Hooking Up : Sex, Dating, and Relationships on Campus

by Kathleen A. Bogle

  Another potential pitfall for women is hooking up with two different guys who know each other well. This is particularly problematic if the two different men are friends or fraternity brothers. The time span between the hookups is also a critical consideration. The men indicated that if a woman hooked up with two different men who knew each other without a reasonable amount of time between the hookup encounters, she would be labeled a “slut.” Again, it was difficult to pinpoint what men considered a “reasonable amount of time.” However, men seemed to object particularly to encounters that happened in the same month or even in the same semester (which generally equates to a three and a half month span of time).

  Kevin: If she has a reputation then we know who she is. And she would know who we were if we were a group of guys that 108

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  were all friends. If she blew three or four guys, of course she would get a reputation.

  KB: What if it was just [a] hookup [which did not involve oral sex]?

  Kevin: Still, that’s her writing her own fate.

  KB: So it’s a no-no to hook up with several people in the same clique?

  Kevin: You are only making yourself trouble. . . . If one girl would hook up with me and then my friend and so on, of course she’d get a reputation.

  KB: Even if it was just kissing?

  Kevin: Bad idea. How do you expect these people not to talk [when]

  they’re friends? “Did you hook up with Susan?” “Yeah, I hooked up with [her].” “Yeah, me too.” She would have to realize that these guys are close buddies and of course they are going to know. I’d almost say that would be her fault. I would not put myself in the situation. [Senior, Faith University]

  At State University, where fraternities were a more prominent feature of campus life, men indicated that the cardinal sin for women was hooking up with two or more men within the same fraternity. The same issues regarding hooking up with men who are friends applied here.

  However, the fraternity dimension seemed to add insult to injury.

  Kyle: If they have multiple partners in the same fraternity, I know other girls in other houses, even girls at our [fraternity]

  house who have hooked up with six or seven different guys.

  And you are like: “Maybe she’ll hook up with everybody and we’ll put her picture on the wall or something.” [sarcastic tone] Everyone knows her business and I think it is detri-mental to her . . . reputation.

  KB: So, hooking up with people that are friends or in the same fraternity is not a good idea?

  Kyle: No. Because I think everyone talks about them. [Senior, State University]

  In addition to the problems for women regarding how often they hook up or with whom, there were also a number of other behaviors that could potentially lead to being negatively labeled. Several men M E N , WO M E N , A N D T H E S E X UA ll D O U B ll E S TA N DA R D

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  mentioned how some women at their college dress, particularly how they dress for parties, bars, and other social gatherings where hooking up takes place. When women dress too seductively, they were often labeled “easy” or “stupid.” In some cases, men indicated that girls who dressed in a seductive manner were purposely sought after by men looking for an easy, one-night hookup. Jack, a sophomore at Faith University, said “If I want it to be something for one night, then I’m looking for someone that’s showing a little midriff.” Ed, a senior at State University, made a similar point:

  KB: Are there people on campus that have high status?

  Ed: I think that a lot of the girls on campus, I definitely don’t want to be picking on the whole Greek system, but I think that a lot of sorority girls seem to dress the same and even the girls that aren’t [in sororities] seem to dress . . . the same, in a really seductive manner. And I think that they’re more sought after for the casual sex kind of thing rather than relationships.

  Another pitfall for college women was constantly hanging around a particular fraternity house. A couple of male fraternity members I interviewed mentioned that there were some girls who were always at their fraternity house. These girls became friends with some of the brothers in the fraternity and they started hanging out at the house even when no party or other social gathering was happening. These women were seen as the lowest of the low. In fact, one fraternity member said that these women were referred to by the fraternity brothers as

  “houserats.”

  Kyle: We also have houserats . . . who always hang out [at the fraternity house]. They don’t have to knock on the door; they come right in and sit down. There [are] usually people over the house or whatever.

  KB: Are they friends with the brothers or why are they there?

  Kyle: Friends . . . I guess, yeah, [but] they hook up too. [They are]

  kind of like special friends or friends with benefits. A lot of times they get stigmatized too. “I don’t want to hook with her, she hooked up with three of my brothers,” or “I know what she did last weekend.”

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  Thus, “houserats” were stigmatized not only for what they did sexually within the hookup script, but also for their behavior outside the sexual arena. Kyle went on to explain that he did not treat houserats the way he would treat other girls. For example, he felt no need to “watch what he says” or extend any other kind of traditional courtesy toward them.16

  Women’s conduct in the hookup scene can also lead them to be negatively labeled. The men I spoke to said that women need to “watch themselves” in terms of flirting, drinking, and “letting go” at parties or bars where hooking up might take place.

  KB: Are there people that have bad reputations?

  Trent: Yeah.

  KB: [How does someone get] a bad reputation?

  Trent: Just doing stupid stuff. If you hear stories about them, you’re going to think less of them.

  KB: What would be a story that would earn someone a bad reputation?

