by Mira Toria
“This wasn’t expected.” I really felt like I was flying and I wanted more. It was like everything played out from a movie. From the way he took me out for tea, to us chasing off a flock of birds, to the lead up of my first kiss.
It was perfect and completely unexpected.
It was strange seeing Bradley look so unsure of himself as he avoided looking into my eyes. “You don’t like spontaneous people?”
“No,” I shook my head. “I love spontaneous people. The crazier it is, the better. Who’s going to say no to an adrenaline rush? The rush of feeling like your life’s in danger, it makes life more exciting, right?”
“Good.” He wrapped his arm around my waist. “Because Ly, it’s going to get crazy.”
He was my first real kiss, Hale. Now that I think about it, he knew exactly what he was doing at that time. He probably knew how fast I was falling and he didn’t try to stop me. It was like he chose to pull me in fast and I let him. The feeling of knowing someone cares about you is addicting and because I didn’t want it to ever stop, I let him pull me under.
Do you know why no one realised what was happening to me until it was too late? It’s because when I fell for him, I pushed everything and everyone out, and lost sight of what really mattered.
I couldn’t believe it when I started going out with Bradley. I changed to the point where Evey and I weren’t regularly speaking to one another and my visits with Leon practically didn’t exist. I changed into someone else entirely. It was like looking into a mirror and seeing what you want to see instead of seeing what you should see. Is love really blinding, or are we just fooling ourselves because it’s easier than facing the truth?
“You’re looking a little low right now.” Bradley swung my arms as we walked down the crowded streets of London. We had been going out for a few weeks and our walks were something I always enjoyed. “Are you alright?” he asked.
I nodded. At least I thought I was okay. The past few weeks with Bradley, I had been invited to more parties than I could remember. I just felt tired, but I wasn’t unhappy.
“I’m fine,” I said, looking up and smiling. “I just need to head back home soon to chat with Evey. Do you want to come by and say hi?” I knew it wasn’t really worth asking because he always said no. I didn’t like to pester him about meeting Evey because early in the relationship, he made it clear that he didn’t like being pushed into meeting people he wasn’t familiar with.
Bradley shook his head. “Nah, I’m good. I’m heading over to Jeff’s house tonight.” He wrapped an arm around my shoulder. “Do you think you’re up for another night?”
“I don’t know.” I rubbed my eyes and stifled a yawn. “I think my body’s crying for some sleep.”
“Come on, babe.” He laced his fingers through mine. “It’s not going to be long and think about it, how long are you going to be in London for? You’ve got to let loose and live, Ly.”
I was reluctant and I think he sensed that because he took my hands, twirling me around in the streets spontaneously. He moved me around people easily, grinning as I laughed at what he was doing.
“What are you doing?” I was utterly embarrassed and thrilled at the same time. The thrill of knowing he didn’t care if people saw us made me feel loved. It was as if he could care less of what people thought as long as he was with me.
“I’ll keep dancing until you say you’ll come to Jeff’s party tonight.” He stopped and put his hand on my waist like he was ready to waltz. “I’m serious Ly, I’ll dance with you up and down this street until you say yes.”
I ducked my head and laughing airily as he spun me around. “Okay fine.” He stopped after twirling me with a flourish, kissing my hand as he was happy with the answer. “I never knew how persuasive you were, Bradley.”
“I can be persuasive when it matters.”
I promised to meet Bradley at Jeff’s house around nine and went home to chat with Evey. I don’t know what I expected, but at that time, I was so lost in my own little world her words didn’t really get to me.
“Holy!” Evey’s voice echoed in my room and I hoped no one next door heard her. “Ly, you look like shit!”
“Thanks,” I said flatly. “I needed that.”
Evey made a strangled sort of gargle noise, her eyes wide with concern and something else I couldn’t put my finger on. “Ly, grab a mirror,” she ordered.
“I only have my pocket mirror and the one stuck to the wall.” I complained as I dug through my bag.
“I don’t care,” Evey said impatiently. “Just grab anything that has a reflective surface.”
I did what I was instructed to do and flipped in open.
“Okay, can you tell me what you see?” She was using that condescending voice, the one she saved for people who aggravated her.
I stared back at my reflection and didn’t see a difference. Losing a few hours of sleep couldn’t have made that much of a difference.
“See anything yet?” Evey pestered.
“Nothing’s different, Eves.” I snapped the mirror shut and turned my attention back to her. “What’s up?”
“What’s up?” she shrieked. “What’s up is you looking like a freaking skeleton!”
“I can always count on you for a confidence boost,” I said coolly.
“I’m not kidding! Your cheeks are hollow and your eyes are so dark! What have you been doing?” Evey waved her hands around. “Oh my God, Lyris, I haven’t spoken to you for a few weeks and this is what happens?”
“The camera could be playing tricks on you.” I felt self-conscious as Evey continued to scrutinise me, so I wrapped my arms around myself as an attempt to disappear.
“The camera adds ten pounds to you. It looks like you’ve taken ten pounds off! What have you been doing?”
