Hooking Up : Sex, Dating, and Relationships on Campus

by Kathleen A. Bogle

KB: What does [booty call] mean?

  Kim: Um, that implies sex.

  KB: What kind of scenario would that be? How does sex happen in that scenario?

  Kim: I mean I think it’s pretty much synonymous with friends with benefits. I mean, you know the person, you may be friends with them, but, you don’t have a significant relationship and you just want your sexual needs to be fulfilled.

  KB: And why do you think people end up in those kinds of situations?

  Kim: Because they like sex.

  KB: Yeah?

  Kim: [Laughs] I mean, I guess. [Sophomore, Faith University]

  Another reason why women might agree to a booty call is that maintaining any kind of ongoing relationship is better than randomly hooking up. Additionally, since women are often looking for committed relationships, any attempts by a previous hookup partner to pursue further contact may seem like a step in the right direction toward evolving into “something more.”

  KB: Do people in your circle of friends [use the term booty call]?

  . . . Is that something people say?

  Marie: Yeah. I’m not going to say that I’ve never done that or been used like that, but sometimes you don’t realize that you’re doing it. Like, the guy I was with for seven months . . . he started to get weird and I like . . . wasn’t realizing that basically the only time he was calling me to come over (his place) was like one [o’clock] in the morning. But, I had liked him so much that I was like: “That’s just how we are.” But, that’s ba-M E N , WO M E N , A N D T H E S E X UA ll D O U B ll E S TA N DA R D

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  sically what it was [a booty call relationship] . . . he was just using me when he felt like having me come over. . . . Guys love that [laughing]. If you’re cool with that, guys are like:

  “That’s a great girl!” [Emphasis by interviewee] [Senior, State University]

  Although, as Marie noted, “guys love” having someone available as their booty call, women who were hoping the relationship would develop romantically were usually disappointed.

  WHY NOT OPT OUT?

  For those on the outside looking in, it may appear that men and women are on an equal playing field in the hookup culture on campus. Upon closer inspection, however, it becomes clear that college men are in a position of power. First, men are able to sustain the hookup system on campus despite the fact that it is not working for the majority of women. Most of the students indicated that college men favor casual sexual encounters or casual relationships, whereas women prefer more committed relationships. Therefore, while the hookup system works for men, it does not provide a good way for women to get what they want. Men’s power in the hook up culture is also demonstrated by the fact that men control the intensity of relationships. They are able to keep most women as “just a hookup partner” and they decide if and when the relationship will turn into something more serious.

  In addition to women’s struggle to get the type of relationships they want, they also have difficulty navigating the hookup system. On one hand, the norms for hooking up (or at least the perceived norms) call for women to be sexually active. On the other hand, if women behave “too sexually” or are otherwise out of line with the unwritten rules for hooking up, they can be negatively labeled and treated accordingly. It may be that women seek relationships to avoid this dilemma.26 Entering into an exclusive relationship, in particular, is a way for women to manage the double bind that they face. Since full-fledged boyfriends are hard to come by, women often agree to other options, such as friends with benefits and booty calls. However, more often than not, these arrangements do not work to women’s advantage.

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  Given the inherent problems for women, why don’t they refuse to partake in hooking up? The answer seems to be that there is no clear alternative. If a student opts out as an individual, then she is no longer part of the mainstream on campus. Students who buck the system have few other options for engaging in sexual encounters and forming relationships. Theoretically, college women could ban together and refuse to participate in hooking up. However, this never occurred to any of the women I interviewed. Most college women did not necessarily object to hooking up per se; rather, they objected to how often it ends up leading to “nothing.” They seemed to accept hooking up as a given and alter their expectations accordingly.

  KB: Ideally, what would you want right now? I know you [mentioned that you] don’t want a serious relationship, but what would be your ideal for what could be going on with you in terms of guys right now?

  Emily: I think that right now I would like to meet someone who, like I’m starting to want to get into a relationship . . . but I want to get to know someone and like take it a step at a time before we get into a serious relationship, like . . . hook up, talk, maybe like hang out just as friends and then get into it

  [a relationship]. That would be ideal, but I don’t know what will actually happen.

  KB: You said before regarding hooking up that people know that nothing will come of it. Are there ever problems where the guy and girl aren’t on the same page and one of them wanted more, I know you said you had a situation like that.

  Emily: I think it happens both ways because I had that before, but even like the beginning of this year I hooked up with this kid who I liked. . . . I talked to him in the summer and he didn’t feel the same way and I was like: “Okay, fine,” you know, but I think that totally happens. But, I think people have to deal with the fact [that a hookup implies] an understanding. That is the way it is; he never made a commitment to you even though he did hook up with you. [Sophomore, Faith University]

  When I asked college women what their ideal scenario would be for meeting someone and getting together, it gave them pause. It was as if an alternative to hooking up had never crossed their mind. However, M E N , WO M E N , A N D T H E S E X UA ll D O U B ll E S TA N DA R D

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  most revealed that they would want something different than the typical hookup scenario. Some women said that they would prefer to meet a man and “get to know him” without the first encounter involving sexual activity. Others suggested it was better to be “friends first” with a man and get to know him that way. Some women seemed to want to turn back the clock and go on dates.

