by Mira Toria
Bradley didn’t make a move to stop her as she walked away, but what he said echoed after her. “Ly, I’m not any more deluded than you are,” he said. “If you really didn’t want to know, you would’ve left the second you saw me.”
Lyris wanted to say something else, but she felt a familiar hand on her waist. Looking up, she saw Hale glaring at Bradley, looking angrier than she’d ever seen him.
“And I should’ve known you’d be here as well,” Bradley said, his eyes darting between them.
Not sparing Bradley another glance, Hale silently asked her to follow him.
They had barely taken a step when Bradley called out them. “Has he told you everything, Lyris?”
Her nails dug into her hands as she tried her best to look calm. Bradley always had a way of getting under her skin. What confused her even more was that Hale stiffened next to her, like he had something to worry about as well. It was like he knew exactly what Bradley wanted to say.
“Let’s go,” Hale said quietly. He looked as if he would snap if they stayed longer.
“He’s telling you to just leave it, isn’t he?” Bradley’s voice was knowingly soft, the perfect mixture of concern and dejection. “He doesn’t want you to know for a reason, Ly. I care enough about you to want to tell you.”
It was devastating how well practiced he sounded. He sounded like he did care about her well-being, but she wouldn’t believe it. She couldn’t believe it because she’d been fooled once before.
“You have no idea what I’ve told her,” Hale replied icily. “This is desperate even for you, Bradley.”
Bradley ignored him, keeping his unwavering attention on her. “Lyris, I have no reason to lie to you. I already lost you, so what do I have to lose by telling you the truth? I just want you to listen to me. Please, just listen.”
She would be taking his bait if she snapped back or if she gave any indication that she wanted to hear what he had to say. “Goodbye, Bradley.” Slipping her arm through Hale’s, they walked out the store, not once looking back.
“Are you okay?” Hale asked her once they were in the car. Their trip had been cut short because neither of them felt like shopping anymore.
“Yes.” The word felt like a lie the second it slipped out. “No. I don’t know.”
“What makes you unsure?” He pulled out of the parking lot, but Lyris could see he was set on edge as well. His knuckles were white as they gripped the steering wheel and his mouth was set in a tight line.
“It’s not that I’m wondering whether or not I want to run into his arms,’ she assured him. “I’m just a little thrown seeing him again after such a long time.”
His shoulders relaxed and he let out a breath. “Okay.”
“I think I have to tell you everything that happened.” Lyris played with the strap on her bag before groaning. “This is mortifying.”
“More than mine? I thought I was going crazy,” he reminded her bitterly. “I don’t think it gets any weirder than that.”
As they walked into the house, Lyris pulled letters from her bag and threw them at Hale before she lost the courage to do so. Her heart raced as he picked them up.
“They’re not love letters,” she said. “I wrote those out a few weeks after I met you. Lexa told me that it would be kind of cathartic to maybe write out everything about Bradley on paper so that I could let it out somehow.”
“You wrote them to me?” He opened one of them and started reading, but Lyris shook her head for him to stop.
“I did because – because for some reason I wanted to tell myself that if I could pretend I was talking to you, it’d make it easier in person.”
“Is it easier?”
“If this is easy, I don’t want to know what hard is like,” she muttered. “I know that some things are better kept as secrets, but this morning kind of changed everything. I heard your story about Annabelle and then not too long afterwards, I run into Bradley. How many more signs do I need?”
Hale put the letter down and walked over to her. “You’ve carried these in your bags since then?”
“There was no way I’d be leaving it out in the open for someone to read by accident.”
“You could’ve burnt them.” Hale seemed set on finding out the real reason why she carried them around with her. “You’re doing this because you think Bradley will approach me and tell me his version of the events. I wouldn’t believe anything he has to say, Ly.”
“Wouldn’t you be curious about what I had to hide?” She knew that if someone presented her information, no matter how much she didn’t want to hear it, a part of her would need to hear it.
“I don’t want to push you into doing something you’re unsure of.”
She didn’t miss that Hale chose to leave her question unanswered. They both knew what the unsaid answer was. “I’ll never be sure about it,” she said, “but I know I have to do this. And . . . and I don’t want to be here when you read the letters.”
His eyes narrowed with suspicion. “Why?”
“Because there’s a reason I’m not telling you this in person. I don’t want you to look at me like I’m broken.” She’d seen enough of it from Leon and Evey whenever Bradley was mentioned. Leon knew firsthand exactly how bad it was and though Evey wasn’t there in person with her, she saw the aftermath when Lyris came home.
“I’d never look at you like that.”
“Maybe, maybe not,” she agreed. “But there’s still the chance that you will and I never want to see you looking at me with pity. Everyone looks and treats me like I’m fragile after they hear what happened and I hate it. I hate knowing that people are cautious around me. I loved how when I first met you, you didn’t hold back. You didn’t know me and you wanted to no matter the warning signs and I realised then I missed being wanted for me, and not for any other reason.”
He looked almost regretful as he leaned in to kiss the frown from her lips. “We’ll do this your way, but wait for me upstairs, alright?”