“I’ve just been going out a lot with Bradley,” I said hotly, feeling defensive. We went to parties and there were people that did things, but it wasn’t as if I was being stupid about it. I knew that she’d judge me for hanging out with Bradley’s group and I didn’t want to hear about it. I was happy that I fit in somewhere and the thought of anyone taking it away made me angry.
“Have you been taking anything? Experimented with anything?” The implication was as gentle as the sound of thunder.
“A bit of this here and there,” I said vaguely. Of course Evey would know, she didn’t miss a thing and right then it irked me that she was acting all righteous. What if I was doing things that I never did back home? That was the whole point of moving away – finding who I was without the influence of the people I already knew.
“A bit of this and there,” she repeated drily. “Has he been giving you drugs?”
Maybe it was because I haven’t been sleeping or maybe it was because I didn’t like the patronising tone she was using. Either way, my temper peaked. “Look Evey, I don’t need you to tell me what to do. I know what I’m doing.”
“Right,” she said bitterly. “Which is why you haven’t asked how I was doing or how Leon is doing. Your whole life now is revolved around Bradley.” Her eyes narrowed and her jaw was clenched with anger. “Isn’t that a little pathetic?”
“You have no idea what I’m doing!” I nearly turned the camera off. “You’re not my mom! You’re not even here! How the fuck are you supposed to know what’s happening?”
“I know you and I know that whatever’s happening is changing the person you were!”
“What if I want the change? I’m so sick of being boring Lyris!”
“So smart is boring and stupid isn’t?”
I actually stomped my feet and even though it felt silly, it felt good to hit something. “I know what I’m doing, so stop it!”
“No you don’t,” she snapped. “You have no idea what’s happening to you! What do you guys do at those parties? I’m guessing it’s not video games!”
“I don’t need this,” I snipped. Evey was awakening a part of me I kept locked up. The part of me that agreed with Evey. “He
’s not forcing me to take anything. I’m doing it because I want to!”
“What the fuck are you trying to prove?” Evey was screaming and looking like she wanted to slap some sense into me. “Are you seriously telling me that everything that has happened so far has been something you wanted? Or has Bradley made you think that it’s something you want? I don’t like him, Lyris. I don’t like what he’s doing to you.”
“You don’t even know him!”
“Do you know why I don’t know him? It’s because he never wants to introduce himself to me and I think I know why!” Evey had a hand clenched around a stress ball. “It’s because he knows I’ll be able to see right through him!”
“This is the first time I’ve spoken to you in months, how can you hate him this much already?”
“Not speaking to you for months validates that this is fucked up. He’s isolating you from everyone! I bet he was just waiting for the right moment to rope you in! He couldn’t have possibly done that with Leon around, because he was sure that Leon would be able to see him for the creep that he is! It’s all making sense! He’s probably even caught up in something that’s illegal and he’s pulling you in as well!”
I had never hung up on Evey before in all the years that we’ve known one another, but I was close to losing it. “Stop accusing him of things that aren’t true!”
“You’re angry because a part of you knows what I’m saying is right.” Evey looked defeated and sadness shadowed her eyes. “I’m your best friend Ly, I wouldn’t ever lie to you. You know that, don’t you?”
“I know that, but you have to know I’m not going crazy and I know what I’m doing.” I was starting to feel weak and empty from the fight, but I had enough energy to plead. “Evey, please.”
Evey looked upset, but she exhaled sharply in defeat. “Fine. You’re the one that’s with him so you probably know best. But Ly, take what I said into consideration, okay?”
Isn’t it the strangest thing, Hale? People around us seem to see the destructive path we’re on, but it takes us a little longer to get it. Why are we so stubborn when people tell us the ugly truth? I think it’s because we secretly know what we’re doing is destructive, but we can’t stop. The ride that we’re on, the high that we feel, the truth is incapable of duplicating that feeling of satisfaction.
Evey’s conversation stuck with me despite what I wanted to believe. We both apologised and just went on talking, but I knew something had changed between us. We were strangely polite to one another and we didn’t get into anything personal.
I shook it out of my head and grabbed a tube top with a pair of shorts before calling Bradley about giving me a ride to Jeff’s house.
“What’s up, babe? You’re kind of quiet tonight,” Bradley commented.
I was just gazing out the window in a slump so I wasn’t too surprised at his question. “A little down,” I admitted. “It’s not a big deal.”
“A little down?” He had a strange smile on his face. “We’re almost at Jeff’s house and I’ll get something to help you get back up.”
I wasn’t really paying attention to what he said so I just nodded, keeping my eyes out the window and going through the conversation with Evey in my head again.
After he parked the car, we both went hand in hand towards Jeff’s kitchen and Bradley grabbed a few glasses from a cabinet before digging around for something else.
“What are you looking for?” I walked over to him and saw him stuffing a bag into his pockets.
“Nothing,” he insisted. He grabbed a few bags of chips and placed them in front of me. “You look like you could use something to eat before you start drinking.”
“You don’t want my puke all over you?”
“Not my point,” Bradley laughed. “But you aren’t hungry?” I shook my head so he took the initiative, leading me up the stairs into a room. “Let’s go somewhere quieter,” he suggested.
