Hooking Up : Sex, Dating, and Relationships on Campus

by Kathleen A. Bogle

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  KB: But [you said previously that] your number is over 100 [past sexual partners].

  Matthew: Yes . . . there is a double standard. There is a certain amount of hypocrisy to our culture. There really is.

  Later in the interview Matthew explained his philosophy on what women should do sexually in the postcollege environment.

  KB: So how should things progress sexually in a best-case scenario?

  Matthew: I think the less that a girl does [sexually] the better. You don’t want to play your hand right away. Because guys are smart . . . guys know if a girl puts out too much the first night, I don’t think I am anything special. I don’t think I am the cat’s meow . . . and all of the sudden after one night with me she turns into a sexually crazed lunatic. That is the furthest thing from the truth. You have to realize if she [gets physical] with you, who knows what she was doing last week. So . . . a girl that can practice a little self-restraint, I think is the one you are looking to keep.

  THE ROLE OF ENVIRONMENT

  In 2003, the movie Old School premiered, featuring comedians Will Fer-rell, Vince Vaughan, and Luke Wilson as thirty-something friends who buy a house close to a college campus and start throwing fraternity-style parties that attract herds of students. The story reveals that the men enjoy the license that the pretext of college gives them, and, regardless of their age, they start behaving like students themselves. The point is that environmental context facilitates behavior. The alumni I spoke with participated in the hookup scene while in college; after graduation, they began following the dating script because the environmental factors that sustained hooking up were no longer in place.

  This does not mean that the alumni never hooked up since graduation.

  In fact, there were circumstances, which mirrored campus life, where alumni would revert back to the hooking-up script.

  According to alumni, after college, the only major exception to formal dating is when they spend time at the beach (also referred to as “the ll I F E A F T E R C O ll ll E G E

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  shore”).6 Going to beach towns is very common among young heterosexual singles on the East Coast. Several alumni I interviewed spent many weekends during the summer at beach towns located a couple of hours from their full-time residences. Generally, they rent a beach property along with a large group of friends and acquaintances. When they are at the beach on weekends throughout the summer, they hook up; from fall to spring, they go on formal dates. A look at environmental context explains why the sexual script changes with the change of a season. Carol, a 24-year-old alumnus of Faith University, mentioned how she hooked up a couple times when she was at the shore. During the rest of the year when she was operating out of her home, she did not hook up (but did go on a few formal dates).

  KB: Are you talking about dating and hooking up as two separate things or the same thing?

  Carol: Two separate things. Like dating, I would actually go out somewhere like to dinner or to the movies.

  KB: Give me a scenario, one of a hookup and one of a date. What are the differences?

  Carol: Well, one of the hookups was [when I] met a guy at a bar, but I actually had known him [before that]. This was at the shore, he walked me home and I kissed him. Then the next time I saw him same thing, he’d walk me home [from a bar and] I’d kiss him.

  In Carol’s case, her hookups at the shore culminated in “just kissing.” However, for several of the alumni I interviewed, hookups at the shore culminated in greater sexual intimacy on the first encounter. This is not surprising given that the hookup script allows for a greater degree of sexual intimacy even during an initial encounter.

  Jake: I met her three weeks ago down the shore and things progressed pretty quickly.

  KB: When you say progressed quickly, what do you mean?

  Jake: Well we hooked up both nights that weekend [when we met]. And she came back down this past weekend and we hooked up every night, four nights in a row.

  KB: Are you sexually involved with this girl fully?

  Jake: Not fully yet. Oral sex, not sex-sex.

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  KB: Not intercourse?

  Jake: Yes. [28-year-old alumnus of State University]

  At first glance, interacting one way with the opposite sex for three-quarters of the year and then interacting a different way for one-quarter of the year (i.e., during summer weekends) seems inexplicable. However, when one considers the similarities between the shore and campus environments, it becomes clear why both these environments facilitate the same script for behavior. First, like college, the shore scene contains many familiar faces. Everyone is a friend-of-a-friend, so fear of strangers is nullified. Second, the landscape of the shore is similar to college insofar as you can walk anywhere you want to go.

  Will: Yeah, I definitely miss college. I think [that is] one of the [reasons] people of our age . . . look forward to the shore. I think the shore is kind of an extension to college.

  KB: And why is that?

  Will: Because you have a group of people living together, you are all living within a certain mile radius, where you can forget the car thing. Once you get down the shore for the weekend you can park the car and it’s not going anywhere. You can go out to a bar scene that is all young people and you are again in that college atmosphere. [24-year-old alumnus of Faith University]

  Matthew: The beach is the only exception to the [formal dating] rule.

  It’s kind of like a fantasy land down there almost.

  KB: So what do you think is so similar, what do you think about the beach makes it more similar to college than here [in the city/suburbs]?

