Almost Loved

by Mira Toria

  Hale looked like he wanted to say something but couldn’t.

  “What would have happened if you had found her?” Lyris blurted. “What then?”

  “I don’t know,” he admitted quietly. “I don’t know. I just wanted some sort of closure. I wanted to make sure that she was actually gone.” Hale ran his hand through his hair, looking more and more like a man that was starting to lose everything. “You don’t know what it feels like to lose something and not be sure whether or not it’s actually lost! I don’t know what happened to her and I just wanted to make sure she was alive and happy! You don’t know what it’s like, feeling happy that for once your life isn’t a screw up and then you get pulled back because you feel guilty for your happiness!”

  “She left you! Damn it, Hale!” She flew towards him and started to punch every inch she could reach. She wanted to hurt him as much as he hurt her. “Why?” Her hands were numb as she hit anything she could. “She was the one that left you! She walked away! Why would you want to still find her when she didn’t want you anymore? Why am I not enough?”

  Hale grabbed her wrists and held them as he desperately tried to talk to her. “Lyris, I’m sorry! I –”

  “NO! I don’t want to hear that you’re sorry!” Her voice had cracked from crying and screaming. Everything she did was out of vain. It shouldn’t matter to her anymore, but the anguish in her voice said otherwise. “Do you still love her, Hale? Do you even love me? Have you really loved me? If you found her, who would you choose? Would you choose me or her? Who?”

  Hale froze and she saw the hesitation in his eyes and her self-control disappeared.

  “Get out!” she screamed. “Get out of my house!”

  Hale was either too shocked to move or he didn’t know what to do because he was surprised at his own response. She didn’t care either way because she couldn’t bear seeing him any longer.

  “Fine, if you’re not going to leave, I will!” As she raced down the street, nothing made sense to her except for one thing. No matter where she was going to end up, she couldn’t go back to him. She just couldn’t.

  Lyris rolled over in bed and it dawned on her that she wasn’t home. She closed her eyes tightly and tried hard not to start crying again. It was bad enough that she crashed on Evey’s big night, she may have also ruined the relationship between West and Hale. No matter how bitter she felt about Hale, she would never want West to lose a friend.

  Yesterday night was a mess in so many ways. Everything spilt out when she saw Evey and it was cathartic. It was better than having to relive it after waking up. What she wanted to do now was to curl up and cry for the next year, but that wasn’t an option. She wasn’t sixteen anymore, she couldn’t wait for the world to fix things for her. Self-pity and anger wasn’t what she needed. She needed to get back on her feet because she had spent enough of her time crying over someone.

  No cafe, fine. No boyfriend – even better because now she could focus on her career. She was going to go to Paulo Vasilio’s kitchen today and beg for an audition to be his pastry chef. It was ambitious because her experience in a professional kitchen was limited, but she was confident that she had the skills he wanted. It was time she got over herself.

  Lyris tried to find inner peace by meditating the way Lexa had when she was pregnant. She was about to zone out when she smelt something that peaked her interest. Toast and eggs.

  Her stomached growled. Apparently her appetite wasn’t affected by her emotions. She changed into one of Evey’s sweatpants when she arrived at West’s house last night and she wasn’t concerned with her appearance as she walked down.

  “Come on in,” West called from the kitchen.

  Lyris rubbed her eyes and she had to blink several times to make sure she was actually seeing what she was seeing.

  West was naked. Stark naked as the day he was born.

  “West!” she squealed.

  “Lyris!” West shouted and dropped the spatula. “Mother fucker, I forgot you spent the night here!”

  Lyris screamed and a thought occurred to her that she should cover her eyes, but at the same time she was still a girl and couldn’t help peeking through her fingers.

  Even if this wasn’t West, it is pretty impressive. But no, this is wrong. This is West. West the guy you grew up with. Okay, stop trying to look there! Stop trying to look!

  West grabbed a bowl from the table and tried to cover himself, but Lyris made a strangled noise and waved her hands frantically. “That’s glass and it’s making everything – it’s magnifying your – it’s – grab something else!”