She expected fear to force her to take everything she said back, but it didn’t happen. When she kissed him goodbye and headed upstairs, she felt like she was walking in a dream.
This was what freedom felt like.
I had relied heavily on Evey in high school when it came to making friends and that only occurred to me when I went to study abroad. I was miserable in my solitude until I met two people that would change me. It was loneliness that drew me towards Leon and Bradley.
I met Leon after he nearly ran me over and shockingly enough, he was as lonely as I was. We were two miserable people that connected almost desperately because of our mutual longing for friendship.
We were complete strangers, but we spent endless hours talking about everything and anything. We spoke about what we were doing in London – I was studying to be a pastry chef and he was working towards being a renowned fashion designer.
“So everyone you know is back home?” Leon asked. We were sitting at a bench outside his school.
“Yeah.” I looked at my hands distractedly. “I’ve been friends with Evey ever since we were thirteen and West is someone I’ve known practically my whole life. What about yourself?”
“Homeschooled for a while, but then went to an actual school afterwards,” he said. “I was out of my house after I told my parents I wanted to do fashion.”
“What, did they have big plans about you becoming a lawyer?”
A rueful smile accompanied his laugh. “My dad asked me if I was a faggot because that was the only explanation for why I wanted to design clothes.”
“Leon.” I felt my heart break because it was obvious the sting of his father’s words lingered. “He’s going to eat his words one day.”
Leon continued his story, explaining that despite his father’s discontent for him, his mother asked him to stay.
“I did for a while,” he said. “But it was hard to actually sleep in my own bed thinking my dad could snap at any second. Living with fear wasn’t somethin
g I could do, so I took out my savings and moved. I didn’t lose much anyhow,” he added. “It’s not as if I had a lot of friends and I still write to my mom every week.”
“It must’ve been liberating knowing you could follow your dreams without caring about what anyone thought of you.”
“It was liberating for the first week. Then it hit me that I had absolutely no idea what it was like living on your own,” he laughed.
“And then that’s when you succumb to running people over with your bike,” I teased him.
“That actually happened because I was trying to save you. Those shoes with that shirt – you were asking me to run you over.”
“Is this how our friendship is going to sustain itself? With you telling me how gross my shirt is?”
“A good friend will always be honest with you,” Leon shrugged. “I just have strong opinions on what should be paired with what.”
I swallowed the laugh that threatened to surface. Already I could tell that Leon was going to be unforgettable. “I can’t tell if I’m going to hate or love you.”
“I can settle with the latter,” he grinned. “Only if you promise to never wear this outfit again.”
We said our goodbyes and promised to meet up for coffee the next day, and I was delighted knowing I had something to look forwards to. The day I met Leon was special. Not only because of Leon, but because I bumped into Bradley the same day.
I wasn’t watching where I was going when I started to walk home and slammed into someone.
“I’m so sorry!” I tried getting up first but he was quicker than me, offering me a hand up. “I’m really sorry,” I repeated. “I wasn’t watching where I was going and –” I stopped short of finishing my sentence because couldn’t remember how.
He was beautiful.
I had never seen someone so devastatingly handsome and I just stared because I was at a loss for words. His eyes were baby blue and his hair was a bit long, but it worked on him because it gave him this sort of musician vibe with it styled to the side. That paired with the confident smile he gave, it was impossible for my heart not to skip a beat.
“I don’t mind pretty girls bumping into me at all.”
The blush that burned my cheeks betrayed my giddiness. “I’m usually not that clumsy,” I mumbled.
“It’s my fault,” he insisted, looking directly at me. His eyes were striking, like they were peering right into your soul. “I should’ve watched where I was going, but I was clearly distracted and I needed a reason to talk to her.”
I gave an embarrassed hiccup of a laugh before I moved past him. “I guess I’ll get going.”
“What’s your name?” He called out after me, standing exactly in the same spot as I scurried off.
“It’s Lyris.” I turned around and saw that he was just looking at me with an amused smile. “What’s your name?”
“I’m Bradley,” he said. “And I sure hope I bump into you again.”
“You’re quite the charmer,” I laughed. “But hopefully the next time we meet it won’t be a head on collision.”
I couldn’t wait to tell Evey what happened – meeting Leon and for a brief moment, Bradley. I couldn’t help smiling as I thought about it. Bradley – someone like him wanted to see me again.
I never had anyone tell me I was pretty except for Evey and West when he felt like throwing me one. The fact that Bradley, someone I haven’t even met, called me pretty was enough to make me swoon. That’s how naive I was, thinking I was the only person he ever said that to. Thinking that I was the only person he would think about until we meet again.
It was less than a day. It look less than a day for me start falling for him, and it was only the start. The feeling of falling in love for the first time is euphoric. It made me feel invincible, like nothing in the world could ever hurt me. But no one ever told me the feeling of invincibility was fickle. The more invincible you feel, the more vulnerable you really are.
I found myself wandering around London alone one day. A part of me was hoping to run into Bradley again. Have you ever had that? When you’ve only met a person briefly, but that exact moment replays itself in your mind constantly because you want so badly to replay it?