  Matthew: It’s the same concept of logistics. Everyone is packed into one small town. There is a sense of familiarity . . . you can meet people and recognize people. So any night you can go out to a bar [at the beach and] I’ll know at least thirty people at that place. Whereas if I go out to a club in [the city], I might run into one, maybe two people that I know. That’s that whole meeting people through other people deal. [28-year-old alumnus of State University]

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  In addition to the logistical advantages and sense of familiarity at the shore, there is also a different definition of the situation. Recall that many students believed college was “time to party.” The shore scene encourages a similar mentality. The men and women I spoke with felt that they worked hard during the year and they deserved a break when they are on “vacation.” Stephen and Jake, both 28-year-old alumni from State University, said the following in separate interviews: KB: Would you say the shore is any different than [your] social life up here [where you live] in terms of [male/female interaction]?

  Stephen: Hmm-mm. I think it’s . . . more [of a] laid-back mentality during the summer. That so-called “it’s summertime I want to do my thing.” You see a lot more of that [at the shore] than you see up here during the wintertime.

  KB: Would you say that the shore is more like college than up here?

  Stephen: Absolutely. The shore is definitely closer to college than the city [where I live] is. [Emphasis by interviewee]

  KB: Is the summer [beach] scene different than during the year?

  Jake: No doubt about it. Yes.

  KB: Why is that?

  Jake: Girls are much more liberal, they are much more of interest, talkative down the shore. [At home] there is more dating, I’d say fall through spring. [During the] summer, everybody goes down [to the shore] just to have a good time.

  KB: There is more of like a hookup college scene [at the beach]?

  Jake: Totally.

  KB: What do you think of that? Do you like the summer?

  Jake: Yeah, of course. [Laughs]

  It seems that alumni actually engage in what can be referred to as

  “script switching.”7 In other words, they utilized the formal d
ating script during the fall, winter, and spring; however, during the summer (when they were at the shore), they utilized the hookup script. Although some of the men I interviewed were enthused about the opportunities for hooking up at the shore, not everyone held the same view.

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  KB: You spent some time down the shore during the summer. Is anything different down there than it is during . . . September to May up here?

  Elizabeth: It wasn’t for me.

  KB: Did you have the same thing of guys asking you out down there?

  Elizabeth: It was almost like being back in college. [I was like]:

  “What? No! I am not going to make out with you at the bar.

  What is wrong with you?” [Laughs] Maybe it’s because, I don’t know what it is, but it felt like being back in college. In a crowded bar or party, everyone is drinking and I don’t know. It was weird because I kind of felt like am I the only one who is past this now. You know? But there [were] some

  [who asked]: “Can I have your number?” But, there was also lots of [me thinking]: “Can you stop breathing on me.” [25-year-old alumnus of Faith University]

  Unlike Elizabeth, not all men and women simply “age out” of hooking up. In other words, the shift to dating after college is not just due to people maturing. When the environmental factors are in place, many return to the hookup script.

  THE SEARCH FOR RELATIONSHIPS

  Men and women find themselves playing new roles in the dating script.

  During college, men were often sex driven, primarily interested in women whom they found physically attractive. In the dating culture, men redefine themselves as more conservative and old-fashioned; interactions with women take on a more serious tone. They now seek romantic relationships and desire more substantive qualities in a partner.8

  For most women, their objective postcollege did not change. They continue to pursue relationships, but their sexual behavior becomes more reserved. On the surface, it appears that men and women are on the same page. Unlike their college years, both spoke of wanting relationships, including serious ones; however, their timetables for “settling down” are still at odds. Men can afford to take their time to find “the one” via dating, while women, who generally want to marry sooner than men, often have difficulty finding a serious, marriage-bound ll I F E A F T E R C O ll ll E G E

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  relationship as quickly as they desire. Coming to the realization that they would not be married as soon as they hoped was very disillusion-ing for some of the women. Elizabeth, a 25-year-old alumnus of Faith University, addressed this issue.

  I want to have kids now. I am like: “Obviously that is not going to happen.” I didn’t want to be, and not that it is bad for anyone who is but, I didn’t want to be thirty. Maybe I will have kids in a few years, [but]

  I wanted to have them young. Soon. Now I am like: “Wow! That is not happening.” I mean like even if I met someone right now and dated someone for a year and a half at least, get engaged for a year, get married and [be] married for a year, I am thirty. “Let’s have kids now,” that is what I wanted. And I don’t even see that happening soon. So I am like “Great! Okay, [my plan is] out the window!” [I guess I’ll have to move to] Plan B. [Laughs]

  Lucille, a 23-year-old Faith University alumnus, offered the following: Lucille:My main group of friends is very, I call it boy crazy. They want a boyfriend so bad they can taste it. [There are] lots of tears when they get drunk. They get very emotional about it.

  KB: About guys?

  Lucille:Yeah.

  KB: About what aspects, [what] brings them to tears?

  Lucille:When they get drunk they get very emotional. [Crying voice] “I don’t have a boyfriend and I just want a boyfriend.

  Why can’t I find someone?” That type of thing.