  “Next time a warning would be nice!” West snapped, holding the bowl while groping around for a second one. “I don’t usually keep bowls around my kitchen in case someone else aside from Evey comes down in the morning!”

  “It’s oddly comforting for me to know you don’t bring random girls home with you!” she shouted back. “Here!” Lyris opened a cupboard and threw him a silver mixing bowl. “Hold onto that and – wait a minute,” she took a closer look at the mixing bowl West was now using. “That’s mine!”

  “You want it back?” he asked, pointing at the bowl indignantly.

  “Yes – No!” Lyris shook her head and finally turned around. “Never mind, you can keep that bowl and burn it or whatever! And if you keep it, make sure to never make anything for me in it. I – I’m going to go!” she spluttered.

  “What’s going on?” Evey ran right into Lyris and they tumbled towards West.

  Lyris scrambled to her feet to crawl away, making a mental note to keep her eyes down because she was in sight of West’s – as he put it – his pride and joy.

  “Ly, where are you going?” Evey crawled after her and they both grabbed the table to get back on their feet. “Lyris!”

  “I’m sorry for intruding,” she blurted. “I know neither one of you expected me to be here this morning – as West’s lack of clothing would suggest –I can just leave to let you guys celebrate. I’m really sorry for ruining your morning.”

  “Oh God, classic hysterical Lyris,” West muttered, shuffling up the stairs. “I’m going to grab some clothes. You two figure out what’s happening. And please take the eggs off the stove, I don’t want my smoke alarm to go off.” He quickly ran up the stairs and disappeared.

  “Lyris, what do you mean you’re going to go?” Evey grabbed the hair band around her wrist and pulled her hair into a sloppy pony tail. “Look, I knew you were here today. You came stumbling through the doors and told us what happened between you and Hale last night. You can’t just leave now. We have to talk.”

  Lyris shook her head. “I have to get out of here and wash my eyes. Does he always cook naked?”

  “Just when he wants a little something-something in the morning, but we can talk about that later. You’re trying to change the topic!” Evey accused. “Ly, you can’t run away from this! I know you and you have to talk about this now or else you’ll never say anything about it again!”

  “I can’t – ” Lyris tried to convince herself and Evey that she was fine, but the amaroidal lie couldn’t be kept. “He still loves her!” Lyris screamed, losing her plastered calm. “HE STILL LOVES HER!”

  “No he doesn’t!” Evey got up in Lyris’ face and matched her volume, refusing to back down because if she did, Lyris wouldn’t go on. “From what you told me, he never said anything! So stop saying that!”

  Lyris looked around for her keys. “I don’t want to talk about it with you.”

  “Fine!” Evey threw her hands up. “I’m not saying you have to talk about with me. I don’t care if you run to talk to a man down the street! You just need to talk to anyone! It can be me, West – anyone!”

  Tears were drying on Lyris’ cheeks and every time she spoke it pulled at her skin, breaking at the seams like she was. “Evey, he hesitated when I asked him.”

  “Right, he hesitated when you asked him!” Evey grabbed Lyris by the arms and shook her gently. “Ly, it’s so much better
than having him blurt out he loved you more.”

  Lyris exhaled sharply and managed to speak through gritted teeth. “How is that so much better than the alternative?”

  “Because it means he cares enough about you not to lie,” Evey said softly, pleading Lyris to listen. “He cares enough not to tell you want you want to hear. It means that he loves you as much as he loved her – maybe more. I’m willing to bet on our friendship that he hesitated because he wanted to be sure.”

  “Why are you on his side?” Lyris yanked her arms out of Evey’s grasp and pointed an accusing finger at her. “You’re supposed to be my best friend! How can you take his side?”

  “I am on your side,” Evey cried. “And it’s because I’m on your side that I’m telling you this!”

  “I don’t want to fucking hear it!”

