more heard?
Lannette: Um, I don’t really use the term “hooked up” so it’s more what I hear. Like if someone said: “Yeah I hooked up with T H E H O O K U P S C E N E
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him,” I understand what they’re talking about. But, me personally, I wouldn’t say [it].
KB: Are you involved in . . . the hookup scene at all?
Lannette: No, cause I mean . . . I’m not really the type that just goes around and hooks up with random people. That’s just not my . . . you know, that’s not who I am. . . . Even if I’m interested in a boy, I won’t just hook up with [him] randomly. . . .
Like, I want to get to know him first and all that. That’s just not my thing; so I’m not really in that whole category, just hookups.
Instead of hooking up, she indicated that she generally met men through friends or local “hangouts” at home. Once she met someone of interest, she would start “talking” to him. During the process of getting to know each other, the two may go out on something resembling a traditional date or they may “just chill” together at someone’s home. Lannette, and other minority students I spoke with, used the term “talking” somewhat differently from their white counterparts.
KB: What about the . . . word, I think you mentioned it—“talking.” If someone says “we’re talking” what does that mean?
Lannette: It means like, I guess, um, when you’re interested in someone, I guess you want to, if you don’t already know them you know you want to get to know them so you know you’re I guess “talking” to get to know the person. Um, you’re not necessarily with them or . . . so you might think: “Okay it’s possible that we would become . . . a boyfriend or girlfriend, but you know maybe not.” So it’s like kind of like a beginning stage of a possible relationship. Um, talking to someone is pretty much just getting to know them. . . . If you already do know them, like if . . . you’re friends for a while and you start talking—it’s more like: “Okay I realize that I might want to be with you.” So you spend more time with them and you kind of limit talking to other guys or girls.
For the minority students I spoke to, particularly African Americans,
“t
alking” preceded being “with” someone as an exclusive couple.
Lannette also indicated that her minority friends on campus do not participate in the hookup scene on campus. Their decision to abstain 68
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was not necessarily a moral one, but perhaps more of a practical decision. The people I spoke with said many minority students are not interested in sexual encounters and relationships with white students (and vice versa). Therefore, on campuses that are overwhelmingly white, minority students often socialize among themselves on campus and keep close ties with friends from home.23
In addition to speaking to a handful of minority students, I also talked to a few gay and lesbian students.24 These students said they were not involved with the dominant hookup culture on campus. These students often struggled to reveal their sexual identity to fellow classmates and, therefore, had difficulty finding other gay and lesbian students for potential sexual and romantic relationships.
KB: So for meeting someone . . . of the same sex or socially interacting, how does all of that work for you? How does it work if you’re not . . . heterosexuall. . . [at Faith University]?
Timothy: You’re like: “Is he [gay] or is that just wishful thinking?”
[Laughing] I wish I had glasses I could like put on and people would appear; it’s like my glasses would be blue if they see people who are blue that means they’re gay. [Freshman, Faith University]
Unlike heterosexual students who had a system in place to find partners, homosexual students were more or less on their own in their quest to find potential partners. As Timothy added, “It’s harder to meet anyone, other than like to go to a bar that you know specifically everyone’s gay or most people are because there are straight people, a few, that go to gay clubs and stuff. But um, you don’t know on campus [who is gay].” Jonathan, a sophomore at Faith University, offered the following: “No one at the gay bar is going to smack you on the head because you’re like: ‘Hey you want to dance?’ and they’re like: ‘No I’m straight, I’m sorry.’ Nobody’s going to freak out at you at the gay bar because you asked them to dance because you’re at a gay bar. But on campus . . . you couldn’t just be like: ‘Hey do you want [to get] a drink?’ or something” [emphasis by interviewee].
Gay students would like to be able to meet other gay or lesbian students and initiate relationships on campus; however, the lack of options for doing so leads them to look for off-campus alternatives for socializing and forming potential relationships. Having to go outside the arguably safer confines of the campus perhaps puts these students T H E H O O K U P S C E N E
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at greater risk; on the other hand, as Jonathan points out, there is a level of acceptance and security that they can find in “gay safe” or
“queer positive” spaces that often are difficult to find on the college campus.25
Students who do not participate in the hookup culture on campus are on the margins of the social scene and they know it. For some, the hookup scene is not a viable option due to their minority status or sexual orientation. For others, avoiding hooking up is a choice. Some students do not like the hookup scene and others find that they do not possess the social skills needed to navigate the hookup script. One student, who considered herself extremely religious, was very opposed to the hookup scene. Rebecca, a sophomore at State University, preferred to develop friendships with men that she hoped would evolve into relationships. When she was not successful finding a boyfriend her way, she reluctantly engaged in hooking up a few times. However, she was disappointed that these encounters did not lead to a relationship, either.