  Claudia, a 25-year-old alumnus of Faith University, described a common difficulty:

  KB: Would you say that you are happy with the social life that is available to you post-college and the dating opportunities?

  Is what’s out there good or is it a struggle?

  Claudia: Socially it’s good. I am happy with my friends. Good group of people and we always have a good time. But dating, there is not really a whole lot out there. Like two of my good friends, unbelievably handsome men, very intelligent, very fun, and of course they are both gay. [Laughs] Of course you 156

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  got to wonder if they are really good looking and intelligent, if they work, if they are employed, that is always a good one

  [laughs], and you’re not going to support them, they are usually gay. It’s unfortunate [that many men of interest] are also married. So that is a struggle. There is not, I don’t see a bunch of great guys, even a bunch [of] mature or even nice guys. A lot of them are very self-centered, it’s almost like a lot of them are, I guess the term is “players.” They will just date as many girls as they can. And they are like: “I got to do it now before I get married.” I think too many are like that.

  Others are just not, there is no, what is the word, real emotion. They just kind of go through their day and then it’s just another thing on their list: work, date. I haven’t met too many really okay, decent guys. If I have, they are usually gay or married. I mean I know they are out there somewhere, maybe it’s just like I don’t know the areas they are in. I assume there are some out there.

  For the women, finding someone was only part of the problem. Like their college counterparts, alumni women were also eager to turn casual relationships into more committed ones and to hang on to boyfriends once they found them. Thus, the struggle between men and women over what they want from relationships continues after college.

  THE HOOKUP ERA

  The college hookup scene has lasting effects on alumni. First, graduates share a hooking-up background. After college, men and women enter a dating scene that is new to them because the hookup culture on campus is all that most of them have known. Despite being thrust into dating, some alumni yearn for a return to the hookup scene whenever circumstances permit. Their shared experience allows the hookup to reemerge sometimes (e.g., summertime at the beach). The fact that the postcollege environment utilizes both the dating and hookup scripts could lead to some confusion among singles when two parties might not be on the

  “same page.” This scenario was played out many times in alumni accounts of one person trying to go too far sexually (according to the hookup script) when the other party was thinking of it as a date (and ll I F E A F T E R C O ll ll E G E

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  behaving more conservatively as a result). In other cases, alumni, such as Elizabeth, spoke of being irritated that some men were still in hookup mode when she wanted to be asked out on dates.

  Second, the focus of the social scene remains (as it was in college) on friendship groups. After graduation, alumni go on dates, but spending time with groups of friends and engaging in alcohol-centered socializing is the centerpiece of social life for many. Although dating replaced hooking up as the primary means for beginning romantic and sexual relationships, it is not as central to social life as hooking up was during college. On campus, partying and hooking up went hand in hand. That is not to say that every student hooked up after every party, but hooking up was going on every weekend. The alumni I interviewed went on dates, but they were not immersed in a dating culture the way they were immersed in a hookup culture in college. Even the most active in the singles scene do not go on dates on a weekly basis.

  The infrequency of dating was a problem for some of the men and women who were looking for a relationship but having difficulty finding one. Many were not satisfied with trying to find dates via the bar scene. This may account for the popularity of internet dating, speed dating, and other organized attempts to help singles find dating partners.9

  Even a cursory look at the profiles on Web sites such as match.com reveals that men and women turn to t
hese resources because more traditional avenues are not working for them.

  Thus, hooking up is not just a meaningless phase that young people go through in college. Rather, the sexual and romantic lives of men and women who come of age in the hookup era are continuously shaped by their past experiences with the campus hookup culture.

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  Hooking Up and Dating

  A Comparison

  In The Way We Never Were: American Families and the Nostalgia Trap, historian Stephanie Coontz challenges those who lament the loss of “traditional family values” by debunking myths about families of the past.1

  Coontz contends that the images of ideal family life that many people conjure up resemble a hodgepodge of old television shows’ depictions of a bygone era (i.e., The Waltons [1930s], Leave It to Beaver [1950s], etc.), which often misrepresent the realities that families faced during those time periods. Thus, sentimental views of the past are often presented using revisionist history. Likewise, many critics of the hooking-up phenomenon have compared it to the rose-tinted version of dating, emphasizing the deterioration of courtship customs since the glory days of the dating era.2 This raises the question: How significant is the shift from dating to hooking up? In Dating, Mating and Marriage, sociologist Martin Whyte states that “the topic of continuity and change in premarital relations is a ‘blank spot’ in the study of social change in America.”3 With this in mind, let’s consider the similarities and differences between the traditional dating script and the contemporary hookup script in college.

  SEX

  The most notable difference in the shift from the dating script to the hookup script is how sexual behavior fits into the equation. But it would be a mistake to assume that men and women in the dating era were any less interested in sexual interaction than those in today’s hookup culture. In some cases, a man asking a woman on a date was a thinly veiled attempt to see how much she would “put out” sexually.4

  Therefore, one of the primary objectives of a date was the same as that 158