  “I don’t give a fuck if you want to hear it because it’s what you have to hear!” Evey looked teary as she stood her ground. “I’m your best friend Lyris, I know you well enough to know you have to talk about this. Every time you bottle something like this, it completely changes you as a person! I’m being a complete bitch and telling you this because you don’t want to say it yourself!

  “It’s not a burden for you to talk to me about this. It’s a burden when you pretend nothing’s wrong and avoid the topic because it’s too hard! We’ve always been able to get through these fuck ups together because we talk! That’s what best friends are for! We share secrets and clothes, why is this any different? I can’t call myself your best friend if I choose to let this go!”

  Lyris was about to say something, but she was interrupted by the doorbell.

  “I’ll get that!” West ran down the stairs, avoiding the both of them and opened the door. “Hey Lexa.”

  “Lexa?” Lyris her older sister waving a bulging bag of what looked like ice cream tubs. “What are you doing here?”

  “West and Evey,” Lexa said easily, walking past them to the stove and turning it off. “And seriously guys, kitchen safety first. If no one’s watching the eggs, turn off the stove.”

  Lyris waved her hands with frustration. “Forget the eggs. What do you mean by West and Evey?”

  “Okay, since I’m going to be leaving soon, I’ll save Evey from your wrath.” West turned to look at Evey with a knowing look. “And don’t you ever say chivalry’s dead.”

  Evey gently turned West towards Lyris. “And if you don’t make it out of this alive, know that I love you too.”

  West laughed weakly as he faced Lyris. “Look, I think Evey already said it earlier, but we called Lexa over so you guys could talk. I guessed that it would be easier for you to talk with them here.”

  “We all kind of agreed you would,” Lexa said apologetically. “But don’t worry, this is going to be an all-girls only sort of conversation. You don’t have to worry about West.”

  “This is planned way too well.” Lyris looked between the three of them suspiciously.

  “We’re fast planners,” West said, grabbing his keys off a counter. “And I’m going to head out before I start asking you ladies what sort of nail polish goes with my eyes.” He gave Evey a quick peck on her cheek before closing the front door gently.

  “Okay!” Lexa clapped her hands and steered Lyris towards a chair. “Now that it’s just us, you can bitch without feeling bad and while you do that, I’ll grab the ice cream. Evey, grab some bowls and spoons, please.”

  It was as if the two of them had choreographed their movements. Before Lyris could understand what was happening, she had several pints of ice cream in front of her with Lexa staring expectantly with an ice cream scoop.

  “What will it be baby sister? I went a little crazy in the ice cream aisle,” Lexa explained. “Chocolate peanut butter with cookies and cream?”

  The corner of Lyris’ mouth turned reluctantly as she watched Lexa scoop the ice cream into a bowl. She felt like she was eight years old again with a scrapped knee on the playground. During those days, Lexa would walk her home and they’d have ice cream together on the couch and watch TV before their parents came home. In a simpler time, her big sister and a bowl of ice cream was all she needed then to patch up her scars.

  “I feel like a bad mom.” Lexa broke the silence and sighed. “I mean ice cream and coffee for breakfast?”

  “I say you can feed me any day,” Evey joked between bites.

  Lyris thought she’d be able to slip between the cracks and let Evey and Lexa have their conversation, but she was kidding herself if she really believed those two would forget why they were there.

  “So Ly.” Lexa poured herself a cup of coffee. “Where do we start with this?”

  Lyris shot her sister a sarcastic smile. “What can I say? I’m great.”

  “She’s so needy,” Lexa whispered to Evey. “I mean she’s obviously not going to speak her mind.”

  Evey laughed before shaking her head at how blatant Lexa was and tried a different approach. “Are you wondering if you ever meant anything to him?”

  “Thanks,” Lyris deadpanned. “I needed to be reminded of that.”

  “Well you weren’t saying anything. Lexa only grinned as Lyris glared at her. “Either you tell us what you think or Evey or I will point out the obvious. Like I don’t know, you’re angry Hale is – was – looking for Annabelle.”