  Trent: This one girl was at this thing called “Mrs. Faith University” . . .

  for one of the frats. . . . It was this contest down at this one motor lodge place and they had to chug beer and do this drinking contest and the “dream girl” would be the one who won the most. But, this one girl comes out with this real short skirt and no underwear on and just starts flashing people and she was a mess and ever since then people just look at her and are like:

  “That’s disgusting, what are you doing?” It’s dirty. She’s branded with that for the rest of her time here [at Faith U.]

  KB: At the time, were you there?

  Trent: No, I wasn’t there.

  KB: So, the story kind of got around?

  Trent: Yeah . . . people were just telling me about it and everyone looks at her and is just like . . . and I found out the next day, so you know the whole campus knew within the week.

  KB: So, in that case it’s not a bad reputation from something she did . . . with somebody else or sexually, but it was just how she was acting?

  Trent: Yeah, in that case it was how she was acting. But, then you always hear stories about girls who will sleep around and you’ll get a bad reputation that way [too]. [Senior, Faith University]

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  Kyle: I think [freshman women] are a lot different than other women you encounter on this campus.

  KB: Why are they different?

  Kyle: Because they don’t have a clue. They have no idea. They don’t know what they are doing. . . . They can’t get beer.

  They maybe feel out of place. . . . I just find that a lot of them hadn’t drank a lot in high school and they go to a party and get sloshed, and then, it’s funny to look at them sometimes.

  KB: So you could almost spot at a party who is a freshman?

  Kyle: Yeah. Defin
itely. And also they’ll get . . . real sluttily dressed, I find. They wear those black sex pants and there will just be fifty of them rolling up to your house and you are just like: “Oh man, I don’t want to drive anyone to the hospital tonight.” KB: Because they are going to drink so much?

  Kyle: Or they just don’t know how to handle themselves.

  KB: What do you mean handle themselves, besides the drinking?

  Kyle: That is what I mean. They drink too much and get themselves in trouble. Throw up all over the place, take their clothes off, or something stupid that they normally wouldn’t do and I don’t think they would do if they were a senior and had been exposed to the college culture and drinking. A lot of the time it is like letting a kid out of a cage. Your parents in high school, they are like: “Oh be home by 1:00 A.M.” You bring the kid to college and it’s like no cage, go nuts, run wild.

  KB: Do freshman males do that also or is it specifically girls?

  Kyle: I think males do it too. It’s just displayed differently. Guys would get drunk too, but maybe a guy would do something he wouldn’t normally do like get in a fight or something, not like take his clothes off [the ways girls do].

  KB: Would you say then that females change more over the four years [in college] than males do?

  Kyle: Yeah. Definitely. Females change a lot more. They come to college and figure it’s a big school and no one is going to find out what they do and then [they learn this is not the case].

  [Senior, State University]

  Kyle refers to several of the ways women can get negatively labeled: how much they drink, what they wear, how wildly they behave, and so on. However, Kyle also noted that men did not have these same 112

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  concerns. Men may need to learn their limits with drinking and to avoid starting fights, but men were not being judged in the same way as women. Moreover, women’s behavior is specifically being scrutinized and sexualized. As Kyle points out, drinking may lead to guys getting in fights, but it is girls who “take their clothes off.” Just because these unwritten rules for women within the hookup scene exist does not mean all women follow them. The guidelines are sometimes vague and they may not be known to all women on campus.

  As Kyle and many other men I spoke with indicated, some women had to “learn the hard way” over time what is acceptable within the hookup script. This is particularly true for freshman women who may be naive about the rules at the outset of their college careers. Other college women may know the rules and flout them intentionally. However, most of the women I interviewed said they were aware of these rules and they “watched” their behavior accordingly.

  BREAKING THE RULES

  For women who break the rules there are consequences. One consequence is that students will label women who are seen as promiscuous.

  Being labeled a “slut” goes well beyond hurt feelings. Some students indicated that some women on campus were severely stigmatized. In my interview with Emily, a sophomore at Faith University, she reveals how a label can overtake a woman’s identity.

  KB: Are there people who have bad reputations for how they act with guys?

  Emily: Yeah, I think so, like . . . supposedly there’s a girl named

  “Blow Job Jen” and supposedly she gives a lot of blow jobs, I don’t know, but when I see her I think about that so I guess there are [people with bad reputations].

  In addition to women being labeled by others, women also evaluate their own behavior by the standards set by their peers. As Adrienne, a senior at Faith University, put it:

  Guys talk about girls like this, like it’s a number. It’s like: “What did you do with this girl? Oh, she was hot.” But I think for girls, if they like M E N , WO M E N , A N D T H E S E X UA ll D O U B ll E S TA N DA R D

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  the guy or whatever [they hope it’s not just a one-and-done hookup].