It’s funny the things your mind can be consumed by. There are instances where keeping track of several things at once is as simple as counting, but when something like love hits you, it changes. The rush rewires your mind and it’s almost impossible to think of anything else but that one person.
“Lyris, wait up!”
My heart pulsed faster. I felt that even if Bradley hadn’t called out my name, I would’ve known it was him simply from how I was reacting. My palms were embarrassingly warm and my breaths shortened, my excitement taking over any other emotion I felt.
This was how I was like. I was that girl.
The girl that couldn’t stop smiling when her crush was speaking to her. The girl that couldn’t stand still. The girl that had the biggest smile on her face because the boy she liked wanted to speak to her.
“Hi!” I grimaced as my voice came out pitchy. “I didn’t think I’ll see you here.”
“I didn’t expect to see you.” He looked shocked at what he said and he fumbled his words. “That’s not what I meant! I mean like – it was unexpected, but super cool at the same time!” Now he looked completely mortified and it made me like him even more. It was nice knowing that somehow he was nervous around me. “Not super cool,” he retracted. “But like it was – it’s nice seeing you again.”
“It is.”
“Would you like to grab a drink?” He gestured over to Patisserie Valerie after a few awkward stares were exchanged between us. “My treat.”
Our conversation was easy and I found myself being pulled under his spell with each second I spent with him. Everything that he did, everything that he said, it would make be inexplicably giggly and my smile was a permanent fixture.
“This is nice,” Bradley said after a while. He had this eye smile and whenever I saw it, my heart would flutter.
“It’s really weird, like we’ve met before.” I tried not to fidget in my seat as he looked at me. I hoped my hand weren’t sweaty because it was bad enough my cheeks were on fire. I didn’t actually want him to feel my nerves in the form of sweat.
“You sound like you’re talking about soulmates,” he chuckled.
I smiled shyly. “You don’t believe in them?”
“I don’t know. It’s hard to say when you’re not even 30.”
“So what do you do, just float around the garden while tasting every flower?”
He burst out laughing and it took him a while to get his breath back. “Where did you hear that from?”
“My sister, Lexa,” I explained. “She’s into weird analogies.”
His laughter turned bleak and he cleared his throat, a slight blush rising to his cheeks. “To be honest, I haven’t had a girlfriend for a while.”
“No way!” My lack of experience was from being too shy, but Bradley didn’t look like someone that was bashful.
“Why? Is it hard to believe?” He had a weird look on his face. It was a cross between amusement and something else I couldn’t decipher.
“You’re – well – obviously, you know that you’re attractive,” I finished lamely.
“You think I’m cute?” he repeated.
“You know,” I mumbled at my tea, looking anywhere but at him. “Yeah, you are.”
“You said you’re new to London,” he said.
“Yeah?” Where was he going with this?
Bradley had a mischievous gleam in his eyes and I gravitated towards it, craving any adventure as long as it was with him. “Follow me then.” He dropped a few coins on the table before running out and dragging me along with him.
“Bradley!” I was running because I didn’t have a choice. His grip on my hand was tight and I didn’t care. I wouldn’t have cared if he was bringing me to jump off the end of the earth. As long as I was with him,
I didn’t care about where we could end up.
He threw his head back and laughed, his hair flopped over his eyes. He looked beautifully carefree in that moment and I craved it. I wanted to feel like that.
“Come on, Ly, you’re falling behind!”
He let go of my hand, knowing that I would most likely run after him. And I did just that. I ran, chasing him like my life depended on it.
Eventually he slowed down to a park in front of a flock the pigeons. “Ready?” He pointed to them and he grinned mischievously before taking my hand in his. “Let’s go!”
I screamed as we jubilantly ran towards them. The birds flocked around us, agitated into flight as Bradley twirled me around, using the fluttering of sound of their wings as music.
“This is what you wanted to show me?” I asked breathlessly. “Scaring a flock of birds?”
“Yes and no.” He licked his lips nervously and his voice lowered as he faced me. “I don’t know if you noticed, but we’re the only people here.”
I was very aware that he was watching me as he pulled me to sit on a bench with him. We were alone together for the first time, away from prying eyes like he secretly carved out this area just for us.
Bradley’s eyes softened as he leaned closer to me, his lashes brushing against my bangs. “Do you want me to let go of your hand?” He brushed a piece of my hair from my face, making me dizzy from being so close to him.
“No,” I said softly. A part of me dreaded what was going to happen, but it was quickly overtaken by how badly I wanted it to happen.
A look of relief crossed his eyes and he leaned in closer. “I really like you.”
My heart felt like it was going to pound out of my chest. Everything felt surreal, like I was living out of my body while everything was happening. “Guys aren’t supposed to say that first,” I teased.
“I’m not like most guys.” He grinned, letting the distance between us close.
How do you describe your first kiss? I have no idea what I expected, but I wasn’t expecting myself to respond the way I did. I was paralysed because I was so shocked at what was happening, but as I finally relaxed, I started to enjoy it. It was soft, but there was enough pressure there to let me know that he was sure of what he was doing.