  KB: What would you like to have going on? Are you happy with male/female interaction on campus or if you could dream up [something else] what it would be like?

  Lynn: I wish the guys would ask girls out. . . . I don’t mind hooking up, but I know guys [who] like girls, but [they] are just too scared or something, like I don’t understand it, but they won’t ask girls out. [Sophomore, Faith University]

  KB: Ideally how do you think meeting and getting together with the opposite sex should work if you could design it?

  Jen: It would be very honest with no game playing. You just . . .

  meet somebody, you like them, you tell them [that you like them], you have everything out on the table. I would appre-ciate that. Have somebody not go home with you that night, but call you up the next day and ask you if you want to do something. Try to think of different things to do instead of just going to the bar . . . just getting to know you before anything sexual [happens]. [Junior, State University]

  College women who yearned for something different than hooking up may not have long to wait to get their wish. As the twenty-something college graduates I interviewed told me, life after college begins a new phase for sex and relationships.

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  Life after College

  A Return to Dating

  MTV’s hit reality series, The Real World, places seven 18–24-year-olds in a house where cameras film everything they do over a four-month period. The men and women who are chosen to be on the show come from various parts of the country and are previously unknown to one another. These strangers are then thrust together, sharing everything from bedrooms to bathrooms. The seasons are fairly predictable with
episodes depicting the housemates: getting drunk, developing crushes, making out, arguing, partying, and having sex. This is certainly not the real world, but it does seem a lot like the way many of the people I interviewed described college life. Millions of young men and women will never get the opportunity to be on this show, but they can choose to have that kind of experience (minus the cameras) as a resident on campus. But, inevitably, the college students who graduate each year must abandon their college campus to enter the real, real world.

  Across the board, recent graduates I spoke with talked about the transition from college life as a major change in their lives. After graduation, many moved back to their parents’ homes; others moved to apartments, which they shared with friends from college. For some, leaving school meant no longer residing in the state where the college is located, and those who did remain nearby were nevertheless removed from campus. Graduation also signified the start of their postcollegiate careers. Many got their first full-time jobs and were taking on financial responsibilities for the first time. New work demands and living in a new place meant a dramatic change in the graduates’ day-to-day activities and social lives. No longer were masses of their peers around all the time. The lack of camaraderie and leisure time after college made the transition very difficult for some. Many felt their lives changed overnight, and others described the change as a process that took a few 128

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  years before they felt the full impact. As Lucille, a 23-year-old alumnus of Faith University, told me, “Everybody that I have ever seen leave college and enter the real world has gone through a transition. I think that was my transition period, too.”

  My exchange with Clark, a 25-year-old alumnus from State University, further illustrates this point:

  KB: What about since you graduated from college a few years ago, did social life change since you left?

  Clark: Yes, greatly.

  KB: How has it changed?

  Clark: For one thing I [cannot] go out almost every night. I think for me . . . since I am working full-time and I am living on my own, I am spending a lot more time by myself, to be honest.

  Living in a residence hall on campus: your friends are next door, your friends are upstairs. You open the door and there are always people around, there are always things going on not related to a work situation. There are people sitting in the lounge playing cards [or] throwing a Frisbee in the hallway.

  You can sit outside and have a cigarette, something like that.

  . . . And I think being removed from that was a big adjust-ment for me personally.

  KB: Do you feel like your life changed overnight or did you think it was a process over time of changes?

  Clark: I’d say it was a process. Since graduation a lot of my close-knit friends did stay either associated with the university or at the university as graduate students working there [and they still lived in town]. Since [that first year after graduation] that has decreased. So I was still always in town [the first year out]. On the weekends I would go down there and crash, sleep on people’s couches. I would hang out in town; we still went to football games. I went to homecoming two years ago. Since then there are other “adult demands” quote/unquote [that] have crept into the schedule. And even for my close friends, their schedules have gotten more complicated too. My friend got married. They own a house now. So he spends a lot of time with her and [her] family. It’s not my schedule pulling me away; it is everyone’s schedule pulling them in a different direction.

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  As individuals became immersed in their new environments, they found new rules and expectations for their social lives. During college, most of the alumni I spoke with had been immersed in the partying and hooking up scene. After college, they continued alcohol-centered socializing, primarily in small groups at bars. However, in terms of the opposite sex, men and women largely abandoned the hookup script in favor of formal dating.

  THE SHIFT TO FORMAL DATING

  The men and women I interviewed from both Faith and State universities said that, after college, going on dates was the norm.

  KB: Does the hookup scene still exist now like it did in college?

  Can you go to a bar and go home with someone [to hook up]?