  Hearing Lexa say it so casually made Lyris snap. She forgot about keeping her feelings to herself and let out her frustration. “I don’t understand why he would look for her when he was with me! Why does he have to see her again?”

  “You had a chance to see Bradley again,” Evey said quietly.

  “What does that have to do with anything?” Lyris spat bitterly. “If I had a choice, I would’ve preferred if I didn’t have to see Bradley again.”

  Ignoring Lyris’ fury, Lexa shared a nostalgic smile with Evey. It was as if they both understood something Lyris was missing. “Your first love will always be just that, your first love,” she said.

  “I’m lucky because I will never have to wonder what it’s like to lose your first love because I have West,” Evey explained.

  “And even though I’m with Kyle and know I’ll never be happier with anyone else, I can’t say I’ll ever forget my first love, Elliot,” Lexa pitched in. “God, baseball players, there’s just something about them.”

  “I don’t understand what you guys are trying to say,” Lyris said impatiently. “I’m lucky my first love is alive?”

  “You could say that.” Lexa was being vague and it added to Lyris’ annoyance. “But not in the way that you’re thinking. You know that Elliot was my first, but do you want to know how I knew he wouldn’t be my last?”

  Lyris knew that with Lexa there was only one answer to her question. “It doesn’t matter if I want to know, you’re just going to tell me anyways.”

  Shooting her a sly smile, Lexa stirred her coffee. “When I saw Elliott again after our breakup, it was completely different from the way I felt when I saw Kyle. I got the whole stomach turn thing with Elliot, but that’s because it was shock taking over, not love. With Kyle, I would get different flops. Like instead of a scare, the nerves were from excitement.”

  Despite her indignant grunt, Lyris slowly understood what they were getting at. “I got to see Bradley again and it was a wakeup call letting me know my feelings for him didn’t exist anymore.”

  “And Hale isn’t able to do the same,” Evey said, finishing Lyris’ thought. “Most of us get to see our first love again and it’s like a way for us to know the extent of our current relationships, you know? We get to end that part of our lives definitely, but for Hale, it’s indefinite because it’s hard finding closure and being sure when that someone is well . . . as good as dead. She disappeared from his life so instantly. It’s not hard to believe he has a few scares from it. I’m not saying what he did was right, but how many of us can say we know what it’s like to love someone that’s straddling the line between life and death?”

  “It�
��s as if you guys rehearsed this,” Lyris grumbled.

  “No, it’s because we’re looking in from the outside,” Lexa corrected her. “It’s so easy to be angry, but sometimes you need to be the bigger person and understand why a person did what they did. That’s the definition of a relationship and not some teenage love affair. You take the shit and you learn how to work with it because that’s what love is about. If you can’t do that, then there’s no point in continuing something you’re willing to give up on so easily.”

  “Are you guys saying I should forgive him?” She looked between Evey and Lexa, not even believing the words herself. “Really?”

  Lexa shook her head and took a sip of her coffee. “Lyris, at the end of the day it doesn’t matter how I feel about him – whether I want to run him over is not your concern – it only matters how you feel about him. It’s your relationship, not ours. No matter what you choose to do, I’ll support you because I’m your sister. But,” she added, “because I’m your sister, I will also tell you to not pick something because you think it’s the right thing to do or because you think it’ll be easier. The whole cliché about love being hard isn’t there for kicks.”

  “I’m with Lexa on this,” Evey put in. “Everything that we said today, it’s to give you another perspective. Anything you do, it’s going to be your decision.” Sensing that Lyris was overwhelmed, Evey put a reassuring hand over hers. “No matter what you choose, we’ll respect your decision.”

  “I – ” Lyris took a deep breath. “I can still see him hesitate. He hesitated when I asked him whether he loved me or her.”

  “Lyris,” Evey sighed. “Like I said before, the hesitation doesn’t mean he loves Annabelle more. I think you would’ve been even more pissed if he told you he loved you more without the hesitation. It would’ve been a reflex answer, something that happens because it’s the right thing to say instead of the truth. Who wants that sort of answer?”