  Or maybe it’s because then [girls] don’t feel like as much as a slut too if they can talk to the guy the next day. If they never talk to the guy again, then it’s like: “Oh yeah, I hooked up with him one night and I haven’t talked to him since.” I think that [makes them feel like]: “Am I a slut for doing that?”

  Another consequence for breaking the rules is being ostracized.

  Several women spoke about close female friends who were severely stigmatized for their behavior within the hookup scene. For instance, Gloria, a freshman at State University, had a friend who “could not be seen” at a certain fraternity house because she had sex with a few different fraternity brothers during the course of a semester.

  Gloria: I have a few [female] friends that have a rep, like a bad rep.

  First semester we couldn’t go to certain frats because they were like with too many guys.

  KB: What do you mean you couldn’t go?

  Gloria: Like she wasn’t wanted there. She would have sex with this guy and then this guy [at some later point] and they’d be three frat brothers. They obviously don’t want this girl at their parties.

  KB: I don’t understand why that is obvious . . . why would they not want her there?

  Gloria: I don’t know. Maybe she would feell. . . stupid going there.

  Say she had sex with this guy, she would get there and they would not acknowledge her. They would not talk to her, not even look at her . . . they would be . . . laughing at her [rather]

  than like [saying]: “What’s up?”

  It seems likely that a woman labeled this way (and treated accordingly) is affected both emotionally and, in turn, behaviorally. Sociologists argue that labeling can affect behavior by altering one’s sense of identity and thereby ultimately creating a self-fulfilling prophecy, whereby people live up to the labels imposed on them.17 If this is true, a young woman who is labeled the “campus slut” is likely to continue a pattern of behavior that will lead to further confirmation of the label.18 However, in some cases, life on campus might become too difficult. For instance, Violet, a junior at State University, had a 114

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  female friend who ultimately transferred to a different college in order to escape the negative label imposed on her.

  KB: Do you know people that have a bad reputation on campus?

  Violet: I know . . . one friend who was at another campus. She had to leave [school because] she had a bad rep.

  KB: When you say “she had to leave” is it something she felt she had to [do] because she had a bad reputation? What made her leave?

  Violet: Because she slept with a lot of people on campus . . . people look at her as though she was a slut. And I think it made her feel like people were looking down on her so she had to leave to make herself feel better.

  Another consequence for women was that men indicated that they would not be willing to be in a relationship with a woman who has a reputation for being highly sexually active. Interestingly, even men who were highly sexually active themselves said that they would refuse to be involved with a woman who behaved in the same way. For instance, Tony, a senior at State University, indicated that he had sexual intercourse with over forty women, but he would not want to be in a relationship with a woman who also had a high number of past sexual partners.

  KB: When you say that you know people who might hook up with twenty different people in a semester, are you talking about guys or do you know girls who do that also?

  Tony: [Laughs] Well, the one girl I was telling you about before, that’s one of the girls that does it. She’s like a guy, like she’ll go out and she’ll just like, she loves sex.

  KB: So, she hooks up with a lot of different people?

  Tony: Oh yeah.

  KB: Would you be willing to be in a relationship with a girl who was like that?

  Tony: No way, no way.

  KB: But, you were involved with her before?

  Tony: Yeah, I was involved with her freshman year, when I first
got to know her. . . . What was the question, you said: “Would I be involved with someone like that [a girl who had hooked M E N , WO M E N , A N D T H E S E X UA ll D O U B ll E S TA N DA R D

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  up with a lot of guys] after I knew she was [with a lot of different guys]?” For that reason alone, I mean I don’t want to date somebody that’s been with a hundred guys. [Emphasis by interviewee]

  This does not mean that the men I spoke with would not hook up with a woman who had a bad reputation on campus. Rather, men will not consider relationships with women who are known as “sluts.” In my interview with Jack, a sophomore at Faith University, he discussed his current relationship status. Specifically, Jack mentioned a girl with whom he was pursuing a relationship. Importantly, Jack said that he wanted a relationship with this young woman because he had respect for her (unlike others on campus).

  KB: Are you single now?

  Jack: Trying not to be.

  KB: So, you’re trying to be in a relationship?

  Jack: Yes.

  KB: Is she a [Faith University] girl?

  Jack: Yes. She’s actually one of the few girls on campus that I actually have respect for. I’m just very picky when it comes to women.

  Thus, women who are not worthy of “respect” will likely have difficulty forming relationships with men on campus.

  BOYFRIENDS, BENEFITS, AND BOOTY CALLS

  As a result of the sexual double standard, participating in the hookup culture can be risky for women. Most college women were aware of the rules imposed on them and the consequences of breaking those rules.

  Although they may not have been cognizant of it, being in an ongoing relationship of some kind was a way for women to manage their reputations on campus.19 In the context of a relationship, college women are free to engage in sexual activity without the risk of being labeled or shunned.20 The students I spoke with often referred to women initiating “the talk” with men (i.e., a conversation to try to turn a hookup partner into a boyfriend).21 This was one way for women to try to gain 116