“Because I hooked up [with him] before we went to spring break and then I decided that he needs to be a man and start the relationship, you know [I would tell myself], I’m not going to do anything [to start the relationship] and umm, after I stopped talking to him that’s when I heard that he was hooking up with other girls” (emphasis by interviewee). Rebecca’s frustration with the fact that hookup partners often do not initiate a relationship is consistent with many women on campus.26
Simon, a junior at State University, also had problems with the hookup system. In Simon’s case, he was interested in finding a relationship, but did not want to do so via the hookup script. He felt that his personality did not lend itself to initiating sexual or romantic encounters with strangers.
KB: Is [State U.] a place where you can find relationships easy?
Or is it hard here?
Simon: I think it’s easy; I am just not very good at it.
KB: What do you think is the reason you are not good at it?
Simon: I think it’s easy because there are so many people here and the overwhelming ratio of females to males; isn’t there?
KB: 60 percent [female], 40 percent [male].
Simon: Yeah. But I am just not very good at going, especially with just like going up to somebody completely new that I know nothing about. I am a very shy person generally. [Laughs]
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Simon did not like the alcohol-driven party scene that he felt most students were involved in on campus. Therefore, he tried to rely on close friends to introduce him to women, but did not have much luck finding a relationship this way, either. Due to his struggles, Simon admitted that he once resorted to calling a former high school girlfriend to come over to his place for a hookup encounter. To his surprise, she agreed.
Even students who were heavily involved in the hookup culture on campus recognized that various factors, including personality and attractiveness, dictate someone’s success with this script. The shy “Simons” and the reserved “Rebeccas” of campus do not travel in the same social circles as the “popular crowd.” Kevin, a senior at Faith University and an outgoing athlete who frequently hooked up, discussed students who are not as successful in the hookup scene.
Kevin: On the other side there are guys that probably aren’t very good at hooking up, probably don’t do it a lot. . . . They are not comfortable in themselves to initiate hooking up. We are in a bar and nobody looks different, everybody is wearing the same Banana Republic clothes, the same Gap [clothes] . . .
it’s hard to differentiate anybody so it’s you; you are selling you. . . . [Some guys] are not good deal closers in this setting because they don’t have the game. I don’t want to say the word “game” again because you probably don’t like that word, but they don’t have enough game to close the deal.
KB: I’m fine with the word game, but I still want you to explain a little more what game is.
Kevin: The ability to talk. The ability to interact and communicate with the opposite sex. That’s your game. Your game would be like your angle. How you talk, how you communicate, how you express yourself. Some guys will come up and tell you their whole life story or some guys will treat you like shit in order to get you to like them more, which happens. It sounds crazy, it sounds like the most asinine thing in the world, but it happens. That’s their game; that’s their angle.
Trying to get to know you, hook up with you, whatever their objective is. Because I could meet a girll. . . and all I want to do is get to know her. That’s my game. Ask her questions about herself, where she’s from . . . ask her if she knows people I know, maybe that will lead to stories. If I’m interested T H E H O O K U P S C E N E
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in her I’m almost pumping her for information and vice versa goes for her. If she starts pumping you for information, she’s interested in you too.
There may be individuals who abstain from hooking up; however, there is no obvious alternative for them if they are interested in sexual interaction with the opposite sex on campus. Although some students were able to find a relationship without hooking up, most students see hooking up as the “only game in town.” Due to the lack of alternatives, most students either adapt to the hookup scene or get left out. Thus, whether one is an active participant, a moderate participant, or someone who abstain
s altogether, no student is untouched by the pervasive hookup culture on campus.
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The Campus as a Sexual Arena
On the cover of Glamour magazine’s February 2006 issue is 21-year-old pop singer/actress and “America’s Next Sweetheart,” Mandy Moore.
Among the cover stories in this issue is a feature entitled “Are you normal about sex? Intimate details on what everyone’s doing.” Popular-culture sources, like this one, are one of the ways by which young people get information about sex and relationships. Like most men and women, college students want to know what is “normal,” because understanding the norms for their peer group helps them to navigate their own sexual lives.1 College students’ perceptions of what their peers are doing sexually are shaped, in part, by the messages they receive through pop culture, but perhaps even more so by peer culture. College students do not have to pick up a magazine or turn on the television to find out what their contemporaries are up to — they can just look around campus. This makes the college campus a sexual arena.
Some of the students I interviewed, like Adrienne, a senior at Faith University, keenly felt a sense of watching and being watched and talking and being talked about in the campus sexual arena.
Adrienne: Yeah, definitely [I have] a complex about looks around here [on campus]. There’s a saying that [Faith University]
gives out more eating disorders than diplomas. . . . when I came here for open house, I was like: “Oh [this is a] laid-back kind of campus.” The girls are like dressing in Gap or Old Navy or something like that. And then I came here [to start freshman year] and I was like: “Oh my God it’s like all the girls are dressed up, done up, all the time.” [I] never felt like you could wear sweatpants to class. The girls were “on” like 24/7 and it made me very self-conscious.