Being on a bed made me sleepy and I sprawled out on it, not caring that my top was riding up. Even though my eyes were closed, I could hear the unmistakable click of the light switch being flickered. “Why are you turning off the lights?” I asked sleepily.
“Because it’s better in the dark.”
“What’s better in the dark?” I laughed a little because he sounded like he was quoting something out of a movie from how he lowered his voice. “Bradley?”
He dropped down beside me, placing an arm on my hip and kissing me so I would open my eyes. “Want some?” He had a pill on his finger and he put it close to my lips. “It’s Ice.”
“I’m kind of hoping just to sleep tonight,” I admitted.
He only grinned, kissing me softly on the mouth. “Trust me babes, I’ll make you feel better.”
I still didn’t say anything so Bradley just slipped a pill into his mouth and pulled himself closer to me, kissing me and probing my mouth to open beneath his. While kissing him back, I was surprised when his tongue slipped the pill into my mouth. Instinctively, I swallowed without question and I felt him smiling approvingly.
“You’re going to feel great soon,” he whispered.
His hand made its way up my top and soon our kisses were getting heavier and a lot hotter. Bradley wasn’t kidding when he said I’d start feeling better soon. It wasn’t long before I was practically forcing his shirt off of him and shrugging my shorts off.
“Feeling that good already?” He teased me and pulled my bra off, trailing kisses down my neck as his hands stroked all over my body. It was as if everything was amplified and I reacted aggressively towards everything that was happening. I was practically panting as I started exploring his body with my hands and our bodies started to move in sync with one another.
“Don’t stop.” I gasped as he tore my panties away and spread my legs open. Having him touch me anywhere was thrilling, and the mere thought of having him inside made me dizzy with lust.
“You sure about this?” He was panting along with me and had a condom packet in his hand. “Ly?”
“Yes.” I couldn’t get the words out fast enough. I had this high that wanted him, that needed him to get closer to me. It was frightening because I had never felt like I needed anything that badly before, like I would die without him. It was as if my body had somehow created this addiction to him and the more he touched me, the less anxious I would feel.
Nodding, Bradley ripped open the packet before laying down next to me.
“It’s okay,” he soothed. He was gently running a finger up and down my chest, creating ripples of pure thrill in my body. “You’re going to be okay.”
“I know.” I rolled on top of him and brought my mouth to his. “I trust you.”
Sweat coated my body and I wasn’t sure if it was from the drug or from what Bradley and I were doing earlier. I was lying in his arms, breathing slowly while etching what just happened into my memory, never wanting to forget a second of it. It didn’t matter to me that what I recalled were only fragments. He made me feel beautiful all over and that felt like enough.
I only got up reluctantly because I had to start pulling my clothes back on. Drunk or high, I didn’t want Jeff walking in and seeing me completely naked. I had only pulled my top on when I realised someone moving behind me.
“Brad – ” I squirmed when someone forced a cloth over my mouth and held me still. I didn’t even get a chance to see his face and I felt so weak, weaker than I had ever been my whole life. Eventually, everything started to spin out of focus and I felt my eyes getting heavier before my legs gave out from beneath me.
When you’re passing out, there are two things that can happen; either you lose consciousness instantly or you start thinking about everything you should’ve done. The latter happened to me. I suddenly absorbed what Evey had said to me and I realised just how isolated I had become. If this ended up being something more than a mere joke, no one would come looking for me. The realisation of isolation hurts, but what hurts more is realising you made it happen all by yourself.
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My head was throbbing. My body hurt even more. Everything was amplified in the worst way.
I let out a small groan before I felt a familiar set of hands wrapped round my own. I wondered why I wasn’t opening my eyes until I realised I was and someone put a blindfold on me.
“Lyris, are you okay?” Bradley’s hands tightened around mine, reassuring me that I wasn’t alone.
“What’s happening?” I instinctively tightened my hold on him. I wasn’t sure where we were, but I wasn’t going to let go of the one person I knew. “Do you why we’re here?”
“I’m sorry Ly.” His voice sounded raspy. “I – I this is my fault. I think they were after me and when they saw me with you. They probably thought they would be able to use you as leverage.”
“Use me for what?” My heart beat painfully in my chest as I made sense of what was happening. “What do they want from you?”
Bradley only responded by gripping my hands tighter. I wasn’t used to feeling paranoid and my heart beat faster and faster with each passing moment of silence.
“Money,” he finally said. “They want money from me.”
“Then why aren’t you giving it to them?” I struggled against the chair, trying to see if anything would give. “Did you seriously think you could use without paying?”
“Where am I supposed to get the money now?” he snapped. “I’m obviously tied up with you.”
“If you had paid them when they wanted it, we wouldn’t be in this mess.” My temper was getting the better of me. “Why didn’t you pay them?”
“It’s hard when your bank account is being watched by your parents.” He struggled against his bounds before screaming, “Ly, I didn’t realise they’d take you!”
“There’s no use in just apologising,” I sighed dejectedly. “How are we going to get out of here?”