  Will: I think it definitely changes. There are more dates now . . .

  where you meet someone in a bar [and] they are a complete stranger, they don’t know your personality at all so you are more likely to have a conversation, have a great time that night, maybe hang out with them for a couple hours. Sometimes maybe a girl goes home with a guy [to hook up] . . . but I think that’s a small percentage now. I think it’s mostly you exchange phone numbers or make plans [to go on a date].

  [Emphasis by interviewee, a 24-year-old alumnus of Faith University]

  Elizabeth: It is kind of funny because no one has really ever asked me out before. [During college] I never had a random guy say:

  “Can I have your number? Can I call you?” And then it’s like six or seven people asked me out. Within two months I would say seven people asked me out . . . it was weird having people be like: “Can I have your number and maybe can we go out sometime?” [25-year-old alumnus of Faith University]

  Carol: Like I said in college no one dated, really. . . . Now I would say people do go on dates . . . they actually do date someone.

  [24-year-old alumnus of Faith University]

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  Alumni stressed that dating was completely new for them. As college students they only went out on a formal date after they had hooked up with someone repeatedly and that person became their boyfriend/girlfriend. Since many hookup partners never reached the point of a committed relationship, many had never been on a date at all.

  Carol: He asked me for my phone number and he called me the next day and we talked [on the phone] a couple days and

  [then] we went out for dinner . . . we went out on [one] date and that was it.

  KB: What was that like when you hadn’t done that much?

  Carol: It was a little weird. Like I said, in college I never went out on dates, the [only] dates I ever went on was with my [college] boyfriend, so it was weird. [24-year-old alumnus of Faith University]

  The only major similarity between hooking up in college and dating after college is the location where men and women meet. The alumni I spoke with indicated that they still primarily meet people at bars or parties; however, what happens after the initial meeting changes.1 Rather than departing from the bar or party to hook up, as they did in college, generally the man asks the woman for her phone number and subsequently contacts her to arrange a date.

  When college students hook up, more often than not nothing develops between the two parties beyond the night of the hookup. However, in cases where the hookup partners do become involved after the initial hookup, students would refer to their relationship status as “seeing someone,” “talking,” “dating,” or “hanging out.” This represents an in-between stage, beyond a one-night stand, but not a full-fledged relationship. Men and women who are in this type of relationship do not actually go on formal dates. Instead, the pair hangs out in the dorms or meets up at a bar near campus with their friendship circle.

  For alumni, dating someone means something entirely different. I asked Raquel, a 24-year-old alumnus of State University, to elaborate on this shift.

  KB: What is the difference between hanging out and dating?

  How do you know it’s a date?

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  Raquel: When my [current] boyfriend . . . and I first got together, when we first started dating, he came to my apartment and picked me up. We went out on a date; he took me out to dinner and he brought me back and dropped me off. . . . I say:

  “He takes me out on dates.” I don’t call it [“hanging out”]; he and I don
’t hang out. But in college [people] hung out. We don’t do that anymore. [Hanging out] is something you do in college. It’s not something I do now.

  KB: Why is it different from college now?

  Raquel: In college . . . you don’t really have any money so you don’t go out and do nice things. [My current boyfriend] will take me out to very expensive, fancy restaurants and we sip wine and have a nice meal and then maybe rent a movie or go out to a movie afterwards. That to me is a date. Going to [a bar in college with a guy] is not a date. A date is when . . . a guy picks you up and takes you somewhere. . . . [In college] we really didn’t [go on dates] that much. We would just hang out at the apartment and watch movies or play games, drinking games, stupid things like that.

  WHY THE SWITCH TO DATING?

  Dating replaces hooking up as the primary script after college because the environmental factors that made hooking up easy on campus are no longer in place. The alumni I spoke with said that one major change since college was that they were no longer socializing in the “safe haven” of campus. During college, they felt as though they knew everyone and could trust them, even though most of their fellow classmates were technically strangers, particularly at larger schools such as State University. If a female student was at a bar or party and was interested in someone she did not know as a hookup partner, she would at least have a classmate who could vouch for the unknown person. In other words, everyone was a “friend-of-a-friend.” After college, this sense of familiarity is gone.

  KB: [From what you have told me], hooking up seemed to be a common part of college. . . . And it seems that maybe [hooking up] isn’t common after college. Why not?

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  Shana: I think, I know for me, it is hard to trust someone. I wouldn’t feel comfortable with a stranger. In college you felt so safe. Everyone knew one another. It was somebody’s roommate. It was [a] comfort zone. It was safe. “You want to go home and hook up with him, all right.” Because it is somebody’s roommate [or he] has a class with someone. Now it’s not that security or comfort zone you had in college. It’s kind of nice walking into somewhere in college and everyone knowing your name. . . . It is comforting. You don’t have that once you graduate. You are out there with all these new people. . . . I don’t trust people that easily. So, that is why I don’t hook up. [25-year-old alumnus of Faith University]